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about to end my marriage over anal sex
An_258460 posted:
So, my husband and I have been together since I was 14 and he was 16. When I was 16 he talked me into anal and I did it for him. Even after I explained that I was raped as a the a friend of the family who was 8 years older than I. We have been dealing with this issue forever and as much as I try to overcome the past I can't and I relive it every time he makes me do it. I agreed to do it monthly for a year on a set date so I didn't have to hear him talk about it all the time. I am now 28 and at the beginning of this year I put my foot down and said no more. I have had 5 children and I have periodic hemroids after the last 2 and doing that triggers them. I have been falling away from him losing interest in him for a couple years now because if he truely loved me why would he force me to do this. He says I don't truely love him if I don't do it and he shouldn't have to suffer because someone else ruined it for him. I'm so angered right now that I'm seriously planning divorcing him. We are Mormon and we are allowed to do what we want in the bedroom as long as both of us are good with it. This is the only thing I have an issue with and he admits its because he had an addiction to pronography since he was 16 and that probably is what triggered his obsession with it. He's been going to weekly addiction classes and periodic meetings with the Bishop to check his progress but I don't want to live like this anymore. Am I being unreasonable with holding it? He is even saying that if I refuse to do anal then he refuses to do missionary because if he should be without so should I. I don't understand.
georgiagail responded:
Sounds like your husband needs far more intensive therapy (or perhaps a brain transplant) than what he is getting now.

Have you undergone any therapy yourself for the trauma you endured?

Please stop having children with this man.

Anal is not every ones cup of tea and frankly, having a partner tell you that you don't truly love them because you won't submit to an act that only brings back the memories of an extremely traumatic experience for you is a shameful thing for him to do.

sluggo45692 replied to georgiagail's response:
I agree with Gail.

How can a man say he loves you if he continues to hurt you. I enjoy it with my wife, but if she say no it means no. Any time she tells me we can't do something, I respect that. It took me 6 months before she was comfortable to tell me what she wanted.

I love my wife and respect her. You have given your husband 5 children and allowed him to hurt you for years. Now it's not only mental trauma (reliving the rape), it's physical trauma, due to the hemorroids.

Tell him this and stop the damage. Get private session with your's & his counselor and discuss it. NO MAN has the right to harm his partner. This is abuse. You wouldn't take it if he was hitting you with a stick. You wouldn't take it if he was calling you names. Why take a painful intrusion into your body in the name of intimacy.

Get help with both him and the past. You shouldn't be afraid to be intimate with your husband.

Good Luck
nohard responded:
Hi With your background in being raped and of all things being forced to have anal sex, then at the very beginning you should have said no, and would have set the mode for your sex life with him, and after time you could have told him why you would not do anal sex.

But the unfortunate thing is you said yes, and since then you have had this very troubled marriage, when it come to anal sex, this is something you should have put your foot down when you first started having periodic hemorrhoids
But now as you have put your foot down and knowing you problems, then he should now respect your decision as its your health your talking about, so he is now on the wrong side of being the good husband.

Now your problem is your growing apart, I don't think there is anyway back, I would follow your heart, as you are the one who knows him best.

He is the one who now needs help, buy a bit more than a Bishop.

Good luck with your decision.
winterglow responded:
Your husband is behaving like a spoiled toddler child. All he's thinking about is him, him, him. I'm not surprised you're angry. I doubt I'd be able to contain myself faced with his egocentric, small-minded, utterly puerile doltishness.

You've reached a point where you'd rather divorce than continue to live like this so why not talk to a lawyer? A woman's shelter might be able to advise you too. There's no harm in being informed.

In the meantime

"He is even saying that if I refuse to do anal then he refuses to do missionary because if he should be without so should I."

Call his bluff. Say that is fine by you and watch him implode.
Anon_134193 replied to winterglow's response:
If by some amazing happenstance you continue to be with this fool, and you actually want to have sex with him, have him try rear vaginal entry. It will give him some of what he wants without hurting you.
inspector3500 responded:
I'm sorry but you are married to a as*hole plain and simple. I find it hard to believe he is a practicing Mormon with a attitude like that. He should pay better attention in his priesthood classes, it sounds like he hears only what he wants man is the head of the woman and then he shuts down and does not hear the rest.

My first thought was to get yourself a strap on dildo and insist on doing him in the rear and make it "rough trade' and see how he likes it. But you are probably to nice a lady to do

Go with him to his next meeting with the Bishop and bring this up, the Bishop can then direct his therapy in the direction it needs to be going. PS don't worry about his threat, it is completely groundless.
An_265012 responded:
I am speaking through experience. I endured sodomy against my will for years with my husband. I am going to file for divorce. This kind of a thing cannot be helped. It is like an addiction.

My husband was able to stop for an entire year. Then he lost his job and was very angry. He coerced me and said I will get a divorce unless you have anal sex with me. I did that once but knew it would solve nothing. I told him no I can't do
this and he raped me again later through anal sex.

For all you women out there who are forced to have anal sex with your husbands. It is 100% wrong. It is domestic violence. Make sure you discuss it with your husband, make sure to send emails and text messages, record your fights on your phone. It is important to build evidence.

I endured this violence for years, it has really taken a toll on my soul and heart. I really cannot understand how the man you love can force you to do this while you are crying in pain and humiliation and he is getting off. It is a serious crime and it is a sex addiction.

I finally got the courage to leave him. I am going to file a protective order (like a restraining order).

All of those manipulative tactics are wrong. "If you really loved me you would let me enjoy this."

Ironically he is a practicing Muslim. He says everyone does it. Prays five times a day, fasts during Ramadan and repeatedly anally rapes his wife. What kind of a person? Someone who is sick with an addiction. It is like a drug.

Sometimes you have to let everything fall apart so you can begin again. By claiming your life and your body you get your power back. Your husbands power over you is gone the moment you leave him and never look back. It is in his best interest that his relationship falls apart if he is unable to get help for his addiction.

It takes strength to wake up and say, "I am a victim and I will not be one anymore, my body is sacred."

Peace and Love to anyone going through this and know you can get through it and begin again.
nohard replied to An_265012's response:
Hi But are you Muslim? If not, then as your doing time to move on to a quitter life, perhaps find the Mr Nice Guy you really need.

Good Luck

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