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Dealing with frigid spouse
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Lapbandguy posted:
I am in my forties and have been married over 13 years. My wife and I had sex when we dated that slowed when we moved in together and virtually stopped when we married. On several occasions we went years with out having sex. Recently, I had lap band surgery to lose weight and have spent the last two years regaining my health. When I was more obese and less healthy, the lack of sex was not a big issue because I did not have as much drive. Now, I feel the drive returning and and have tried to approach the wife but I am finding the old problem still there. I know she had a history of some sexual abuse as a girl and I have tried to be as patient and as understanding as I can. I know she is capable of having sex because we did so when we dated, just know she does not seem to want to "bother with it" I do not want to leave her, nor cheat on her and have tried discussing my feelings with her but have not made any progress. I have considered counseling of some sort but I am not sure what and where to go for that. I am open to suggestions.
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miataredhead responded:
Do you know if she had counseling for the sexual abuse? It's very difficult to heal from SA without it. There is a wonderful support group on the Sexual Abuse board, if you want to look in on us. Why does she say she doesn't want sex? The two of you got into a pattern years ago of a sexless or nearly sexless marriage. Old habits are hard to break, especially if she doesn't have much of a need for sex anyway. Some people just don't, and it doesn't have to be because of previous trauma. As for counseling, you should probably start by asking her if she would go to marriage counseling with you. You have made, through your surgery, a big life change, and those are always stressful (even the positive ones) and require fine-tuning relationships. If she won't go, go alone. As for where to look for counseling, you can get a referral from your doctor or pastor, or from the mental health division of your county Health Department. Or the yellow pages under "Counseling." If money is a factor, there are many counselors who either do pro bono work or charge on a sliding scale. Catholic Charities is one organization I know can help you. You do not have to be Catholic or even religious to ask them for help. If there is an office in your area, give them a call.
 
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wolfe4126 responded:
Well I can totally relate to your issue at hand in a way. My husband has a awful background and when we first met sex was fine the 2yrs later it started slipping then 2kids later well lets just say l am the complainer. I am in therapy but I can't get him to go with. I have talked till I'm blue in the face. I've even threated to leave him. But to be honest non of that works. It seems to me that just getting to reknow each other emotionally first seems to be helping more than anything. And with what your wife has been through in the past (which I can relate to myself) the best thing is to ease into it slowly and wait for her to make the first real step and the use that as you sign as ok she's ready. If that doesn't work for you than maybe you should do counseling if she will go with you. It took me 17yrs to face my demons maybe she really needs to do that before she can really be healed and happy with that part of your lives.
 
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miataredhead responded:
"I've even threated to leave him. But to be honest non of that works" That's because you didn't follow through and leave him. Making threats you have no intention of carrying out just teaches him that he can keep on doing whatever he's doing because you don't mean a word you say.
 
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Ruby46 responded:
If she's a surviver of sexual abuse, she may have chosen you specifically because she could slide into a sexless marriage without a lot of complaining. She chose you when you were big and getting bigger, right? She didn't choose a guy who looked like he was interested in a vibrant sexual life. Now that you're thinner and sexually alive, you've changed the rules of the marriage. And I agree with miataredhead that the habit of not having sex may be a hard one for her to break. Her sexual self has gone to sleep over the last decade. I agree that a marriage counselor is in order. If she won't go with you, go yourself. She may become interested and you can invite her to join you. Is she overweight as well?


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