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my boyfriend won't have sex with me
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najda1982 posted:
I've been seeing my boyfriend for two and half years now. For the first year or so, my boyfriend couldn't keep his hands off me he was always wanting sex, but now for the past couple of monthshe has lacked in the amount of sex he has with me he never seems to want it anymore. I'm lucky if we have sex one times a month its not our ages as were both in our early twenties. I know that it's supposed to die off after a few years anyway but this is beyond a joke. I feel rejected, un-loved, and very insecure. I offer him sex on a plate all of the time so I can't understand why. I have to ask him when we are having sex he would say tomorrow, but when tomorrow come nothing happens. Iam just tired of asking!!! when i ask him what is the problem he just says we are always together .. we are like married couple im just not into it anymore. He is still the same we cuddle, kiss, and spend lots of time together, but when it comes to sex he doesnt even like to talk about it he changes the topic. I told him that it has been bothering me for a while that we are not having sex and he doesnt have anything to say about it. he just says that we have diffrent thoughts about it. I know that he is not cheating on me.... I just don't understand him please can you advise me on what I should do next?
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Cat78fish responded:
The whole point of dating is to find someone with whom you are completely compatible with and this means sexually as well as what your values are. If he refuses to talk about the lack of sex or do anything about it (see a doctor, sex therapist whatever it takes), maybe it's time to end this relationship and find someone who is more compatible with you--unless you are willing to live in a basically sexless relationship but I get the feeling you aren't. Donna
 
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FunnyCoolLady responded:
What you should do next? Well quit the stereotypes to start with. Sex doesn't have to fall off after a while. Sex doesn't have to get boring when you get married. He's told you that you spend too much time together. How much space are you giving him? Maybe you're suffocating him. Maybe he feels like you're joined at the hip ... Let him breathe a little, let him live his own life a little (being married doesn't mean that you have to spend ALL of your time together) and develop your life and interests too. Listen to the guy when he answers your questions ... Now take a long, hard look at your relationship. Is sex all that you have? What are your goals as a couple? Have you discussed this? Where are you heading? Are there problems in other areas? Do you have trouble communicating? Look for the areas that you can improve and the chances are high that things will get better. How are you on trust issues? A lot of questions, I know, but many sexual problems are indications of problems in other parts of your relationship.
 
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najda1982 responded:
thanks you guys for ur help!!! well the only time we spend with each other is seeing each other every night for like 1 hour to 2 hours having dinner and then going to sleep the rest of the day we are working and we do call each other couple of time a day. and on the weekend we spend time together. I don't trust him at all he has lost my turst a while a go, but iam trying my best to keep everything going forward. Of course he knows that i dont trust him, but he also sees me trying to leave everything behind and move forward. we have made plans to travel and live together and all kind of things, but seems to me that he isnt ready for anything even thought he is older then me. I dont pressure him into anything. He would just open up and talks and make all kinds of plans. I just dont know what the problems is with our sexual life. we do communicate and share our days and talk and stuff, but when he comes to sex he reather ignor it...... i ask him but he just says its not like how it was before so maybe we should give each other space and not see each other everyday????? im so confused i dont know what iam doing wrong in the relationship. Im type of person that wants to know where he goes, with who and what he does, but thats only because he had made mistakes and lost all my trust. this is his friends "serious" relationship and to be with someone for so long so he always uses that as one of his excuse when we do talk....... should i try to spice things up or just let it go.? I mean he already knows that it bothers me and he sure isnt doing anything about it...
 
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ongawesgone responded:
I think you two need to get away from each other for awhile. You're already having all these issues, and you're not even married yet. You don't trust him because of his mistakes. What might those be? You want to know where he's going; who with; how long he'll be gone. Don't do that. Most of us are grown men, and can take care of ourselves. My wife does that, and it gets on my nerves. I go out once in a while with friends of ours --she doesn't care to go-- but she wants to know, where I'm going, how long I'll be gone, when I'll be back, etc. There was only one time she didn't trust me, but it wasn't my fault. Too many details, but I'll say, she accused me of cheating without any proof. When I blew up, she realized her mistake and made it up to me... several times over. I have to go with the guy on this one. If a guy is getting smothered, he will emotionally/physically move away. You two just need to spend some time apart. You're not emotionally ready for any major steps. O.
 
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Yanko11 responded:
Hello everyone! I think that Your boyfriend might earned one of sexual transmitted diseases, and now he waits for it to pass, there are plenty light std, so...who knows. Men just dont stop with their lust (at least at this age).
 
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Cat78fish responded:
I agree with Ongawesgone and others on this. As a matter of fact, I don't see what is so confusing to you. When guys say things like "maybe we should give each other space and not see each other everyday", that is there polite way of saying that they are not ready for a commitment. You are young and I really think you should take the cue to step back from this relationship and possiby break up with him. To me, it appears that the two of you just aren't compatible. Just so you know, most married couples don't know where the other person is and who they are with etc. every second of the day. My ex-husband used to try to control me like that and I was miserable. Of course there were a whole lot of other issues that contributed to the demise of our marriage but that definitely contributed to it. My current husband (married to him for 15+ years) and I don't do that to each other. We will kind of tell each other where we are going but we don't get overly specific because things happen--like getting stuck in traffic--and we don't hound each other about where the other is. I generally know where my husband is anyway because he is so predictable and he's never given me any reason to not trust him. For example, I'll say I'm going to go workout and then I'm going to the grocery store and he automatically knows that it could be 3 hours later before I will show up back home and he doesn't panic. In other words, I tell him this as a courtesy to him and not because I owe him an explanation of my whereabouts. He treats me with the same consideration. I'm saying that no matter what past mistakes were, eventually you have to learn to trust the other person again. If either one of you can't do that without smothering each other then maybe it's time to break up and move on with your life. JMO. Donna
 
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mhtyler responded:
najda, you're having trouble connecting your thoughts with your feelings. You have a connection with this guy, and your description indicates its not entirely reciprocated. One thing men and women will do, is when a relationship is waning they will out of laziness just let things ride until the crunch comes, letting the partner that works harder do all the work until they wise up. wise up. mark
 
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cutthecrap responded:
I'm sorry, but everyone on here is full of it. You don't trust your boyfriend and you wonder why he doesn't want to have sex with you? Look in the mirror...maybe it's because you are insecure and needy and using his lust/sexual interest in you as a means of feeling good about yourself. Now that he isn't giving in to your "sex on a plate" I'm sure you feel fat and ugly, right? Well, chances are you're not any different physically...but insecurity is so UNsexy! Nevermind the fact that you call him multiple times a day and always want to know what he's doing/ who he is with...which by the way is insane! He doesn't want a mom. It's not exactly a turn on when your girlfriend pesters you for sex either. Maybe he wants to be the one who pursues you...did you ever think of that. Sex on a plate is just less appetizing. Men don't want the same old, quick and easy routine everyday, like most people stereotype...they want the hunt. They want the thrill of getting you. If you're always available and there's no challenge...then there's no thrill either. Get it? It isn't always about you. Leave him alone for a few days. Stop calling him all the time. Let him miss you. Too many women lose themselves and their identity in relationships. It becomes all about "us" or "him" and not you. You had interests and goals before you met him.At some point those things even attracted him to you, maybe the reason why he's not turned on by you is because you stopped being interesting...because all you care about now is monitoring and obsessing over him! He wants a capable and self-reliant woman, not a needy, clingy, co-dependent mother-type who's always checking in. Take a break. Re-evaluate your own life...is there much going on in it aside from your growing obsession with him? Chances are, if you assume that his not wanting to have sex with you has something to do with your weight, hair, clothes, or whatever you are not finding worth in yourself. Because the truth is, if you did feel good about who you are, his opinion wouldn't change that. Good luck lady, you've got some serious soul searching to do. My advice, leave the poor man alone for a few weeks and find your own fullfillment. There is just nothing sexy about begging for sex. And getting upset when he doesn't give in just makes you a manipulative, selfish child.
 
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helpandnehelp responded:
I think your boyfriend either losing interest in you or he might have some sexual problem that he doesn't want you to know about him. Try to pay attention on his performance, to see if he shows any sign. Like you said he still cuddle,kiss, and spend time together that's mean he still love you. I just don't know why he doesn't want to have an intercourse with you. I know when you spent a lots of time together you kinda slow it down but once a month its sound unfair for you. I think you both should take a vacation to find out exactly :wink:
 
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JessicaRUPP responded:
neither will mine.
 
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jjchosenjj replied to JessicaRUPP's response:
lol!
 
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An_210706 replied to najda1982's response:
You watch his every move, a major turn off. Always asking about sex, very unromantic. You might not realize that you are suffocating him. What you do not know is may be he is fed up with you, and he wants you to realize that so that you can leave him. Some boyfriends do not like ditching their girlfriends first. He probably has his eyes somewhere else. You said you do not trust him, so what are you still doing with him. May be I am missing the point. You need to fucus more on yourself than him. good luck
 
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Elle0317 replied to An_210706's response:
I not sure you guys realize this but this original post is over 2 years old, I'm sure the OP is long gone by now.
 
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missnya75 replied to Elle0317's response:
OMG, THANKS


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