Sexual Health Community

Just throwin this out there because I can't remember if you've said it before or not but have you guys had his hormone levels checked?

I sent an email Donna. I know this isn't a new issue. I have similar issues to your guy. I know a LOT of people here wish this resolved in your favor.

mark

Your husband is probably going thru a rough time>He is having trouble ejaculating.He knows how much you love making love. He also knows you are upset with him about the masturbation. With masturbation he was able to apply more pressure which increased the friction & thus he was able to ejaculate.Neuropathy can and does affect any part of the body where there are nerves & there are alot of nerves in the penis.So this could be a problem.He should see a good urologist. I have gone to a WOMAN urologist for about 12 years now. Most of them know their stuff.They can run tests.check for loss of feeling in the penis and the pubic area.AS well as check his testosterone level. It has nothing to do with YOU> You are just affected by the problem he is having. Now he probably feels guilty about the masturbation in addition to the problem he is going thru with the ejaculation. ALL this is making him feel less of a man. Go easy on him. Let him know you are there and are going to help him find out why he is having problems.

Donna, I am 43 and I kinda had the same problems a while back. When I was going through my divorce, I was dating a woman and my divorce was a mess, emotionally! So when this woman wanted to have sex, getting an erection was no problem, but ejactulation was a big issue! I would feel like I am going to but never get over the "top"? Even though I am not with her anymore, I traced it back to going through something real emotional times and I would even call it a mental block?? Maybe talk to him some more and see if he is going through something that you don't know about yet? I am sure that once he opens up to you, the sex will come "roaring" back!! Good Luck and I always enjoy your insightful views on sex and life on here Mark

His testosterone levels came back normal. I really don't think his testosterone levels are the cause of this even though he didn't say specifically what his levels were because he doesn't have any other real symptoms of low testosterone. He's always gotten and maintained a really hard erection. Would testosterone levels have anything to do with not being able to ejaculate? He can maintain an erection for a really really long time.

Donna

My husband has always been really obsessed with having an orgasm--both his and mine--whereas I am completely the opposite because I enjoy sex whether I have an orgasm or not. I love the sensual side of sex and all the sensations it brings and I look at orgasm as an added bonus.

Enough friction has never been a problem for us during intercourse. I have always been very tight and he is considerably thicker than average and I have to be extremely wet for him to even fit. Saturday night did kind of backfire on him so to speak so I don't think he will be skipping the foreplay again any time soon. On Saturday night, all he did was slip a finger inside me to determine my level of wetness before he proceeded right to intercourse. I was pretty wet because I had been anticipating sex all day but I still must have been drier than I normally am. I was wet enough that it didn't hurt me and I could feel him enough that I was able to orgasm in the couple of minutes of intercourse we did have but when he pulled out, the head of his penis looked a little raw to me (and it normally doesn't when I'm super wet).

I don't really have a problem with him masturbating because I realize that the vast majority of men and women do. I've been masturbating a whole lot lately so how can I really object to him masturbating? If I would have been home, I probably would have joined in and helped him masturbate because I think it's a big turn on and it shows that he really does have a sex drive. I would even be agreeable to watching some porn with him. I'm just bugged he proceeded without me when he knows how much I really want to get back to our normal sex life. I wish I could get him to the point where he wants to masturbate in front of each other but he won't agree to it.

My husband is on medication for the neuropathy (mainly affects his feet). I did some research and the gabapentin has no sexual side effects and the fact that he was able to masturbate to orgasm with this drug in his system shows that this is not the problem. I'm wondering if it has more to do with alcohol consumption though. When we have sex, it's generally late at night after he's had several beers and when he masturbated, it was during the day before he had to go to work and he had no alcohol in his body. He works 2nd shift and I work 1st shift and that has been stressful for both of us because I don't get to see him very much and sex ends up being late at night--even on the nights he's off. Tonight he is suppose to be off from work. What typically happens on a Thursday evening is that I go to my cycling class at the gym and when I come home an hour later, I'm always very aroused from the soft fabric of the bike shorts rubbing on my clitoris and labia to put it mildly. I immediately get in the shower and clean up but then I want sex really bad. He generally will ignore me until about midnight--after he's had several beers--and then he wants sex so I'm in this heightened state of arousal for hours before he decides he wants sex. If I approach him before midnight or while he's watching tv, he will reject me and then it hurts my feelings so I don't even approach him anymore.... I'm scared I will eventually prefer masturbation to having sex with him because of being rejected so much.

Donna

For awhile he was preoccupied with some things going on at his work but now things are going a lot better with his work. He and I just deal with stress differently in that when I'm under stress, I want sex but then again I want sex all the time anyway lol. Sex makes me feel more relaxed for some reason

Donna

Donna, first let me applaud you. It is always a pleasure to see a woman who is so open and honest about sex. I seem to find myself looking for your responses before anyone else. Usually because your answers are honest, direct, and usually very clear and easy to understand. You genuinely want to help people with there problems and that is a rare find these days.

Is it possible he has lost interest in you? The reason I ask this is because I went thru a similar problem. I was with a girl I really liked. We had tons of things in common. Sex was great for the first couple of months but than I stopped ejaculating. I would get extremely hard but no matter what we did I could not cum. We even tried anal, which I did not like and neither did she. So, I tried masturbating and I was able to ejaculate with no problem. I had lost interest in her and I didn't even know it but my body did. We ended up breaking up because I was up front and honest with her about what my lost of interest. Obviously she was not happy but understood. I found out years later she was cheating on me with her now husband. So, I guess it all worked out for the best.

If he has not lost interest than it has to be some sort of mental issue. He could be stressing out about something that he is not telling you about. You have ruled out low testosterone and his medication. If it is not lack of interest it has to be mental.

I am shocked to hear that he rejects having sex with you to watch TV and drink beer. I mean complete and utter shock. If my wife wanted to have sex at any time of the day or night I would be there with pants off and penis erect!!

I hope it works out for you because I know everyone on this site is pulling for you. Let us know how you make out.

Joe

Thanks Culligan4, I try the best I can to be open and honest and clear in what I'm trying to say. I'm glad my opinion is appreciated.

We've been married 16 years and together for 18 years and this problem has only come about in the last 8 weeks. He had occasional problems with delayed ejaculation in the last 2 years. There is also no proof he's cheating on me and I try to keep sex fun and interesting so I don't think he's lost interest in me.

The more research I do, the more I tend to think it has something to do with the alcohol--although he claims it doesn't. He says he just wants to relax when he comes home from work at night. He works 2nd shift and I work 1st shift so while he's at work, I've been playing the "single Mom" to our daughter and doing housework. My way of relaxing is sex. His way of relaxing is by having a few beers. According to my research though, beer (or any alcoholic beverage) can make a man think he wants sex but it can also hamper ejaculation. I know he won't give up drinking beer but do you think if I gave him enough advance notice, he can give it up for one night?

Donna

Donna,

Believe me when I tell you that your opinion is appreciated by many and I know I am not the only one that feels that way.

While it is true that alcohol of any kind will make you less inhibited about sex, that doesn't necessarily mean you want sex. Alcohol not only could prevent you from ejaculating it would also hinder your performance as well. In your description(s) it didn't sound like performance was an issue for him. I do not believe this is an alcohol issue. There is something else going on with him because I am sure he did not just start drinking beer in the last 8 weeks.

You have said in the past that your communication is good. I would sit and talk with him about this. It sounds like you have covered all of the medical issues pretty thoroughly. It could be that he is just tired and wants to relax for a few minutes before doing anything. Bottom line is it could be a number of different things that all have to do with the mental aspect. Talk with him and try and get to the root of the problem. I am sure you and he can find the solution together. Good Luck!!

Joe

Donna, when you're past your sell-by date as your H and I are, a strong breeze can knock down your libido, so booze of any kind is a strong suspect.

mark

No, it's true he didn't just start drinking beer in the last 8 weeks but every time we are intimate, it's after he's had a few beers because it's always late in the evening, whereas when he masturbates, it's earlier in the day before he leaves for work--when I'm not there--and therefore, he has no beer in his system at the time. One thing that did happen, about 8 weeks ago, doctors upped the dosage of the gabapentin (medication for his neuropathy) and one of the things that came with the drug was the instruction to not drink alcohol on this drug. I'm wondering if the beer is now interacting with this new higher dosage of the medicine? The presence of beer is the only thing I can think of that is different in each instance.

Donna

You now have a working hypothesis: a drug that can affect ejaculation, and a drug interaction he's not supposed to be having.

mark

I agree with Mark. I would work that hypothesis but don't discount what Mark and I stated earlier. This will be a long process but I know you will find the cause and the solution. Good Luck!!

Joe