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Husband has hair fetish...help!!!
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waitingforananswer posted:
I just found out a few days ago that my husband has this weird fetish. I discovered it on accident, he didnt actually tell me about it. I found about 30 DVD's in a drawer of his and when i put them in the computer they were videos of girls with long hair getting it all cut short, and sometimes shaved. He seems very embarrassed about this fetish, as he should be. I think and told him that he was a freak and to not count on me to help him out with this. He told me that he wanted to cut my hair. I think that this fetish may ruin our marriage because I view him as abnormal now. Now every time we have sex I feel like I will feel grossed out because I know he is thinking about hair. I also think it will damper our sex life because I will not ever be able to do the thing that gets him aroused. Is their any hope for us?
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queston responded:
If that's the weirdest thing about him, you should probably just count your blessings and suck it up. I mean, yes, that strikes me as a little out there, but what's it really hurting?

You say "I will not ever be able to do the thing that gets him aroused," but you didn't mention him having any trouble getting aroused by more conventional means. If he gets aroused by the things you *do* do, then what's the problem, really?
 
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mhtyler2 responded:
You're correct when you call the fetish abnomral, since a hair fetish isn't the norm, but as fetishes go, it seems a trivial one to me.

A pervert is abnormal, but abnormal is not necessarily perversion. What is there about his interest that isn't entirely harmless?

Nobody here can tell you what you what you're willing to accept, but this fetish strikes me as very trivial and your reaction seems...I wish I could think of a less harsh term: narrow minded.

One thing I do know, you're not going to get anywhere telling him he shouldn't feel the way he does. I think he feels embarrassed because you've found out something intimate about him and ridiculed him for it. If he can't be accepted by his partner, who will accept him?

I don't know what the thing you can't do that will arousal him is, but it strikes me that it will be easier for you to decide to accept him as he is, than for him to change.

mark
 
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waitingforananswer responded:
I am not willing to let him cut my hair. I dont care how trivial this fetish is. If he cuts my hair its not like I can hide it from the public. If it was something like letting him crap on my chest no one would ever know about it. But if I have a buzzed head people are gonna freak out....hell I would freak out. So that means its off the table for me.Which then means that he is not being satisfied sexually, which then means our sex life suffers.

I think that he needs to seek some sort of therapy so that he can once again be aroused by "normal" things.
 
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queston responded:
Please re-read my first response. There is a critical piece of information missing in your post. Does he not get aroused by more conventional stimuli? If he does, then I'm not sure what the problem is. So maybe, at worst, he's fantasizing about cutting your hair during sex. Well, there are some things I fantasize about my wife doing that are probably never going to happen, either. That's why they call it fantasy.

Now, if he can't get aroused by more conventional means, then yeah, that could be a problem.
 
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waitingforananswer responded:
but their is a difference between a fantasy and fetish. A fantasy is just that....a fantasy. A fetish is something in which you need to have happen in order to arouse you.

Honestly we have not had sex in a while (like 4 months) but its because I just had a baby and towards the end of pregnancy its almost impossible to have sex, and then you physically cannot have sex unitl 2 months after the baby is born. So to answer your question, yes he can get aroused by normal stuff, but that doesnt mean that its the same arousal he gets when he sees hair cuts. How can I compete with something that gives him more pleasure then he gets with me?
 
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FCL responded:
Have you tried diverting his hair fantasy from cutting to caring? Is this about hair or JUST about cutting it? Do you let him brush your hair? If this doesn't work, you might try giving him a treat and buying a wig that you let him cut (way too expensive to do it on a regular basis...). Why is it such a big deal that he'd be thinking of hair when having sex with you? You have hair, don't you? Do you have long hair? You'd be surprised how many men have a thing about long hair. Like I said, have you tried diverting this? How about giving him a hand job with your hair wrapped round his penis (or your hand) while you lick/suck his testicles?
 
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devildux responded:
Buy him a wig and let him play with that hair
 
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mhtyler2 responded:
He plainly _is_ able to be aroused without his fetish, and it isn't clear from anything you've related that he's getting more pleasure from that arousal than any other. How would you know that? Has he said so? It sounds more like panic on your part than solid argument. Tell me if I'm wrong.

I agree completely you mustn't let him cut your hair; that's unreasonable. I'm curious though, has he asked you to? That doesn't seem to fit in with his embarrassment.

One poster suggested using a wig, and that had crossed my mind too, but at the end of the day, I can't help but think that the real issue here is that your husband's kinky side has simply appalled and offended you so that you've lost respect for him. I think that's a shame, at least to the extent that your relationship and marriage is otherwise on track.

I realize I shouldn't be telling you how _you _ should feel about this issue. I've already given my perspective, but its true also that I'm sitting in the cheap seats. You're there, and its your marriage.

If you can't live with it, you shouldn't, but I would talk to a counselor about it sooner rather than later. I don't know if there's any therapy that can deprogram a fetish, but discussion that clarifies your own thinking and feeling on the matter might be a more achievable goal.

The aspect of your having had a baby so recently must make you feel all the more vulnerable in your marriage. Is it possible that is magnifying your feelings in this? Is there something more negative about this fetish that you haven't told us yet?
 
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ajl901 responded:
This falls into a matter of perspective. Consider this fetish against some other proclivities that bounce around other peoples erotic lives.

Some people get off on wearing furry costumes. Some people enjoy feet. There are women who please their partners by exhibiting themselves - answering the door for a pizza delivery wearing just a smile. Some people, men, possess much more deranged sick fetishes that come to involve minors and women against their wills.

Your husband has had a portion of his psyche revealed apparently unwillingly and now is feeling vulnerable. How you react, how you respond is going to have a huge impact on your marriage. Ask yourself some of these questions:

Is he a good lover otherwise? Does he satisfy your needs? You have a child - is he being a good father so far? Does he provide for his family? Does he treat you with respect?

I am not saying that you need to submit to shaving your head. Consider it; once you have do that, where do you go from there? Kind of a one shot deal if his fetish is for removing or cutting hair. Your personal feelings are important, but you and he are a team. Your marriage vows count for something.
 
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Ingawahkiki responded:
If you were able to get him aroused and have a happy sex life before you found out about this, then why does it need to change? I think in that respect you are blowing this a little out or proportion.

Unless he has told you straight out that this gives him more arousal than your usual tactics, then you have no grounds to make that assumption.

I think you are being a little hard on him. The poor man is embarrassed, and from the sounds of the way you are reacting, you are forcing those feelings on him. That's not exactly what a healthy marriage should be. You should at least try to be understanding and accepting. Even if you will not do it, you don't need to ridicule him for it.

Ultimately you need to decide whether or not this is worth ruining your marriage over. Personally, I would just let it go.
 
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Tiebos responded:
  • He seems very embarrassed about this fetish, as he should be. I think and told him that he was a freak and to not count on me to help him out with this.

    Truly, he's a lucky man to have someone so supportive and understanding in his life. Absolutely blessed. If only I had someone in my life that was as easy to talk to about difficult topics as you are... Wow, talk about overreacting! It's not a rape fetish, threesomes, or sadism.

  • Now every time we have sex I feel like I will feel grossed out because I know he is thinking about hair.

    Doesn't sound like his issue to me - sounds like yours. Before you found this stash, has he ever wanted to shave your head? Biting back the wave of sarcasm that threatens to engulf me, I'll simply suggest the idea of a compromise.

    You don't want your head shaved - understood. What if he accompanied you when you went to your hairdresser? What if he *learned* to cut hair - would you let him cut yours - not a shave or really short, just the kind of cut you'd normally get? If someone else were willing, would you be ok with him cutting or shaving thier head? Maybe if you wore a wig and let him cut/shave that?

  • Is their any hope for us?

    For him, sure. His fetish is pretty docile and harmless, so he'll be able to find someone to satisfy it without *too* much effort. For you as a couple? Your reaction to his fetish was about as hostile and demeaning of a reaction as I've ever heard - I generally save that kind of reaction for child molesters and rapists. Honestly, I'd probably ditch you.
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    xbigbenx responded:
    Ok, whenever a poster like this happens on this board your wont get many friendly responses. Closed mindedness is severely looked down on here. And your reaction shows that unfortunately.

    Cutting your hair is obviously not going to work and that is perfectly ok. So like others said how about a wig? Or how about you guys go to the mall and have a coffee outside of a hair salon that has clear windows like toni and guy? Then go home and let him have his fun because he will be all worked up. You may even enjoy this to because you could tease him while watching haircuts.

    There is almost always a way to make a fetish, no matter how DIFFERENT, work. The question is, are you willing to help your husband or are you going to continue to make the man your supposed to love and cherish feel like a weirdo?

    -Ben
     
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    livingwell1981 responded:
    I think your the freak for thinking this is a big deal...therapist?? Come on...he could be into a lot worse...what if it were all S&M or scat movies...? Threesomes, gang bangs...would you feel better about that?

    It seems to me like your a little too conservative...especially for this board
     
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    mhtyler2 responded:
    livingwell, what is the point of simply dissing the OP? This board is about positive advice, not chasing off people you don't agree with. Its a discussion board, not an attack board.

    I have disagreements here often including with the OP, but reason wins the day, and YOU are the one who's too conservative if you can't tolerate a viewpoint you don't agree with.


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