Sexual Health Community

If you get your wife a vibrator and tell her it's for her personal use, she might just get offended. Now, if you introduce it into your lovemaking she'll take a different view entirely and possibly use it when she's alone too.

As you're worrying about her orgasming or not - even if she's not, she may be thoroughly ejoying the moment. An orgasm isn't the be-all and end-all of sex. However, as you've asked her she might feel that she's disappointing you and feel obliged to fake it to make you happy. My suggestion is that you discuss this with her (outside of the bedroom!) to let her know that it's OK if she doesn't orgasm, you just want it to be good for her and maybe ask her what she'd like you to do. Have you tried to give her an orgasm with oral recently? How did it go? Could it be that a bit more foreplay before penetration might help?

In addition to what FCL said, even a woman that does orgasm fairly easily from intercourse, may not do it every time she has sex. However this does not mean she isn't enjoying herself. I know that there have been many times that I just plain didn't feel the need to have an orgasm but I was definitely enjoying the moment! Sometimes just giving my husband pleasure makes me feel good too.

Every woman's reaction to orgasm is different and even the same woman's reaction can vary from session to session of sex. I don't think I've had two orgasms be exactly alike. Sometimes, my muscle contractions are very subtle and sometimes they are intense. Sometimes an involuntary noise comes out of my mouth and I'm quite noisy and other times I'm not. Sometimes I produce a lot of fluid with my orgasms and sometimes I don't. Do you see what I mean? A woman's orgasm can be hard for a man to detect because they can be so different. I think a woman has a much greater chance of knowing when a man orgasms simply because most men also ejaculate at the same time they have an orgasm (although not all men). One thing my husband said is that he can detect my orgasm the best if he stops thrusting at the start of my orgasm so that he can feel my muscles contracting against his penis.

If you think that she really isn't having orgasms, all you can really do is ask her what she likes (ie. a harder or softer touch). If you ask her specifically if she is orgasming, it may put more pressure on her to have one and she might be more inclined to fake it in order to please you. The best orgasms typically come when you are not thinking about whether or not you are going to have one.

Donna

Good posts already. FCL beat me to the punch with the suggestion that you get a toy to use during your lovemaking. Then if it just happens to be handy in the nightstand when you're away, well...

The thing I'll add to the discussion about female orgasms is that they can be a "canary in the coal mine" kind of early warning that something is amiss in your relationship. If that's the case, nothing you can do in the way of technique is going to improve things. (Not to minimize in any way the good suggestions already posted.) You'll only find this out by asking, and listening.

Lol, to be honest I know that most women have done it more times than we care to admit (and we're really not being mean). However, the orgasms vary for real so don't sweat it but make sure you talk about it. Trust me, with all that's going on in the world now, you don't need mind games. I'm sure she'll open up if your approach is correct, plus on the up side I think that your wife loves you alot.

Your wife doesn't sound much different than myself....I fake a lot...not because i dont love him...but i want him to still feel good...intimacy is hard for women, i know i like carressing and oral...being spoiled a little bit....men are different, they get an erection and you take care of it....almost a little one-sided sometimes....my husband, has yet to give me oral since he witnessed our first childs birth 13 years ago....so its not easy for me to get aroused enough to orgasm....and as far as a vibrator....i think that is a great idea!!! i have a few of my own and it makes much more enjoyable for me.....hope my input helped

A very honest and completely frank response. Shows your kindness, generosity and empathy. Great to have access to people like you. Best wishes, Lasan

Mad Man,

You're a lucky guy, if she faking an orgasm it's because she wants you to feel like you are rocking her world. Your job is to actually rock her world, ask her what she likes or wants and do anything and everything she wants you to try. You can tell if she is faking by really paying attention while she seems to be climaxing, if you pay attention you'll feel her vaginal muscles contract on your penis, you should feel little squeezes about one second apart. I would really be careful about the vibrator, unless she wants one. Maybe something like a day at the spa, or something she wants. If you want to introduce toys maybe while making love, or stop by a adult place while coming back from dinner or something as a surprise.

P

Try telling her that the only reason you've been asking her is to make sure she's happy. Tell her that you care and are available to talk if she wants to. Back off the subject temporarily to reduce any performance anxiety she may have. Maybe you could leave the vibrator in the drawer and suprise her. Just tell her its there if she would like to include it. No pressure. Keep the lines of communication outside the bedroom open. Sometimes that's the thing that is affecting bedroom life for women more than the sex itself. Maybe there's another area where she needs to talk.

I've read all these posts and they're all good, mostly from the woman's point of view by the sound of them. This can be a slippery slope 'cause it brings pressure to both parties and sex does not thrive under pressure. Women are not like us. The best way to describe what I have learned in my life is: "sex makes men feel affectionate"....."affection makes women feel sexual". I guess I knew that but never heard it put into words. I quit asking the "question" a long time ago. The reason??? Girls don't have to orgasm like us. We're a grump if we don't but they love the affection and closeness. The orgasm is just the cherry on top for most, at least I think. I've come up with a philosophy that works for us. Oral sex is that special thing we do for each other. Intercourse is for bonding. My girl may have had one orgasm from intercourse, maybe more, I'm not sure, but I can ding her bell every time with oral. Be affectionate, take out the trash, don't be messy...and give her some special attention if you know what I mean. I don't know about the "toys." I've always had a fear that she would prefer the toy to me??? oh my.... well good luck my friend.

I am a person that is for complete honesty suffer the cons. Not that I am saying that your wife is doing something wrong if she is lying. Well she is, but for the best reasons. I say talk about it while you are cuddling afterward. Make sure you mention you are OK with that. That finding what makes her tic is the fun of the game. But, from what I've read be prepared for a potentially long road. Or take the shortcut and give the vibe. But, I say for the point of dismissing the Disney Land relationship notions, so call her on it.

I do not know if it is the best advice for you though, carefully consider. I in my feelings, I try to be honest as I can. If a pair of jeans makes her butt look fat and she ask me I say so. But not without commenting on how I like that fat butt. For bad tasting food, my feelings is that everyone has taste buds, they should know. Be honest, but by all means eat eat.

about the vibe. I was curious a while back and was wondering how I stacked up to the vibe sizes. I expected women to like big huge ones, but they didn't. The sales of the more common sizes were more popular. Although the sizes sold were above average, I was pleasantly surprised. So my point is, it doesn't have to be huge. Get something you are comfortable, as you want to use it with her. If it was me I would not get one that looked like a penis, but it should also be something that looks like something she would be interested in. From what I read at the sex toy sales sites is that you should probably pick something out close to your size. Too big and it will be uncomfortable, and she not wanting to hertz your feelings will not tell you, she will just keep quite again.

P.S.- I want to say something encourageing, so go get'em champ.

P.S.- I am sorry for that last P.S. I do not know why I said that, or why I said this instead of just pressing delete 61 times. lol

Mad,

There are times that I have huge orgasms and times that they're just a "puff" and that's it. Women's bodies are made to produce the orgasm that we need and no more. If it's been a week since I last had sex, the orgasm will be greater than if I had sex 2 days ago. I have a toy and I hardly ever use it. I've never felt the need to have it when I could have my man. The times that it does get used, he uses it on me. Trust me, it doesn't compare to a man and I'm not the type to want to use it on myself anyway - call me lazy and selfish, I don't want to have to work that hard to have an orgasm alone.

At any rate, like the others have said, if she's faking it, you'll feel it and be able to know for sure. In the same regard, my man can tell if I had a big or little orgasm based on how tight it got on him. So you can tell what's going on. But seriously, if she's faking it, she's still trying to make you happy and that's thoughtful on her part. Don't press the issue because she'll feel embarrassed about things and try to avoid the subject.

Hope this helps.

Hi MadTurner. I of all people can offer you helpful information. I am unable to achieve orgasm from regular sex. I can only get off orally. Anatomically I am just not able to. But if you wife has in the past and hasn't been recently, there are many reasons that could be the cause. She could be stressed or maybe you need to try different positions. And the vibrator is a great idea. Spicing up your love life can make a huge difference. Also, try surprising her with oral, if she enjoys it. Definitely talk to her, communication is key in a relationship. And to prevent bitterness and cheating, you have to discuss any problems that may arise. Hope this helps. Enjoy your marriage!

Well I'm in the same boat I don't an orgasm at all when my boy-friend and I have sex and I love to have sex. But I bought a vibrator and it's working wonders. But sometimes its all in the mind. Now I'm freaky but he doesn't like doing curtain things ex oral I give it but don't get it. So just try something new be wild adventurous