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Wife caught masturbating
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helpless255 posted:
My wife and I have been married twelve years. I'm 43, she's 37 and we have three children. For most of our marriage we have only averaged sex about 1or 2 times per month. My wife has always maintained that she doesn't have a big sex drive and that she only feels horny for about a day or two after her period ends. I have introduced toys and self-made movies into our relationship with good results, but still without an increase in frequency. When we do have sex, it is the best. We both are very satisfied and my wife seems to get very aroused. I love oral sex and always ensure that my wife is satisfied. My problem is that my wife has continued to limit the amount of sex we have even though I have spoken intimately with her about how important it is that we have sex more often. Her response is always in agreement and she acknowledges that we should "do it" more often, but she never follows through. Recently, I began to suspect that my wife was masturbating. I travel quite often and began to pay attention to how the "toys" were positioned and realized that every time I would go out of town, the vibrator had been moved. Soon after I made a move on wife only to be told that she wasn't in the mood, well this made me mad and I confronted her with my belief that she was using the toys while I was gone. She got very angry to the point of tears and denied everything. Well, I felt very bad and apologized for such an accusation. I felt bad for doubting her and explained my frustration with the lack of intimacy in our relationship. She again agreed and we both made a commitment to do more. Once again, there was no change in the amount of sex we had. I continued to monitor the toy's, once again noticing that they were being moved, but this time there seemed to be an effort to put them back exactly like they had been. So out of utter frustration, I installed a camera in out bedroom. For several weeks there was nothing, then a few days after her period I caught my wife masturbating on our bed. I was shocked to find out that this was going on 2 or 3 times a week. It happens almost every time I go out of town. Not only does she masturbate while watching herself in a mirror, she spends allot of time posing and looking at herself. All of this has created allot of anger and resentment on my part. She continues to deny me sex, saying that she just isn't in the mood. I feel pretty bad about what I've done and know that I have committed a huge breach of trust. It seems to all be justified now that what I have believed and what she denied to the point of tear is actually true. My problem is that I don't know what to do now. I really love my wife and want to fix what is wrong, but don't know how to approach her. I don't want to let her know that I filmed her. This would only cause her pain and embarrassment and cause her to move further away from me. I know now that she is "horny" but is satisfying herself instead of having sex with me. This has cause me to have all sorts of doubts about our relationship and now wonder if there is something about me that turns her off. I've thought of telling her that I know what she is doing without telling her everything, but providing enough info to prove that I know. What would cause her to do this and what would you do if you were in my position? Please don't judge me for the breach of trust. I love my wife dearly and only want our relationship to grow stronger.
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FCL responded:
If you want your relationship to grow stronger then stop snooping and monitoring her. Masturbation is a quick fix. It's a great stress reliever. Shes masturbating when you're not there to have sex with her ... Expecting her to stop will probably not get you any more sex when you ARE there.

You say that she agrees with you when you say you want more sex but "doesn't follw through". What exactly do you mean? Do you mean that she turns you down? Do you mean that she doesn't instigate? If she's not turning you down when you instigate then what is stopping you instigating more often? If she is turning you down then what are the reasons she gives?

Getting angry and "confronting" will get you nowhere. You need to learn to talk calmly about sexual matters outside of the bedroom and be willing to listen as much as you expect her to listen to you.
 
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helpless255 responded:
FCL, you are absolutlely right about the snooping. I did stop and disposed of the equipment; I still feel guilty about that. I just needed to verify what I knew in my heart was true. What makes me angry is that my wife does not get horny very often and when she does, she is choosing a vibrator. I just got back from two weeks in Asia and nothing, hardly a hug. All I could think about was being with my wife. While I don't have the proof, I know she masturbated before I got home. Why? Why doesn't she wait for me? I told her last night that we hadn't done it in about a month and that we should fool around only to be told that she was too tired.
 
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devildux responded:
What if she caught you ? Would it make her mad?Would it get her in the mood?
 
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meborp responded:
How do you go about trying to get her in the mood? Do you try to seduce her or do you just say straight up that you'd like to fool around? You may need to improve your seduction attempts.

You may also want to try evaluating your relationship outside the bedroom, if you lack intimacy there that will definitely contribute to lack of intimacy in the bedroom. You say you go out of town, is this something that happens often? That could be a contributing factor in any problems you may have. Work on your relationship in other areas and you might find the bed room area improves on its own.
 
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helpless255 responded:
I do try and seduce her, but am probably a little clumsy in that arena. I do other things, such as help with the kids, kitchen, etc. She just seems so uninterested. She is not a very kinetic person to begin with and is not comfortable with alot of hugging and kissing. Also, I might add that I'm not mad that she masturbates, I'm upset that she seems to be choosing that over intimacy with me.
 
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Cat78fish responded:
It sounds like you do a lot of travelling and often for weeks at a time--have you thought of the toll this puts on your wife? If you have kids and she also has a job, it takes an even bigger toll because while you are gone, she not only must hold down her own job but she has to do everything in terms of the household chores and the kids. If the only time you ever try to initiate sex is at night, it's no wonder she is too tired and it has nothing to do with sex drive. I'm a woman with a very high sex drive and even I would 100 times rather have sex in the morning when I have a lot more energy than at night. In addition, when my husband initiates sex late at night, I feel like I'm not very important to him because it's like I'm last on his list after all the other "important" things he needs to do like watch NASCAR on the tv. If I'm horny at a time when my husband is unavailable--whether he's travelling or watching NASCAR--you'd better believe I'm going to masturbate. She's already told you that she's only horny a few days after her period--and your films even seemed to verify that (you, yourself even said for awhile there was nothing)--so you need to make more of an effort to initiate those few days after her period. She will appreciate the fact that you cared enough to pay attention to that small little detail. Who knows, maybe in time the frequency you have sex will improve. Whatever you do, you need to stop worrying about what she does when you are not there. Masturbation is not a crime you know so quit judging her.

Donna
 
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Poppy999 responded:
You will not like this, but... is there any possibility that she might be seeing someone, who may also be married and cannot be with her while you are away?
 
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helpless255 responded:
It is nice to see that my wife has so many advocates on this site. I have done just about all I know to make my wife feel special, loved, and adored. I have never and will never cheat on her. I don't drink, smoke, look at other women, I don't even watch movies with nudity, out of respect for her. Instead of watching "sports" I have instead spent many nights watching The Bachelor, Dancing with the Stars and have seen every Jane Austin video ever made. I hug her everyday, tell her how beautiful she is and insist that she get her hair done whenever she feels like it. While masturbating may not be a crime, when it is chosen over intimacy with your partner, it compromises the vows taken at marriage. I also have needs that are not being met and am at a loss as to a solution. I posted on this site seeking advice as to what to do next. My initial inclination was to confront my wife with the knowledge that I knew what she was doing and to ask her not to do it any more because it was hurting me and pusing me away from our marriage. I would be more than willing to seek counseling for us both, however; I am finding it more and more difficult to not have any resentment towards her. I'll also add that while I do travel a great deal, when I am not on the road, I telecommute, so there are many, many times when I am at home all day with her (no kids) with the same results towards intimacy. I can understand anyone reading these post to have some amount of disgust in what I did, but I can assure you it was out of utter frustration and a desire to find a solution to our problems that I "spied" on my wife.

To Poppy999: I don't think she is fooling around, although she has made some subtle remarks about a "man" who she buys farm supplies from making suggestive advances towards her. He is a much older man and has made remarks to her about being unfaithful to his wife and that he was wild at one time etc. She's also told me that he stares at her breast. Another time when we were watching a Seinfeld episode where Elaine loses a button on her blouse which leaves her rather exposed, she told me that had happened to her while at this same place of business and that the guy was looking. Don't know if these are red flags or not, but it would be a shock. I still don't think she is cheating, but she might be excited that the guy is checking her out.
 
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FCL responded:
Her remarks about the other man make me think that she feels that you don't "see" her ... It may be her age. She may feel past it and unattractive (which would explain her posing and looking at herself in the mirror too). She maybe just needs to feel that she is still beautiful and desirable. Perhaps being told regularly that you want more sex makes her feel inadequate and old? Just a few thoughts... She may be trying to shake you up, make you jealous? She may also, as you said, be flattered that the other guy is checking her out. Do you still go out on dates together? If not, a weekly date night is an absolute MUST!!! Make her feel like your lover again and not *just* the mother of your children ...

Seduce her. Make that extra effort - after all, you stand to gain from it. I don't see why you can't suggest counselling to try and find a way round this (and after all, in ocunselling you're going to be more likely to find out what you need to do than from a bunch of strangers even nice strangers like us). She's already conceded the point about more sex, she might just go along with counselling to find the way to go about it. In any case, you can't continue the way you are doing because you're going to implode.
 
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EtzkornT responded:
I doubt she is cheating. having kids and taking care of a house can be a lot of work even if you are helping out. her self serving is her way of getting hers without having to worry about helping you get yours also. maybe try getting a baby sitter and take her out for a night on the town just the 2 of you, get a hotel room and just be romantic it will help give her a day without stress then maybe she will be in the mood. And as for they older guy checking her out every woman likes to know that she is still desirable to other men. no matter how old or young they are.
 
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mhtyler2 responded:
Helpless, I see this a little differently than the gals do.

First, the notion that you've only confirmed her libido right after her period doesn't hold water: She's masturbating twice as much in the week you're gone, as you're getting in a whole month when you're there. Second, she's lying about masturbating.

If this issue is important to you...and it seems to be, then I advise you to let her know that its important to you, and that you'd like to take the issue to counseling. I wouldn't be in a rush to confess your spying, or to confront her masturbation. I agree with you that in this case the masturbation appears to be coming between you, but between your spying and her lying I would leave it alone.

The right direction is to focus on the lack of intimacy between the two of you. That is the key. If she agrees to work the issue, and not merely grin-f*** you when you bring it up, then you have a chance.

If on the other hand she turns down your efforts to repair things, then you have your answer and you can accept it or move on. That is how it will be.
 
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J5DC2 responded:
It is troubling that your wife opts for masturbating over making love to you. I don't think you were out of line for trying to find out the cause of the problem of denying intimacy to you. To those who are judging you for what you did, let me put this way, my wife and I make love almost everyday and if she still wants to masturbate that's fine with me. However, if I were to discover that she opts for masturbating instead on being with me, I would consider that a problem and I would confront her about it.

That said, I cannot speculate as to why your wife does what she does, some here have mentioned that she is probably seeing some one else, I cannot say that because I have no way of knowing, but you must find a way to find the truth. Now, you cannot fall in the trap of blaming yourself for what your wife does, we are all individuals and we make our decisions and she has made her own decisions for a reason, but not necessarily because of you. If she has problems with whatever you do or don't do she should have come to you and talk to you about those problems, she is an adult and should make adult decisions.
 
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mhtyler2 responded:
It is still speculation J5 that his wife is masturbating _instead_ of having sex with her husband. It seems likely, but all we do know is that:

1 Her husband is getting less than he'd like 2 She does masturbate 3 She lies about it

And of course he's spying while she's lying, which is not a good situation.

That is why I've suggested he focus on the primary issue, which is the disconnect between the two of them where intimacy is concerned. He needs to work with her to put a specific and concrete plan in place to address the issue. It could be counseling, or it could be sex on a schedule, but whatever it is, it should be calculated to address both of their issues and to make sure they both know what those issues are.

If that doesn't happen, this is only likely to resolve through resignation or divorce.
 
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Jessegirl01 responded:
I've been debating on putting my two cents in here, or just letting it drop but I'll give it it shot. First, all of the above posts are good questions and advice. I'm not disagreeing with anything FCL and Donna have said but I do agree with Mark and J5.

My hubby was doing the same thing to me so I know how it feels from my point of view. He would opt to masturbate instead of making love with me. He chose porn and toys over the real thing. Maybe it was for that "quick fix" that your wife may be going for. I did everything I could do to try and talk to him about this, we went to counseling and I even moved out of our bedroom for a brief period of time to show him how serious this issue was.

What you did with the videotape was wrong and I know you realize that. It was an invasion of privacy. But, desperate people do desperate things and you were desperate for answers since you felt your wife was lying to you, which, in the end she was. You have your answers now and I personally think you should destroy that tape, keep your findings to yourself and never speak of it. You have your answers to satisfy your questions and if you bring it up to your wife it will only cause resentment on her part to add to the resentment on your part. It will not be a healthy thing for your relationship. Trust me on this. You both need to make time for not only going on a "date" w/o the kids once a week, but going to counseling because there might be some underlying issues that neither you or she realize.

I don't think she is cheating on you, if she were she wouldn't be masturbating so much in the first place and with all she has to do with the house and kids, who has time? As for the other guy you mentioned, I see that as a red flag. She is either trying to tell you that she likes that kind of attention and wants you to pick up on the fact that she needs more of that from you or she is just a very honest person and (like myself) just feels the need to tell her partner all that has happened during her day so that she is not keeping anything behind your back. Although that does kill the masturbation theory that we are discussing in the first place.

Please keep doing everything you can to get to the bottom of this. The resentment will build to a point where you won't even realize how it is damaging your relationship. That's one of the main reasons I'm getting divorced after 17 years of marriage.

Good luck!


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