Sexual Health Community

Thank you Dr. Becker-Phelps for this insight I am sure many of the members will appreciate it.

I just read a book from my psychoanalyst about having a good relationship. The whole book was for the person reading it to try the active listening. And your right, it doesn't mean anyone has to change or compromise but we all need to communicate clearly w/others on an unemotional level. The problem is getting started especially if there has been no good communication already & conversations end in emotional screaming & fighting. Everyone needs to think about the right way to bring up a subject without pointing fingers or blaming the other person. It takes a very mature person who seriously wants to work a situation through.

Wow was this article in good timing for me. Just this morning I was trying to explain something to my husband and he immediately got on the defensive and started bringing up things that had nothing to do with the subject I was talking about. Talk about feeling perplexed and confused! The more I tried the worse it got. I even said to him, you are not listening to me. So I'm thinking, maybe I need to do some active listening to him and try to understand where he is coming from. I will give it a try.

Please let me know how it goes.

My partner and I have actually been through the same scenario as above many times over (maybe not quite as neatly resolved, but similar). The problem is, he forgets! Every time, he forgets that what got me mad the previous time was his complete lack of communication with me on major purchases (we're not wealthy, so I consider anything over $100 to be major). He's come home with new computers, new video game systems, tv's, and even a car! All these things we'd talked about, but he considered the fact that we 'talked about them' to be the greenlight to go ahead with the purchase without double checking. The car, in particular was a killer. I even asked him specifically not to purchase the car until X date due to financial concerns, and he comes home with it three months ahead of schedule. He always has the same 'aha' moment, but it never carries over to the next instance. Not much we can do about it, obviously. I'm not gonna take away his checkbook and we don't use credit cards. It's just frustrating.

'ACTIVE LISTENING' IS A TOOL WE USED WITH OUR CHILDREN BEFORE THEY CAUGHT ON. IT DOESN'T WORK VERY WELL BETWEEN US. 45 YEARS AND STILL TONS OF CONFUSION IN COMMUNICATION......I THINK IT HAS MORE TO DO WITH TOO BIG OF A GAP IN I.Q.

IF he is really listening, and IF he really gets the problem, then the issue is not lack of communication. Good communication can solve a lot of problems, but it does not solve everything by itself. Perhaps he has a problem with impulsivity, or perhaps he isn't really being completely honest about what's motivating him to act as he does. In either case, it sounds like you are having problems that really need solving.

Assuming that he agrees that his spending is a problem, then you can both agree that his problem needs to be solved -- one solution is that he gives you the checkbook to help him control his impulsivity (this is very different from you taking it away). If you don't like that solution or he doesn't, then work together to find another one-- which of course requires more good communication. I'd encourage you not to give up because this kind of problem can cause big problems (and it sounds like it already has), both financially and emotionally between you.

People often think about active listening as a tool to be used on someone; a kind of manipulation or way of handling someone. I'm not sure if this is how you have used it, but if so, I can understand why it has not worked for you. I think about it more as a way of (or guide for) connecting with someone; in which case there is nothing to "catch on to" other than an honest desire to understand and communicate in a respectful way with the other person. Even given this way of thinking about active listening, it will only work when you are reaching out to someone who is also willing and wanting to connect honestly. All that said, I'm curious to know how what I'm saying fits with your experience.

As for the gap in I.Q., I'm not sure how that would play into this situation-- perhaps you could share more about that.

If yall have made it 45 years already, you must be doing something right! As far as the gap in IQ, you might want to not over-estimate or under-estimate your spouse. I married my husband knowing full-well he isn't the smartest man I know, and sometimes I think that influences how I treat him (unfortunately). There are times when he amazes me with his insight, and I always have to remind myself that I'm not nearly as smart as I'd like to think! I pray we make it to 45 years as well - we haven't even known each other a year, so we have quite some time to go!

I know that this post was on active listening, and that I'm straying slightly from the topic. I personally am not the greatest active listener, but I work on it and manage to find other ways to have a discussion rather than an argument. However, when it comes to money, like you posted (buying items even though you do not have the financial means), I would suggest creating a budget WITH your partner. It sounds like you are the one with the financial skills, so you can steer the conversation, but make sure you write down your incomes, your bills, your debts, pay-off plans, and any extra money you have coming in. I've found that it is vital to have an allowance - money that is allotted to me and my husband ($20 each per week) - that we can spend however we want. So, I could spend my $20 on junkfood, he could spend it on a video game he's been wanting. It encourages restraint (because you can see how much you have left) and instills principles in savings (such as if DH wants a video game that is $30). If we do not have allowances, we spend way more than we budgeted for.

Make sure that if you do this, though, that it is a joint effort, and try to make sure you are both kept abreast of anything financial. It sounds like this is where your partner will have an issue, but discuss it with him.

Dr. BP, It does not always work for me, I do use your technique and cover that base 3 times with my husband . But my challenge is my husband just doesn't listen to what I'm saying. He talks over me . He will ask a question as I begin to answer he answers for me or he will just keep talking. If I do answer, it as if I didn't, he will ask the same question 3 more times as if my answer will change. What can I do so he will hear what I am saying, calmly ?

Explain this if U can. My husband listens 2 minor things but not important things. Example-He will take time and hunt different stores 4 the kind of coffee creamer I like, and if he cant find it he will tell me how he really looked and he is sorry. Example-He cheated(a few times), but he doesnt want 2 talk about it. He says he is sorry. He made a mistake. He loves me, let it go, like its nothing. I cant seem to get him 2 understand how this hurts me. I told him a mistake U do by accident, not over and over.I asked him how he would feel if I cheated. He said he would hope I would stop. Then he says something stupid like well U smoke. And he walks away. Whats that? I smoked when I met him. He thinks smoking and cheating are the same? How can he listen about the little things I want, but cant understand this is the biggest thing I want-no cheating. I've had to just end things, even though I love him because he just cant or wont listen about this.

Personally I am going through a rough time right now. 3 weeks ago my wife left me and we have a 16 month old son together. It was a shock and unexpected that she left me. Our break-up has nothing to do with cheating or any kind of abuse. We have been building a house for over 2 yrs now and her father is the builder. This build has brought alot of anger, disappointment and stress between her family and or marriage. We lived with her parents for over 1 1/2 yrs to try to pay off bills, save money and buy things for the house. Her father did not want us to leave so we stayed waiting for the house to be finished. Over time this caused alot of problems because we had no previousy or a place we could call our own. My wife would cry and be stressed out over all her fathers empty promisses and failed dates that the house would be finished. I got tired of the lies and my wife being hurt so I confronted her father one night which was a big mistake. As I was demanding answers and a final date the house would be done he got angry. He pushed me many times and I told him to stop and he wouldn't so I defended myself by restraining him so I could get some answers. I now I should of been the adult and walk away but I didn't. For that her family does not want to have anything to do with me. I tried to apologize but they won't here of it. My wife, child and I moved in with my sisters family waiting for the house to be done. 3 months go by of living there and my wife leaves me and moves back home to her parents. She says the reason she left me was that I didn't appreciate her, listen to her, I'm arrogant about her friends/people, she didn't know who she was anymore, I am controlling, gone to much and she didn't love me as a husband anymore. The reason I was gone so much was I was out at the house working on it so it could get done faster and also save money. I would go out there on the weekends and 2 or 3 times during the week after work. I did this for over 2 yrs. I thought that this was what she wanted so I never stopped. If, I new my marriage was going to be over I would of stoped in a heart beat. But, I never got that from her when we would talk. About the controling factor it wasn't that I kept her from doing things I just asked alot of questions and gave her a hard time about things. Which I know now that is not the way to do things. Everything else I have not been perfect at but the stress of the house made me loose focus. I love my wife very dearly and I am willing to do whatever it takes to get her back. She is unwilling to talk about and does not want to try marriage counceling. She says I won't change and she does not want to waste anymore of her and my time. I just don't understand why she is so unwilling to fix this marriage. What do I do?

Sounds to me like your wife's family might have got to her by siding with her when she complained about you. It also sounds like she's not mature enough to leave her parent's home yet. She leaves you because you're not giving her enough attention when you're out trying to finish building a home for the both of you?! Her family has her brainwashed. Keep your distance for a while & see if she doesn't come back when she doesn't get what she wants from her family. That time will come. Don't feel that any of this is your fault. She's the immature one.