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Willing but not Wanting
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LoveYorkies posted:
If your partner was willing to have sex with your but didn't really want to would you have a problem with that?
My husband and I have not had sex for about a week which is driving me nuts! I told him yesterday that I needed to have sex with him today because I am going crazy. To this he replied no problem. Today came and went and when it was almost time for him to get ready for work (and thus not enough time to have sex) I asked him why he didn't inititate anything. He told me I should have because I was the one who wanted to have sex (maybe so, but I am always the one to initiate). I asked him if he wanted to have sex with me today and he said he was "indifferent." This hurt me and I tried to talk to him about it but as always it just exploded into a huge fight because he can't tell me what he thinks or feels. Any thoughts? Please save me the "why didn't you initiate?" because just once I would like to feel desired.
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
It may help you to know that you are not alone with these issues; that is, the sexual frequency and the communication problems around this issue. They are both common.
As you no doubt know, unless you are willing to live with a sexless marriage, the two of you must discuss this. I'm thinking about your question with the assumption that you are happy in your marriage; if not, I suggest you address this first. Also, I am assuming that you are happy with the sex when you do have it; if not, you will also need to address this. My best suggestions for addressing the problems you pose are these: Begin a discussion at a less emotional time- a time when you are both calm and have time. State simply that you see the frequency of sex in your marriage as a problem; that you are attracted to him (if you are), enjoy having sex with him (if you do) and would like to have sex more often. Then ask him what he thinks about your sex life-- what is he happy with and what is he unhappy with? Are there other problems that are affecting his desire to have sex? Do everything you can to approach this conversation in an open and nondefensive way. If you are unclear about what he is saying, ask more questions. If you disagree or are distressed by what he is saying, take a deep breath and perhaps even tell him that this is hard for you, but that you really want to work this through with him-- if you respond defensively, the conversation will go bad fast. Repeat back what you've heard to make sure you have it right and also to let him know you understand. (If you don't think you can continue in a constructive way, then tell him you need some time to think about what you've already discussed and want to continue later. Then take the time to think about the issues and compose yourself before talking again) Then share your feelings and thoughts. Hopefully, the two of you can work it out. If you can't, even after several attempts, I'd suggest considering marital therapy before the problem gets worse and ruins your whole marriage. Also, you might find it helpful to look at my discussion (posted 3/15/10) entitled 'Partner not hearing you? How to communicate effectively.'

Good luck with this and feel free to check back with this Exchange for more support.
 
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mcrock24 replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
to have this ame problem, except it is the other way. iwant to have sex with my wife but she seems unresponsive to it. i know we now have a newborn, 20 month old, so i know she is tired more. but any advice on what to do. we havent had sex now in over a month i guess.
 
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LoveYorkies replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
Thank you for your reply Leslie. I have tried to talk to him about this several times without success. As you alluded to, one of us gets defensive and the conversation goes bad very fast. I'll agree that my timing last night was less than ideal. He doesn't work tonight so I will try to talk to him again and see if we can get anywhere this time. I'm not very hopeful though. I'm fairly certain that he will have sex with me to "shut me up" and in a week or two or three I'll be in the same boat I'm in now. I have considered marital therapy several times but I don't know how to go about it. Also, I'm a little afraid of what might come out if we do.
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to LoveYorkies's response:
Your fear is understandable-- your marriage is hanging in the balance. But doing nothing will certainly not help, and will probably just allow things to get worse. So, talk with him again. If the pattern returns, then talk with him again about that. If all attempts fail, again, you might need the help of marital therapy. To find a therapist, think about whether there is someone you know who might be able to refer you to a good therapist. If you don't know someone personally, try getting a referral from your primary care physician or gynecologist. Ask at your church or temple. You might also check with the psychological association in your state or a local hospital to see if they have a referral service. Another place to find someone is through your health insurance company, if you have one. For ideas about how to pick the right therapist for you, check out the How to choose a psychologis t page on the American Psychological Association website. Good luck and, again, we're here if you want more help or support.
 
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hiswife704 replied to LoveYorkies's response:
I feel my marrage slipping away daily. My husband is absolutely uninterested in sex and when we do engage each other its ok. I love him so much but frankly I am only 30 and cant imagine life this way. he is pushing me away and closer and closer to commting an act I would regret. Is it is wrong to ask for it more than once every other week? he also cheated on me with some woman at a bar when he was drunk and he confessed to t the next day. that brings up more questions then on why he cant make love to me?
 
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Sickoverhim responded:
I have THE SAME EXACT PROBLEM!! What's wrong with men these days? I haven't had sex in about 8 days. I don't really keep track anymore. He acts like he's missed out in "getting some" when I start my period. It's really annoying and aggravating. Plus, it makes you feel so ugly and unwanted. Then my husband wonders why I don't get all dolled up anymore. There's just no point.
 
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qtn3087 replied to Sickoverhim's response:
I am in same situation as yours, but in reverse. I am wondering maybe I don't understand woman or what? We used to have at least 4 times a week, and now she's just turn to the other side when she knows that I am asking for it. I rather masturbate than having sx with a piece of log.
 
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babymomma6 responded:
I am in a similar situation,only I'm in a 5 month relationship with a man whom I am extremely attracted to,but he doesn't really want sex either,nor does he initiate it.I'm always the one to initiate,but when he knows we might have sex,he totally sabatoges the evening by making stupid excuses like he's tired,or he ate too much(whatever!),or he has the infamous "headache".I don't get it! When we are together intimately,he gets aroused,so that's not the problem.He's never been married,has no kids,and has been single pretty much his whole adult life-he's 38 years old and acts really shady about spending time with me(out of his comfort zone).If anyone has any opinions,please feel free!Thank you
 
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normalyme replied to babymomma6's response:
If you are in this relationship for only 5 months and there's no sex, do you think it will get better in 5 years ? Unless you want a wonderful sexless relationship I would cut my losses and run. There may be a reason he's been single his entire life.

N
 
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Schmeet2369 responded:
Well I have come to find out that men are sexual creatures...but to a point. Early in a relationship men want, desire, and get very excited very easily becuase its something new...something different, you get to say new things, do new things...experiment on each other...ya know? It seems like there is always something new. Once you've been togather for about 5 years...the spark starts to fizzle down...why? Well that is just the way it is...after a family, or a marriage has began there are other things to worry about. Usually about paying the bills, working, playing with the children...they really stop worrying about just you...and pleasing you in bed, and their minds go off to fullfill other things and peoples needs other than just yours. Often in a new relationship the men put themselves to the side and only tend to your needs...which once again after the fizzle dies down they start focusing back on themselves. They are doing the regular day to day things, while probably adding other things to their lives...hobbies, activities...and it is all time consuming AND energy consuming...
Dont take it as hes purposely dodging your desires...but that he just needs more to get him in the mood as frequent. Maybe its not just about initiating...but doing something new something different...remember that is what kept the relationship so exciting to begin with. He was working twords trying to achieve something bigger, better...greater...and (more often) Leave him naughty notes around the house...take a picture or 2 of you and leave it in a spot where hell find it when hes least likely to expect it...make him want something. Make him feel like he almost needs it.
Also chances are he thinks nothing is wrong, that everything is ok....he doesnt even think about it becuase its not an issue to him...so if you want to know his feelings or thoughts dont...becuase hes not going to give you any...He probabgly thinks everything is going good. Men are pretty clueless about what goes on within a woman. Women are very emotional, and they need reassurance and attention...men know this, but they forget the longer youve been togather. .....But also...if you really need to try and focus your mind also on something else. Take up running, biking, rollar blading, pilates, yoga...it will get you toned up and get some of that built up energy out of the way...also take a class...something home ec, its always something good to know....also you can do alittle study on cooking better foods, maybe do some research on foods that bump up the male limbido (hehehe) Anything really that takes your mind off of the other junk all the time. Spend alittle less time thinkin about him, and think about yourself alittle more. And if he does decide still to wait a week or so....after doing all this and becoming less dependant on him to be "satisfied" all the time, hell probably be like...well, why hasnt she asked me to do her so much?...and hell notice your healthier, doing more...cooking better, fixin things up better...and it will be attractive to him. Leave your little hints laying around...but dont act on impulse right then if he reacts to them, just smile or wink...and dont say anything, make him want...put the chase back into it...its what they like. NE who...good luck...hope it works.
 
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NorcoJennie replied to babymomma6's response:
Please don't stay in this relationship. I married my husband although we had a similar situation. And I am very unhappy; if it wasn't for my son I don't know what I'd do. That is not the way to live.
 
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babymomma6 replied to NorcoJennie's response:
oh,I'm so sorry to hear that=( it makes me sad that the same thing happened to you.We have a great relationship other that the intimacy thing.I just don't know what to do at this point.I told him I would back off,but he said he doesn't want me to.We talk everyday on the phone and through texting;we have a regular routine going in our relationship.The chemistry between us is intense,so I don't get why he's so apprehensive and sketchy when it comes to the possibility of sex.I'm not all over him or anything;he knows I love him(although I never said it to his face),and he has never pushed me away or been freaked out about my feelings towards him.The only thing I can think is that he is scared to risk the chance of getting hurt by me but that's not my intention.I want to see where this goes because we have an uncanny connection(sounds so cliche,I know! haha).Anyway,I appreciate all your responses and love the advice.I have so much patience with him,it's crazy!
 
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babymomma6 replied to normalyme's response:
Thank you so much for your response.We do have a wonderful relationship outside the sex-I just think he's out of his element with women and doesn't know what to do with me.I'm so crazy about him,and he's so respectful towards me and supports everything in my life.If I didn't know any better,I would think he was gay,but I know he's not;he acts just like a gay man best friend would!Haha..but seriously though,he has been warming up to our relationship and taking it one day at a time.What's weird is that he always wants to talk/text,but I hardly ever see him.We see each other 1-2/week if I'm lucky.I guess he really just wants my company but not too much of it.It really sucks and the way he acts leaves me wanting more and I know it isn't healthy!
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to babymomma6's response:
Babymomma6, as you no doubt know, there are no easy answers. The best I can think of to do for you is to clarify your options. You can sit down with him and lay the problem out to him. With an open mind, ask what is going on; then hopefully the two of you can work through whatever he says is the problem. If he isn't really willing to talk openly, you can continue to try to address it at different times. At some point, however, you might decide that this is getting you nowhere. Then, you can see if he's willing to get into couples counseling, accept what does exist in your relationship (you'll need to find a more positive perspective or you will just become increasingly more unhappy), or leave. The bottom line is that you really need to work together to develop a mutually satisfying sex life, and a mutually satisfying relationship. Good luck.


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