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The problem may actually be one of two. It could be a matrix of issues that fester between the spouses. If the inevitable conflicts that arise within a marriage are not addressed directly or effectively, they can take over and decay all that is good within the union. One reason this is relatively common is because spouses often try to minimize the importance of problems; they don?t want to see what it is they fear.
A second basic problem that might be at the root of an affair has more to do with struggles inherently within one person, but affecting the marriage. This spouse has difficulties maintaining a monogamous relationship due to any of a number of complex psychological needs. But what begins as one person?s issue then becomes a real problem in the marriage.
Although spouses can?t necessarily know when an affair is happening, they should know if their marriage is faltering. Rather than looking for lipstick on his collar or sniffing for cologne on her blazer, all couples would benefit more from regularly assessing how well their relationship is working. For instance: Do you feel emotionally close? Do you talk through difficult issues in a respectful way? Are you working together to meet each of your individual dreams, as well as joint dreams for your life together? Do you make time just for the two of you? Whether you?re a major celebrity or just sit home watching them on TV, these are the kinds of discussions that will keep a marriage on track; or let you know that there is something really wrong (whether or not an affair is involved).
If it is too late, and one of you has had an affair, then the priority is to address this crisis in the marriage. After all the tears have dried, if your marriage is to survive, the one who had the affair must take responsibility for betraying the bond. However, both need to be open to talking about the problems that existed before the betrayal and the ones that will likely arise going forward (i.e. trust issues). During these discussions, the betrayed party will likely exhibit a need to know why their partner chose that particular person (like a tattoo and fetish model), among other details. They will want to express a fireball of emotions, as well as understand why they were betrayed. This is healthy, but delicate; an obsession with too much detail can derail the healing process. In the end, if all issues are addressed, if both of you see that your thoughts and feelings are respected by the other, and if both of you make a serious commitment to rebuilding a happy life together, then you can recreate that happy marriage. Whether Sandra Bullock and Jesse James can weather that storm together (particularly in the light of flashes from the paparazzi), only time will tell.
Take the Poll
- A drunken liaison between two old lovers
- A one-night stand with a stranger on a business trip
- Sleeping with a platonic friend for comfort after a marital spat
- Fulfilling a fantasy that the other spouse will not accommodate
- None. Any infidelity is grounds for divorce.

Poll Results
-
A drunken liaison between two old lovers5% (40)
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A one-night stand with a stranger on a business trip7% (55)
-
Sleeping with a platonic friend for comfort after a marital spat2% (20)
-
Fulfilling a fantasy that the other spouse will not accommodate10% (81)
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None. Any infidelity is grounds for divorce.76% (623)
I think the marriage would need a serious reevaluation. The cheater would need to prove that the infidelity was a mistake and that they truly did not want to leave the marriage. If the affair was a cry for change and the cheater no longer wanted to be married, then, obviously we would begin working toward dissolving the marriage. But especially if children are involved, I think it would be hard to just walk away, it would be hard to walk away in any event, but even more so I think when children are a part of the equation.
Marriage is sacred. Sex is not "just physical", it is an act that is reserved for when people are so in love with each other that the act of coming together and "becoming one" is the only possible way to truly show their love for each other. There are many reasons for sex, infidelity is not one of them.
We were not created to be polygamous. We were not created to deal with heartbreak and cheating. We were created to be monogamous. The whole "men have needs" line is crap, men don't have "needs" they have "wants". They don't have needs any more than women have needs and we don't need sex. They use that as an excuse to get away with cheating and sleeping around in my opinion and it usually works because people just accept the double standard.
I will now step down off my soapbox, thank you.
Men often feel that they have a right to satisfy their sexual needs in whatever manner they choose and feel that it should not affect their relationship with their mate. In many cultures around the world this is understood and accepted by men but not always by their mates. They do not seem to recognize that marriage is a legally binding contract. Violation of that contract is a breech of trust and subject to legal action.
Marriages that succeed are based on the foundation of True Love or Agape (Greek) Love. It requires a full and undying commitment to ones spouse. In Christianity this was expressed by Jesus Christ allowing him to be tortured and hung on a cross for the sake of all his followers. This was an expression of his love for all those who chose to follow his teachings.
A willing to compromise and adjust to ones spouse is a degree of devotion and love. If neither spouse is prepared to do this then it is a rocky road ahead.
Maybe people should lower their expectation form family. Maybe when we all stop idolizing life as a one unbroken unit, except the fact that we all have faults and weaknesses, maybe just maybe men and women will be able to handle down time and disappointment.
It's all up to the women what they can take. She can be strong and move on or be strong and stand by her man.
Regardless, I hold any relationship I am in as a sacred entity. Married or not, cheating is not acceptable and no matter the reason, is grounds for termination.
You dont just give up your body like that and expect your formal partner to look the other way.
No excuses, period.
Then you probably have never known anyone who suffered abuse, physical and mental cruelty, brutality ... Men and women, all over the world, every day, are demeaned and beated by the person who is supposed to love them. Many die ...
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