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he wants to feel the "new" feeling every day
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lostintranslation1 posted:
So my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years. In the beginning we had sex daily, if not twice a day several times a week. Then about a year into it it just didn't happen as much, I honestly feel like it's becuase that whole feeling of something new wore off a little bit. I'm ok wiith that, we still have sex 2 to 3 times a week, sometimes a little more. He is not ok with this at all. He wants to have that "new" feeling everyday. If we do not have sex for two days in a row we end up fighting about it, becuase he believes that i "don't want him" "that he's disgusting". I do other things that do show my affection for him (hugs kisses, verbalizing it, dinner,etc.) When it has nothing to do with that. We both came from broken relationships, and each of us has a child under the age of 4. I honsetly completely lose my sex drive when we argue about sex, all it does is make me feel pressured into having to have sex, cuz if I don't then he will be unhappy.
I honestly feel like he's keeping score of how often we have sex and feel as though if we don't have sex like we used when we first started dating he will not be happy. ( I say that becuase he's told me he's ok not having sex everyday, or everyother day, yet if it isn't everyday we fight about it) Sorry this is a novel, I just don't know what to do. I do care about him and do love him, but it just seems like his basis for a happy relationship is based on the amount of times we have sex per week. I don't even know if there is a healthy amount! Any advice would do.....oh and the sex is amazingly good everytime!!
I guess really I just don't know how to constructively get my point across that it's ok if we don't have sex like we used, it doesn't mean I have lost any feelings for him, without him getting defensive.
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LMIthe2nd responded:
I don't mean to discount your issue, but this is a pretty commonplace -- almost "universal" -- problem. There's an urban myth that if newlyweds put a marble in a jar every time they have sex during their first year of marriage, then start taking marbles OUT after that.... there will be enough marbles in the jar to last the rest of their lives!

Your BF needs to rethinik his expectations. Also, he should recognize that HE has equal responsibility for keeping things "new" and fresh in the bedroom. If he's just keeping score and complaining, that's just not helpful. Period.
 
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clmovie responded:
It sounds like he feels love and security through the sex. I would be asking myself if the relationship was built on sex, or is there an emotional deep connection as well. There is a good book on relationships and how to build them with friendship, love, security etc. It is called getting the love you want. Check this out!
 
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lostintranslation1 replied to LMIthe2nd's response:
Thanks for the response, and I know it's a pretty common issue among couples, my bf doesn't understand that though. Again thanks :)
 
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lostintranslation1 replied to clmovie's response:
I will do this! Thanks
 
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tucson0106 responded:
It's been my experience that a marriage therapist becomes the third voice, the non-biased voice in the dance you and your husband are performing. How difficult it is to step out of the circle that is created and becomes the 'known, comfort zone', not how each of you will react to a different response.

I recently married a gentleman that is eleven years my senior, he's 68 and I'm 57. Our life experiences, losses/love of the family brought us together. However, his desire for intercourse is twice daily and he gets into this 'laying on of the guilt trip' when I bring him back to reality. I'm not complaining of the closeness we have w/intimacy, or the desire to 'keep the relationship alive and exciting'; it doesn't need to be an entitled response.

Just to share the marriage therapists take on sexual issues; should the partner require frequent, new, more exciting, unusual acts/positions to 'keep it per say, fresh'; this will only escalate. This partner is a sexual addict.

There are therapists for this condition.

God be with you.
 
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Freshenup replied to tucson0106's response:
My husband and I just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary and our sex life is hotter than ever -- and it was pretty hot when we first got married. We had a slow period while our children were young, by necessity. But now that we are nearly empty-nesters we are enjoying a rebirth in our sex life that is truly delightful. My advice is not to make such a big thing about the slow down and keep your focus on building the love in your relationship, even if you can't always express it sexually. I also think you need to help your significant other find sexual release. I am not saying a man's drive is necessarily any stronger than ours, but it seems like they just need that release more than we do. In fact my husband's doctor told him that he needed to keep the 'pipes' clean to avoid prostrate problems, so he demands his doctor's prescribed treatment virtually everyday now, if not more often. If you aren't up to the full monte, then help him along. We enjoy giving each other a little show of how hot we feel and more often than not the one in the audience gets turned on by the performance and things take their natural course. For loving couples, I think it is critical to find a solution within and between yourselves. Too often these problems like you describe turn you away from each other and that is disastrous leading to pornography, affairs, whatever. Your love life has its ups and downs over the course of the years. I think you got to enjoy the ride and not get fixated on the slow spots. Right now I am going through the change -- we both are 56 years -- and I am just determined to take the change as it comes and not get down about the things that are different. I refuse to condemn myself to becoming an old lady...I want to stay hot and sexy for life, even if the skin sags a bit and I got a few wrinkles around the eyes. And that my friend is what keeps my husband young too. So laugh when you don't feel like sex and ask your hubbie to give you a show too. You'll both feel better.
 
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An_211029 responded:
That sounds ridiculous to me. I don't know if you have tried to talk to him about it, but I know if I was that way and my girlfriend tried to talk to me about it, I would listen and try to find a solution. Everyone has different sex drives. You could always just stimulate him with your hands or mouth. I do enjoy it when my girlfriend does that. Or, he could just pleasure himself and think of you. You could buy him a sex toy.
 
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Missjenniferlynn replied to Missjenniferlynn's response:
Good for you Poppy999
 
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DaisyHarper responded:
I have the same problem with my husband of almost 16 years. It seems like it has gotten worse in the last 6-7 years. Maybe I've just noticed it more now that we have two young children and they have changed my life (added stress, responsibilities). This doesn't seem to matter to him though. I am under constant pressure for sex. He keeps track and if 2 days go by without sex, he brings it up and makes me feel guilty about it, badgers me and asks me when it's going to happen again. He even manipulates his work schedule so that he will have free time at home at the same time as me, when our kids are in school, so that he can use that opportunity to try to pressure/guilt me into sex. I feel like I'm constantly being stalked! Like you, that pressure completely turns me off, it has the opposite effect that he is looking for. I think (and have told him) that he is a sex addict (for other reasons in addition to this). He relieves himself plenty in the shower, almost on a daily basis. That doesn't make any difference on the constant pressure for sex he puts on me though. It seems like a never ending cycle. The more he wants it and pressures me, the less I want to and the more turned off I get. If he would just back off, it might happen more spontaneously and naturally a little more often. Things escalated a couple weeks ago when he physically kicked me in the back several times very hard, trying to push me out of bed, because he was angry I wouldn't have sex. I was (and still am) very upset about this and when I brought it up later, he dismissed it and said, "it's not like you have any bruises." I am so sick of living this way and it is driving us apart. I could really use some advice.
 
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bobbinlanikai replied to DaisyHarper's response:
Daisy,

Any man who thinks forcing a woman to have sex will improve his sex life is terribly misinformed. The fact that he wants sex so frequently and even masturbates daily in the shower indicates that he may have a genuine sexual addiction problem that needs to be treated by a professional therapist.

Orgasms are great and I sometimes wish we could just press a button anytime to have one but then I don't think they would continue to be so pleasant if we had that ability. Your husband certainly can't expect you to feel the same way he does. One thing not mentioned in your post is whether you enjoy having sex with him? Do you have one or more orgasms with him or does he simply and selfishly think of himself during sexual activity with you? If you don't climax at least once while having sex with him, he may have to go out of his way to make sure you do. He may have to slow down or manipulate you with his finger during intercourse until you do have an orgasm. Then he will enjoy his orgasm even more if he really loves you. I know this from experience. You can also join him in the shower and help him with his masturbation if he learns to please you during regular sex. It will indicate that you want to enjoy sex with him regardless of how it's done. If these things don't help, try to get him to visit a therapist soon before it affects your marriage.
 
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Blake_Valentine replied to bobbinlanikai's response:
"Join him in the shower and help him with his masturbation?!" Forget that...I know this original thread was about LostinTranslation's issue, and I don't want to contribute to being off-track, but I had to weigh in. Daisy, what you have described is pretty scary. Your husband is not only focused exclusively on his own pleasure but is also an abuser. No man should lay a hand on his wife or SO, and no wife/SO should tolerate it if he does. I know that's easier said than done, as you have 2 young kids, but you asked for advice, so here's mine -- he's got to consent to couples therapy, with you, and if no, you should leave. I don't see how things can improve in your relationship unless there is a dramatic intervention, like therapy or the threat of you leaving. I also worry about your safety, since abusers tend to keep abusing in the absence of a negative consequence. He's a bully...
 
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lora10 responded:
Omg! My now husband( 1 month) and I just got into a verbal fight on the way to church this morning over the very same thing this morning. He doesn't seem to understand that it's that I am NOT turned off by him, it's that I am just not in the mood. Sometimes I just do it to please him and shut him up. I also have a lot of health problems that don't help either as far as my sex drive. I also try to to explain to him that it is a BIG turn off when he behaves the way he does when we don't have sex. He like pouts ans sulks and stays at my side almost seems like he does it to piss me off. I am completely beside myself and don't know what to say or do anymore and I am tired off fighting about it. I feel very resentful towards him when he starts on the whole sex tangent. We try to talk about it but just end up fighting and of course it's my fault we fight because I raise my voice at times to help get the point across. Did you get any helpful info?
 
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DaisyHarper replied to Blake_Valentine's response:
You reaffirmed what has been going through my mind. That kicking incident seemed to wake me up to reality and knock me out of my denial. He has been abusive emotionally and verbally too over the years, albeit subtly. I have come to the conclusion I'm not going to take it anymore. I have disconnected myself from him emotionally and physically (no sex) over the last several weeks and have done a lot of thinking, much of it about leaving him and how I would handle things. Plus so much suppressed anger has come to the surface, I have been constantly bickering and arguing with him (because I feel like I'm done being the "nice" one). This is upsetting the kids, especially my older one, which isn't good. I think we better give therapy a try. I agree, I don't see things improving without that. I will look into finding a therapist. Thanks for your 2 cents and sorry if I got things too far off topic.
 
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jts1430 responded:
lostintranslation, I'm sorry to tell you this. But most likely your sex drive in your first relationship was most likely on the same pace, 1-3 times per week. Thats the amount that you look for ( most likely). But you enter a relationship that your partner wants it everyday and sometime more. I think this is a common thing with women. They have the amount of sex the man wants to keep the relationship going. Cause in the back of a womens mind is that thought that if I don't he'll leave. This is something that needs to be clear right up front. Everyone has a sex drive and doubtful that will change for the better over time. I can tell you the more he ask and is rejected the more he will resent the relationship. Ladies be yourself up front with sex and everyone will be better off. Sorry. Just a guys veiw, whose wife said "The only reason we had sex everyday before living together was becuase I didn't know if I see you the next day". Better to lie and say I'm not into sex as much anymore. Good Luck.


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