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Should I divorce him?
deeplyhurting posted:
For the past few months, I've found out that my husband has been sending nude pics of himself to various friends (girls) and visa versa. When I confronted him in an heated argument he said he apologize and that he did not take the relationships physical. I just found out yesterday that he started doing this again with another one of his girl friends and I'm so deeply hurt. We've only been married for a year and 1/2 and have a 20 month old child together. I feel like its time to quit and file for a divorce. This just hurts so bad and I'm tired of always checking his phone for sexual text messages to his various female friends. I don't know what to do. Any advise?
cjh1203 responded:
If you want to try to stay married, get marriage counseling and see how it goes. If you really don't have the heart to stay with your husband, though, I can certainly understand why you would want a divorce, and I think you have a legitimate reason.

Sending nude photos of himself to a bunch of women is pretty creepy -- did he try to justify it somehow? This must be so upsetting -- I'm sorry you have to deal with it, especially since you have a child.
3point14 responded:
You should be able to trust the man you're married to. It doesn't sound like you can trust this man. You and your child deserve better, and while a divorce is hard, it'd probably be worth it in the long run.
darlyn05 responded:
I don't think it sounds creepy that he is sending nude pics to other people. It's down out right flagrant disrespect, and very so wrong!!!!! This doesn't sound good at all.
stoopNYC responded:
My personal opinion is that divorce should never be an option. Okay I may take that back because I am sure I will get several opinions stating otherwise as the below post will come up with some 1 in a million scenario. But overall divorce should only be considered as a last resort---meaning when all other alternatives have been tried.

I think that in todays society among all of our other "quick fix" diviorce is thrown out there as a solution to your problem and that obviously the marriage was not meant to be. Well guess what marriage takes work. And when I say work I mean 24hrs a day 7 days per week. When you're not working that is when it fails.

Now I am not saying that what your husband is doing it right. But getting a divorce is only going to create more problems especially since you have a kid involved. Seek marriage counseling. In my experience being married things like this happen when your partners needs are not being met (again not always). Having such a young kid I am sure you're exhausted you sex life may be suffereing. Or perhaps, being a mother, you put your child's needs first and it is easy to forget your husband (I know cause that happened to me). Guys will not always admit to this but when we a put on the back burnner and everything is about the baby it is easy for us guys to be a little resentful. Also it is easy to get in a routine and then bordom sneaks in. When you get bored you loose the creativity in your marriage and the spark is gone and maybe your husband is seeking that adrenaline rush?

So my advice is:

1) plan a special date night with out the baby. Go out for dinner come back home and rent a movie and watch it. Afterwards take your time with eachother, talk and tell your husband why you appreciate him (men love to hear this). Make this a habit---one time per month

2) During your date night bluntly ask what your husband thinks about the marriage. Ask on a scale of 1 to 10 how much does he trust you, what level is his communication, what can you improve and what is going well.

3) Set goals as a couple so that you have something exciting to look forward to and something to work on together

4) Communication is key. However men and women communicate differently. Go to marriage counseling. Counseling does not mean there is something wrong with your relationship. Read Love and Respect---excellent book

And if you are willing to give up and throw in the towel this easy I am here to tell ya life has bigger problem than that that will be thrown at ya.

I hope this helps and I want to let you know that I completely understand why you are upset but you can get through this as a couple. Remember the struggles in life is what allows you to grow as an individual and will also allow you to grow closer to those around you.

Hang in there!!!
naggingwife74 responded:
Well, as far as stoopNYC's advice goes; don't take it. Yes, marriage takes a ton of work but if something isn't going right the last thing that you should do is focus on everything that YOU are not doing. In one form or another, your husband has been unfaithful. The fact that you don't rush to the bedroom as soon as you get home from work to please him doesn't give him the right to do what he is doing.

If your tired from raising a small child and too tired for sex, maybe your SO should get up and help you out more.

If the spark is gone and the sex life is not interesting then maybe HE should get a book or a pamphlet and fix it.

If you are focusing on your child more than him and he is jealous because he is put on the back burner, then maybe he should take some time and grow up. This is something that happens when you become a parent. Suck it up and deal with it.

All of those suggestions to fix your marriage are great but they should be 50/50, you are not responsible for the problems in your marriage. Your husband has been disrespectful of you and your family and he is the one that should be on this board looking for help to save his marriage.

As far as I am concerned, you know when you are ready to end a marriage. If you don't want to work on it or fix it or have him in your life as your husband then yes, divorce is the way to go.

There are many times when divorce is the answer. Some people don't believe in it and that's great, may they live happily ever after.
stoopNYC responded:
I thought someone would right something like this. And honestly this is why so many marriages fail. I never once agreed with what your husband is doing, in fact I find it disrespecful and he should be ashamed.

Maybe he thinks this sort of behavior is okay. Some couples find it okay to watch porn, to have threesomes etc....

Again communication is the foundation of marriage. For us guys you have to tell us what is wrong and how to solve it DO NOT ASSUME WE KNOW WHAT YOU WANT!!!!

The PP (naggingwife) says your husband should help out more

"HE should get a book or pamphlet and fix it"

"...he is on the back burner...time to grow up"

That type of attude is going to create issue even bigger and honestly I dont see how it comes close to fitting her 50/50 ratio.....sounds like the husband has all the responsibilty. Like I said in my previous post yes you need to have this discussion with him when the baby is not there to distract or frustrate you/him. If you want him to help out more to relieve you from the stress, GREAT!!! but you have to tell him. Do not expect him to know what your needing help with.

I disagree with the 50/50 rule it has to be 100/100. And if sex lacking, well for a guy that is huge. And if its something that simple and takes only a few minutes and will make his day and cheer him up and inspire him to help out then why deprive him of it?!?!?!? All women know that men enjoy sex and it generally puts us in a better mood. Marriage is a sacrifice: you are going to do things for him that you may not want to and he is going to do things for you that he may not want to. We do this to please our partner. If our partner is happy then naturally they will want to return the favor.....creating a harmonous relationship.

Onother helpful tool is to put yourself in your partners position and think how you would feel? Men, being human, have feelings just like women (only that we are better at hiding them). We require a certain amount of attention just like women want attention from their husband.

Another bit of advice. Do not read into what your husband says. Whatever he tells you take is for what its (men speak literal terms). And for men its also all about approach. So do not raise your voice, be aware of your body language and do not get off topic. If you find that your husband is doing this polietly redirect him.

I think you have some great advice here....try some of these ideas out and get back to us and share which one was successful.
cjh1203 responded:
stoopNYC, I'm not saying that they should get a divorce, although it's certainly an option if this is something she can't get over.

You seem to be assuming an awful lot from deeplyhurting's post, which only said that he was sending nude pictures of himself to other women. Of course, he knows it's not right -- he already apologized for it once and then did it again.

She didn't say a word about any other problems in their marriage or with their sex life, but it sounds as though you assume he's doing this because she is failing him in some way. Even if that were true -- and you have no way of knowing if it is -- how does that justify what he's doing? Nothing excuses his sending pictures like that to other women. Do you think there is anything that would justify your wife's sending nude pictures of herself to various men? How would you view advice to have more sex with her so she would stop it?

You have some valid points for relationships in general, but the OP said nothing that would indicate any of them apply to her situation.
LR2020 responded:
"Do you think there is anything that would justify your wife's sending nude pictures of herself to various men? How would you view advice to have more sex with her so she would stop it? "

Heh heh. I'd like to hear stoopNYC's honest answer to that one. And more to the point, what if after long talks and apologies, she turned around and did it again? What if she plainly refused to stop, but just got sneakier about it? Since he doesn't believe in divorce, would he just let it go?
MommaMiaa responded:
Maybe he thinks its ok?? If any married men out there thinks its "ok" to send nude photos to other women he has got to be the worlds biggest idiot. A woman should not have to tell their man that sending nude photos is ok or not ok. A man should know that its not unless its some open agreement between the two (which is whack if thats the case but to each its own i guess).

Secondly divorce is absolutely an option in this matter. Trust was betrayed. He pretty much cheated ( I view it as cheating). I know I could never trust a man again if he did this so I would not expect anyone else to either and when you dont have trust you have nothing.

To the original poster, if you honestly believe that you can possibly trust him again one day then definately try counseling. But if you already know that you cant look at this man the same because of what he has done and you cant trust him, get on that paperwork girl!

And to the men out there who use this excuse: I dont care if a woman does not give a man "enough" sex. That is not a free ticket to go elsewhere. Your wife and family are more important than your sexual needs.
Tiebos responded:
I wouldn't advise making any decisions *right now*. Now, it's fresh, you're angry, and tempers are running high. Now you might easily say "I can NEVER trust him again," but maybe after things cool down you won't feel quite to adamant about that.

Maybe there is a reason he did it, maybe not. I lean more toward Stoop on this one - you made the better or worse vows, til death do you part, and all that... You're ready to throw in the towel a year and a half later? Unfortunately, current mentality for everything is that there has to be a quick fix. Anything we have to work for we don't bother doing.

Or here's an idea - ask him why he did it. Sure, it won't be a *good* reason, but you'll at least know what was going through his mind at the time. Maybe he just wanted attention, or to be complimented on his looks... maybe he was feeling neglected... maybe he was planning an affair.

As for the "If he's feeling neglected he needs to grow up" response, I notice no one offered that advice to the woman who was being ignored by her husband. Why? Because it's bad advice. All things require balance - you can't neglect your husband just because you have a child. Everyone's needs should be taken care of, and yes - that requires cooperation from everyone involved.
LR2020 responded:
Maybe he sends out nude pictures of himself as a form of exhibitionism. Maybe he needs a psychologist.

Something to discuss with him before seeing an attorney.
stoopNYC responded:
I know I have no way of know if their sex life is suffering. But from a guys perspective and other married men that I am friends with that have also done this sort of thing and that its because its the lack of sex and/or attention from their spouse. So I was just throwing out an idea thats all....

As far as some of your questions as how I would handle the situation....well funny that you say that because I have gone throught this except I was on the other side. I had guys sending nude pictures of themselves to my wife!!! Of course it bothered me. She didnt think it was wrong.....she thought it was just guys being guys and trying to be funny. My wife also continued to talk with her ex's which also bothered me. So to answer your question YES I HAVE BEEN THERE DONE THAT. I am still happily married and wouldn't change a thing

And I know what it is like to tell your partner how you feel they say sorry promise they will never do it again and to turn around and there they are doing it again and again and again.....This cycle happened with my wife and I when she would talk to her ex's on myspace/facebook. I told her over and over and over how I felt about the situation and she kept doing it. And it makes it difficult to accept her appology because I didn't believe her.

What I had to finally do is to show her what it feels like. This is not the best solution but its affective and you have to careful when to use this approach. But I started talking to a girl from high school that she didn't like me talking to. Once she felt what I was feeling she understood and stopped. (not saying you should send nude pictures to guys.....that may be a little to extreme but you could ask him how he would feel if you did it).

We talked it over a lot that day and both said sorry and moved on. Forgiveness is crucial to marriage because lets face it.....we are human and we all make mistakes and will hurt our partners feelings.
Cajunlady77 responded:
I am going through a break up with my husband of 10 years and its killing me. A few questions. Do you love him? If so does he love you? If yes to both get some type of help because true love concurs all.
stephs_3_kidz responded:
stoopNYC is wrong.

What your husband did has NOTHING to do with your marriage, his (mis)behavior is HIS responsibility, NOT yours. You could be having sex 10 times a day and if he's going to be an immature idiot, he's going to do so regardless.

He's not doing this to get something he's missing---he's doing it because he likes the thrill!!

Don't beat yourself up over this, deeplyhurting. This is HIS problem.Even though it affects you, it is not your fault.

Should you divorce him? Honestly? I don't know. I can understand why you want to, and why you would. But..(and I can't believe I'm saying this) I think you should try marriage counseling first, for your baby's sake. The fact that he did it AGAIN..after he got caught...makes me think he's going to continue doing it anyway. He needs to prove to YOU he can be trusted....HE has to fix this hole in your marriage if it is going to survive.

(((((HUGS))))). I can't imagine how you feel, I'd be devastated.

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