Sexual Health Community

Well all I can say is that you can consider me your husband. Because it appears my wife has been doing much of the same as what you are thinking. It has just about killed me. We are still working it through but it seems like I am really doing all "the working it through." We have kids however, and that makes a difference. I say if you are going to do that then you are in the wrong frame of mind to make a clear decision. I would ask that you sit down with your husband and have a very hard but frank discussion of where you are and what you are tempted to do. Then at least that gives him the opportunity to change his ways to help you.
My wife didn't give me that and I don't know where we are right now exactly and feel at times I really just want to end it all.

Please dont do it without at least discussing it with him. If he is not receptive to you then you have your answer. If he takes it like a bolt of lightening and realizes what he is doing wrong and changes you win also.

Thanks for your honesty!!
Here's my take on your situation and what I would do. A little background first; There are 6 human needs. We all have them, but we all meet them in different ways. The need for Love/Connection, Certainty, Variety, Significance, Growth and Contribution. A great relationship is one in which you both meet all six of each others needs in healthy ways, but this is rare. Often a relationship will only meet 1 or 2 of a persons' needs, so then they will find someone else to meet those needs. Then the person is confused because they will want both people since different needs are being met. Please check out this Tony Robbin's video;

http://love.tonyrobbins.com/?m=201001

Look for the 90 Day Challenge video

1. Affairs NEVER solve anything, they create an incredible amount of pain and confusion! Wanting to have an affair is a huge red flag that something or things need to change in the relationship in order for it to thrive. Affairs are a way of avoiding what needs to be looked at deeply within the relationship.

2. Not all relationships are meant to be......resolve the relationship you are in one way or the other and if necessary you may have to move on.

3. I have never known anyone who had an affair and felt good about it. I believe part of our journey here on this planet as humans is to learn to be really, really honest with ourselves. You may decide your husband is not the man for you, but be brave and face the problem head on.

Good luck,
Michael Greene (female)

I just sent this to Jessie and after reading your response I thought I would share it with you too. Please, please watch the Tony Robbins video I suggested (see link down below). It has helped so many couples and my guess is that there are things that both you and your wife are not getting from your relationship, but it sounds like there is still a chance you can have an amazing relationship!Reply sent to Jesse:Thanks for your honesty!!
Here's my take on your situation and what I would do. A little background first; There are 6 human needs. We all have them, but we all meet them in different ways. The need for Love/Connection, Certainty, Variety, Significance, Growth and Contribution. A great relationship is one in which you both meet all six of each others needs in healthy ways, but this is rare. Often a relationship will only meet 1 or 2 of a persons' needs, so then they will find someone else to meet those needs. Then the person is confused because they will want both people since different needs are being met. Please check out this Tony Robbin's video;

http://love.tonyrobbins.com/?m=201001

Look for the 90 Day Challenge video

1. Affairs NEVER solve anything, they create an incredible amount of pain and confusion! Wanting to have an affair is a huge red flag that something or things need to change in the relationship in order for it to thrive. Affairs are a way of avoiding what needs to be looked at deeply within the relationship.

2. Not all relationships are meant to be......resolve the relationship you are in one way or the other and if necessary you may have to move on.

3. I have never known anyone who had an affair and felt good about it. I believe part of our journey here on this planet as humans is to learn to be really, really honest with ourselves. You may decide your husband is not the man for you, but be brave and face the problem head on.

Good luck,
Michael Greene (female)Report This

I appreciate your responses. Anon- I would never want my husband to feel the way you do. UGH!

And Michael... I get what you are saying about meeting needs. My husband meets most of my needs, it's just the sexual department that we don't have the same "philosophies" I guess. I almost always initiate sex. It makes me feel unwanted. Like he'll have sex with me... when I want it. Aren't men suppose to WANT to have sex?? Maybe I need to discuss this with him. I have told him in the past that I'll have sex with him whenever he wants. I'd have sex almost everyday if he wanted!

I also was a bit on the "promiscuous" side in high school and early college. I thought giving oral sex to guys would make them like me. Maybe this is also a factor. I want to keep a relationship with my former co-worker, and I feel like a sexual relationship would help that- make him like me more. Is that a messed up way of thinking? To me, SEX=ATTENTION I guess. Maybe I need to work through that.

I just had a chat with the former co-worker, and it got sexual. I told him I would feel guilty, so he said I didn't have to come visit him them. So, now I feel I am in the "all-or-nothing" stand off with him. I made it so I either have to cut ties and lose a friend, or have a sexual encounter. What a mess.

As for leaving my husband- I don't know. The ONLY thing I don't like about him is the fact that he doesn't act "manly" enough I guess. I feel like his roommate and errand-lady sometimes! I want him to make advances towards me! I want him to take the lead. Sometimes I feel like I need a more "manly" guy... you know, jeans and cowboy boots! But, my husband is the sweetest, nicest person I ever met. He's so patient with me through bouts of depression, the death of a parent and of a best friend in the last couple of years.

Anon- you're really making me second guess this. Your words have given me the other side of the coin.

Feel free to keep the advice/other perspective coming!

Jessie, it looks like you needed to hear it in the other ear, as it were from the husband's perspective.
Your husband sounds like a true gem, loyal, supportive and friend.
The situation is not a mess, YET. If you mess with this other guy, then you will create a mess!
Talk to your husband.
Maybe try to get him have testosterone levels checked, if lack of libido is the problem...
Get away from the house together, even for a weekend somewhere...house-sit for a friend if you cannot afford a vacation.
Have FUN together.
Don't throw away a good marriage.

Honestly, I think you need to tell your husband the truth or go buy some Sex Toys... I'm being very serious. If your husband Loves you, he will love you enough to understand. Maybe he wants to have Sex too? You never know until you try. Cheating won't do anything but make you misrible mess, and you will have fun having sex once or twice, but it will eat you up inside, unless you dont care about your husband or just with him for money. If you truly love him, you would never purposly hurt him like that. If you really feel "ok" with cheating, you need to step back and ask yourself.. Do You Love This Man Enough Not To Hurt Him, Give up something like that for him? Who will be there for you at the end of the day... Husband?... Ex Co Worker?

* THE TRUEST RELATIONSHIP IS WHEN THE LOVE FOR EACH OTHER EXEEDS THE NEED FOR EACH OTHER!!! (:

I appreciate your effort to help, Bluckenbill. However, it goes deeper than having an orgasm. You would know this if you were a bit older and had more "life experince." (I know that's not what you want to hear at your age, and you do want to be seen as an "adult", but it's true) I just read your discussion you started. No disrespect, but you are a 14 year old girl who is sexually active and wants to have a baby. Your advice to "buy some sex toys" is a bit simplistic and reflects your young age. It would be like me telling you to just go "buy a doll" to dress up and take care of. It still wouldn't meet your desire to have a baby, right?

That being said, even as a 14 year old, you do offer some words and ideas that I need to revisit.
I do agree with your sentence about making a miserable mess, and it may not be worth a few moments of intimacy outside of my marriage. And you're right... at the end of the day, my husband is there for me. The other guy won't. be He's married with kids.

Again, my first paragraph was not meant to disrespect you, or take what you said as not good advice. I just wanted to put things into perspective for you and other readers. You do have some good points to make, and it is my hope you will grow into a wonderful woman and will keep your own words of advice. You seem smart enough also to know the answer to your own discussion board question.

You're right, 1291. This isn't a big mess, yet. I am not too far into it to not be able to dig my way out. I have decided to have a discussion with my husband about the level of affection in our marriage. I am by no means putting this on him, but my husband is not very affectionate, so I think this is where my desire to stray from the marriage starts. Anon-9355 and I have been able to offer each other the "other side" in each of our situations. You're right, I may have needed to hear his side.

Your response is very insightful. You have more clarity about what is going on then you might think. A little more to think about in addition to the 6 human needs I mentioned earlier the second helpful piece of information is that there are 3 types of relationship - 1= an intimate relationship where both people are looking to meet each others needs (I don't mean just sexually, but emotionally as well), 2=The trade, this is the type of relationship where you are constantly trading, "I do this for you, you do this for me" and 3= Roommates, I look out for my needs and you look out for yours. Some couples are clearly in one category or the other and often couples move in and out of different levels. It's important to identify where you are in your relationship and where you want to be.

When you mentioned that sex=attention you can see how that meets your need for significance. My guess is that it also meets a need for connection. Connection and significance are very powerful and I wonder if maybe you might feel empty in these areas of your life and are looking to be filled up by whoever will meet those needs.

Based on what you have shared about your relationship it sounds like your husband is the person you would like to be connecting with.

There were two other pieces of information I found very telling in your response; one, that you feel like his room mate - I would agree you are, couples who are not intimate may love each other very deeply, but a relationship without intimacy becomes a loving friendship, not an intimate relationship. It sounds like you want an intimate relationship, I can see why your current situation wouldn't make you happy, BUT.........

I think there is something deeper going on here, sex is just the symptom.
The second thing you said, is that you want a more "manly" guy. What kind of a man was he when you were first attracted to him? Was he more independent,confident,manly, aggressive, determined,ambitious? If any of these ring true or you can think of other definitions of manliness that he demonstrated, then ask yourself what changed for him. Was it work, children, loss of identity, decline in level of physical health and strength or maybe the loss of a life goal or dream. Whatever it may be did you play any part in taking away his manliness? Or, did he do it to himself? Let me know and I can give you some more guidance if you want.
Michael

How receptive would your husband be to "play acting". If he's willing to try it give him the manly part that you desire. Isn't it funny that women crave "cave men" types. I think that it makes us feel more desirable, REAL desirable! But I've read just as many men wish that their woman would be more agressive. Isn't it awesome that children are ever conceived w/the differences some couples have about the sex they desire?!

Don't cheat because it sounds like you've good a really good man that has one problem. If we all had such luck! Constantly getting in sexual conversations with other men is dangerous. You don't know when one of them might be "nuts". Sounds too like you like the flirting part of foreplay. Have you ever started flirting w/your husband? Like doing the dishes together? Does he like to wrestle? Sometimes getting the man to be the agressor happens in some type of competition and can end in some really hot sex. Please, just don't cheat. Think long & hard about it. You've got a lot to lose & not much to gain. Keep in touch.

Well, we talked.
Let's start with a little bit of "TMI." Tuesday nights we usually have sex, because that's one of his nights off. So, we did our usual Tuesday ritual... dinner, drinks, TV, then to the bedroom. I'll spare the details!

Afterward, I struck up the conversation. He could tell something was on my mind. I told him (not in a nagging way) that I just feel I need more attention and affection from him. I told him I didn't feel attractive to him, and that I felt like his roommate. Well, this began a revelation.

Just some background, I am a bit over weight. I recently lost 30 pounds, but still have a lot to go. Anyways...

What he said back was a bit of an eye-opener. He said that he compliments me, or tries to give attention, and I shoot him down with, "You just have to say that because you're my husband," or if he says I look good, I respond with something like, "yeah, but I'm still fat and feel like ----." He said he is to the point he doesn't want to compliment me because he feels like I don't believe him. He said it makes him feel stupid for even saying anything, and he doesn't want to make me feel bad or say negative things about myself. So, he has just given up a bit. Whoa! I didn't realize!

Then we talked about our "intimate" encounters. I told him I don't feel desirable to him. I said I feel like the only time he wants to have sex is after he's been drinking. Here's the real revelation!! He said he drinks because then I drink (we're talking like 4 beers, not sloppy drunk). He said that when I've had a couple beers, I am less inhibited and less self-conscious. He said that when we have "sober" sex, I am constantly making negative comments about my body, like, "sorry I'm fat," and so on. He also said I constantly "block" him from doing things he wants to do (such as performing oral sex) because I am self-conscious. He said it ends up feeling like a wrestling match. And- this was where it hit home- that he doesn't enjoy it. UGH!!! He said he doesn't want to initiate sex, especially after NOT having a few beers, because it ends up him wrestling with me, and me making negative statements about my body. Oh my gosh! What really hit home was him saying "not enjoyable" about 5 times. I LOVE having sex, but I've made it unenjoyable for him!! He said he feels like I just do it because we "have to" or "should," and that I don't enjoy it. I told him I felt the same way about him! The whole time we have just been avoiding this conversation, and have not been communicating our feelings.

So, we discovered things we both need to work on. I need to take his compliments, and not be negative about myself. I also need to trust him in bed, and let go of negative thoughts there. He needs to work on remaining patient with me, and keep the compliments and attention coming!

You're right, Michael, it was deeper than "just sex." I kind of knew that before, but this really solidified it. And, you're also right about feeling "empty" when it comes to connections. My mom passed away suddenly in May of 2007, and my best friend died in a motor cycle crash in April of 2008. Also, my dad was a heavy drinker when I was growing up, so I never got attention from him (I think that's where my promiscous past starts. Sex=Attention, right?) My dad finally stopped drinking after a DUI in Sept. 2007 and has been sober since. Plus, we moved 1200 miles across country in November. Also, my husband opened a business, and is gone all the time. So, I have lost a lot of connections, and feel empty.

After we turned the lights off and settled in, I was so happy we talked. Usually while falling asleep I think about my former coworker and what our secret "rendezvous" would be like. Last night, I didn't even want to think about it! I've decided I need to take a break (maybe permanent?) from talking to my co-worker. It's not healthy at this point to keep our communications going. I'm just seeking attention, and I've been ignoring it at home.

I'm running out of room!

Continued...

So, I had some real moments of clarity last night. All we had to do was TALK!! Ugh!!!

Also, I need to work on things that Michael brought up. My husband wasn't always super "manly." I use to do the yard work, fix things, etc. He is our family "tech support." He's more of a computer guy than a hands-on fix-it guy. But, Michael, you made me realize I have also been stripping away his "manliness." I have a very aggressive, abrasive, strong personality. I am a teacher, and so is most of my family. I am use to being the leader. My mom also raised me to be SUPER independent... I think almost to the point of it hindering me. Also, he has lost a lot of weight, so he is about 60-70 pounds lighter than me now. I am bigger than him now, so it makes me feel like less of a woman, and like he should be stronger and bigger than me. I think it's an issue. It's something I need to work on.

Veryinquisitive... you're dead on about women wanting "cave men." And it's funny... I am so independent, and would consider myself a strong feminist- almost to the point of being anti-male!! I would NEVER let a man to control me... but I sorta secretly do want that!! How strange, right? You are right, what I am doing is dangerous. I am only talking to this one man, but it still is dangerous for my marriage. My husband is a good man, he's so honest, sweet, protective, and kind. He's patient with me, and has helped me through all that I wrote in my last post (deaths, etc.).

Well, I have been blabbing. Thanks for listening and helping me work through this. It has been theraputic to just type it all out. I don't think this is a done deal, and I will continue to work through this. But, I am a lot further away from cheating than I was 24 hours ago.

Your response brought tears to my eyes. It sounds like you both love each very much, but have been through some difficult times. We all go through hard times and relationships are one of the most amazing places to grow and learn about ourselves. It's fascinating to me what your husband said about you not accepting his compliments. In all my years of studying relationships I have learned that men want more than anything to make their woman happy. When a man gives you a compliment (regardless if you agree) the greatest gift you can give him is to take it in and thank him.When you don't, it makes him feel small and discounted. He is trying to adore you. If it were me and I wasn't feeling good about my body image, I would do this one thing; Tonight when he comes home I would sit down across from him hold both his hands, look him in the eyes and say something like, "honey, I love you so much and thank you for loving me. Thank you for being honest with me last night and I realize your compliments are a gift that I need to take in. I also want to say that I am going to do my part and work on getting the body I want and deserve. I'm not going to complain about it and I will take your love and support to give me fuel and strength to achieve those goals." Then give him a big hug!!

If you get a chance, I would still watch the Tony Robbins video - 90 Day Challenge. I will tell you, in all my experience and with everything you have shared about your husband, I really think your relationship deserves giving it all you've got and you both will be rewarded with one of the greatest experiences in life.......a SPECTACULAR relationship!!
Good Luck and email me if you want to talk again.
greenemichael71@yahoo.com
Michael

Jessie77777, I am only 20 years old and therefore probably not as wise or experienced as many posters on here... After reading your posts I hope that I can be as great of a woman as you. I have been married for 2 1/2 years and so far, so good. Great, actually! It has been a wonderful experience and reading your posts has motivated me for the future.

I think that you have handled the situation you have gotten yourself into so well! I know that everyone has relationship problems, but it seems that what separates great partners from bad ones is whether or not they are willing to work through the problems they encounter. You are willing to do that. You have a few issues in the sex area of your relationship, and you did stray slightly with the emotional affair, but you are pulling yourself back on track and refusing to betray your partner! I just think it is so wonderful that before making a decision that you could regret, you confronted your husband about what has been bothering you, and you are fixing it together!! I believe that that makes you a very good woman and wife! Good luck with everything!!