Sexual Health Community

Hey Jessie.

How lovely to hear the outcome of all this!
You both sound like intelligent, thoughtful, lovely people.
It is wonderful that you both thrashed everything out and opened up. Such honesty!!.
I am glad you are on a positive note now, and I am sure you will want to keep that up. Enjoy what you have and leave the fantasy behind. Really happy for you. Good luck!

Before you go and do that think about his feeling and is it worth losing your marriage over. There are many sex toys you can please yourself with.

Also think if the shoes was on the other feet would you want him to have a sexual relationship with someone else.

You can also try different ways to turn him on to give you what you need. And if not than you should move on instead of cheating.

Once you cheat and he found out cause everything you do in the dark will come to the light one day. There will be no trust and that will end your marriage.

If your sexual needs is more important than your marriage than you need to leave him now before you hurt him that way.

Hi Jessie,
I am inspired by your response!
What a wonderful testament to "talking it out". I commend you for taking that step, and commend your husband for being receptive and honest.
You guys sound like you are rock solid in your trust and love. Congratulations on this new awareness and step forward!!!
It has resinated with me and I hope to gain the same resolve through communication with my SO.

Thank you folks for your responses. I also want to especially thank those who see this is more than my "need for sex." Those of you who have been or are in a serious, committed relationship realize that it's not a matter of orgasms, buying lingerie or a sex toy. It's about being open, and keeping communication. I guess my husband and I strayed from that open line, and it has left us both guessing and assuming- which is SO dangerous and wrong to do.

I feel so much better and will make a huge effort to keep communicating!!!

I know what cheating can cost, I cheated, it was in response to finding out he had fathered a child with another woman when I was carrying his child, it backfired, I ended up losing my marriage, and my children, I will regret this stupidity forever, it cost too much, being dishonorable never is an answer to a problem, we have choices in life, bad choices bring inevitably bad results, sometimes we feel longings that we should not indulge in, but the grass is only greener on the other side of the fence for a short while, I think if I had it to do over again, I would have gone to a professional for help, and tried my best to engage my husband in that too, but I would not cheat for any reason if I could do it all over again.

What ia good for the goose is good fopr the gander. perhaps you should sit and talk to your spouse about an open marriage. Maybe a 1 date a month policy. It has worked fine for us, rermember variety is the spice of life. So short of emotional attachments a fling is a good thing in a marriage.

I Have been in a relationship for 3 years, with what I thought was my soul mate for life, She told me everyday that she loved me , and we talked about sharing the rest off our life together with each other ,She said she fell in love with me when she first saw me , I taught her to dance, and fixed her house up for her , even her aunts house , I treated her like a queen ,I GAVE HER DIAMONDS, JEWERLY , CLOTHERS , TOOK HER ON TRIPS, BOUGHT HER A FLAT SCREEN TV, FOR HER BATH ROOM etc. , I even Put up a swing for her and I , under her new back yard patio, We had built, ETC. Everyone said we was perfect for each other , and You could tell we both was so much in love , I loved her with all of my heart, respected her , and gave up going out and dancing with other women for her , Then One day , I found this e-mail from her co worker , It tore me a part , she blew it off, And then I noticed she was always to busy for us , she said she had to work to send her son to college , etc, But she was a nurse and make a lot of money , and everything was paid for , so I knew that was not correct. she had savings and her son got grants for school , she even stopped going to church with me , I guess she felt so much guilt that she just could not handle Going to GODS HOUSE AFTER CHEATING ON ME , One day she said she did not have time for us , and that maybe I should move on ,I was devasted , she had ripped my heart open and crushed it , My life was in pcs, It about killed me , I had been throught two divorces before , But not one of them hurt like her cheating on me and to think of her with someone else , this lady that I had loved , with all my heart and given my life for , She totally destroyed my life and trust in any woman , and a loving relationship.
Even after 6--8 months, I have seen her several times and danced with her a few times, and we talked on the phone a half dozen times, But she is gone forever,as for as I am concerned , She still says to this day she does not have anyone in her life, and never stopped loving me , Lol , what a laugh and lie that is , If you really love someone you would never hurt them like that, I guess she thinks I am stupid , because she has her new lovers pickup in her drive way several nights a week , In TEXAS , you are common law husband and wife after 24 hrs, and she had said she would never live with anyone are get married again , what a lie that was , I ran the plate number and sure enough it is the same guy she was cheating with in the e-mail. from work , I am sure her relationship with him is just all about a sexual affair , and it kills me , so I say Jessie do not cheat , and have an affair unless you want to distroy your man's heart and life. It will crush him , With out respect and trust in a relationship , you have noting , and to say you love him , LOL, There is a big different between I love you out of convience and Being in love with someone . I would never ever take her back , I could never trust her again , She devasted and crushed my heart , even thought I will probably always love her, I have forgiven her, , BUT I no longer trust and respect her , so I can't go back . I am moving on with Gods help and dating 3-4 different ladys now and trying to leave it up to GOD to help me find someone special to share my life . someone that really loves me with there heart, and never lie to me , It is so hard to learn to love again , and let your self trust anyone after someone cheats on you and lie's to you. So my answer Jessie is never do it , Talk to your husband are boy friend before doing it , , I thought my lady and I had a good sex life , and was so proud of her , But she distrolled all of that. I believe any affair is wrong . Get a divorce first , and talk and be honest with each other , Do not lie and hide your relationship , like my ex ,girlfriend did , to me , Us men are not stupid we will find out sooner are later. I hope this will help you and someone

I don't have a secret relationship anymore, but I did have this experience and had a sexual affair in a similar situation. You need to look beyond what seems to be happening. Also, think of the outcomes. I was in an emotional crisis having to do with a sick parent at the time and at that time my husband was like your husband. He has change, I have changed and so has our life together because of what I did.
I had the same situation with a co-worker but he was younger than me; married with no kids; I have older kids and we lived in the same area, so I understand you.
I tried to rationalize it but you really can't. This happened 3 years ago and I'm still feeling guilty. My husband found out even before I told him. He didn't leave me, no one found out except for the co-workers wife. My husband and I have a strong marriage. Because of this my husband came clean about a long term phone relationship with an ex-girlfriend that has been going on since we met. He said that they have only been friends this whole time. I still felt awful and had to forgive him because he forgave me. Now, my marriage is stronger than ever, but not what I thought it was, and I have these bad memories too.
Here's the kicker, the extramarital sex was actually pretty bad when I finally had the opportunity, so I actually didn't go all the way. The co-worker was not as well sexually versed as my husband or as I had fantasized. Right after that I didn't continue seeing or talking to him. He turned out to be a total jerk and the parting was mutual. I later found out that I wasn't the only woman he was chatting up or first time he had done this with a woman. I felt like an idiot to have romanticized it.
Today, I can't for the life of me think of why I ever did it. Have you considered how people will think of you if they know? How you will feel about yourself then? You may not care of course, but who wants to be the current joke couple in your community
Think Karma...

I think Michael has some great advice. I felt very much like you.
I kind of gave you some of my background in your original post. I can relate to you. What changed in our marriage was that my husband was beating himself us for losing us a huge amount of money. It reflected on our relationship.
Our relationship was already at risk because of my depression and anxiety issues. You and your husband may need to work on yourselves. Don't wait for him to start, if you start things will move to a positive place.

cheating is cheating... doesnt matter if its him or you... it will not make up for what is missing in your current marriage...even if its fun and exciting... think about how exciting and fun it would be if he found out or if you found out he was cheating or thinking of cheating... that few hours of fun...would amount to nothing but pain and heartache.... and regrets maybe... and emotional pain when you look into the mirror and or into his eyes...

think about the guys wife.... and or his kids... what if.... thats a whole ball of wax....

is all that secretly cheating fun and all that... ya... prb is... exciting etc... but honestly its just not worth it....

if he isnt sexual enough for you... you need to talk to him... maybe he needs to get on a testosterone patch to increase his sex drive....talk to him and an endocrinologist (hormone dr) his levels may be fine..in the lower range...and you can add a little synthetic to bring it into the higher range... if he is resistant saying i dont need that... tell him that he may not need that but you do.... and he might gain a little bit of muscle mass from it and youll desire him more and he will feel more confident... have him read a book called the harvard guide to testosterone for life vitality......... and bring that with you to the dr... maybe even going to a relationship counselor (they might be able to get a script for the test)...also see what meds he is taking.. some will decrease libido...such as propecia or proscar...hair loss meds.... decrease libido big time...

and to keep it fun.. maybe get some sex toys to keep you busy when he isnt in the mood... and or bring him in on it to watch or play along... he doesnt have to perform...but he can help you out with the toys and be an active participant... lots of books and websites can give you millions of ideas... this will help your libido desires....

good luck...

Well, for those of you who have responded, thank you. I am working to get past this. I have not chatted with or e-mailed my former co-worker in about 4 days. That's a long time for us not to chat/flirt. And, again, I did have a long talk with my husband a few days ago. I explained it all a few posts back. Things are better now, and I realize what I was so close to doing to my marriage just for some attention.

Reading the last few posts from today solidifies it. I can't do that to my husband, dishonor my family, and create that bad "karma" as someone said. It's not me. It's not how I was raised. I was just lacking attention, and my husband and I discussed it.

OK- NEXT PROBLEM...
Now, how do I let my former co-worker know that it's over? To stop e-mailing these sexual messages and chatting with me? 2 days ago he sent me an e-mail telling me what he wants to do to me. I felt sick. I haven't responded. Now he is making himself "known" on my facebook page by commenting and liking my posts and status... probably to make me think of him. But, my desires to be with him are like 0.001%. Have I lost the friendship, do you think? What do I do? Send an e-mail saying I just don't want to hurt our spouses? I don't want to go into the dynamics of my marriage with him. I just want an "oh, this was all a big mistake- ha ha!!" way of telling him so that we remain friends. Again, we live 1500 miles from each other, so I think maintaining a friendship may be ok. I would see him MAYBE once a year when I go home to visit. I know, you'll say that leaves the door open to future issues, but I want to go back to the way things were.

Thoughts?

Jessie, I really don't think you can be wishy-washy about this, and there can't be any going back to being friends, at least in the short term. I wouldn't avoid him though, because I think the most effective strategy is to give it to him straight, tell him exactly what your thinking is, and be very firm that all contact must cease. If he posts one more comment on your Facebook after that, I'd block him. Gotta be cruel to be kind. But you can't let him think that there's any ray of hope for him at all. Otherwise he'll keeping holding out hope, sending emails etc. Once you send the final email telling him you've made your mind up, then you gotta stick to it -- don't email him with further explanations or apologies. You both knew going in that there was a high risk of heartache. You don't owe him anything. Be strong...

Jessie, if you must keep in touch, (and I know most people will say you should sever all contact) then keep it squeeky clean.
If you want to keep in contact as a friend, perhaps don't reply to every single email.
When you do respond to his emails, make it an innocent reply and don't flirt with him. No suggestive talk. He will soon pick up on this.
Imagine your husband is reading what you type, over your shoulder...that should help!!

My dear Jessie - if he was a great man you wouldn't want to cheat on him - i'm single and have been with a married man for more than two years - its great but we have fallen deeply in love with each other - i always say things happen for a reason - if you are going to cheat be very careful or better yet why don't you get a divorce - it should be easy you don't have any kids and then do whatever you want - good luck my dear - sex really has a lot to do in a relationship - take care

Your husband is a lucky guy. If I'm lucky my wife might let me have sex with her once or twice a month. Unless your a dog, I don't understand whats going on. I would suggest that your husband have a physical to rule out anything medical. Is his job high stress? My job is high stress but it wouldn't keep me from having sex. To be honest I'd have sex with my wife every day if she'd let me but that's not my luck.