Skip to content
My WebMD Sign In, Sign Up
FWB/Friends With Benefits
avatar
An_211144 posted:
I met a man that was seperated from his wife a few years ago. At that time he told me he was not interested in a serious relationship because he was married only seperated, not sure of what he was going to do. Being alone for many years I found him fascinating and i began to make him notice me. Once he took notice of me, he asked me to go to the hotel, i turned him down stating that i just couldn't be the "booty call", he was upset and didn't speak to me for a couple weeks.
I started thinking about how that sexual experience with him might be, He had made it clear that he could be my FWB, What was a Friend with a Benefit, I started to inquire, once realizing what it was i settled for what he was offering to see him and be with him. I told him i could do that, we went to the hotel and it was great. Then he told me a weeks later he loved me, and asked me if i loved him? I responded by saying Who said anything about love, he was upset and didn't talk to me for 3 weeks, I saw him with another female coming out of the family home, so i ignored him and tried not to let it bother me even though i was devasted.
I had started a new job, and i saw him walking his dog, so i pulled over and asked how have you been? I had thought hard about that question he asked me Do you love me?? I told him i don't do the relationship thing well, he stated he doesn't do go at all, but asked me if i wanted to try?? I said ok. My FWB was now my boyfriend and it was great for a long time, until he went back to his wife. We saw each other all last year, I don't know why but i was content with what he gave me one magical night a week and talking to him on the phone everday. I was in love with my friend, my lover and confidante.
Last year right before Valentine's Day my boyfriend gave a diamond ring, It messed me up mentally for a long time,( why would a married man give a single woman a diamond ring ??, he also gave me the circle of love necklace.) He stated it was for the "Sparkle in his eye,"
He told me his was in love with and then a month later went back to his wife. I have since learned many things about this man. One of them being he has a zipper controll problem, and can never be committed to any one woman. We have spoke in quite some time, he hurt really bad, when i said the necklace and ring ment nothing, and he didn't love me or miss me. Ok, so why did he give me those gifts if it ment nothing??
Reply
 
avatar
goodguy82 responded:
To men. Gifts to women = money, and money easy come easy go. So it's not like you never given him anything (the benefits) sounds like he was paying you back some. To most men sex and love go hand and hand, as well most will love more than just one woman at a time. But not the same way it will never be the same kind of love. Your doing what he wants thinking about him, thats is all it takes for him to comeback in to your life as a friend with benefits.
 
avatar
Elle0317 responded:
It means he wants to keep you on the back burner for whenever he decides to see you again. He does not love you, he loves having sex with you and giving you things is his way of paying you so that you will be available to him for sex on his terms.

It all comes down to the zipper control problem you mentioned. Drop him, like, yesterday.
 
avatar
Ann_1812 replied to Elle0317's response:
Thanks for responding to my story. I had often thought that it was the sex he was in love with and not me the woman, He once did have me on the back burner but not any more, i cant do it and don't do it well. We have since said our goodbyes, but however there are those that feel he will want to come back, that he won't be able to stay away. My problem was i wanted so much to believe that he is good, and not about being a skillful game player or a seducer of women. This man is use to having women cater to him and is spoiled. What kind of a woman in your opinion would support a man knowing, that he is a Cheat?? This man messes around on his wife when ever the oppertunity presents it self, and some of the stories he tells her our so out rageous, she just looks the other way. Not me can't do it or the back burner.
 
avatar
goodguy82 replied to Ann_1812's response:
If he was a skillful game player he would never stop his games, in other words he can't change who he is. I use to always want to see the good in people first like you, but now I only look for the bad first and the good later. Use what happened to be smarter next time you meet one.
 
avatar
Ann_1812 replied to goodguy82's response:
thank you for your advise. It has been hard for me, I really loved this man, He just tossed me aside as though i ment nothing to him. I broke down Sat. and called him, Just to say hello and asked him how he has been, it had been about 10 days. How could he tell me loved me and make me feel like i was actually something to him? Now i am wondering if even really loved me. Some tried to warn me about how he was before i got involed, but so many others thought may goodness about me would want to make him change and be a better man. He once told me he wanted to change but didn't know if he could or how to do it. How could he be so cruel, and make me feel as though i was nothing to him, not even his friend, When i spoke to him he was angry and upset, he just stated he didn't want to go through it with me another year, and he didn't feel like be bothered by me. I asked him if he missed and loved me, he said no none of that i said just like that, he said just like that. I have never been through so much emotional pain before in any other relationship. I wish i could fully understand. Why???
 
avatar
Elle0317 replied to Ann_1812's response:
Sorry to hear you are in alot of emotional pain right now. This pain will fade with time.

He sounds like a very selfish person who doesn't care about anybody but himself. Once his need for a person is gone he simply discards them, like he did with you. This man has serious issues and you should consider yourself a lucky woman that you didn't marry him or have his baby. He would only do to you what he does to his wife. Forget this Tiger Woods wannabe and start living for your own happiness.
 
avatar
Italiano58 replied to Ann_1812's response:
I'm really sorry you had to be put through the emotional pain as you have been, but when this guy made it clear he didn't want a serious relationship, just FWB, he made it as plain as could be what he was looking for. Regardless of his actions along the way, the buying of gifts, the words "i love you" from his mouth, he had and has no intentions of leaving his wife. He is, what most women term those type of men as, "A DOG" He will say, & buy anything to keep women he's involved with around for his sexual needs, till he either finds someone better, or is just tired of the one he's with. You should've been aware of exactly what type of guy this person was, when you said he was upset with you, didn't talk to you for 3 weeks, and during this time, you seen him coming from the family home with another female. His actions obviously show that he is only interested in "booty calls".

As hurt as you may feel, you have to chalk this up as a learning experience, and try to never get yourself involved with an attached man of any sort again.

I feel for you, and do hope you can get past this & find a good man, one who will treat you well, and respect everything about you.
 
avatar
Taximan283 replied to Ann_1812's response:
Hi Ann,

Why? Because he likes having sex with whoever he can. Call it a zipper control problem, or a man who likes to put notches on his belt. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not like him, but I understand men like him very well. I even hate to say this, but I had a cousin like him.

Here's something no one said. A man like him is narcissistic. What's that? It's kinda like being selfish, except it goes beyond selfishness. It's a personality trait, and it usually cannot change. I know of people in their 70's who are still narcissistic. They always will be. A person like this cannot think of how anyone else feels. They pretend to, and if they do, it's only to please themselves. So the moment you become annoying to him, he can say good bye, just like that. He Can Not consider how you feel. He can only see his own feelings. If you observe small children you will see what this is clearly. Children of 6 or less are usually totally narcissistic. They're only concerned with their own feelings. As they mature, this should change. But for some people it never changes. And the why of that is as varied as a person's upbringing can be. So we can't know why this happened with him. We can only see that it did, and what that has done to you. So when he said he loved you, at that moment he was probably feeling a warm closeness to you, which to him is love. But when the feeling changes, so does his love for you. Books have been written on the Narcissistic Personality. Maybe you should read one. Or you can Google it. I think you might want to learn a bit more about it, and how to recognize it early in a relationship, so you aren't hurt by another narcissistic man. Unfortunately, in our me, me, me, culture, narcissism is on the rise. I hear of more and more people like this all the time.

You also asked what kind of woman, would want to keep a man like him. I'm not going to try and completely answer that, because it would take too long. Briefly, it's a woman who lacks self esteem, and a well defined sense of who she is. A woman who gets addicted to a man, and maybe other things too. She's a woman to be felt sorry for. Whether it be compassion, sympathy or pity, although I usually have compassion for them. Because in her own way, his dw is as sick in the head as he is. Her whole identity, and sense of self is dependent on having him in her life. Losing him would mean losing her sense of self, and who she is. So she chooses to stay with him, and she probably even believes him if he tells her there aren't any other women.

Meanwhile he's in bed with every woman who will have him. Ann, consider yourself lucky you got away from this man before it went any further. Learn to spot men like him, and give them a wide berth. Because they will always hurt you.

I wish for you better in the future.
 
avatar
FCL replied to Italiano58's response:
I agree with Italiano58 - he was clear from the start... he only wanted a friend with benefits. The word love does not have the same meaning for all persons. You were one of the women who were filling his needs - that's all.

Chalk it up to a lesson learned. And get yourself tested for the full range of STDs ...
 
avatar
Ann_1812 replied to Italiano58's response:
thank you everyone for responding, sometimes it helps to express my thoughts about what i have been through. He is very selfish, used to tell me he wanted me all for him self. But he knew i deserved to have more than what he could give. We were actually together, as boyfriend and girlfriend, then he went back with his wife, last year in April, i continued to see him, for most of last year, then started back up again in the middle of march, The last time i had sex with him was the Sat before easter. At which time i told him i couldn't afford him, he said i really can't. I lied and wanted to see what he was going to do, So he said go bye, I believe you are right about there being someone else. Because if he truely loved his wife he wouldn't want to cheat on her. He has had 3 different affairs on her over the past 5 years., He has known her for 10yrs, He always sayes it wasn't suppose to happen. He preys on women that are loney and vunerable then uses it to his advantage, not even a remorse of i am sorry for hurting you none of that. Some day some one wonderfurl will come, And love me for me. I feel soooo Stupid, for giving my heart to this man. I have tears in my eyes, Thanks for responding. Love shouldn't heart this bad.
 
avatar
Ann_1812 replied to Elle0317's response:
thank you, I has been a long 2 yrs of going up and down on his emotional yo-yo, I should have realized that he didn't care about me when i had my surgery and he didn't call, i could understand to being able to get away for visit, but he could have called. He really can be cruel and mean, having no regards to anyone's feelings or emotions other than his own. He has heart that women who takes care of him, so many different times, She is a gaurd at that county jail, and he was a prisoner thats how they met. But of course i am the crazy bitch, because i am trying to keep my sanity, his wife itsn't any better than him, i sure she believes what ever lies he told her about me. Well hopefully like you said in time it will get easier. Thanks...
 
avatar
Ann_1812 replied to Taximan283's response:
Thanks taxi man, I never thought of him as being "Narcissitic", I had often thought that perhaps he was bi-polar or had Boarderline personality disorder. I the being it was just fwb, but then we deceided to enter into a relationship. He also said he was just an average joe. He are right about the annoying, thats why he just threw me away. He has done this to many women before me, women have smashed up his car and tried to kill him. He can be really charming and rommantic, used to bring coffee to my car in the morning and called me to say good morning and make sure i was awake, He didn't miss a beat, He loves to go fishing, and i fell hard hook line and sinker. Only bad thing is he is 54 yrs old, still out there playing on womens emotions. making false promises and giving false hopes he really is a "DOG" i should hate him for what he has done, but i don't I feel sorry for him because i don't think he will ever really understand true intimacy and real love. He confuses sex with love. I tried so many times to tell him sex is not love but only a enhassement to the love. To this day i don't think he understands. I should have ended it my self, but by then i felt he had some redeeming qualities as a man. I suppose that his why he able to get so many women. With i rememeber once he said 'its nice to know someone cares.", I can't totally blame him, after perhaps i was a little naive in thinking he could change or what to better than how he had been. Like everyone has said it was truely a learning experince.
 
avatar
Taximan283 replied to Ann_1812's response:
Hey Ann,

I don't think you should hate him. Hate simply eats up the person who's feeling it. It rarely effects the person you hate, unless you start to commit crimes, and then you go to jail. So you lose even worse. So I'm glad you don't hate him. You can feel sorry for him, but make it pity, not sympathy. Don't think you can fix him. You can't. That's the biggest danger in this kind of a relationship. When a nice woman gets to thinking she can fix him somehow. Usually with love. All that does is feed his narcissistic ego, and drives him to greater stunts of immaturity. So go ahead and pity him. Whatever you do, do it from a distance. Don't see him nor speak with him. Especially since he's in his 50's, he's not going to change. With any kind of luck he'll realize how many women he hurt and be sorry for it before he dies. Like maybe on his death bed. But that's for the sake of his soul, not any of you ladies.

So I hope you really did learn a lesson.

Btw, I was once in love with a female version of him. I finally learned. I no longer think I can fix her. Nor do I have any contact with her. It's emotional suicide if I did. I learned the hard way too.
 
avatar
Chevalier747 replied to Elle0317's response:
As a man, I totally agree with Elle's take on this.

Dump this horny chancer and look for something that satisfies your needs rather than his.


Helpful Tips

pain having sex
Try putting a pillow under your hips. Lubricate is important. Good luck More
Was this Helpful?
0 of 0 found this helpful

Related Drug Reviews

  • Drug Name User Reviews

Report Problems to the
Food and Drug Administration

FDAYou are encouraged to report negative side effects of prescription drugs to the FDA. Visit the FDA MedWatch website or call 1-800-FDA-1088.

For more information, visit Dr. Becker-Phelps' website