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Why do I love a married man?
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An_211308 posted:
I work with this guy whom I absolutely adore. He is 7 yrs younger than me and married. We have worked together for yrs and know each other pretty good. Our values and morals are almost exactly the same. Our logic is so similar it is really scary. About five months ago we started having an affair. There is a connection between us that I can not explain. The attraction is off the chart and its both ways. Do not get me wrong he is not a cheater and I know what you must be thinking. For several yrs I teased him because I knew he would not cheat and it was a challenge for me. Well I finally got him and its killing me more now than being rejected did. I told myself after I finally got him just once and we would never do it again. Well it did not work out like that. He really is a great guy and way too good for me. His wife has cheated on him several times but until the last incident he never would. I am open minded and I'm almost certain its just a mental thing for me. I know I really love him. I have just recently been trying to end things between us but its really hard. The reason I did is Im afraid he will divorce her and realize he didn't feel the way he thought he did for me. Having him would be a fairy tale but my prince has another princess. I'm ashamed to admit it but the reason I ended it now is they just had their second baby and I'm scared he will leave her. Why am I so hung up on this guy? What kind of character flaw is it? Do I just like punishing myself and if that's it how do I stop? Our relationship is so much deeper than this. The connection is so real. Our coworkers have told us both they can tell we have strong feelings for each other by the way we look at each other. I need help before I ruin this guys life by not being able to say no. I'm 33 and have been married twice. The first was abusive and the second one developed a drug problem and would not get help. My head is sorta on my shoulders straight. I know people can convince themselves of almost anything so how do I convince myself I do not love him and get over it. Wait, he will always hold the key to my heart without a doubt. I told him once that I thought when everyone was born you were given half a heart. Your heart with have scar and many different features that reflect everything about you from morals, to what you enjoy doing, to values and just everything about you even your attitude. I told him ours was almost a perfect match and you never found that. Less friction in a relationship. How do I let my prince charming go? We have told each other we loved each other 3 yrs ago when he was separated from his wife the first time but after she got done with her boyfriend she wanted him back. He went for his son. I have let him go more than once and he always comes back, I try to resist but never do for long. If you love em let em go. If they love you they will come back and he has. He told me that it literally scared him from how we think alike. When he is acting funny all I have to do is put myself in his spot and I always figure out what is bothering him without him telling me. And he can read me even better than I can him. I am almost sure that sooner or later they will split anyway but not sure if I'll be around because we live in different counties. I truly love him and is it ok to just go for it and let it be his choice. I do love him enough to give up my happily ever after for him and I know I will never find this again in anyone else. It's rare. A guy that works with us tells me all the time we are the same. We love the same. By that I mean we put the other before ourselves. What do I do? I'm getting tired of worrying about everyone else and I'm about ready to try and claim what will complete me like no one else ever will. HELP!!
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jason1022 responded:
I hope I don't hurt you with what I say. I dont believe for one minute this man intends on leaving his wife. I'm telling you this, because the way it sounds when you say that when his wife " got done with her boyfriend" she wanted him back. And he took her back, right. He took her back, because he was waiting on her to come back.

I'm telling you this as a married man. I've never cheated on my wife, and have no desire to in the future, but I know that when you've been married to someone for a while and there are children involved it's not easy to walk away. You have a family depending on you, right now his family is depending on him.

I feel bad for you, because you've fallen in love with a married man, and he's probably running a game on you. He knows how you feel about him so its easy to tell you what you want to hear because he knows you how you feel about him.

Don't set yourself up to be hurt in the long run.
 
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Contemplating19 replied to jason1022's response:
I hope I don't get jumpped on by saying this but...

I don't believe you have ruined or that you are going to ruin his life. Yeah, you were wrong for dating him in the first place, but it's his job to make sure his relationship is respected. Not yours. He overstepped that boundary completely on his on (unless you put a gun to the mans head... which I highly doubt).

I agree with the previous poster that he isn't going to leave his wife. I don't know how long he's been married, but since there are children invovled (one of them being concieved and born while you two were seeing eachother) just shows that he's staying put.

I think you need to protect yourself and leave him alone. I would hate for him to drag you through so much, and when it gets touch he runs back to the warm and safety net of his marriage while you're left out in the cold.
 
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An_211309 replied to jason1022's response:
I see why you say that but I do not want him to leave her. He was their dad first. That's the problem. I am somewhat engaged and a few weeks ago I told him I was gonna marry him, even though I know better, and give him a bay. I do not really love him and I was just saying it more to try and get away from him. He does not have any kids. He was almost in tears, he has always told me he wouldn't leave her cause of the kids. He asked me to marry him when we were 60. But when I told him that about having a baby he asked me to just wait a few months until she started her bitching again and he would leave. I told him NOT to do that. I love him enough to never have him. I could never stand to look into his eyes and see unhappiness because he missed his kids because of me. Call me stupid but this has been going on for about 5 yrs with relations between us beginning in December. I know he cares about me because actions speak louder than words. I am also afraid he is just "in love with me" and that kind of love to me does not last. Its the kind where you like the attention but not the person. I have spent hrs that would add up to weeks trying to figure this out and can not. He is not a selfish man in no way. He's awesome but that's just me. I don't know how to get him to walk away now. Always before he would but the roles have reversed. I can NOT walk away but if he does I love him enough to let him. I am afraid all my feelings are just my insecurities and I have lots of them. Like if he thinks he loves me should it not be his choice and not mine. I am almost positive that if I do not somehow stop this by winter he will leave her. I told him I didn't want him to cause I didn't want that on me. I try not to gripe about not getting to see him much because he does try to please me and I do not want to get him caught. If I get upset and ask to see him, he makes it happen. I'm just putting undue stress on him. I have told him how I felt and he always says it's usually me freaking out like that. I hate to say it but I don't think I'd worry so much if I knew he would not leave her. But then again I literally get nauseous thinking about him being with her intimately. Ain't that ridiculous! I am just one big ball of confused emotion and so is he. We are actually on the same page. He tells me all the time he messed up by going back to her before but I don't want him to have any regrets or ifs. I have never tried to stop him when he does and I believe he wanted me to. Sorta to prove my love for him by fighting for him but I can't because he was hers first regardless of how perfect we may or may not be for each other. I can't put into words way feel because its just that a feeling and you just have to feel it. It's unreal how it feels to perfectly fit with someone. We have both tried to fight this for yrs. We have even changed jobs where we didn't work around each other but we always come back. I know it is very wrong and immoral but their wedding vows were broken yrs ago by his wife. I also know my story must sound like everyone else cause I've researched it trying to convince myself we are not like others stories. We know each other, the good and the bad. He has seen my bad side better than anyone. I am sorry but we just fit. No one anywhere can hate it more than me. I have always said love is just a mental thing that people convince themselves of til I met him. I'm trying so hard to convince myself it's just lust, wanting affection, or anything besides the real thing. I have never been able to forgive men from past relationships for hurting me cause if they loved me they would not do the things they did. It's different with him, I forgive him and do not pull it like a gun in an argument. I have tried so hard to let it go even flirtin with other men but I cant cause I see the hurt in his eyes. Best way to get over one is with another but that isn't workin either.(a theory of mine) He tells me its love and hate. We hate it that we love each other.
 
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jason1022 replied to An_211309's response:
I want you to go back and read what you wrote in regards to my response. You just showed me how this man is playing with your heart and your emotions.

You said that when you mentioned a child he said, "wait till she starts bitching again than I'll leave." Sweetheart why would he have to wait until she starts "bitching." He may tell you he loves you, but believe me he loves his wife.

Don't let him try to fool you. He's told you so many negative things about his wife, but he's with her for more than those kids. He loves her. If he didn't he wouldn't have stayed with her after he told you she's cheated on him so many times. And he wouldn't have had another child with her.

I know you don't want him to leave, but what I'm trying to get through to you is that he doesn't plan on it. He's telling you he wants to leave, but can't man up to his words. He's going to hurt you. Pick up your life from this point forward and take it day by day and erase him from your life.

When you step into someone's marriage you tread on dangerous ground, and he knows it. You sound sincere so I know you feel bad about this whole thing because you know it's wrong. I don't care what anyone says about cheating in a marriage, I myself think it's wrong. Especially when there's kids involved instead of the cheater being man/or woman enough to just walk away from the marriage they allow their children to see the pain they cause.

You can do so much better okay. Trust me I'm a man so I know another man's bs when I see it. And this guy is full of bs.
 
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An_211310 replied to jason1022's response:
Yea I know. I have told myself that if was just for his boy why in the world would he do it again. It was not an accident. He told me well we were not talkin (I was able to stay away for awhile) and I figured I would be with her to raise the other and didn't want him growing up by himself, I thought I might as well. She has wanted another baby for a few years and he always said no. He thought if I make her happy maybe she won't be so hard to get along with. He thought wrong I guess. I've always told him she wasn't as bad as he let on but even others we work with said oh yea she is. He made the monster tho. I don't know. I'll try to stay away and I have for a few days but he's wearing me down. He asked me a couple weeks ago if I wanted him to leave her and I said no. He said well what if I do? I said don't. I'm not worth it. I wonder what it is about me that I put myself into situations like this with him. When I'm not around him I can tell myself no more and almost be convinced. He said he has even does the same. It's so hard cause I know how good we fit. I have talked to him daily for a few yrs. He's the type that has to be told to do something and that it's the right thing to do. His whole family, including his wife, knows about me but the wife doesn't know we work around each other right now. He's really a great guy and everyone likes him. He's not a butthole. His family and friends know we see each other now and they even tell him they're proud of him for finally doing something for himself to make him happy. I'm sorry but I am pretty sure I can convince him to leave. Until the other day he always said he could never leave her cause he could not stand the thought of another man getting to raise his boy. He has even told me, while she was pregnant, he was afraid he wouldn't love the baby cause he regretted it. I know he won't cause he ain't made like that. He's a good dad and loves his kids and his wife uses that against him to get him to come back time after time. When he's told me she asked him to come home I just stop talking to him and don't try and get him not to. We never had relations before either and he didn't want to go back but I never tried to keep him from it. When he told me once I said *****, please don't do this to me and his reply was I don't know what I'm gonna do. Then I let him go, but he always comes back. I am almost positive I could get him to leave her with persuasion but I'm not made like that. It's all on him if he does. My question is why do I do this to myself? I have never been able to put my wants before others, like I'm not worthy. If I put my wants before his wife's, I'm almost sure I could win this time cause he has tried and tried and tried to give her what she wants for her to try and give a little back for him but she never does and I think that's what has changed. He's given up on being able to be happy or even content with her and he knows how much alike we are. I don't know. I need a new job I guess. He told me a few weeks ago when my boyfriend gave me the ring that I'd have to quit my job to be able to stay away from him. He's got a lot of insecurities too and I don't really why he said that. Always before I was chasing him, for a challenge. Cause he always told me I want to but I can't. She has ran him off 3 times for someone else cause he wouldn't agree to another baby until now. He said he told her that she tricked him into having one and she ruined his life. I know he's a grown man tho. Just to let ya know I'm not fat or anything and I get hit on a lot but it's just this one boy. There is something about him cause I don't fall for bs. I know better but whatever make my blood run hot this boy has got a whole lot of it. We are so similar that if it were him on here I could even tell you what he would write. I told him it's not meant to be. I don't know why God put two perfectly matched people on earth and didn't make a way to each other.
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
I know that your situation is painful, and unfortunately there are no 'not painful' answers to it. In my experience (and based on psychological literature that I've read), you don't really know what you have between you while there is another person (in this case, his wife) in the picture. This situation keeps your relationship as, in part, a fantasy. To clarify, I'm not saying that your feelings aren't real-- it's just that there are many factors that keep your relationship from being a full relationship, both in how you are together and how you feel about each other. You cannot have a fully healthy relationship as long as he is married. And, if he leaves his wife for you, it will very likely create issues that will undermine your relationship. So, you are unfortunately in a no-win situation.

For your happiness and his, you need to truly consider leaving this relationship. Not because you are a bad person. Or because he is a bad person. Or because you don't really love him. But because you want to find happiness in your life and release him to find happiness in his (of course, his finding happiness is up to him-- not you). To do this, you will need to stop having contact with him (to the best that you can), not even small keep-in-touch chats or emails; your feelings are too strong to keep those connections small in your heart.

You say that you will 'never find this again.' I don't know whether or not you will, but one thing is for certain: you can't develop a happy, healthy relationship with someone as long as the two of you are together. Given that I'm saying all of this in writing, it's hard to know how you are receiving it. So, let me say that I feel for you-- I'm not saying any of this with harshness in my heart; it's just a harsh reality.

I wish you well in working through this.
 
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chilihot88 responded:
I THINK YOU ARE ACTUALLY TORTURING YOURSELF.YOU HAVE ANALYSED THE SITUATION AND KNOW THAT THIS CANNOT WORK ...BETWEEN THE BOTH OF YOU YOU'RE MESSSING UP YOUR LIFE HIS LIFE,YOUR FIANCE'S LIFE HIS WIFE,'S LIFE AND MOST IMPORTANT THE KIDS....MOST OF THESE LIVES YOU ARE RUINING ARE THOSE OF PERSONS WHO DO NOT DESERVE IT....BOTH OF YOU ARE VERY SELFISH INDIVIDUALS ...STOP IT!!!!!!!
 
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jason1022 replied to An_211310's response:
I am responding to you everytime you write back, because I have two daughters of my own. My oldest daughter AnneMarie is 10, and I dread the day she starts to notice boys. Being a man I know all the tricks that men pull. That's why I trying to talk to you so you can understand this game this man is playing with you is known.

Many men have played this same game, and like him some are still playing it. Do not ever think you will win over his wife, because you wont. There is a reason he married her, and a reason he's staying with her despite all the negative things he's told you about her.

And, that's another thing no good man will talk so negative of his wife to his mistress. You said yourselt she doesn't seem all that bad. She's not too bad because, he's still there. And to be frank you probably should check into her many affairs that he speaks of. Remember he's telling this to you, so you really don't know if he's truly telling the truth or not.

Also stop letting everyone at your job know your business. You never know what they are saying to each other. They may tell you they agree with what you're doing, and may be going for your job in the process. Some businesses frown upon this sort of thing. It doesn't look professional. It gives off the "the business man screwing his secretary" look.

Be careful because you're treading dangerous grounds. Get away from this guy, because I don't see anything good coming from this. I've seen this so many times so I know what's likely to happen. So I'm telling you because, no one is perfect and we all make mistakes. We will make them until the day we die, just don't dig a hole for yourself.

You have doubts yourself or you wouldn't have posted, that's your sign of what to do. God is trying to knock at your door to help you before you fall.

Answer the door.
 
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LouiseinNJ responded:
Get a new job. NOW! Get away yourself away from a temptation you can't help but pursue.

You can probably get him to leave his wife - for a while. But he's got two little kids! The wife needs him to be a co-parent, to be there at night when the kids are crying, in the morning when getting ready for the day, to be there to be the Daddy *which he is.* She wil lconstantly be calling on him. You are insecure about him, so you will have fights.

Eventually he will go back to her. If he doesn't, you will STILL never be satisfied that he isn't interested in her. And how are you going to feel when he goes to his old house to visit his kids and ends up having sex with his wife?

All of your feelings for each other can pass. His relationship with those children - the fact that he is their dad - never will.

Make yourself proud of yourself. Break it off with him.

You've learned that you have a heart big enough to have a grand passion. There will be someone else you find that meshes with you, and you will fall in love again. That's because there isn't ONE key to your heart - there are as many as there are people you fall in love with. Remember how you felt about about your early loves? And how you feel about them now?

You will feel that way about this man.

You know what? Your happiness with this guy is not worth the destruction of those two innocent children's lives. Would you kill these kids if it meant you would stay with him, your Prince Charming, forever? NO! So put down the fairy tale and be the grown-up.

GET ANOTHER JOB. Start looking IMMEDIATELY.
 
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Militam replied to jason1022's response:
First of all Adultery is against bible principle altogether....I found myself in a similar relationship back in 1985 which lasted for 7-8 years until I finally realized it was a fantasy, and a dead end street and it was hurting innocent people, especially children. His wife caught us in the park, and I did not have the encourage to face her, she was right and I was wrong...I, mysellf, also adored this man, he was my hero, part of my breathing...my "ANGEL" but also my impossible love. I never expected for him to leave his family, but he did mention buying me a home and for me to move in with my kids. I had just gotten divorced and I think this was the reason why I got involved with this "Angel". Our love was real but not feasible. I was depressed and needed somebody and he was accessible. He had been after me for years and he admitted it. His mother in law lived across from me, and we were friends...and he fixedly looked at me every day while sitting at my porch...Even though I loved him to death, I let him go and found somebody who was unattached...that relationship did not last but at least, I got over the married one...and to this day, I STILL LOVE HIM TO DEATH BUT I LET HIM LOSE....and I am glad that by our breaking up, it reinforced his marriage and things got back to normal between them..and I thank GOD for that...I re-married after that but I could never find my "ANGEL" in anyone else....so I was divorced not long after that....so now I remain alone...GOD directed me the right way...
 
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An_211311 replied to LouiseinNJ's response:
I don't know about a new job, but some counseling sounds like it is in order. Your first two serious relationships were very bad, so this was and IS safe. It seems to me that you do not actually believe that you deserve to be happy and so you chased a dream. Once you caught it, you enjoyed it for a while, but now that you think you have it, you are beating yourself for trying to BE happy.
There are lots of good single men out there looking for a woman. There are a lot of cheaters too.
Be aware that the gentleman is right. He is not going to leave his wife and your relationship is just a diversion for him. Take responsibility for yourself and even more convince yourself that you deserve the best and lose him. It will be very hard to break off as long as you are in the same office though.