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Trusting someone who lied
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flutterbymama2be posted:
I recently found out my BF of a year and 7 months had a profile on an adult web site looking for a friend with benefits, one nighter, or something like that. Needless to say, I was furious. This is not the first time he has done this. The first time, he said it was for us because he is not as experienced as I am, and he was looking for tips and pointers to use with me. My first thought was: the easiest way to know what will please me....ask ME!
Well, this time around, he said he was using it as an escape. He has a lot on his plate, a high stress job, works a ton of overtime, among other stress. I understand and empathize that he has the weight of the world on his shoulders, and I do my best to help him in any way I can. I am supportive, I take care of most matters at home, and I am no where close to frigid. I have a much higher libido than he does, which causes a few problems, but I try my best to be patient through the week because I know he is so tired and stressed. I just feel like I should be able to voice what I want also. He is not the only one in our relationship, so my needs matter too.
Basically, to make a long story a little shorter: He and I were together in a long distance relationship for a year. I moved 850 miles from home to be with him in September 09. I am now pregnant with his child. I love him with all of my heart, and I know he loves me. Most things considered, he is better to me than anyone ever has. Yes, we have problems like anyone else, we need improvement in a couple areas, and we are working toward that. I don't want to leave because I love that man more than I can tell you, and we have a love worth fighting for, not to mention our child on the way. So, that being said, how do I get over the things running rampant in my head? How do I shake the feeling that he is hiding something else? How do I stop the hurt and the anger and try to rebuild my trust for him? I actually drove out to a place he was supposed to be the other day just to check and see if he was really there. Who does that!?!?! I am ashamed of my behavior, and I don't want the trust issues to destroy what he and I are working so hard to make work. I know it is hard to make a call on just little information, but can anyone offer any advice, please?
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An_211873 responded:
The only person who should be ashamed of their behaviour is your SO. Being understanding of your BF's stressful job and life is one thing, but being pregnant, neglected, and screwed around on is another. You don't need to stand for being walked on, simply because you are with-child. Stand up for yourself and let him know that it's either you or some internet hoe-bag on the side. If he tries to guilt you and say that he's doing this for you, or because his job is too demanding ( wah wah wah ), then it's time to shake your head, tell him to grow up, and move on, because the only person he's thinking of is himself, and not the love of his life, or the baby growing inside of you.

If you are hell bent on making it work, I suggest a serious couples councellor. Things like this just don't go away, and men that 'look outside the nest ' are prone to re-offend in the same manner unless they get some help.

Good luck, keep us updated.
 
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flutterbymama2be replied to An_211873's response:
Thank you... your validation helped to make me feel a bit better.I have to agree with you though, there are many many times when I feel like our relationship is all about him. I have voiced this to him on more than one occasion. Also, I am not staying just for the baby, I am worth more than a man who is going to treat me like crap, and if our child and I mean anything to him, he needs to straighten up. I couldn't agree with you more about the couples counseling, I am begging for that now.

I did forget to mention in my original post, he has not been with anyone in real life. I know this because I can pretty much account for where he is 24/7 and he ALWAYS comes home to me, with no exceptions. He just talked to them, as far as I know. So, I don't feel like he cheated exactly, but he betrayed me, he lied (he promised the first time that it would never happen again), and he knows better than anyone that trust is my weak spot due to my past. So, it may as well have been cheating. I want so badly to go through his phone and computer to find out more, but I feel that is going way overboard.
 
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An_211874 replied to flutterbymama2be's response:
I'm happy you responded to my post. I do have a few further points to make.

" I am begging for that now." - Why are you begging? Couples councelling should be what he is begging you to do to save the relationship. If he's not willing to do it - you have your answer and you shouldn't have to fight over whether or not to get him/you help.

"He just talked to them" - So? The last I heard, that's still an emotional affair. Who knows what he has told these woman or what he PLANS to do with these woman? There are a lot of ways to sneak around without your SO knowing, and you'd be surprised that no matter how close of tabs you are keeping, it still happens. In my opinion, he's already done it. It doesn't matter if he's gone out and actually done it - he wants to. That's not love. That's not a relationship. That's someone who is not wanting to commit. You have all the answers right in front of you. He lied. He chated. The trust is broken. He's done this BEFORE this incident, and I'm sorry to be so harsh, doll, but it will continue to happen, because as they say ' Once a cheater, always a cheater '.

"I want so badly to go through his phone and computer to find out more, but I feel that is going way overboard. " You're right. It IS overboard. And the saddest part of that sentance is that you feel that this is what you have to do in order to feel better about your relationship. You don't even have to look to know what's there, chickie. I know that's tough to hear, but I'm not sure you want to know what exactly IS on there, so maybe it's best you don't. If you do decide to look around - let him know. Be open about your feelings and fears and if he still scoffs at them and tries to turn the tables around on you ( which it sounds like he has ), walk away. If you are worth anything to him, things will work out in their own way, but this is obviously putting you through hell and back, and as a pregnant glowing beautiful young woman - you deserve to be enjoying this time in your life more than ever. Don't let some jerk who doesn't value your happiness wreck that/ take that away from you. Remember always : YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY AND TREATED WITH RESPECT. Everybody deserves to love and be loved.

Hope this helps a bit.

Take care, and again, keep us updated.
 
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flutterbymama2be replied to An_211874's response:
Thank you again, you are very insightful, and I appreciate your honesty.

Reading your response is just waking me up to the fact that I am buying in to his excuses because I love him. I need to be tougher on him. Here I feel like I am doing something wrong, when he is the one who caused this awful situation. I need to demand what I deserve, and like you said if he is not willing to or he scoffs at me, I need to take it for what it really is, that he doesn't value me.

I try so hard to be sweet and understanding, to be forgiving and loving. That is starting to turn me in to a doormat.
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to flutterbymama2be's response:
It seems I am coming in on this discussion after you've gotten much of what you need, but I want to support your decision to stand up for what you want. For your relationship to be truly good, he needs to get that you are unhappy with his behavior, care about that, and be willing to work with you to improve things. Given what you've share, it does sound like couples counseling would be helpful. It's not unusual for one person to be more unhappy in a relationship; or for that person to be dragging the other person into therapy-- while that's certainly not a great situation, it does not spell doom for the relationship either. Hopefully, a therapist can help you to get really get through to him and motivate him to work with you on things.

I wish you well with your relationship and your pregnancy.
 
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isabellin responded:
LET HIM BE BY HIMSELF AND FIND SOMEONE YOU CAN TRUST IS NOT WORTH IT DEALING WITH THIS TYPE OF THINGS
 
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Itsbafflesme replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
I was just reading what you said about "he needs to know that you are unhappy with his behavior" but how do you get this across to a man that is not very willing to hear it or looks at your feelings as they are excuses or means to an agrument. I went through the exact problem as flutterbymama2be and it was not easy and his excuse was that I was pushing him away because I was pregnant and had no sexual desire. We tried counseling and he was not serious about it so we stopped going. I am too very unhappy with the way my relationship is going and sometimes feel like I am stuck. We have two kids together and I think I stay strong because of them. I too moved to be closer to him, give up a good job and moved further away from loved ones to be with him and I am not sure he understands that sacrifice. I am not sure how to talk to him about my feelings anymore cause he automatically thinks I am trying to pick a fight with him.
 
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countrygirlz69 replied to flutterbymama2be's response:
It looks as though I am also late on this one but I just posted a very similiar story yesterday about my boyfriend.. Its weird because Its a very similiar scenario and my big thing is the fact that I was so shocked when i come across it on my laptops that even having a very healthy fun hot sex life of 2-3x a day He could actually be looking at porn..Wow it blew up in his face and quite frankly I missed my calling should of been a P.I. but anyways same thing he seen how deep the hurt & he never was going w2 do it again..well then another time i caught him w/actual movies and he ordered them on payview and the bill being in my name well duh...then same thing i thought it was going good I started feeling like i didnt have to check my computer all the time..well he got a new cell & left it at home when he went to work so I thought i would take a nice pix of my self for him and I started to come across one of the same sites he used on my laptop and he had only had the phone a couple weeks. So here we are today because that was only a few days ago and he basically cant be trusted and even though I missed the calling thing..We shouldnt have to live our lives like that and I am like you...TRUST is a big one in my world and I thought we were on the same page but I feel like I am being a fool because I keep trying to understand why or maybe even try to rebuild then bam. Something else & I would of really not put him in the cheatin/lying catagory but and I guess my pride is also a factor because I know I am better then this and he never even once gave me the feeling like he wanted to watch porn..not a prude here if it was the right situation I might of watched w/him not because I like them but just b cause..Thats what my question is to this website and that is "WHY DO MEN HAVE THIS NEED TO WATCH PORN ALONE OR SNEAK IT AND LIE? I know more then one person going thru this with someone..Iam so fed up I thought about getting rid of my internet but then why should my daughters and I go without because he has a problem and something else being left out is your child .I dont have that factor and that becomes mommas 1st priority. How is this stress, and crap going to affect his/her world ? I am thinking that if we have on more then one occasion have to catch them in a lie .Maybe we both either need to wake up and deal w/it or accept it but I think i would always feel like he was thinking of that or them while he was with me..men seem to really start acting stupid once you become fertile myrtle having his turtle ..its almost like he knows he can do whatever..your not going nowhere..huh? Well we both have to figure it out and I hope it all goes or has gone better for you ..good luck
 
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An_211875 replied to countrygirlz69's response:
If all your man is doing is looking at porn, what is the harm? If it was child port, yes, disgusting and illegal. If it's adult porn, is it man/woman, man/man, woman/woman? What kind? Have you ever suggested you watch it together? Maybe its something that gets him off? My husband and I watch porn together. I am a member of Adam & Eve Adult Entertainment and receive mailings from them for things to order. I have quite a collection. We go through the catalog together and decide what we want to try. I'm not saying it's right that they are lying or hiding it, but instead of getting angry at them, join them! You may find you like it too!! Anyway, my two sense is out there. Good luck to you all.
 
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veryinquisitive replied to countrygirlz69's response:
I agree with ANON_33684's reply. Why does it bother you that he watches porn. I'd be more afraid that your kids might happen upon one of these websites than worry about him watching porn.

Have you tried talking to him about why he likes it? Ask if there's something that he likes sexually that you might try together. Is he neglecting you sexually because he enjoys the porn better? You need to know the "WHY" before making any judgement. I've enjoyed watching/getting turned on by porn since my teenage years when someone snuck the 8MM films from his father & all our group (couples) got together to watch them. I've even watched w/my brother, his friends, my SO & everyone's taken a part @ their own funny lines instead of the actual vocals in the film. It can be hilarious as long as your comfortable watching w/mixed company. I watch it now as a way to help w/masterbation when my FWB isn't available.

Good luck to you!
 
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georgiagail replied to An_211875's response:
Men look at women (either clothed or naked) because men produce testosterone and this drives them to look. Male animals do the same thing with their female counterparts.

One can stop a male from doing this by surgically removing their testicles so they no longer produce this particular hormone.

Women who feel they must play PI monitoring their partners computers are fools.

There's a big difference between looking at porn and placing an ad for a one night stand.

Gail
 
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handsomelake replied to georgiagail's response:
This same thing happened to me just recently and has happened in the past. I broke up with my boyfriend and he realized how important it was to me. I want to be with him so I am staying with him for now but evaluating my feelings and figuring out if I want to be in this relaitonship and what to expect. We have had so many problems sexually that I deem it unfair that he can look at it. He had ED I waited two years with minimal sex. Now I have sexual disfunctions I cannot orgasm and becoming aroused is difficult.

While I am over here being completely dedicated. I didn't know what to think and I kept wondering why? I get hit on all the time when I am alone and out . I know that it is not that I am unattractive. Why does he look? I think they get tired of looking at the same body. They want variety. Since they are supposedly dedicated to us then they know they can't really have variety , so the next best thing is to look online. See my problem is that they are mentally doing things with other women... I kept asking if there was anything I could do? I even gave him home made porn and offered to make more anytime whatever he wanted. He only looked at that stuff a few times and never took me up on my offer or brought it up even after i had on many occasions. That means he is not interested in it. WHY?? I have nooo idea. Sometimes I wonder if I should be with someonelse. I found that he had a subscription and even donated money to a porn site! wow. Maybe it is simple the thing is we don't know what it means to them and obviously can't trust them to tell us. Maybe it is meaningless detatched physical needs. Five minutes to get off. I don't know... We need some guys to post up here. QUESTION FOR GUYS: Why would a guy need to look at porn if he was in a happy relationship and loved his girl. It could be many things.

I feel ya..... What should we do?? If we dont like it we dont. we cannot help that we feel that way.
 
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lowerextremitiesfetish replied to georgiagail's response:
Thank god there is somebody with their head on straight. If you wanted the truth from him "How would you take it, and would you be willing to understand, plus you can't be everything to a man, and he doesn't want you in every portion of his life"., "Hell as long as he isn't touching, and bringing you any surprises home, and he still can give you the love, and affection you need from him then what is the problem"?. Maybe the problem is in you, and how secure you are with yourself. Co-exsistence find the true meaning Anon. I have a wife who is co-dependent, and it all realtes to her being abused, but why should I suffer from others transgressions towards her if my sex life is healthy, and I am secure with who I am as human being. "Oh you are affraid he might be fantasizing about another while he is with you" lol. "If your relationship is solid, there is nothing to come between you both". "And that's all I have to say about that" (Forrest Gump).
 
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Sweetpea0916 replied to georgiagail's response:
I used to be flutterbymama2be, I left WebMD due to an issue on another board, but I had to respond to this.

I agree with you Gail. It is natural for a man to LOOK at other women. I look at other attractive men, I'd be a hypocrite to be upset about him doing it. It is natural for people to even fantasize about the opposite sex from time to time. There is a HUGE difference between posting an ad for discreet sex and looking at porn.

I am uncomfortable with the idea that my man looks at porn, but I know that's just the way it is. I do not monitor it, I try not to think about it. It would drive me crazy if I tried to go all PI on him. It makes me uncomfortable because of MY insecurities that I think he desires them more, I will NEVER look as good as they do. That is my problem, not his.

So, I think being all worried about porn is a bit petty. If you need to be in that much control over him, you have bigger problems than porn. Now when it crosses in to speaking to other people and possibly planning a one night stand, THAT is a problem.


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