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RE: Realistic?
SydnyG posted:
After 16 years of "marriage", I have finally decided to file for divorce. It never was "good", even at our wedding, he fell into a drunken stupor, and never woke up til the next day. I should have known then! As a professional person, and he as a vice policeman, there was never any communication between us. He would not share anything about work, and his only concern was no communication. About 10 years into our marriage, I already knew he didn't have a clue what fidelity was, and challenged with questions, he vehemently denied anything and everything. I was diagnosed with MS, and he told me he wouldn't take care of came first. After having to give up my job, I traveled out of the country to find the next cure for MS, and returning 3 months later, my house, which I built for my husband, had been taken over by a woman who took care of my husband during my absence. I thought that was quaint seeing he would not even touch me....hold me, kiss me, make love, etc for years........and here were the candles, the perfume smells, the sheets and towels folded differently. He vehemently denied everything. He took all the money from the joint accounts and put everything in his name, and the court had to order him to pay me a monthly alimoney.

That's just a scratch on the surface of the pain, suffering, anguish, loss, betrayl, and every other word associated with repulse, I've endured. Now, in the waning years of my life, I am going to try over there a man who would ever want a diseased woman who has an incurable disease, plus who was given HVP by her husband? No one would step forward, so I feel what little time I have left, I will never feel the loving arms of a man who would love me, would hold me, kiss me, and never think of infidelity. Am I being realistic?
An_212793 responded:
I wish you would have woken up earlier, instead of 16 years later. But what's done is done. It's time to live the rest of your life.

No, you are not being realistic. There are many wonderful men out there. Even men with the same illnesses you have who would love a woman like you. A woman who won't make them feel ashamed of themselves, and will understand them because they are going through the same exact thing.

You have been in an abusive relationship for a very long time. You must start your detoxification process...............this abuser has poisoned your mind and your heart. He has destroyed your self-esteem, and completely degraded you to the point where you think there is no other man out there for you.

Remember there is no expiration date on anyone...........and your life was not all about this abuser. Your life has a greater meaning and you have many more things to do and many more moments to live. You must continue to share your experiences and let others learn from WILL find a caring, understanding, and respectful man. Don't set your hopes up for a perfect man, there is no such thing as a perfect human nor woman.

You can meet people online, or at social clubs or events. You just have to think positively, and WANT to do these things.

The mind is a powerful weapon. Don't give the power of your mind to anyone nor let anyone cloud and fill your mind with darkness. Don't let anyone use your best weapon against you. It is time to live YOUR life and not someone else's. Stay surrounded by people who care, respect, and understand you. You are not only a Wife, you are an INDIVIDUAL human being. You seem to have lost your individuality and identity somewhere along the way.

There are many of us who only want the best for you. :) Good night and see you later.
SydnyG replied to An_212793's response:
Thank you for taking the time to reflect on my letter. It was an awesome, eye-opening reminder that even though I had tried hard, but failed, in my marriage, he will have to be responsible for carrying his psychological abuse personality around his shoulders for the rest of his life.

Again, my appreciation for your thoughts, and how you clearly responded to my sadness. I would look forward to hearing from you later, and wishing you also a very good night!
Mensch59 responded:
You speak of the need for a "man". The man you need is HUman. Even if you live in a remote area, a simple GOOGLE search for MS support will bring you to a world of people just like you. 20 years ago, finding people like yourself was much harder.
Find discussions just like this but in your specific interests and learn what life is supposed to be. Find people who will support and encourage you but stay away from those still whining about their life and want to drag you down to their depths of depression. Stay positive and associate with positive people and you will stop using language like "diseased woman" and "waning years".
No, I do not have or know anyone with MS (I have my own dramas) but the cast of characters in most support groups online and in real life are the same. Just get out there and LIVE and you can know joys you missed before.
Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
Wow. You have been, and are going through, so much. I can see why you fear that you will never meet a good man-- how you can feel so pulled down by what you've suffered and by what you've been left with. BUT, feeling hopeless about finding a loving relationship-- or having a good life-- does not make these things impossible.

As you heal (a path I hope you are on), learn to feel better about yourself, and rediscover things you enjoy in life (I'm imagining you are struggling with these things), you will find happiness. Along these lines, please remember, you are more than the pain and suffering you have endured (and continue to)-- you have goodness to offer yourself and others. So as you find happiness, you will also find people who will want to be a part of your life in a healthy way; and that a good man would be blessed (and feel honored) to have you in his life.
An_212794 replied to SydnyG's response:
You are very welcome SydnyG :) .

How are you feeling? Are you two officially divorced?

I must tell you, this man doesn't have a conscience. I mean, the things that he has done to you............this will all come back to him one day. What goes around comes around, and he is certainly no exception. And he's got another thing coming if he honestly thinks he will never suffer from any serious illness his entire life. One day, he will remember everything he did to you. And you are right, he has to live with himself and you don't, thank goodness for that. You run from him as far as you can. Remember, out of sight out of mind.

You did not fail in your marriage, he was the failure You did everything you could, everything else is out of your hands. The only life you can change for the better is your own.

I feel sorry for his current woman, she will see who he truly is eventually. Sadly, now it's her turn to suffer. And now it's time for you to start a new, fulfilling, and meaningful chapter in your life, a chapter all about Sydny and her fresh new life........... discovering who she is and what her new goals are.

You are not a victim anymore. You must step out of that mentality he has put you in. You are a strong and beautiful woman...............who is capable of doing so much better and so much more with her life. A woman who has a wonderful heart and is capable of loving and giving so much.

I look forward to hearing from you again as well. It was a pleasure reading your response. Nighty night..........see you later and take good care of yourself :) .
SydnyG replied to An_212794's response:
To My Very Insightful Friends: Anon, Mensch, and Dr. Becker-Phelps:

It has been a whirlwind of positivity in the last week reading your wonderfully helpful notes. There was a time when I didn't know I had any friends, and now, out of the blue, I have folks who not only understand more of what has happened to me than I have ever understood of myself!

Thank you very much for sharing your expertise, and reminding me that I can function for myself if released from this psychological bondage. That will happen at the beginning of August, and I am hoping my attorney will ask for a Restraining Order for him to discontinue the phone tapping and keylogging of my computers. Yes, this is his way of control also, so I never have any privacy.

I am looking forward to getting my motorhome, and driving to see the beauty of this land. Your letters I will keep, and when I feel lonely or sad, I should sit right down and read them all. You've told it straight from the heart, and your words are very strong.

My deep appreciation is extended to you, and please know how grateful I am to have you take the time to express your thoughts and feelings to me. I promise to heed your words!

Kind Regards,
Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to SydnyG's response:
You are most welcome. I wish you well. And, please remember that this community is here whenever you need it.

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