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    My husband and I
    darklilly posted:
    are thinking about adding new partners into our relationship can anyone give me any tips for doing this anything would be helpful.
    fcl responded:
    Define the ground rules first. Things like who gets to do what with the other person, whether penetration will be allowed, whether you will see the other person in other dicrcumstances, whether you can see that person alone, use of condoms, etc. Decide who this pershon shall be - someone you know, someone found by an ad, a professional, etc. Discuss what your expectations are from the addition of a third party to your couple - is it to be purely sexual, what will you do if one of you falls for this person, how will you deal with jealousy/emotionl fallout if it happens, etc.

    Above all, be absolutely sure that both of you are quite decided that this is what you want. There's too much at stake to take a step like this lightly.
    darklilly replied to fcl's response:
    We have talked about it and decided that we can be only with people who we have built a friendship with so that we know that the other person isn't in it only for the sex. The other person or people must know that we are married it should not be only sexual.If one of us falls in love with someone else then we are going to talk about it and their going to have to decide which they love more and then they can decide who they want to be with. But no matter what happens we have decided to be friends and be civil because we have 2 kids.

    Thank you for your advise.
    fcl replied to darklilly's response:
    Let us know how things go, will you?

    Can I ask what made you reach such a decision (this is just curiosity)?
    isabellin responded:
    omg!!! its a risk that you are taking cause you know when you like 2ppl is hard to choose and i dont think is a good idea to add a person and a person that both of you know specially i wont do come you just dont try new thing with your husband instead of adding "a problem" to your merriage.... think about it millions of times....

    darklilly replied to fcl's response:
    The thing that started all this was i wanted to try new thing in bed but he's not interested because he's afraid that he will hurt me so he started looking up diff things and found something called polyamory i cant explain it very easily so if you want to know more you can google it
    darklilly replied to isabellin's response:
    thank you for your input isabllen but we have been thinking about this for about a year and this is the only solution that either one of us can find that we both agree on.
    isabellin replied to darklilly's response:
    men yes i know you both been thinking about it fo a year but this doesnt mean those problems are not going to happen...when you said "this is the only solution" you mean to save your merriage? and when you said that your husband will try new things but his afraid he'll hurt you what kind of things he wants to try? men!!!! do you still LOVE eachother? (curiosity?
    darklilly replied to isabellin's response:
    yes we still love each other very much we are just having a lot of problems in bed and we both need someone to talk to other than each other because i'm a stay at home mom and i don't get out but maybe once a month (don't get me wrong he tries to take me out its just he works a lot and hes in school) the only way I get to talk to people is on my comp and we get so stressed out because neither one of us are happy with our sex life because we both want diff things when i ask him what he wants he just tells me he wants the same thing as usual but he never seams to be happy with it where as i want to do diff things all the time but he doesn't so we're at a deadlock on what should be done and we have looked into other things but cant find anything else that we can agree on.
    Schmaylan replied to darklilly's response:
    I need some clarification please...

    You say this is the only option so Im assuming you have exhausted all other resources ie counseling, sex toys, sex videos, and clearly communicating with your spouse what you want, am I correct?

    Also, you say he wants sex "the same as always" but then isn't happy with it.. Is it him initiating it, is it always the same position, what? Perhaps you could try to take more control or initiate the things you want.

    Speaking of what you want, what exactly do you want? And why is he afraid he will hurt you? Lets just suffice to say I have done pretty crazy, adventerous things in my sex life and have never been hurt...

    I think there are underlying issues here. I feel confident with counseling and effort from both parties you could be happy without adding what undoubtedly will cause only more problems for you.. I dont believe couples problems can only be limited to the bedroom. Relationships are so intricate and entwined that every part is affected.. You will regret this in some way or another... Not judging just trying to inform...
    Schmaylan replied to Schmaylan's response:
    Also Im concerned about your comment

    We have talked about it and decided that we can be only with people who we have built a friendship with so that we know that the other person isn't in it only for the sex

    If you were only having problems in the bedroom you would want some one who was only in it for the sex. By choosing someone to be more than that is definitely going to be detrimental. Spouses are supposed to be your lover and best friend, so if you are adding some one that will be not only your bed buddy but a confidant why be married?

    You have children, how old are they? This will affect them too. How do you plan to explain your arrangement to them...
    darklilly replied to Schmaylan's response:
    yes we have used toys, videos, counseling,and i tell him exactly what i want.

    no i'm the one that has to make the first move yes it is the same position every time.

    I like things a lil kinky like being strangled and things of that nature but he doesn't want to do that I ask him all the time what he would like. I even try to give him diff ideas like diff positions or new places but he always turns me down. Even just a new position would be nice.

    We talk all the time about things because we have been to counseling and he gave us some tips on how to express what we want out of our relationship and we want the same things except when it comes to the bed room and we both need someone else to talk to other than each other.
    fcl replied to darklilly's response:
    I don't want to offend you but ... bringing in new people to your couple is the sort of thing you should only try if you are both REALLY happy about and rREALLY keen on the idea. This doesn't seem to be your case. It sounds as if you think that this will solve a problem (or several). It's more likely that this will aggravate the situation.

    Can I ask a few questions/make a suggestion first? Before you go ahead with your plan?

    Why do you not get out more? It is imperative for you to do so. Do you have any "me" time or do you always have your child(ren) with you? If so, can you get someone to take care of them for you occasionally (make an exchange with another mother who lives locally, maybe?)? Do you take your children to places where you can meet other women in the same situation?

    When I was at home with my baby twins, my partner would come home in the evening and "release" me for an hour. I made sure the girls were fed, bathed and happy so that he got an hour of pure quality time with them and I got to vanish for an hour. I doubt I would have survived otherwise .

    Suggestion - go get a pair of books ... the "how to make love to a woman/man" type of thing. You take the one about making love to a woman and he gets the one about making love to a man. You both go through them and highlight the things that you would like to do. Then you swap the books and start to work on them. You decide on the number of times per week and the first time you get to choose what you do to him from the things he picked out. The next time he gets to choose. He may just simply be lacking in inspiration ...

    Also, do everything in your power to have a date night once a week. You NEED to do this to reconnect. You don't have to go out, just make sure the children are in bed early and then you have a nice dinner together, maybe a movie and then on to your homework .

    How old are you and how old are your children if you don't mind me asking?
    darklilly replied to Schmaylan's response:
    Yes, My husband is my best friend and I his but we both need someone else to talk to that can be their but not really be there someone with an out side view. And my kids are 2&3 the way we plan to explain things to then when they are a bit older is that mommy and daddy need some time to be with friends. Thank you for your advise and I understand what your saying.
    darklilly replied to fcl's response:
    and by the way i'm 22 and my husband is 29.

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