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I think love my s.o. too much
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booyas posted:
I need help.

Back when I was single, the only people I needed were people who needed me just as much. Everything felt secure and I didn't worry about getting burned.

But now I'm in a relationship and everything seems to have changed.
We have been together almost 9 months now. She's 23 and has had relationships before me. I'm 22 and this is my first real relationship. For about the first 6 months, we used to see each other at least 6 days a week and for most of the day (mainly because of school). Everything felt fine to me. Then all of sudden we only meet each other once or twice a week for a few hours at a time for the past 2-3 months. It's because she has been getting tired of me.

So for the last 2-3 months, I've been trying to get used to the way things are now, but I just can't. It feels like I love her too much. It has gotten to a point where I have become emotionally needy. I don't want to feel this way, but I can't help it. Our needs are completely unbalanced. I feel like I need her so much and this scares the crap outta me because I really don't know if she even needs me.

Sometimes, I wonder if I should break up with her. Here's my irrational logic, if I were to break up with her, then I would not have to need her and it would hurt less that if she were to break up with me. It's irrational, I know, but I still can't help thinking about that.

Anybody else ever feel this way? What are your thoughts? And by the way, I'm not here for silly b.s. answers so I would very much appreciate good responses.
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
To begin with, I don't believe that you can love someone too much-- though I do believe that you can sometimes feel that way. And, when you do feel that way, then I think it's a sign that something is unbalanced... the question is what.

The infatuation early in a relationship that people often feel can be intense and feel a bit obsessive; sometimes this feeling grows into a mature love. I think of love- as it matures- as developing into a deeper, more secure feeling (even when it still has passion) that includes caring more about the other person than worrying about yourself (but not ignoring yourself either). All this said, I'm wondering whether you are still infatuated and she has moved beyond this phase.How insecure you are feeling about her feelings toward you; and how much that is feeding your neediness?

I'm also curious about whether there is the possibility of her caring for you in the way that you need; or whether this is a situation where you will more likely always feel this way. The first situation could be part of a healthy relationship while the second situation will leave you to keep feeling as you do now (or worse).

This is all hard to sort out, especially when you are feeling so strongly. But I'd suggest that you really think about the situation as it is and what you'd like it to be. If or when the time is right, you might want to talk with your girlfriend about her thoughts and feelings about the situation-- this will help you to know whether she wants what you want, how matched or mismatched you are with each other now, and the likelihood that this could develop into something you want.

I know there is more to be said about all of this -- love and relationships can be complicated. But I'm hoping that this will at least be of some help.
 
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luvmy2babiesmuch replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
I can feel your pain, once, my first BF and I were like that, and I felt like I was going to die without him, and we were together for 2.5 yrs, and then he did get tired, and broke up,,, it was devastating, and I hated myself for letting him control my feelings, thoughts, and even to occupy my every thought. I was mad that I had become so vunerable, weather it was love or not, i was mad at myself. I mourned for several months, BUT that whole time, I conditioned myself, i really did some soul searching, and me and my soul came to an agreement. Love is one thing, and from now on, I can love another person, but I would never let them be the sole reason for my happiness. I wanted a BF that loved me when we were together and apart as well, and one that helped me feel better about myself- but that also felt good about himself, and could stand alone as well. I met that man, and we've been together now 20 yrs. I contined with my hobbies, and he had his, and it was fine that we did have seperate lives, and we trusted that being away from each other was fine, and "if" he ever got tired and left me, I knew in my heart, that even tho I loved him dearly- i would be ok, cause I was happy w/ myself, and happy for what i had accomplished. this was not easy, but it worked. I made a vow to myself, to be in control, of not someone else, but in control of ME, and my emotional state. I would never allow myself to become so weak that i wanted to die b/c someone decided to break away from me. I now feel like I am a wonderful person, and should my husband leave now, yes, i woul dcry many a tear, and it would devastate me, for the kids would be very hurt, BUT I would not feel like dying without him.also, yes, I want to be the one that dumps, it does make you feel better, it's the control... also, try talking to her, see how she feels. I can tell you taht now, since i am a seasoned, wiser adult, that i hate to feel smothered. I once had a BF that called me all the time, and wanted to talk for hours,, i hated that. I had other things that i wanted to do... and he never got the hint. I hated that! I think most people are attracted to people w/ confidence, and confidence means that you do not have to be around another person 24/7, and that you are able to stand on your own, not always leaning on another! hope i helped.. best of luck to you,, how old are you and she??
 
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isabellin responded:
well first of all you sound like a good guy and is sad that when we females have a good guy we dont know how to treat them

second you should talk to her maybe you just need to tell her how you feel and that your relatinship dont seem and dont feel the same maybe she dont notice her behavior

third i dont know just talk to her to see if both of you are still onthe same page...

and if she lets you go is HER LOSE and not yours cause you are a NICE GUY

good luck!!!


XOXO :)
 
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alaska_mommy responded:
My thoughts are, talk about break up with her. It seems like she is pulling away from you---I had a relationship where that happened and I ended up breaking up with the guy. He seemed kind of relieved I did---I think he didn't want to hurt me.
You could have "the talk" with her---the "where are we going with this relationship and do we need to break up" talk. Maybe she'll protest wildly, maybe she'll agree quietly and you will part ways. But, I don't think you can or should go on like this. I think you feel needy because you're not getting the quality or quantity of time with her that would be normal early in a relationship. Also the way it seemed to happen all of a sudden instead of gradually signals to me that something is going on with her that she's not letting you in on. Talk to her!


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