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How do I move on?
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An_212865 posted:
Hello, my name is Marlen and I need advice. I am 24, divorced and mother of two beautiful children. They are 3 and 2 years old. I got divorced almost 2 years ago and promised myself never to fall in love again but just to look after my kids and work hard to give them all they needed. I have dated since then but never took any boyfriend seriously up until about 5 months ago. I met Renato and we were friends for almost 3 motnhs and then dated 2 months.
When we started of course everythiing was great, he led me on to believe he cared a lot for me and that he enjoyed my company. we would go out to eat, movies, clubs, and sometimes my kids and I would just go watch him play soccer with his team. I do not know how it happened but I fell in love with him and he said he cared for me too and that i was the sweetest, most romantic, caring and wonderful not to mention special girl he ever dated. He works at construction, so his shifts were super long and exhausting, we only saw eachother on the weekends and most the time I spent the night at his apartment becasue he would ask me too. While being intimate he would say he cared for me so much and that he was making love to me not just having sex. I would run errands for him, do him favors, and even cook breakfast for him, becasue i loved him so much. His Birthday came along, I rented a hotel room, bought him a cake, made him a personalized poem and also gave him a pillow with my picture on it and he loved it. We were supoosed to meet that night again, at the hotel but this time i was going to bring my kids because I am a single mother and had no sitter. we had been with the kids before and although he played somewhat with them, he seemed indifferent and sometimes he woudl make excuses to not go on field trips with all of us, i did notice he did not like being around the kids much. Before we met that night he called me. the night before my ex boyfriend and a friend went out to eat and I forgot to mention it to him, his friend saw us and of course told Renato about it and he got upset.. he felt cheated and lied to and from then did not say "I love you" anymore like he used to. We did go to the hotel after all but he was very cruel and cold, the next morning we ate the cake but still he was very indifferent. I did apologize to him about the issue but made it clear that I loved him and that I had nothign to do with this other guy, that we were just friends. Two days passed and i decided to call him and he said he came to a conclusion that he did not love me... he was just lonely and got loved confused with just needing company.. he hurt me like i never thought a person could hurt another. I treated him like a king, i was so sweet with him and so caring and now he tells me this. He had mention several times before that he needed to see a therapist, he was way to stressed and overwhelmed, and needing assistance, he speaks English but mainly Spanish so he had asked me to help him find a Spanish therapist in our city. The night he told me that he did not love me but was just confused, I could not help but cry and ask him why, why did he do this to me, why tell me he cared if he really didn't , why lead me on like this if he knew I was a sweet girl? He asked me to please not cry, that he felt like sh** and that he felt like he was worthless and just needed a therapist.. he had no other words to comfort me.. i told him i could not be with him if he did not care for me, and the next day was his B-day and i just wished him a Happy B-day and left it at that. He did text me twice the following day and one text said "baby forgive me" of course i did not reply and it will be almost 4 days and we have not talked and he has not texted me again. I love him so much and i am so devasted, how can someone be so cruel? Even if he is needing a therapist badly, there is no excuse to be so indiferent and rude. My girlfriends all tell me to let go and that he is not worth it, what do I do if love him?

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isabellin responded:
none of the above....his celoso and he wants time with you only and not your kids and yeah you feel good and everything BUT why you want a men next to you that doesn care about your kids thats going to be an issue cause i dont think you are going to put him first then your KIDS...love hurts and what we do for a person when we are with them is cause we loved them you did your part but is HIS LOSE!!! you need a men that takes care of you and your kids and not someone that whants you to spend the night with him cause he dont want your kids around...

And dont try to find an explanation for his actions cause his the only one that knows it and dont try to find excuses for him either...you had fun you where comforable with him and you felt butterflies and all but your KIDS are first dont forget that..........

be smart think with your HEAD and not your HEART...


XOXO :)
 
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Elle0317 responded:
What do I do if i love him?

Well you can try to find the reasons why you love someone who treats you like that. Maybe you could benefit from some counselling too?
 
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Negrita7 replied to isabellin's response:
Thanks for your advice.. you are right.. I just do not undertand why he said he cared so many times, and then all of a sudden he said he did not, that he only got confused and that is why he said it. I knew I shouldn't have believe in love again, it is not for me :(
 
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isabellin replied to Negrita7's response:
hey girl dont get discurage for a guy that is insecure!!! his jeolous but that doesnt give him the right to say the things he said..dont try to find out the WHY?? of his behavior cause girl!!! you are going to go crazy!! just let him go and if he comes back make him suffered and if he sticks around maybe he really have good intentions with you...

i think our problem with all do respect is that we give it to soon and we shouldnt do that yes we have needs and all but most of the time when is given sometimes men change...

you know before i meat my hubbie i used to give it you know a week or 2 after dating im being honest and that didnt work..
so i change my stragedy and walla i merry the most wonderfull men and besides that i change my ways and started sicking God and started praying for a good men and it happen you shoul try it....
 
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Negrita7 replied to isabellin's response:
Thanks.. I fell under depresion when I got divorced, my ex hubby though used to smoke marijuana alot and know is in and out of jail becasue he is irresponsible, bo basicly i am a single mother of two lilttle ones.. i feel like i am falling under depresion again, and yes you are right next time, if there is a next time, i will just move slowly and not give it all i've got all at once.. I will make them show me and prove they have good intentions first and you are right God will help me through this.. i sure need to seek him more often and pray as well.. thanks :)
 
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alaska_mommy responded:
I would say, even if he had not ended the relationship like he did, that his not liking your kids or being indifferent to them is a deal breaker. When I first met my step dad (as an adult), he greeted me and then kissed my hand! (I was a bit taken abakc but it was very sweet.) He is very involved in our lives and loving.
You want someone like that for your kids. And if someone truly loves you, they will automatically love your kids too (I feel). Because, they belong to you, they are a part of your life, and you and your kids are inseparable. You can't have one without the other. I feel like your relationship with this man was doomed from the start---down the line it would have come out just how much he was not a "kid" person and it would have been you having to choose between your kids or him.
Also if you two had only been dating two months, I question (a little) the way you got super-involved with him so fast. Emotionally, and as well all the things you were doing for him and making him, etc. Disclaimer: I tend to be more reserved at the beginning of relationships--testing the waters so to speak.
Was he doing these kinds of things for you, or was it all one-sided? I would be a little careful throwing your heart and soul into a relationship so quickly. I feel that it's better to unfold yourself bit by bit, showing more and more involvement/passion/affection as time goes on. You don't want to give it all away right up front---especially not if the other person is not reciprocating. Then you are laying it all on the line while they are just soaking it up...not balanced.
JMHO!
 
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Negrita7 replied to alaska_mommy's response:
Thanks to all you guys giving me advice I feel better.I trully appreciate all your kind words, I am not sure why I fell in love with him so quickly, I gave it all I had, I took care fo him, I spoiled him way to much.. He kept saying he cared and did not want me to move away or leave him but that he was not romantic, like i was. He said he was not that sweet, and showing his emotions was hard for him becasue he was not a romantic person.. adn that he needed a phychologist because he was to stressed adn he always said that. He was not rude to my kids but would get frustrated quickly but never did a bad face to them.
thank you for your advice, adn i am going to grow from this, it seems i will never heal, but God will help me through and next time believe me, i will think back to this day and test the waters first so that i do not end up hurt like this again..
 
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Negrita7 replied to Negrita7's response:
I keep trying to be strong, but i just can't.. I cannot believe he was so cold adn cruel to said " i was just lonely , i do not love you". why did he not choose any other girl that did not care just like him.. why choose someone that was so sweet with him? i just feel like calling him and telling him how much i love him.. but i know i can't. i have respect for myself.. but it hurts.. i am at work and cannot stop crying.. :(
 
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luvmy2babiesmuch replied to Negrita7's response:
If I ever, ever, ever met a guy that didn't eew and ahh over my children, i would run so fast, his head would spin.. my children would be with us 80% of the time, and if he ever, ever acted like he didn't want them to be a part of our relationship, i'd first try to kill him, then I would simply run over him with my car! My children would be on our first date, he would know from day 1 that if he wanted me, I come with children, its a package deal. and to answer your question, "why did he say that he caresm" then that he didn't... ever heard of pillow talk? men will do and say anything for a good piece of tail.. generally speaking of course, but I'm willing to bet that is what Renato was doing,, that';s why he couldn't date with the kids hardly ever, and why the brush off when the kids had to accompany, etc.. to the heck with him.. time will heal you, and you will look back on this and feel SO stupid,, and see taht this wasn't really love-- you are most likely on rebound, and happy over the attention. don't be SO desperate and rush into it next time,, take a new BF with caution, and take it slower.. let him have a relationship with your "whole" family, before you jump into bed,, he may actually fall in love with you and the children then! J M O
 
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isabellin responded:
u see girl you just needed some help to come out of that darkness things are not that bad when somebody gives you good advise always seek God in good and bad times always :) take care
 
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isabellin replied to Negrita7's response:
u have somebody that always LOVE you no matter what and that is GOD dont forget it :) <3
 
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alaska_mommy replied to Negrita7's response:
He may really have some emotional problems to say something like that to you. Also could have been said out of anger and he didn't really mean it...angry that he thought you were with your ex. So he said something really cruel and spiteful to get to you where it hurts.
HOWEVER--whether he meant it or not, DON'T GO BACK please!!!! If he can be this spiteful/hurtful after 2 months dating, what will he do down the road?? He has some serious issues and please don't touch him with a ten foot pole! A well-adjusted person would be very hurt and angry if they thought someone was seeing their ex behind their back, but they wouldn't resort to cruelty to "get back" at the person. This is childish behavior. And he seems like he is easily angered and not very trusting either, if he flew into a rage b/c you had lunch with the guy (and another person was present I might add).
Count yourself lucky that his true colors came out now! If he is constantly saying that he needs therapy, remember, YOU DON'T want a project!! You have gotten out of an unhappy marriage and you don't need someone who can't stand on their own two feet. You need a strong, capable man who will be worthy of your showers of love! STAY STRONG!! We are supporting you in your choice to not call him back!! Remember your kids--they will be with you always, and at the very least, you need to do what's right for them.
Of course you are hurting, rejection like that is so hard to take. But remember, it's NOT your fault. This guy is messed up and he hurt you because of his issues. You didn't do anything wrong other than being loving and trusting---which, in a healthy relationship, is the right thing to do.
It's ok to grieve the loss of this relationship. Cry over him, journal, talk to us here. But please don't go back to him.
"I am woman, hear me roar!"
((hugs))
 
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Negrita7 replied to alaska_mommy's response:
awww... friends I am crying again... I had some things that belonged to him ,that I had.. I have my best friend last night call him and told him to pick them up at her house during the weekend.. i called him today .... sorry sorry but I am hurtting so badly, I Inow i should have not done that... but i needed to hear his voice.. why did I need refirmation that he did not love me? I do not know.. He said he did care for me at the beggining and he did want it to work out, but my ex has always in our relationship too and that he had never had someone as sweet and special before but also he had never had someone that wanted to be with him all the time adn that if he wasn't would get mad.. he said I frustrated him every time when i would make him feel bad about not spending more time with me, and that was not the issue. My best friend has told me this before too, that i do not notice it but that i am controling and needy at times, I do not feel that way at all.. Iwas there when he needed me and was sweet with him but Inever felt like I was taking his freedom away... I know this does not excuse his behavior for being so cruel but i am starting to believe my friend is right.. maybe I do come off as controling and needy? :(
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to Negrita7's response:
Relationships can definitely get confusing fast. And when things go wrong, like they did for you, they can leave you spinning. I'm glad that you have friends there to support you; and that you have found support here. Because no matter how you work this through in your head, this is a painful situation that you need support for.

It sounds like he has treated you in ways that are unacceptable -- no matter what you did or did not do, you did not deserve how he treated you. Putting aside what your heart says about missing him, do you think that he is (or could be) a good man for you, based on what you know about him now? Also, like so many other people who have responded here, I think it's significant that he didn't want to spend time with your children. No matter how great a guy is, you need to ask yourself whether you want to be with someone who is not interested in your children. Hopefully, the answers to questions like these can help you walk through this.

As for you possibly being too controlling or needy, it sounds like you could really benefit from thinking about this feedback. Perhaps there is something in you that you want to change; but deciding whether this is the case will take time and the emotional courage to truly look at yourself. It is really important as you consider that feedback that you do it with compassion -- rather than being angry or attacking toward yourself for what you might see, you will do better to try to understand your own struggles, much as you'd understand and support a friend.

Most of all, I do hope that you find it in your heart (after a time of healing) to reach out for love again.


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