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How to move on....
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An_213038 posted:
My boyfriend of over a year and a half just returned from a year long deployment in Iraq. I have been living in his house for about a year...taking care of things while he was gone. About 7 months ago he began acting very strange...hardly talking to me...not answering emails. After he returned home, he remained very distant and paranoid. He would lock his computer up before walking away from it...and he was snooping through my computer and cell phone. I even caught him in the act once. He claims I cheated on him...which is totally untrue. But, about a week and a half ago, I finally made him tell me what was going on...why he was acting so strange. He told me that he found out that he had a 4 year old son about 6 months ago when he was home on leave....and then he said.. she is due again in Sept of this year. He cheated on me with this same girl. My heart is broken...and all trust is gone. When he was trying to put the blame on me...I started packing up my things...now he wants me to stay. I still feel like he is snooping to find something and I feel like he is still hiding things from me. I told him that he needs to be like an open book with me...but I don't think he can do that. I don't know where to start...I have no other choice right now but to move home with my parents...I'm 30 years old and unemployed at the moment...so that is so embarrassing. I just don't know what to think about all this...what to think about him...whether to believe him or not...I feel like I have wasted 2 years of my life... :(
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3point14 responded:
((hug)) You shouldn't feel like you wasted two years. He cheated. He did YOU wrong. I can't imagine how hard this must be, and I'm so sorry. There is no shame in living with your parents until you get your feet under you again, and you'll feel so much better being away from that guy.

You deserve so, so much better than how he's treated you. And he might still be hiding things from you, and he might still snoop. But who cares? If there's really nothing he can do to win your trust again, who cares what secrets he has in his life without you? He doesn't deserve even a moment of your concern.
 
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tmlmtlrl responded:
Classic sign that someone is cheating on you is when they start accusing you of cheating! So that fact that he is still snoopin on you would only make me think he's still hiding things from you. Unfortunately for you it sounds like he needs to go be with this other women and see how it works for them. As for 'wasting time' don't think that way. Every experience we have in life is to learn from. Every broken heart is a stepping stone towards the one we ultimately give our hearts to and deserve it. Trust me it is better to let this one go instead of letting more time and energy go to him when he has so much 'history' (for lack of better word) with this other women. This is perfect senerio of you need to let him go and see if there is something with her -- either it works for them, he realizes how much he cared for you, or you go your seperate ways...but let him go. Be strong and good luck to you.
 
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Negrita7 replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
I totally understand what you are going through and I know how bad it hurts.. My boyfriend and I just broke up too a week ago, he said he did not mean to say " I love you" he was just confused adn lonely and that is why he say it but did not mean it.. He has another girl pregnant, she found out she was pregnant after we started dating so that is why i did not make a big deal about it, but i treated him like a king, i gave him all my understanding and time not to mention my love and he played with my feelings... You are better off without him, and believed me i have cried and cried adn almost dialed his number but i keep coming back to this site and reading the advice i am given here and i am started to realize God does things for a reason.. It hurst but it was not meant to be, it will take time to heal and many more tears but at least i found out now insted of years down the road where i was more attached to him... i am divorced and have 2 kids, 3 year and 2 year olds and iam a single mother.. I got divorced 2 years ago and this was the guy i had been waiting for i thought, but look he broke my heart.. but i have to let go.. it hurts and at times i feel like i cannot do it.. but i have too.. We are better than that.. do not be weak, lets stay strong together..
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
As lousy as this situation is, it sounds to me that you have some pretty good ideas about how to handle it. You know he has cheated, now has created a family apart from you, and has snooped. You think that he is still snooping. You don't trust him. Based on all of this (and maybe more?), you've decided to leave.

I'm guessing that part of what makes you question yourself is the emotional pain of it all. I suggest that you stick with what you think is right. If you do think that there is any real chance of this relationship working out, then that chance will still be there after you've had a little time to get your feet back under you. Though I can't know what you are going through, I seriously doubt that you will want to return to him after this initial shock and pain passes-- this is not a recommendation; just a guess based on what I'm reading. In the meantime, continue to reach out to people for support. As you feel able, get involved again in the things you love or think you might like. Continuing to live life will help you return to enjoying living life.

As you move forward, I hope that you do renew your willingness to give yourself over to a relationship. Although this does leave you vulnerable and is a risk, a healthy, intimate relationship is one of the great joys in life; and one of the main ways to feel fulfilled.
 
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isabellin replied to Negrita7's response:
OMG!!! negrita you are doing so great and i know that cause now you are giving advise to other people IM SO PROUD OF YOU tears are coming to my eyes GOD LOVES YOU....


XOXO :)
 
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Negrita7 replied to isabellin's response:
Thank you for all your help and your advices, I am doing ok, every time i feel like grabbing the phone and giving him a call i think of all the kind words i have read here, but let me tell you i am really hurting.. i was about to post another comment on my page.. Thanks all ..
 
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tmlmtlrl replied to Negrita7's response:
Negrita7 you are a strong woman. I am proud of you as I am sure others are too. We all know what it's like to be in your shoes and the strength it takes not to pick up the phone! Good for you :) ...and that's right God loves you :)

Ultimately you are a stronger person now and you know even more about who you are and what you want and what is acceptable in your life just from going through this experience.
 
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Negrita7 replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
OMG you have no idea how hard it is.. but.. thanks :)
 
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isabellin replied to Negrita7's response:
i know and my situation was worst cause it was a merry men so dont tell me i dont have no idea cause i do... i was dating him for 3 almost 4 yrs and when his wife new that he was cheating with me he just push me to the side like nothing no explanation ignoring me for completely and after a couple of months when thing seattle down he try to call me and i will answer and then it will be only butty calls and i said no he had his time with me and push me away without no explations like if it was my fault that he cheated no i love my self more than to be with a men that also told me for 3 or 4yrs that he was in loved with me

so i know what you are going thrue and that men is not worth it so YOU NEED TO STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM GIRL!!!!!!


DONT WAIST YOUR TIME ON PEDASO DE MIERDA THAT IS NOT WORTH YOUR TIME...

XOXO :)
 
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Negrita7 replied to isabellin's response:
OMG, You had to be devasted.. I am so sorry to hear that.. You are right.. they are not worth it.. to bad our hearts do not understand and are atracted to the rotten ones. You are right and that is why i keep wanting to read more adn more because it gives me the courage to move away, but yes you understand how hard it is... I have decided to not date for a whole year and I pray next time this does not happen, if there is another time, becasue right now i do not believe in love anymore.. did you get over it? how long ago was this? did you find Mr. Perfect?
 
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3point14 replied to isabellin's response:
No offense, and not to demean your pain, but uhm, he was married and his wife found out. What more explanation do you need?
 
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isabellin replied to 3point14's response:
hey he knew his wife was going to find out is not like he stay with her or she didnt let him stay with her...what i meant dont just pretend like nothing happen between us... :p
 
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Negrita7 replied to isabellin's response:
If we would know that we are going to get hurt, I am pretty sure we would not go into it and give it all we have.. Life woud be so simple if we knew what path to go on and if we were blessed with knowing which one not to follow.. I understand your pain Isabellin becasue even though he was married he used to tell you that he loved you, so you kept holding on to the hope that he was going to be with you instead of her if it came to it, but he decided to push you aside.. It hurts I know.. pero what can we do.. lets just pray it does not happen to us again.. and at least next time we will be more alert and cautious..
 
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mrsbstjod replied to 3point14's response:
I totally agree with you 3point14. I feel no sympathy for people who cheat with other married people and know it. If you dont know he is married and he is a really good sneek and liar then I would feel bad but to knowingly carry on an affair with a married man and then be upset he left you? If a man respects you he wouldnt stay married or in a relationship with someone else. Sometimes people baffle me!


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