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anger over self pleasure
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An_213483 posted:
My husband and I just had a baby in the last few months. During those 6 weeks of postpartum, my husband found comfort in watching explicit videos, looking up pictures of half-naked women on his phone, and pleasuring himself with those visuals. Other times he would give me a body massage, then end up pleasuring himself right next to me! (so, at first, I felt appreciated and loved, but in the end, I felt used and violated). Now, we are sexually active together several times a week. However, while I am on "vacation" for my period, he does the same things as when I was in postpartum, and it makes me so upset every single time he does it. I catch him doing it daily, and I feel so unappreciated and angry! Afterwards, I don't even want him touching me at all because I feel like he is going to massage me, then run off to ejaculate.

Why can't he wait for me to be off my period? Why am I feeling so upset because he masturbates? Am I selfish or is he sexually egocentric?
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Elisabeth1234 responded:
Masturbation is totally normal. Apparently, he's only doing it while you're out of commission so he isn't choosing his hand over you. This has nothing to do with not appreciating you. Have you told him how you feel? Why does he have to wait for you to be off your period?
 
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alaska_mommy responded:
If it bothers you, you should talk to him about it. I personally don't have a problem with my husband masturbating when I'm not in the mood for it or don't have the time for it with having a 7 month old baby in the house. But he doesn't do it right next to me. Basically I don't even know it happened unless he mentions it later or I see the history on the computer. We both are ok with looking at porn online occasionally, so that was already ok to begin with between us.
But, it sounds like your husband may be doing it in a way that makes you feel put down or used...maybe he just needs to be more discreet about it for you, or you both need to work out a happy medium. I think it's fair for him to "take care of himself" when you're out of commission, same as I would if my husband was away for a couple weeks. But it sounds like it really bothers you---you should talk to him.
 
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done4good responded:
Why don't you consider giving him a "hand"? Or perhaps oral pleasure? You post makes you appear to be very controlling. If this is true, no good will come of it.
MOO
 
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An_213484 responded:
My Husband and I continue to make love throughout my period. It keeps me cramp free and he "cleanses" me out nicely. I highly recommend it.

I would love to watch my Husband masturbate. But he says masturbating is for single guys. Sometimes he touches himself for my visual pleasure. Maybe you can help make his masturbation more erotic. I purposely purchased see-through shower curtains, which I put up on occasions. I love to watch him soap himself up and touch himself while I peep at him. I start touching myself as well. You have to try and make this fun for the both of you.

At least he is not lying to you about it. He is making his sexual needs obvious and probably hoping you join in. I think your man has needs and is trying to communicate this to you in his own interesting way. I think his way is more fun than nagging you for sex. You should give him oral sex and masturbate him at the same time............ so whenever he wants to please himself, you need to join in. Remember sex is a big part of a relationship.

If you don't please him when he needs it and you get upset when he does it for himself.......... I would say you are being very selfish. Sexually egocentric? We can't try to label things to make something normal sound wrong.
 
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jrap1978 responded:
this is why my period is referred to as "blow job week" and he fully looks foward to it LMAO
which is probably why Im sooo enjoying being pregnant,gives my mouth a rest!!!!
 
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lioness_10 responded:
you may be feeling upset because he is getting his jollies off by looking at someone else.....but you have to remember all those women he is looking at are either fake in some way shape or form (not always), but they are posing, which when a model poses the photograoher takes shot after shot from every angle to get the one and only picture that looks good from that angle...if you saw one of those women right in front of you perhaps from a not so attractive angle you would see they are not flawless....

i also consider "blow job week" or "anal week" either or he will be happy to get some kind of sexual attention from the one he loves....

you are not selfish at all it is completley normal to feel upset over it just remember masturbation is normal
~MaMaBeAr~
 
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lioness_10 replied to alaska_mommy's response:
have a seven month old who is crawling and pulling himself up on stuff and my husband and I work full time, i dont understand how people (not just you) use there kids as an excuse for not having sex...me and my husband have been married for 2 years and we have sex 2-3 times a day..
~MaMaBeAr~
 
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queston responded:
To the OP: I think you;re being selfish. There's no reason your husband shouldn't be able to masturbate during times that you are unavailable for partnered sex. Heck, there's no reason he shouldn't be able to masturbate whenever he wants, as long as he's not neglected your sexual needs.

That's one of the great things about masturbation--it doesn't need to be done on anyone's schedule but your own.

If you want him do be more discreet, ask him to be more discrete. Don't ask him not to masturbate--you don't have a right to ask him that, IMHO.
 
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lioness_10 replied to queston's response:
completley disagree.....if you are uncomfortable with your husband masturbating he should very well quit masturbating....masturbating is to release sexual tension when that other person is not there to assist you...yes i agree it is completley normal and healthy but why woud a married man masturbate even if it is her time of the month....

if you are comfortable with oral have it be blow job week...it makes you feel important and appreciated and loved...

i told my husband before we got married that after we said our I Do's if he masturbated i would be offended because it would make me feel like i am not doing my job right.....
~MaMaBeAr~
 
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queston replied to lioness_10's response:
....masturbating is to release sexual tension when that other person is not there to assist you...


Maybe that's what you think it's for--why should others have to live by your definitions? Many, many married people masturbate, and not just when their spouse is out of town, or on her period, or whatever. They do it for various reasons, which are their own.


If your husband is OK with your rule, then fine. But there's no reason anyone else needs to be.
 
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An_213485 responded:
I can really relate to you. I think your feelings are very natural. However, I don't think it's going to be very good for your marrige if you really don't even want him touching you. Is it the simple fact that he is masterbating in general or the frequency, time, or how he's getting off?? I went through something similar with my boyfriend. I personally wasnt so concerned about the masterbating as I was the porn. I masterbate myself, but dont need porn to get off. I could understand why he needed/wanted to look at it ALL the time when he was single but it seriously became an issue! So once the "new wore off" of our relationship and we werent having sex every single day, I felt offended that he couldn't just take a day off every once in a while and instead acted like if I wasnt going to give it up then he was going to look at porn and jerk off and he didnt care if it was right next to me!!! Needless to say, we came to a very reasonable compromise after several very heated arguements/discussions! It may not be easy or fun but you will need to sit down like two adults and have a serious dicussion(s) to find a resolution that suits you both! If I can be of anymore assistance to you in please let me know.
 
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Cat78fish replied to lioness_10's response:
Lioness_10, I read the OP's post several times and it sounds like she IS making herself unavailable to her husband during her period. She could assist him but she doesn't. She's complaining that he's masturbating during a time when she is either unavailable or unwilling to have sex. The fact that she refers to her period as a "vacation" from sex indicates that she views sex as a chore that she puts up with. The fact that he is masturbating only when she's either unavailable or unwilling indicates that he is not ignoring her needs at all. It also doesn't mean she's unattractive to him. It just means that he has a much higher sex drive than him.

I'm in the opposite position as the OP. My husband is recovering from a stem cell transplant that was done 5 months ago and while he is in remission, he has severe neuropathy and zero sex drive. We have not had actual intercourse since his stem cell transplant because he is unable to get an erection. He did not have ED before the transplant so we are thinking that the chemo killed his sex drive as well as gave him ED. I have stayed with him because I know it isn't because he thinks I'm unattractive but if he were to tell me to stop masturbating or he's leaving, I would tell him not to let the door hit him in the hiney. From a financial standpoint, I don't need him but he needs me. His disability check barely covers his medical expenses while my earnings cover all our other bills including the mortgage. He knows better than to issue me an ultimatim because I just might take him up on it. Afterall, I am only masturbating and not having an affair.

AND when you told your husband that you would be offended if he masturbated after you were married, my answer back to you would have been well then you better be willing and available to take care of my sexual needs whatever they may be. If you are not, then you have no right to tell him not to masturbate. I would never want to marry someone that wanted to control me.
 
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Schmaylan replied to queston's response:
I agree with you Queston..

If thats what you and your husband agree on Lioness, great for you! Dont tell anyone else whether or not masturbation is acceptable in their relationship, its obviously up to them.

Me and my DF had a rousing good sexcapade at 3 am this morning. Well he went off to work at 7 and I dont work til 9. When I got out of the shower, I felt like having an orgasm so I went and laid down, grabbed the vibrator and took care of myself. After being fully satisfied I got up, got dressed and went to work feeling relaxed and in a fine mood. Should I feel bad about it? Does my DF have the right to tell me 'not to'? No mam! Vice versa, my DF is free to take care of himself whenever he wishes, I know he wouldnt choose it over me so why be mad?

To the OP- the main thing for me is that you need to talk to your DH. You cant fault him for taking care of his own business if he doesnt know how you feel about it. My and the SO have sex throughout my period so it doesnt change for us. Are YOU the one who doesnt want to do it while on your period or is it a mutual thing? Either way I dont think its fair to say he cant masturbate if you arent blowing/giving him a hand job. You say "why cant he wait" I think its why should he? Why would you want to deprive him?

Let him know how you feel and let him know he needs to be more discreet if need be but I really dont think any person has the right to tell their partner not to...
 
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isabellin responded:
1. why does he have to wait for you to be off your period? you can:
a) give him oral sex
b) you can have anal sex
c) or like other ppl have intercourse during their period they say is good for the cramp (i wont do it but anyways)
2. maybe because you are not giving him that pleasure that his feeling when he masturbate.. MHO
3. maybe his just used to watching all those stuff you need to talk to him and let him know how you feel.


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