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Boyfriend's intimacy issues.. porn addiction?
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An_214017 posted:
I feel that my boyfriend of 5 years very rarely wants to have sex with me anymore. Ive tried everything to spice up the love life and it doesnt seem to work. Eventually I confronted him about it. He told me that I pressure him too much and thats a turn off. So I stopped initiating all together and waited on him. Nothing changed. If I'm lucky, we have sex once a week, and I always feel like its a chore for him.

I found out that he had been watching porn whenever he could fit it in (I was not home). This completely hurt me and affected my confidence. I felt like he was choosing porn over being intimate with me. So I let him know how I felt. He gave me an excuse about how "he watched it that one time so he could perform better when we eventually had sex". He told me that I still put way too much pressure on our sexual relationship and thats all he thinks about. He thinks to himself, "Oh I better have sex with her otherwise she will get sad and angry".

After a huge fight, I decided I would try one last time to let it be, not put so much focus on the sexual side of the relationship. Then one night he initiated, and asked if I wanted to watch porn together. This is something we have done in the past so I figured it would be ok. We started watching it and I couldnt help but notice that he was putting me in the same positions as the woman in the video, and he was mostly looking at the video rather than me. I didnt say anything. The next time we had sex, the same thing happened. Im not sure if its me thinking too much into it, but I felt like I was a prop! Again I let it be. To top it off, I found out that he is still sneaking to watch porn. He will purposely wait for me to leave the house first so he can watch some before he starts his day.

I really dont know what else to do. Ive expressed how I felt to him in the past, but it doesnt seem like he is making an effort to make me feel better. He says that I base our relationship mostly on sex, which is not true. I just want a healthy relationship. I understand that men will watch porn. I think I would be ok with it if we had sex more and I actually felt wanted.
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3point14 responded:
You want him to be more sexual, but you don't want him to do something that puts him in the mood for sex. He then has sex with you, and you don't like the positions you're put in. You get on his case enough that it's quelling his libido, but then say you feel like a prop when he does have sex in a way that he feels comfortable.

How is your relationship besides sex? For how long did you wait when you were "letting" him initiate? When you say he "purposefully" waits for you to be gone, have you made an agreement for him not to watch porn? Does he lie about his porn consumption?

Do you think that by continuing to "let things be" that they're going to get better?
 
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An_214018 replied to 3point14's response:
Besides the sex part, our relationship is good. Weve been together for 5 years and recently moved in together this last spring. Ive been holding off on the initiating for almost a year now.

I just want him to be more sexual with ME. Not himself! Thats just it. He could have sex with me any night of the week, but instead would rather watch porn and masturbate to it alone. This has made me despise porn, and now he knows I dont like it when he watches it. So he watches it behind my back and lies about it. One time we went 2 weeks without having sex, I went out with my girlfriends one night.. and he masturbated while I was gone. Another morning we could have done something before going about our errands, but instead, he waited for me to leave the house first, so he could watch it.

I never had a problem with watching porn til now. I guess Ive become self consciousness and thats why when I tried to do it recently with him, I felt like he was not there with me, but into the girl in the video and just using my body.

I dont want to let things be. I just dont know what else to do. He knows how I feel about all of this.. and yet, nothing is changing.
 
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queston replied to An_214018's response:
To me, saying "Besides the sex part, our relationship is good," means you're good candidates for friendship, not romantic partnership.


I'm a big fan of masturbation and I think it's generally a healthy habit, but when your partner is sexually frustrated while you are turning her/him down for sex, then something has gone very wrong.


I personally think you need to tell him how you need his behavior to change, and that you will leave him if you don't see him making an effort to do so.


Then, of course, you need to follow through.


One other thought: you didn't say how old you (plural) are--is he possibly having performance issues that make him hesitate to have partnered sex? Have you recently gained weight or "let yourself go" in some way? (If so, and he's no longer interested in sex, that makes him kindof a pig, but it's worth asking if this could be a factor.)
 
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fuzzyguy responded:
OK, this is one of my hot buttons. I know that a lot of people will disgree with me, but I believe that your situation supports my position.

Pornography is destructive to relationships. No girl can match up to the air-brushed hand-picked babes that are protrayed in porn. Add a guys imagination and how visual we are, and you have a guy living in a fantasy world that can't happen in real life in his own bed. Pornography is addictive and progressive. By progressive, I mean that it takes more and more extreme images to produce the sexual high that one gets.

One of the things that a guy gets from pornography is a prologned experience. He can hang "on the edge" feeling really good for quite a while. Try making your love-making have this trait. The longer you can have him hanging on to a sexual high, on the edge before orgasim, the better he will like it. At least this is true for me and suspect it is true for a lot of guys.

I know, I have addressed how to make him good and have not addressed your needs. At this point, you are trying to rescue the relationship. If you are successful in pulling him away from the porn and being satisfied in bed with you, you can address your needs subsequently

Good luck. I am not optimistic about your success in this relationship if your BF will not discuss this openly and rationally.
 
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An_214019 replied to fuzzyguy's response:
Anon_78425:
Weve been together for 5 years. He is 26 and I just turned 30. I can toot my own horn and say that I have no problems attracting other men and I think Im exciting in bed. As for him, he has never had performance issues.


About 6 months ago I brought up the whole, "I feel like this is a friendship" topic and he said I was crazy. He argued that he is attracted to me, loves me and needs me in his life but he is just so busy and tired lately. Thats why he is not in the mood. We have even had talks about our future together and marriage. So were both on the same page there. I understand that guys watch porn and masturbate, but yes, when its affecting me and I'm left frustrated and questioning if he is even sexually attracted to me anymore.. thats a problem. Thing is, he knows how I feel... but he claims that he doesnt know how to fix it. So he leaves it alone. And apparently he is fine with how things are, so Im the only one unsatisfied with the sexual part of our relationship. I just dont know what else I can do. I suggested counseling. I told him that if I dont know how to fix this, and he doesnt, maybe someone's opinion and advice could help. But I know he doesnt want to go. He says he doesnt want to be told that he is "doing something wrong".


fuzzyguy:
Thanks for the tip. But I have tried the "teasing" game. Ive tried scenarios and outfits. Ive tried to be the girl in the video. Doesnt make a difference. =( I cant understand how a guy would rather masturbate to porn than have sex with his hot girlfriend!? Thats why I question if he is addicted and if things can change. Am I in the wrong for asking him to give up porn for the sake of our relationship? I guess I dont know what to even say to him about it anymore. I dont know how to fix this or if it can be fixed.
 
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Annie72387 replied to An_214019's response:
Anon_78425, I don't know if you are still on here or not but I was just curious how this worked out for you and your boyfriend. I realize it was two years ago now but I recently was searching this kind of information because I am currently going through this same situation with my boyfriend who I have been with for 2 & 1/2 yrs. When I read your article, I felt like I could have written it myself, I even made him read it to try to better explain what I am feeling and he even agreed it sounded a lot like something i could write. So I was just wondering how/if things worked out and what you did to try to work it out.
 
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Annie72387 replied to Annie72387's response:
sorry, meant an_214019


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