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    Crossroad with Wife
    An_214315 posted:
    First I am a little embarassed, I have never ask anyone for help like this before, I usually just go with the flow. I have been married for over 15 years and through those years my wife and I have constantly had issues with sex. At first she didn't mind oral sex or any sex, but that quickly went away. I find myself having to masturbate alot and when she is ready (once a month) and then it's too late I have lost the interest. I have tried to make sure she is taken care of in any way, ie, cook, clean, massages, to where she dooesn't have to worry about anything when she gets home, plus I work all night. we have fought over and over and i'm just tired. I love my wife deeply but I just can't take it anymore. I feel she wants a husband without the sexual intimacy. She refuses counseling and believes nothing is wrong. When we do fight about it she will change for about a month and go back to her normal routine. I'm just tired and need advice. Thanks
    queston responded:
    Have you been really blunt with her about how important this is to you? Would you consider divorce if this situation doesn't improve? Does she know that? Long term resentment is like a cancer in a marriage, IMHO.

    If you tell her how critical this is, in your opinion, to the viability of your relationship, then maybe she would be more open to counseling.

    Does she enjoy sex when you do have it?
    ttj2031 replied to queston's response:
    yes and I have mentioned divorce. She will change for a couple of weeks and then go bacvk to the same old thing. I have tried everything no where to turn
    Kayellbee replied to ttj2031's response:
    I have never been married, but recently (the last year) I lost interest in sex. I used to love it and I don't have any serious issues with my boyfriend. I eventually went to speak with a doctor and it ended up being hormones that were out of whack. I started taking some medicine and can honestly say things went back to normal. I know you've had this problem for many years, but she could've been living with a depression disorder all this time. You didn't really say much about her overall temperment. Is she moody too? How's her self-esteem?
    An_214316 replied to Kayellbee's response:
    She has told me in the past that she didn't like sex. Then there would be times (few and far between)that she wanted me. I've tried everything. I 've tried getting her to a doctor, but she doesn't go. She has told me she has a low estregen level but refuses to do anything about it. Yes she always thinks she is fat, but I always reassure her that she is sexy. I try to make her coming home from work less stressful, by cleaning the whole house, cooking, loving on her, complimenting her, writing poetry, etc......but she will just roll over and go to sleep. I feel like i'm her best friend not her husband
    An_214317 replied to An_214316's response:
    Is sex painful for her?

    It sounds like there's an underlying medical reason for her not enjoying sex.

    My husband is much like your wife. Doesn't want sex. We've been married for 8 years and I've always been the persuer. I even got so desperate that I threatened to cheat on him.

    The only thing that helped us was getting him a complete physical to make sure there were no medical reasons why he didn't have a sex drive. And the second thing was for me to calm down and not constantly beg for sex. Once I quit begging, he slowly came around and started initiating sex with me.

    If it is not health-related - it could be that's she's cheating on you and feels guilty or it could be that her self-esteem is in the gutter and if that's the case- no amount of compliments from you will help. If it is self-esteem - the only thing that will help her is to get her weight under control and do things that make her feel good about herself. And that's something that you cannot control...

    If all else fails, tell her that you are considering cheating on her if she won't get herself to a doctor. (Even if you aren't going to cheat on her...Maybe that's all ti will take to get her in action.)

    Good luck. And let us know what happens.

    An_214318 replied to An_214317's response:
    We finally went to the doctor and are trying some testing due to excessive dishcharge. I've known about the discharge but never thought much about it. Th edoctor took some samples and will let us know. I have noticed since the doctor has forbidden us to have sex she has been alot happier, which coincides with the past.

    I have thought sh is cheating on me, due to coming home right after work and bathing, something she never did in the past, but I will let the doctor due her part and go from there. My only question is what if the doctor comes back and says everything is all right?

    Thanks for the imput so far
    FCL replied to An_214318's response:
    " what if the doctor comes back and says everything is all right?"

    Then you make an appointment with a marriage counsellor. If she won't go then go by yourself. It will help you put things in persepective and decide what you should do next. You owe it to yourself.
    There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
    firefighter38111 responded:
    My wife and I went through some problems and its ok to ask for help. I got some good help from people in this room plus we got medical help. If you go back and read some previous posts of mine; ours got pretty dramatic. The opposite of yours though we used sex to fix our problems. Sounds like some hormone imbalance or maybe psychological issues. My wife is bi polar and I can be ADD but we found common ground and we both had to change some things. Our sex life is getting back to normal but we are not using it to fix our outside bedroom problems. She had some med changes. I hope your wife isn't having an affair but don't read too much into the shower thing. my wife and I both shower or bathe when we hit the house. I smell like hell after work and wife leaving the trauma center feels dirty. I hope things work out; a bad marriage sucks but divorce is hell also
    if you absolutely need the mission accomplished overnight.Dont call a Navy Seal Team
    An_214319 replied to FCL's response:
    Thanks, I will wait and see what the doctor has to say. If she returns with everything is fine then I will seek a marriage counselor. I do not want a divorce, been there done that, but I can't live day in and day out stressed wondering what's really going on. I had to watch my mother go through it and it nearly killed her. I just don't want to be the person who doesn't know. I've told her I would be understanding if she was honest with me, but I jsut don't see her coming out and telling the truth.....All I know is she has been much happier since we have not had sex. If she was cheating on me would she still be affectionate?...............
    Lovemyhub replied to An_214319's response:
    Are you saying she does - or does not - treat you with affection?

    How old are the two of you? Are there any children?

    IMHO everyone - who cheats - treats their parter differently - I don't think it's the same from case to case.

    As far as taking a shower as soon as she gets home - it could be what you are thinking - but as you indicated previously if she's got a lot of discharge going on - she could be showering because of that. She could be embarrased and self conscious about it too.

    Have you point-blank asked her about it - in a non-threatening way of course?

    In my opinion it is obvious that the two of you have not been comminucating and perhaps counseling is needed at this point regardless of the medical doctor stuff. You need to feel secure that what she tells you is truthful and I get the feeling you don't feel that way.

    If she doesn't want to go - as FCL said - go it alone. She may see that you're really serious and may want to join in at some point - or she may not but it will help you to figure things out for yourself.
    ttj2031 replied to Lovemyhub's response:
    Yes I have, I even told her that I feel there is someone else because of the way she makes me feel. She just tells me were fine and there is no one else. We been having this issue for about 15 years but lately it has gotten worse. We tried counseling one that I remebered and it didn't go very well. We will see after the doctir's results. and go from there
    FCL replied to ttj2031's response:
    What went wrong with the counsellor?
    There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
    An_214320 replied to FCL's response:
    You name it, everything.......I told her how I felt like the counselor said to and she was to tell me something that I do wrong for her.......after the session she didn't speak that much to me for about a week.......then she opened up and said she felt like our relationship was a lie. She always thought everything was perfect until that time and every since then we've had constant arguments about it.

    Well the results came .........she is negative for everything, yeast, UTI, STD, etc......I've been tested and I'm neagative........So why is there so much "discharge" and Yeast infections, when the doctors say nothing is wrong........I now and gripping with reality and I do believe there is someone else..............Should I give her an choice....Either and our relationship or the truth.........I've told her if she was honest and explained why we could work it out.... LOST AND CONFUSED........
    FCL replied to An_214320's response:
    So did you only ever go to one session?
    There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.

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