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Husband keeps cellphone locked!!
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I_love_prada posted:
Hi everyone, I have NEVER come upon this board, so please bear with me... :confused: The issue is, my husband keeps his cellphone locked at all times. He won't let me use it, and even if he is showing me a pic or something, he won't even let me hold it in my hand. This may not seem like an issue but let me give you some background. We have been married 3 yrs this November, and we dated for three years before that. Everything was pretty good. We didn't live together or anything before that, but when we got married and started living together, it was like WHOA. He did a lot of weird and annoying things, but I could deal with that. In the midst of all the adjusting, we started having spats all the time. It seemed like every little thing was a problem for the first year. I have heard that the first year is pretty bad so I was not surprised. However, it came about that I discovered that he was talking to other females over the internet and the phone. Many inappropriate comments on social networking sites as well as emails and instant messages. A little over two years ago I found out (after he left all his email and messenger accounts unlocked) that he was planning to cheat with a particular woman and had even set up a time and place. He told me later that he had become "depressed" because we were arguing so much, and he "lost his mind" for a minute but then snapped out of it. He decided not to go through with the cheating, and he left all that stuff on the computer open for me to see because he thought that would be easier than telling me himself. I have never cried so much in my life :crying: . And there were many more females that he spoke with innappropriately. Shortly after that (late 2007) I found out that he was talking to his ex fiancé from like 8 years ago and telling her that he still wanted to "do" her. Again, this was during a rough patch in our marriage. Then, in 2008 I found out that he was up late at night talking to females over his PS3 internet messenger thing asking for their age, sex, and location. Why? Why did he need to know that? THEN, earlier this year, I saw on someone's personal page a very explicit comment that he left her page stating what he wished he could do to her. I confronted him with that, and he just had this stupid freakin look on his face and said that he was sorry, but that maybe it would be easier for him not to do these things and talk to other women this way if I improved my skills as a wife. Hmm. So right then I told him to open all his messengers and emails and I would do the same, and we'd look at everything. Nothing crazy was found on me, but he had been chatting with some of his old classmates and telling them that they were still sexy after all these years. I was so angry! He said that he was going to stop doing that and practice more self control. We'll see. So my question is, is it wrong for me to be upset about the phone being locked? My is NEVER locked and I said he could use/go through it whenever he wants, but he won't. He used to say that he didn't want me to look at it because he thought I would change his wallpaper to something girly to make his friends laugh. But now he says I need to be really nice to him for an extended amount of time before he'll unlock it. WHAT?!?
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cjh1203 responded:
I think the locked phone is the least of your problems. Given all you know about him, I can't imagine how you could trust him as far as you could throw him. Without looking at his phone, you already know what you would probably find. The question is, do you want to be married to someone who is always chasing after other women, saying he wants to "do" them, arranging meeting, etc? His excuses are really lame -- if you read the posts of other women here who have encountered similar situations, their men always use the same excuses. They're just lies meant to end the subject. I would almost guarantee that he has cheated on you multiple times. He sounds like he has a real problem. I have a brother-in-law who is just like your husband. He is obsessed with sex, and always making outrageously inappropriate comments to and about them -- it doesn't matter if they're strangers, acquaintances or even relatives. He can't get enough sex, and he wants it from as many women as possible. You seem to have really serious problems in your marriage. Can you get him to marriage counseling? I hope you can, because I think there's going to come a time when you find out things you don't know yet, and it's going to be a real kick in the gut.
 
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cjh1203 responded:
Forgot to say, my brother-in-law has been married to my husband's sister for over 20 years. I've never understood why she stays with him -- she knows all the stuff he does, and has talked about leaving him for years, but never does.
 
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I_love_prada responded:
ha...and the thing is, I really DON'T trust him. I deal with it because life goes on, but there's always suspicion in the back of my mind. He does have an unusually large sexual appetite...he was married before, but I was a virgin when we got married, and I'm not some big sex-monger, so I guess I don't really "satisfy" him. I don't know. We haven't had a situation (or, at least, I haven't found out anything) since maybe May of this year. I'm trying really hard, and he says he is, but it's been rough. I don't know if there's anything that I'm doing wrong, or that I could do better. We have been planning on counseling for a while...he's tried to get it through his job, but they would only cover just him. I'm already paying for his daughter to go to counseling (her mother abandoned her and now she lives with us) and that's $75 per hour. My job covers counseling, but only three sessions. In my area, most income-based counseling is for psychiatric issues. I am still searching.
 
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cjh1203 responded:
Your satisfying him doesn't have anything to do with the way he is. The charming brother-in-law I mentioned demanded sex from his wife at least once every single night (don't know if he still does) and she obliged, but it didn't stop him from hitting on other women, watching porn incessantly and trying to talk all of his sisters-in-law into sleeping with him. I don't think a man like him or your husband can ever be satisfied, so please don't think that you are a reason or an excuse for his behavior. Even if you weren't satisfying him, that wouldn't justify what he's done. It's one of those things you work on in marriage -- you don't start trolling for women and tell them what you'd like to do to them. Maybe three sessions of counseling would at least be enough shed some light on what's going on with your husband, and whether it's something he's really willing to work on. I'm sure it's not enough to dig too deeply, but maybe it would be a good start. I would think it would be enormously difficult and stressful, knowing some of what your husband has done, to even be with him. I hope you can find a way to reach the point where you can trust him, but please don't rule out other options. Besides being emotionally devastating, if you do find out that he's had multiple sexual partners, you have diseases to worry about, too. Just keep your eyes open and pay attention to any misgivings you may have about him.
 
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I_love_prada responded:
Thanks for the advice...you're right, it is very stressful. He says that he's never physically cheated but you know how that goes. I find myself just getting angry at him for no reason, and I think it's because of everything that's happened. We need help, bigtime.
 
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GnSwoosh responded:
"Skills as a wife"???? Does he have a written description? Yes, I agree you need some help, but I will say that the sliding scale counseling does include marriage counseling, and the work benefit can be usually be used by both of you, check the benefits office.
 
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darlyn05 responded:
I was under the impression that the first few years of marriage were to be blissful b/c you still have that "falling in love" sentiment. That was the case with my H and I. Then as time went by I realized there were more major problems. Not any such as yours. We did not live together for a few months even after we had gotton married. I lived in a different city. My H and I are currently working a program together, most of the time together, about keeping that "falling in love" feeling and putting love first. It's working pretty good for us, he's falling off track a few times. We have only been using it for 3 weeks though. I don't think that's what you need. Like cjh mentioned, I would be skeptical if I was in your position, with my eyes wide open. I don't think I could be with a man with the attitude and behavior you have described of your H. Our insurance will cover individual counseling using a percentage like co-pay. So my counselor is going to have my H come in to discuss my concerns and issues, and she thinks she can still bill it out as individual. I sort of demanded my H go to counseling with me if he wanted to stay married. I don't think my ideas will work for you. Sorry, I don't have anything to offer you other than if it was me, I would be keeping my eyes wide open, and probably tell my H that all the cards have to be put openly on the table. I'm hoping soon my H will stop hiding some things.
 
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GuardSquealer responded:
Having his phone locked is a bad sign. Take it from a guy he is up to no good. Otherwise why have it locked. If he has large sexual appetite and you were together 3 years prior to getting married, and you were a virgin when you got married, do you think he was faithful for those 3 years you were dating but not having sex? I don't. Anyways you do have the right to be angry that he keeps his phone locked. I know that I would do that for only one reason.
 
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I_love_prada responded:
ha I don't know either...I just know that we didn't have any of these kind incidents while we were dating... I take that back...I didn't know of any of these incidents while we were dating.
 
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wwilson89 responded:
Your husband is incredibly immature and needs to grow up. Marriage counseling should probably be sought out. At the end of the day, a relationship needs to trust and it sounds like you have none in him which I don't blame you.
 
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BabyLovesPrada responded:
Ok, I will try to restrain myself from what I would LIKE to say to you, but I have to ask, why are you staying with this immature, narcisistic, poor excuse for a man? While he may not be PHYSICALLY cheating, that you know of, he is spending waaaaaaay too much time thinging out all these other females. Is fantasy wrong? NO! Do I daydream about Christopher Meloni's rock hard abs and booty? :sheepish: Heck ya! but does that get in the way of my relationship with my spouse? NO! I am sorry, I do not feel that no matter what you do, this behavior will not stop. IMHO, If he is not physical with these woman, the sheer number of them tells me its more about the chase for him, the need to feel wanted by many woman, and I don't think anything will change unless he seeks thereapy and based on what you have said I am doubtfull he would persue it and as long as you put up with this and forgive him each and everytime it happens, he will never stop or awknowledge honestly that what he is doing is VERY inapproprioate......And I agree a locked cell phone, while it is suspicious is the least of your problems, GL to you, Again, this is my opinion, take it for what you will
 
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wwilson89 responded:
OMG! I thought I was the only one whose fantasy's Christopher Meloni visited. He's such an underrated sex symbol. Half the reason I watch SVU is to watch him chase people down the street and in hopes that there will be some reason for him to be topless. Be still my heart... :wink:
 
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BabyLovesPrada responded:
BACK OFF!!!! HE"S MINE!!!!!! :goofy: LOL OOOH what about the episode he was seperated from his wife and he went to her house at like 3 am to check on the kids b/c he had seen a bad crime involving kids and she was all, "come to bed" and he dropped trou- OMG :sheepish: Sorry, WWilson got me off the Topic!
 
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wwilson89 responded:
ACK! Favorite scene in t.v. history!!!! She ended up pregnant after that night didn't she? If I was his partner, I don't know if I'd be able to control myself.


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