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sex starved wife
An_214818 posted:
I'm 32 and my husband is 44 and it is like pulling teeth to get this man to want to have sex. We had a great sex life until 2 months into the marriage when he gave me herpes. I'm a very attractive woman and keep myself in good shape. I have my own business, however my husband is the primary breadwinner. We have a child on the way, the only one. I'm 5 1/2 months pregnant and thats pretty much the last time we had sex. I take good care of myself and physically there is nothing wrong with me. He engages in pornography when I'm not around and refuses to view it with me. I'm now at the end of my rope with this situation. My husband takes care of me also. Pays all the bills and is addicted to his job(s). He has low testosterone, hypothyroidism and is a work-aholic. Gets very angry and irritated when I bring up the option of getting checked out or even if I request we talk about the problem. I have no idea how to approach him any more and feel like divorce is eminent of I can't find a way to break through.
An_214819 responded:
Not very loving. He needs some therapy to save the marriage. I hope you had the herpes treated.

I continued to pleasure my wife until the last week of her pregnancy. No need to abstain, unless its uncomfortable.
Blake_Valentine responded:
First off, I feel badly for you being in this situation. Some questions: how long did you know him before you got married? How long have you been sexually active with him? Was the falloff in sexual interest sudden, and coincident with either the herpes out break or the pregnancy? Just grasping at straws since we only have a few sentences to go on, but I wonder if he feels guilty (or freaked out) by the herpes, or has some deep seated issues about your pregnancy. Is he excited about having a child, or is it more like, hey, I'm 44, a kid was not in the cards, it'll just be a distraction from work...

No matter what the root cause is, he has to be willing to empathize with you. A desire to view porn and exclude you tends to rule out low libido in my view. He needs counseling, but I know you've tried that to no avail. Keep talking to him. Ultimatums are never desirable and are even less so when you are almost 6 mo pregnant. Good luck; keep us posted.
Dick912 responded:
Have you tried to seduce him. I am not trying to be crude, but even if you are pregnant, you still can be naked and take matters into your hands/mouth. Sometimes men like to be taken by a woman.
FCL replied to Dick912's response:
It really doesn't sound as if the poster has a problem with her body (many women feel at their most "womanly" when they're pregnant ...) and it isn't her who doesn't want sex, it's him.

To OP - if he got his testosterone levels sorted out he may have more of a libido. However, if he explodes every time you try to discuss sex with him I doubt youi'll be able to convince him to see a doc about it.

Have you suggested counselling? I know you said he won't talk but ... if you put it to him that this is your last attempt to save your marriage it might just jolt some sense into him? In any case, I'd encourage you to go even if he won't go with you. It will help you sort out your thoughts and priorities.

Best wishes.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
kdub2678 replied to Blake_Valentine's response:
Hi, thanks for the reply- we actually got married quite quickly after we met. Only about 3 weeks. Fell in love and everything just seemed perfect and sex life was great too. The falloff occured right after I contracted the disease from him which was about 2 months later. He's given every excuse in the book about why he doesn't want to have sex, including being freaked out about making the herpes worse? I've only had the one outbreak in the beginning and it never happened again and it's been 1 year and 4 months. He also says the pregnancy freaks him out and that it's like someones watching us if we were to have sex. Honestly, I think there must be something going on guiltwise regarding what he must be doing behind my back sexually and he just doesn't want to go there. He is extremely excited about having the child.
kdub2678 replied to Dick912's response:
yes, I've even tried doing cybersex with him while he is away on the road with his other job and he was mildly interested. I couldn't believe how a guy could completely just have no desire like that. I know he watches porn online just through me asking and his own admission so why wouldn't he want to watch his own wife? I just don't get it
kdub2678 replied to FCL's response:
It will eventually come down to that if things don't improve after the baby. I refuse to have an affair and will probably just file for divorce if things don't change. Even having this disease, I'd rather open myself up to the possibility that someone may want me later on in life than live this one having no sex life.
kdub2678 replied to An_214819's response:
yes, I had it treated and no problems for well over a year.
Wish my husband realized the importance of pleasuring his wife and not just thinking about himself only. That's part of a healthy marriage isn't it?
FCL replied to kdub2678's response:
It sounds to me as if you have a level head and that you're doing everything you possibly can to save your marriage (do you know how many guys would love cybersex with their wives ... :) and watching porn together can be incredibly hot!). Just remember that if and when you give him an ultimatum that you will have to follow it through. I really hope it doesn't come to that though.

Wishing you well,

There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
BigBlu40 responded:
Obviously if he gave you herpes then he got it from someone outside of your relationship/a man who does that does not love you or have genuine concern for your child together considering the fact that, that is very harmful to your child. My advice; find yourself first, then find a new husband.
chocclatedyme responded:
first im a mother and i was married as well. you need to first think about your unborn child and make sure you and the baby is ok. next you need to ask your self if you want to continue to keep on dealing with the same mess. im sorry tht you r going through tht but it is time to make a change in your life.
Jaimarie_109 responded:
Wow, your husband is a bummer, excuse me for being honest, he gave you an std and your pregnant with his child...that not good at all, and maybe you should sit down and atleast try and talk to him about this situation....talking to each other about your differences can help alot, and I hope everything works out with you, keep us posted..
jai'marie :-)
Jaimarie_109 replied to chocclatedyme's response:
totally agree chocclatedyme...
BurgherBaby responded:
In this situation there is one of two things you can do you can leave him or stay with him and stop complaining you should of left him when he gave you herpes

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