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When will he agree to consumate?
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An_214851 posted:
I have been dating my boyfriend for 8 months now (we met on-line). I really like him, in fact have professed that I'm falling in love with him (he hasn't but is very affectionate and talks as if we'll be together for a very long time). He is shy, and cautious, and doesn't make an important decision until he's had plenty of time to think it over and weigh all sides. However, I'm getting tired of waiting on him for full penetration sex. He just keeps telling me, "I'm not ready." I feel like I've been totally open and made myself vulnerable, but he is still being shy about "sharing". What can I do? I try not to be pushy, but I'm not only getting impatient but also a little annoyed.
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FCL responded:
Have you asked him why he isn't ready for sex? Perhaps he only has sex with women tht he is in love with (as you mentioned that he hasn't saaid he loves you yet). Perhaps he believes that sex should be saved for after marriage. There must be a million reasons for him not to want to have sex right now but if you don't ask him why you may never know.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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An_214852 replied to FCL's response:
Thank you for your reply, FCL. Yes, I have asked him why he is not ready, and his reply is always something along the lines of: This is worth waiting for. He seems to think what we have is "big" yet he says that he doesn't have confidence in himself with regard to long-term relationships. I was married for 25 years. His longest-term relationship was 5 years. When I asked him early on: "Must we wait until the honeymoon?" He said, "Not that long!" This is all good news, I think, but still... HOW LONG MUST I WAIT?
 
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queston responded:
As a middle-aged man, my first thought here is that he may have some sexual performance/confidence issues. Perhaps he's worried that you'll be disappointed and he wants to make sure you've fully bought in to the relationship before showing his hand.
 
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Gary23V responded:
lay him down and get laid.
 
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longduckdong46 replied to Gary23V's response:
This is an unusual situation, as a general rule ( me included ), being a male, the urge is hard to overcome once ole mr. happy's brain takes control vs. the female who wants to be romanced over time before taking the plunge.
So I side with queston on this one as he may have some performance / confidence issues.
 
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Elle0317 replied to Gary23V's response:
You would not have written that response if the sexes were reversed.
 
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mariecc_14 responded:
LOL I think its funny people tend to think if a guy is hesitant towards a sexual relationship there must be something wrong with his performance or equitment. Just to play on another option i was raised in a very small religious community. a lot of guys i grew up with waited for marriage to have sex or waited for a very strong commited relationship. I would treat this as guys would treat a female who did not have sex. be patient and supportative. I know its hard when ur ready to go but ur partner says no but if this guy is worth it i would try to respect that. Just think when he finally says yes it will mean that much more to both of you.
 
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tlkittycat1968 responded:
Why is it okay if a woman wants to wait to have sex but if a guy wants to wait to have sex, something must be wrong?
 
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3point14 responded:
"He is shy, and cautious, and doesn't make an important decision until he's had plenty of time to think it over and weigh all sides."

In my opinion, those few sentences are probably the "why". You happen to be with someone who likes to take more time on things. Is he willing to satisfy you sexually without intercourse? Are you falling in love with him enough that you're willing to be patient?

I disagree that he's being shy about sharing, he's shared with you that he's a shy, cautious person who likes to weigh options more. People like this don't tend to rush into things like love and sex, and because he's told you about that side of his nature and is still getting to know you and treat you well, he is sharing. Just not having sex.

Why are you getting annoyed? I'm not trying to be combative, but is there a reason this is as annoying as it is for you? Does he tend to you sexually? Does he lead you on? Has his opinion wavered and then gone back? Or are you just getting sick of waiting? I hate to say it, but pace does play a huge role in relationships. Is his slowness and wanting to be sure going to annoy you further down the road? I mean, if this is getting annoying now, how will you feel if things keep building and he wants to take a loooot of time to say "i love you" or move in or take other steps to further intimacy?
 
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queston replied to tlkittycat1968's response:
FWIW, I didn't say something is wrong. I said "he MAY have some sexual confidence/performance issue..."

I was just throwing it out there as a possibility. The way the OP described it as "full penetration sex," I'm inferring that they're doing "everything else." To me, there no real meaningful distinction, in terms of commitment and emotional attachment, between bringing each other to orgasm manually and/or orally and full penetration sex. Why would grown adults do one but not the other? The performance angle is one possible explanation.

That's all.
 
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FCL replied to queston's response:
Let's be objective about this. The OP said she had been married for 25 years. So she's in her 40s (right?). That puts him about that age too. OK, so he may be a 40-50 year old virgin ... Even a 40-50 year old woman who decided to wait for sex (without giving any real reason) would seem a little unusual ...

Personally, I'm with Queston. There's nothing shameful about having sexual issues but not telling your partner about them is not right. If you have ED then TELL your partner about it. It's not going to go away on its own.

It's not fair to be stringing her along if you have real reasons not to want/bea able to have sex.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to wait to have sex but he needs to be upfront about the reasons why. How can you expect your partner to trust you if you put up a smokescreen every time you talk?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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Nibble818 replied to FCL's response:
Thanks for all of your replies. We are both in our 50s. I don't think it's a performance issue on his part. He seems to function just fine and we do practically everything else sexually other than penetration. However, there has been no oral and I don't expect there ever will be (I'm okay with that). When I said above that I'd made myself open and vulnerable to him, what I meant was that he's seen all of me; yes, he is very willing and able to satisfy me using manual techniques. He has not allowed me to bring him to orgasm (although I have asked) nor has he let me see him fully nude.

I tend to agree with 3point14 in that this man is very kind and affectionate. He implies with his words and actions that he is in this for the long haul. He talks about his past relationships where sex was good and played a large role. He tells me he far prefers partner sex to solo sex (at which is a regular).

I believe him and I trust him. Just, as I said above, am getting a little impatient for coitus to happen, which by the way is my very favorite way to orgasm. I've never been good at solo sex and was a late bloomer on that (started at about age 30). I've pulled back on our bedroom antics for the last two months, and he and I have had much discussion on this. I'd been having problems achieving orgasm on my own and thought it might be due to our sexual encounters. Sure enough, the solo sex has now gotten better for me since pulling back with him. I'm not saying this pulling back wasn't a strategy on my part to get him to agree to coitus. It probably was, but he has proven to be a very patient man.
 
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Nibble818 replied to FCL's response:
Thanks for all the great responses. We are both in our 50s. Yes, we are doing practically everything besides the full penetration. He is not into oral, but that's okay with me. He is very open about satisfying my needs and does this whenever I want. However, he's not yet willing to let me satisfy his needs. He is content with his masturbation schedule, which is fairly frequent.

Recently I've pulled back a bit, and we are doing more "first base, second base" stuff now, rather than him getting full into my stuff and my not being able to do the same for him. At first I thought this pulling back might work as a strategy to get him to want coitus sooner, but I've found him to be a very patient man. I'd been having a difficult time with my own masturbation since being with him, and now that I've pulled back from our mutual activities, I find my solo masturbation to be more satisfying, so this is a nice result for me. I need to be able to satisfy myself as we live in different cities and find ourselves apart more than together.

I do trust him, and I believe him when he tells me he has no performance issues. I asked him once, "Which do you prefer: solo or partner sex?" His answer, "No contest: partner sex." I am going to continue to try and be patient. I agree that this is something worth waiting for.
 
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An_214853 replied to Nibble818's response:
O man, I posted twice because I thought the first one was lost, then 10 hours later I tried to re-create it. Sheesh. Sorry about repeating myself, sort of.


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