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An_214933 posted:
Hi, I have been with my husband since 2002, recently I wanted to see what he does online and I saw he watches porn every night after I go to sleep, two nights in a row we had sex so I thought maybe he won't go to see these sites but he still goes, I afraid to talk about this with him cause he will say i spied on him so i don't know what to do, yesterday after we had sex, he said "2 nights in a row", i said " yes so you don't go to watch porn online" and he said " if he did watch porn he wouldn't have to have sex" so he is in complete denil, this morning i checked his computer and i saw he watched porn last night again after i went to sleep, i don't know what to do and i am so so sad about this, it is killing me.

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An_214934 responded:
Why is it bothering you? So he likes porn. Big deal.
 
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jensharp responded:
forget what that last person said and try not to feel shame arnd the comment that compulsive porn use is normal. its not. to the partner of someone who cant stop using porn, it is worse than actual cheating and is very traumatizing. the vow and trust is shattered.p porn teaches ppl how to b lousy lovers and out of tune to their partners, and the endorphines released from too much usage r more addictive than heroine. assuming u want feedback, be very careful abt how deep u dig, so that u dnt become obsessed or turn into a private detective. tell him directly how u feel and what u want. and please please no matter what he answers, noticeany defensiveness on his part, and make a call to a certified sex addiction therapist for yourself, so that u can ask ??s and see if u or your husband need further support. it absolutely destroys marriages, most offenders began addicted to porn, and with the intense graphics, pain infliction and focus on how much a woman can bear, as a mainstream pleasure trigger in the industry nowadays, its very important for u to protect yrself number one, and seek support now with the information u alrdy have, before u become co dependent on your partners behavior. u have a right to b heartbroken. its not your fault. nothing abt u isnt good enough. u cannot compete with a fantasy, nor do u want to try. i send condolences to u. some places to start, wld be googling certified addiction therapists and see if they have groups in your area for you....s anon meetings....books.... its no diff than cheating if he is beating off, it began compulsively looong before u came arnd and u cnt change yrself to control his choice. remember that. if u didnt know, than he has shame. try not to fix him or be enough to stop it. u r enough. be brave, say what the hell and look for support for his problem that is hurting u. decieved by claudia black, mending a shattered heart by stephanie carnes, r a cpl books that may help validate the pain u r experiencing, and will help u identify the cycle of searching through his computer that u wrote abt. they have resources in the back, and u may choose not to use these tools, but just check them out, a
 
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jensharp responded:
sorry abt the second post, my phone messed up and it lookd like the first one didnt post. i have dear frnds whos lives have been completely shattered by internet sexing, it really is a big deal, and i just want u to have tools to get more info to see if that fits what u r dealing with or not, before u hurt yrslf with more hunting on what he is doing. goodnight. best regards
 
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An_214935 replied to jensharp's response:
Internet sex??? Really???

*Sigh*

He's not hurting anything by watching a porno. And the amount he is watching it is in no way compulsive. If he were sitting at the computer for hours everyday...then it could be considered compulsive.

Get over it. Or join him. It might lead to having sex with him or discovering a new position.

It's really not a big deal. The thing that is a big deal is her snooping around on him. What's up with that?
 
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sandyloulou replied to An_214935's response:
i replied but message got deleted, all morning i tried to install a key logger but was not able to, he caught me on his computer so i found an excuse but i know that he knows that i know something is up so he is carreful now, last night i slept on the couch til he went to sleep, he asked why i don't go to bed, we don't sleep in same bedroom since 2005 cause i snored and so that doesn't help so since last night i go to sleep in his bed, i don't care if i snore or else, i am doing same today, waiting on the couch that he goes to bed, i don't know how to talk about this with him really, cause it will be another fight as you all say. thanks a lot for the replies, i really appreciate you message Jensharp, i will look for a therapist for myself at least and books, thank you so much, i should have thought of this but right now i feel in shock, last night my husband said i got up in middle of the night and asked where i was and who he was, i am going crazy i think, cannot eat or sleep, thanks a lot, you are the best, i now see clearer, i feel better too about myself, i don't have to accept that. My husband refused to see a marriage conselor years ago when i suggested to cause we argueed and i know for sure he won't go to sex therapist but i will go myself. thx again.
 
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sandyloulou replied to jensharp's response:
thx for both of your messages Jensharp,
 
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FCL responded:
My first question is - are your sexual needs being met? If they are, can you explain to me exactly what it is about porn that you find objectionable? If they are not, do you think he is using porn as a substitute for sex? I mean, do you think you'd get more sex if he stopped viewing porn?

What I see as a huge red flag is that you both seem to have a communication problem. Why can't you discuss this with him? He isn't hiding what he's doing, is he? You've already admitted that you know he views porn online so why not bring it up to him calmly, without making accusations in a fairly neutral setting (like over dinner or something, anywhere as long as it isn't in the bedroom). Without getting heated about it, tell him what you dislike about porn, how it makes you feel ... Yelling and shouting hasn't worked but perhaps a calm discussion might.

If I were you, I'd consider counselling. You need to work through all of these issues because it is making you sick. Counselling will also help you learn to communicate effectively. Good communication is the very foundation of a good relationship.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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FCL replied to jensharp's response:
There is NO WAY on this EARTH that watching porn could be worse than being cheated on!
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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FCL replied to FCL's response:
"Good communication is the very foundation of a good relationship."


And trust is the mortar that holds it together. Please stop trying to catch him out ... talk to him. By snooping on his computer you are betraying his trust. You have to get this out in the open rather than going behind his back.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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Emma_WebMD_Staff responded:
Hi Anon,

I happen to agree with FCL. Porn shouldn't force you to become a detective. If you feel uncomfortable with him watching Pornography, it would probably be best if you would sit down and discuss it with him. I am not sure, from your posts, if you have told him it makes you feel uncomfortable. Instead of trying to catch him doing it. Start off with a discussion about how it makes you feel. Really the best relationships are ones where you can discuss anything even when it's uncomfortable.

Good luck and let us know how it all goes!
Emma
 
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3point14 replied to jensharp's response:
Most sex offenders watch porn? Actually, statistically, in areas where there is more access to porn and sex workers, rape and sexual attacks go down, because other outlets are being used to satisfy sexual frustration.



And if you're watching porn with intense graphics, violence, and female degradation, you're watching some pretty messed up stuff. The porn that I've seen typically involves, uhm, attractive people having sex. Some people might argue that some of those people don't "want" to be in porn. Well, I don't "want" to do my job every day, but that has yet to stop me from catching my checks.

You equate masturbation to cheating? Well, nobody's ever gotten an STD or impregnated someone from masturbation.

To the OP, do you have a problem with masturbation or pornography? Is your husband looking at anything illegal? Are you sexually satisfied in your relationship?
 
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sandyloulou replied to 3point14's response:
Hi thank you for your replies. yes that is right, I should talk to him, i don't know how, i am afraid he will say i spied, for the therapy he doesn't want to go, we have problems for several years and he said that i have the pb and not him so he won't go to counceling, now i won't add the keylogger but i will keep checking his history until i find a way to talk to him about this, i stayed up like a dog waiting for him to go cause i didn't want the stress this morning to see those sites on his history, you are right it is childish, it makes me sad he does that cause when i want to have sex he says that the weed makes him not to want sex so we have sex like once per month, these sites make me feel that i am not good enough, not like he wants me to be, like he wants something else, i am not sure what to say more than that, i don't feel satisfied with the sex with have, once per month, come on, i believed what he said about weed making him not horny and that is not true as he watches porn, thank you all for your feedbacks, i really appreciate that.
 
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An_214936 replied to sandyloulou's response:
also he used to say i am fat, i lost a lot of weight lately cause of the fights we have, but still i don't think i am the way he wants, i think he wants me to be like the porn things eventhough last year i bought sexy lingerie, i think it is not enough.
 
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FCL replied to An_214936's response:
PLEASE go to counselling ... You need to learn that perfection is not standard, that he is not watching porn because of your perceived imperfections, that you hare letting this eat you up when you don't have to, that you need to learn to talk to him rather than try to control his life ... Oh goodness, you are making yourself sick all by yourself, honey ... You are torturing yourself and this could kill your marriage... Please make an appointment today - for you and for both of you if he will go... Yes, he refused years ago but nothing is set in stone...
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.


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