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Takes A LONG TIME to reach orgasm! Help!
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shygal2007 posted:
Hey all, I am in serious need of some help!



My boyfriend and I have been together for about nine months now. He's the most amazing man I've ever met and everything is just about perfect... except for the sex.


In the beginning everything was awesome. We have, and still have, amazing chemistry and were always in sync. Even now I can't remember the last time I didn't orgasm. He's incredible. The problem started a few months ago, around the time we moved in together (not sure if that's relevant, but there it is). The start of sex was still amazing. He's still passionate and attentive and everything is great up until I reach orgasm. Then, lately, everything changes. It takes FOREVER for him to come. I'm talking like an additional 30 minutes or so AFTER I have already reached orgasm. And during that time he seems to get more and more detached from me. It's like he has to concentrate really hard in order to make it. He doesn't look at me, touch or kiss me without initiation, he just kind of shuts his eyes and barrels into me.



I know I should consider myself lucky that not only do I have a guy who has no problems getting it up, but makes sure I orgasm every time. But after a while the sex begins to really irritate me physically to the point where it's painful. I usually literally have to grit my teeth and any noise I make is associated with pain, not pleasure. But he's concentrating so hard he doesn't even notice. On top of all of this, I have a pretty small, tight vagina. Without regular sex to keep me loosened up the beginning of every encounter feels like the first time all over again. This wasn't really a problem in the past, as we were having great sex pretty much every day. But now I find myself avoiding it altogether because the whole experience has become so unpleasant. So when we do have sex, it takes a while for me to really enjoy it to begin with, then I get my little spurt of pleasure, and subsequently spend the next half hour trying not to cry from the pain.


I've tried to talk to him about it. He said he had noticed it too, that he thinks that maybe it's from the stress of fighting. I kind of feel like that's a cop-out, that he doesn't really know why it happens or is embarrassed to talk about it and just says that to end the conversation, because we really don't fight very often, and there doesn't seem to be a connection between big fights and bad sex. It's pretty much just across the bored bad, no matter how long it's been since an argument... at least for me.


So what do I do? Has anyone heard of a condition that sounds like what he is experiencing that can be treated? Or a trick I can use to get him off faster? He does seem to orgasm faster by oral sex. I'll try anything to be in sync with him again. I'm desperate! And I can tell he's feeling weird about it too. I don't want to loose the man of my dreams to this!


Please help!
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queston responded:
Is he on any medications? Several, especially SSRI-class antidepressants, can lead to this problem.

Stress can definitely effect sexual performance, for both men and women, in various ways.

You could try a variety of ways to stimulate him (hands, mouth, intercourse) and alternate so that no single way leads to so much fatigue and discomfort.

Have you told him flat out that it stops being enjoyable for you after a certain point? Men have been conditioned to think that lasting longer is always better. Maybe if he gives himself permission to come sooner without feeling like he's somehow failing, that might help.

Does having sex less frequently (as you've apparently been doing) have any effect? Do you know of he masturbates? If he does, maybe he should try not masturbating at all for a while and see if that helps him not last so long during partnered sex.
 
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tennis1905 responded:
Hey,

I wish I had help to offer, but I can offer sympathy - my husband has the same issue (at one stage it used to take 3-4 hours for him to orgasm, if then). Like your guy, he's wonderful in all other ways (we've been married for over 10 years) and very good at bringing me to orgasm.

My advice would be to try talk to him very honestly at a time when you're both feeling relaxed, and tell him how much this is affecting you. The fact that it wasn't always this way but now is indicates that something has changed for him - my husband was always this way, to a greater or lesser degree. Don't just let this go, though...it's too important.

Good luck, and wish I could be of more help!
 
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georgiagail replied to tennis1905's response:
There is nothing wrong medically with your partner.

Early on in a relationship the chemicals in the brain that excite us each time we think of or are in contact with our partner often heightens sexual desire and makes it easier to orgasm.

These neurotransmitters tend to level out as time passes (it is impossible for them to remain at the same peak they were early into a relationship) and it is not unusual that achieving an orgasm takes more time and work.

This is what is happening with your partner. He is trying his best to reach an orgasm (thus his need to concentrate) and, unfortunately, the knowledge that you now believe this is a problem is likely to increase his stress, making it more difficult for him to reach this goal.

If oral sex helps reach this goal faster, concentrate on that.

Gail


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