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Advice needed (long, sorry!)
tennis1905 posted:
My husband and I have been married for over 10 years. Sex between us was always a bit of a problem - he has a lower sex drive than I do, and has always had difficulty maintaining an erection (and difficulty climaxing). Things have improved over the years, to the point where we can generally both climax. He has particular fetishes which up until recently I have indulged him in, even though they do nothing for me, as it seemed like the only way in which he could climax. Tied in with this is the fact that we've been trying to have children for many years, so him climaxing is important!

It was taking more and more of the fetish to achieve climax, to the point where I became uncomfortable (it was never dangerous to either of us). I said so, and he said that he would like to stop and be able to have "normal" sex. We agreed to do that, but twice since then I have found that he has been downloading fetish porn. He doesn't want to see a counsellor or doctor, and he still claims he wants to give up, but now we hardly have sex at all, and its more awkward than ever.

I have recently realised that I've never been emotionally connected when we have sex, although I'm fortunate in that I can get physical pleasure out of it regardless of this. This being the case, should I let him continue with his fetish (and continue our role playing) so that we can at least have sex at all, and he can enjoy it? If I'm not going to be emotionally connected anyway, does it matter that I'm doing things that I don't particularly enjoy? The fact that he keeps turning to porn if I don't satisfy his fetish is very hurtful.

In other ways he is a wonderful man, very loving and affectionate, and I feel guilty that that doesn't seem to be enough for me.

Thanks for reading....any advice would be most welcome.
Dick912 responded:
What exactly is his fetish? Maybe you should buy into whatever he wants and see what comes of it.
tennis1905 replied to Dick912's response:
Thanks for the response.
It's's all to do with him being female, mock violence (slapping / punching, but not to cause injury), verbal abuse, him performing oral's a lot to do with me dominating him. I have bought into it for a long time, but the problem is that he builds up tolerance to it, and so it has to get more extreme (and requires more active participation from me) each time. I think he's basically (subconsciously) programmed himself so that this is the only thing that stimulates him. He says he wants to reprogramme himself, but as I say the results of that so far is that we have much less sex and he masturbates to fetish porn instead...
BalconyBelle replied to tennis1905's response:
There is a difference between him 'being female' and him being the submissive male to a Dominant female in an S&M relationship. Even with most drag queens, it's the feminization that's important, they don't want to actually BE female.

Is it possible that's he's having a gender identity/sexuality crisis, and his fetish is the way he expresses it? That might be one explanation for why his dependence has increased over the years.
Elle0317 replied to BalconyBelle's response:
Spot on. A submissive man isn't equal to him wanting to be a woman.

To the OP: I hope you really don't think that a characteristic of a female is being subjected to beatings & verbal abuse, that would a charateristic of a masochist. Masochists come in both genders.
tennis1905 replied to BalconyBelle's response:
Thanks for the responses - sorry for being unclear. I know there is a difference, and I don't at all think that masochism is a female only trait. What I mean is that he likes to pretend that he is a female who is undergoing physical / verbal abuse.

I have wondered about the gender / sexuality issue before, and we have talked about it several times, but he thinks that is not the case - that he doesn't actually want to be female. I don't know if that's entirely true, but as he doesn't want to discuss / explore any of this with a counsellor or someone else, it's hard to see what the next step should be.

Helpful Tips

Difficulty having an orgasm?Expert
Try reading Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women by Julia Heiman , Joseph Ph.D. LoPiccolo and David ... More
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