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just a question
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An_215074 posted:
I was married for over 10 yrs and new to the single scene and i have kids i do date but have not let my kids meet anyone yet.

I am having issues saying NO to these guys sometimes its like I lose all inhibitions and get froggy when i barely know them we tend to talk for a while then meet then either first date or second date stuff happens I tell myslef over and over i wont do it with this one but then I do anyways I feel aweful the next day I don't want to be a slut
I miss the intmacy that you have with marriage i guess but anyways how long should a gal date/talk with a guy before the next level happens whats appropiate ???/ I dont want to be slutty I want to find the ONE and how will I know he is the one without doing that

PS its only happened with 2 guys in last 6 + months and i kept seeing the first guy for 2 months but then we split and now i went out with a new guy and it happened will it happening to fast be a cause of failure in a relationship?

~~~Just confused~~~ wanting to know what guys and girls think about this PLEASE
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talanaa2 responded:
How long did you wait after the divorce to start dating? It sounds like there may be some emotional attachments to your ex that you may not fully realize you still have. I do understand the whole missing the intimacy that you had with your ex. The only way I was able to stop sleeping with every date was to stop dating for close to a year. It took me that long to realize I didn't need that intimacy/sex to date someone. And that I would be OK without that part of a relationship. I still wanted sex, but I knew I did not need it to feel OK.
Maybe try and take a step away from dating and see a therapist to help you work through the intimacy issues. The most fun I had going out was when I was not dating anyone because there was no expectation of having sex. Most big cities have singles groups that meet for activities rather than dates. Also try meetup.com. You can enter your zip code to see what is in your area. There are a variety of groups on that site; everything from meditation groups, wine tasting groups as well as divorced parent/child activity groups. Most groups are free or you pay for your self at the activity.

I hope this helps.
 
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jjchosenjj responded:
This is only from my perspective as a man. If a female gives up the goodies on a first or second date i lose a lil bit of respect for her. Atleast in regard to knowing that shes not someone that i would consider getting into a serious relationship with. Reason being is that I couldnt help but to think that she is like that w most of the men she comes across,therefore making her easy. Wouldnt want to be w someone when in the back of my mind im worried if will run into past hook ups all the time. Id continue to date her, maybe even for a extended period of time, but wouldnt let it get any further than that. Sometimes it happens though, especially if theres some real chemistry. In my opinion, waitin a good 2 or 3 weeks, after a handfull of dates and her tellin me no a couple of times. that would make me want and respect her more.
 
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SC_Cat replied to jjchosenjj's response:
I absolutely hate when a guy makes comments like this... that you lose respect for the girl... If that is how you feel, than why do you ask?? Don't you have more respect for yourself then putting her in a position like this...

OP... You need to figure out what is best for you and what you want in your life... If you just want some play time then what you are doing is fine... But if you want a real relationship then you to back up and change some things... JMHO...
 
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Elle0317 replied to jjchosenjj's response:
So, do you lose self-respect when you sleep with a woman on the first or second date? What's the difference? And like SC_Cat said why would you ask the woman to sleep with you so soon, if you are only going to lose respect for her if she falls for it? Sounds like you don't respect women at all.

To the OP: It sounds like you are confusing emotional intimacy with sexual (physical) intimacy. Focus on what you really want and try not to confuse the two when the heat starts to fog your head.
 
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An_215075 replied to talanaa2's response:
we split up in Dec. 2009. i did have a rebound boyfriend in early 2010 and ended up pregnant and that guy i had known since middle school and he ran away and yes i do have issues. I did spend my pregnancy alone and thinking alot about what i wanted from life and how i had ended up where i was. after my little one was born i did start going on a few dates and i have not gave it up on the firsdt date with them all but ther is a couple times i did and the last time was a wake up call i guess i realaized a pattern was starting. I have found a group meeting / activity that meets every other weekend and so far i have been twice and you are so right it is so great to hang out and have something to do and talk and make friends and there is nothing going to happen i will regret the next day its just an ascape no dating some singles some not its not really disscussed everyone just hanging out and doing activties. it's nice and I know i miss the man i married but he doesn't exist anymore he completely changed and i am sure i have too.
I noticed myself with the last guy i went out with i told him no i wasn't gonna do that and he kept bugging me and i caved i'm stupid at times and i lost respect for him to a great deal because he kept bugging me I will not let myself be put in that situation again and i didn't expect him to call or text the next day but even if he had i made up my mind i couldn't talk to him anymore. I am gonna slow it down and make some friends first and learn to control impulses I do appreciate all the feedback and welcome anymore that comes its great to have place to ask these things THANK YOU all for your honesty
 
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An_215076 replied to jjchosenjj's response:
SUCH A DOUBLE STANDARD. No offense, but it's ok for you to engage in a first date and you still maintain all your self respect, but not ok for the woman? Wow!

I think if you had any respect for the woman, you would not be the instigator of sexual activity on the first date. And, if she is the instigator, I would think you would respect her enough to say...thanks I'm flattered, but I dont do that on the first date.

All I can say is WOW.
 
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Retiredin2000 responded:
I think a mature man or woman should be true to themselves. (Not teens) If you are a person who believes sex is important in your life and/or relationship, then you should act accordingly. If you don't like sex, don't have sex. If you like sex, have sex.
When I met my wife it was love at first date. We were mature (40s) and I was totally won over. I told myself I would not pressure her for anything, she was too important to me. Well, five days later she invited me to stay the night and wow, talk about a night to remember....
What did I think the next morning as I was driving home to change and go to work? Well, first it was WOW, and second it was how am I going to stay awake at work....
To make a long story short, we are heading toward 20 years of marriage and it is still like a honeymoon. I have to say that you should be true to yourself, if you like sex, then go for it. If you don't, don't. You need to find a man who is compatable with you and your desires. (You also have kids to consider.)
No easy answer, but don't play games.
 
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jjchosenjj replied to An_215076's response:
You three are pretty funny. First, there is no "double standard" I always feel ashamed about sleeping w someone sooner than should be. I may get over it quickly too, but none the less, I feel ashamed. Sometimes the moment and urge or need takes over for 2 people. It happens. Secondly, and this is just for me and how I work, but, I have to test a woman. I meet so many women where I work and there are some that i would consider dating. But instead of rolling up on them right away. i sit back and see if they play themselves out. Lots of them end up sleepin w dirty @$$ dudes where I work. And I say to myself," thank God i didnt try to get w that,Shes a Ho" And I never woulda known, I def dont wanna be w a woman that sleeps around alot and not have a clue as to what she woulda been doin if I hadnt jumped the gun on her. The other thing is, in my encounters being younger, alot of woman be on some low down shadyness. So knowing this first hand, I have to test a woman and see if she'll give it up easy. Its not about me not respecting her as some of you said. Its about seeing if they respect themselves. If they dont accept my advances i respect them more. Losing a lil respect for someone and not respecting them at all are two entirely different things. Its crazy how some people read into things what they want or just flat out put words in someones mouth.And I know a reply might be that a woman doesnt want a man that has been around a lot either. I think thats crap.........most women deep down want that man thats good looking, has a nice build, good job, quality character, cultured and someone that all the other women desire after. They want to "tame them and claim them" as a trophy. Stop frontin like theres not some women that be on the trophy man thing like some guys do with yall. Sorry, if I beleive a woman should be chased.
 
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mariecc_14 replied to jjchosenjj's response:
If they dont accept my advances i respect them more.

That is really sad. Has it ever occured to you thats why the good women aren't interested and your attracting the women you don't want? And also the women who want to be chased do not want something everyone has already had,thanks to these "testing methods"
 
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Lovemyhub responded:
I just don't get all the game playing crap. Why not be honest, sincere and open about how you do and don't feel about things right up front from the get go? It would cut through a lot of the bull. Life is too short.
 
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jjchosenjj replied to Lovemyhub's response:
Im in my early 30s and have been in three serious relationshipw with "good women". So I wouldnt say that Im not attracting them. There just isnt as many "good women" or men for that matter out there. That may seem like a "sad" thing to say, but the truth of the matter is the society we live in today is very self oriented and peoples so called moral values usually sway with the wind when it comes down to those morals fighting against there own wants or so called "needs". You can be honest with someone about what you want or expect in a relationship. In my experiences lots of people will portray themselves to have similiar beliefs in a relationship because they know thats what the other person wants to hear. Only then, several months down the rd. you see that based on the indidviduals actions that what they claimed they believed wasnt actually true and they were just telling you what you wanted to hear. So, when someone says "why play games"? Unfortunately, sometimes you have to "test someone" to see if there actions go along with there word. It would be nice if we didnt live in a society where people say one thing and really hide parts of who they really are. Maybe if that wasnt the case......some people wouldnt "play games" as you like to say. I dont think of it as playing games. Im honest and truthfull about myself and my expectations but, I beleive you have to test or challenge peoples words to see if they're real.
 
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bob249 responded:
In general, meaning for the majority but not all,

men Initially want to get to sex

women want to feel loved, wanted and secure.

When men are able to obtain sex early on,
they don't have to think about whether she is "The One".

That is the result of testosterone motivation -
men have more of it, women less.

When a man feels negatively about a woman because
she had sex with him on a first or second date,
it's most likely the result of what he learned from
his mother. I.E., she rarely, if ever, initiated sex with
his father. He wrongly concluded that women do
not get horny and she was ALLOWING his father to
have sex with her.

That causes problems illustrated here.

For me, the most important considerations
when sex occurs early on are:

1. Did we discuss STD's and when we were last tested?

2. Did she insist on birth control first, or did I?

If she's unconcerned about catching or spreading a
potentially fatal disease, I lose interest - INSTANTLY.

If she is willing to possibly conceive without really
knowing the baby's father, I lose interest.

Lovemaking CAN result from sex.

62 YO
 
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Ms_Candy804 responded:
I think that you should give yourself some time to be on your own. If you are having a hard time sayingn no, then thats an indication that you are still vulnerable to mishap. Lets yourself breath for a moment; and when you want to date give yourself a chance to get to know the guy first. Once you truly feel comfortable then you can see where it goes.


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