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How come whenever I look up low sex-drive, it always relates to men?
An_215295 posted:
I am a 30 year old woman with zero sex drive. To be honest, I've never had one. I wish I did. I hear all my friends joke about their "needs". I haven't a clue what they're talking about. My husband and I rarely have sex. Whenever I look up info on how to solve this, it always relates to men, or people who's sex-drives have recently diminished. What can I do or take for that matter to increase mine and better my marriage?

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dfgbull; responded:
How are you defining sex drive? Frequently women don't crave sex like men, but when they respond to their man's advances, they find sex very enjoyable. Men are wired to crave sex because of testosterone in their system. Women have much less testosterone in their systems. If you are waiting until you feel a craving for sex, that may never happen. As an "experiment" try responding when he initiates, and see if you find it enjoyable. Also, occasionally testosterone supplements may be helpful (talk to your Dr.). The fact that you way to change the way things are is a very positive factor. Hang in there. Good luck.
MissChooChoo responded:
I shut down after I was divorced, about 30 years ago. I'm now 64, and am discovering the joys of sex and a man again. I had made myself shut down, because masterbating myself just wasn't much fun after being with a man, and I used to get terrible headaches too. After doing Kegel exercises for incontinence (peeing when I sneezed or coughed), I got really turned on. But then I found that using a dildo was impossible because I had developed vaginismus (the vagina slams shut to any penetration, causing pain). I then went on a personal quest to solve that by using vaginal dilators. (I was mainly concerned about being able to get a pap smear without a lot of pain -- something I hadn't done for years for fear of the pain.) Now I'm able to handle a penis or a g-spot vibrator, and I'm alive again. You might try Kegel exercises, but I really encourage you to see your doctor for advice on this. Also, the fact that your hubby doesn't seem to desire sex either might mean that he needs some help from the doc too. I've found that men really want to please us, but sometimes their soul has been crushed (sometimes inadvertently) by us criticizing them. "Men need respect and women need love" basically says it. Give your man respect (it may take a while) and he will love you for it and show you by desiring sex with you. Good luck, and hope this helps!
queston replied to MissChooChoo's response:
"Men need respect and women need love"

MissChooChoo, I think this is so right. (In many cases, anyway. Obviously no generality will apply to everyone.)

My wife and I have had some serious marital problems that we are trying to work through. We've recently been talking about what makes us feel loved, makes us have good feelings about our spouse, fills our tank, to use Gary Chapman's language.

For her, it is what most people would call expression of love: physical affection, saying "I love you" or complimenting her outfit or whatever.

For me, what I came up with that "fills my tank" is feeling valued and respected.

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