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marriage and anal sex
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JR1978_ posted:
My wife & I have been married for over 9 years. Before we got married we had an amazing sex life that included a lot of oral sex. My wife, then girlfriend, never allowed me to give her oral though tried. She gave it to me though. When I brought up anal sex her refusal was so adamant that I assumed she was either completely disgusted by the idea or had a really horrible experience with it. I never brought it up again.
So, life went on, we got married, oral sex went out the window, and normal sex withered away to nearly nothing.
In a recent fight, my wife confessed that she had anal sex with someone before me and that she liked it. A point she repeated even after she wasn't angry anymore. This revelation had the effect of simultaneously enraging me with jealousy and reinvigorating our sex life because of how much I want anal sex with her. I mean while I was hurt that she refused me, I felt like OMG I have a woman who enjoys anal.
But, apparenty, she doesn't want it with me. She enjoyed it with some guy she refers to as an old f-buddy but not her long-time husband.
It's driving me crazy. Any little thing I do or have done to be a good husband makes me feel like- I'm good enough to do the dishes but for anal sex, etc. I can take care of her after surgery last year and give anything she asks for but only her f-buddy got anal, not me.
I know it's ridiculous, it happened in the past before we even met but it kills me.
She knows that her confession is what reignited my passion for her but if I bring up anal sex, she explodes and says she's never doing it with me and that I need to get over it because it's not happening.
I was fine with no anal when I thought it was either too painful or gross to her. But knowing she ENJOYED with someone else makes the rejection feel very personal.
I refuse to be the kind of loser who would leave his wife over something as petty as this but it is affecting me, our relationship, and even my work as I can't stop obsessing over it. Not just wanting it but the whole- some other guy was good enough but not me- part of it.
Is it me am I selfish for wanting it, she's said things like it's not even a big deal so I don't understand why the refusal with me.
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georgiagail responded:
Quite frankly, you might consider some counseling to help you put all of this in perspective.

In fact, from your description, the two of you appear to have a marriage that is dying on the vine sexually. Couples sexual therapy counseling may be the only out to save this marriage.

Gail
 
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Jumper197074857 replied to georgiagail's response:
I agree but marriage counseling as a whole I think is needed more than just couples sexual therapy. It sounds like there are some other underlying issues (i.e. lack of emotional connection?) that need to be addressed.
 
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3point14 responded:
Has she told you why? If not, have you asked her why she won't with you?
 
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naggingwife74 replied to 3point14's response:
I wonder this as well. Why don't you ask her why she doesn't want to do it when she says she use to like it.

While you're at it, I would also ask her why she would bring up past sexual experiences in a fight and then continue to do so after the fight was over. Is that something that is normal in your fights? Have you talked about your past experiences with her? Have you told her about a past girlfriend that use to let you give her oral since your wife won't? Seems like that is the door she is opening by saying what she said.

She enjoyed it with some guy she refers to as an old f-buddy but not her long-time husband. This statement that you made pretty much gives you your answer. She did it with someone that she had no feelings or future with. She doesn't see anal sex as a way to connect in love making or a marriage. I believe you are seeing this as a lack of love or affection for you when I clearly see it as her saying she has much more love, respect and affection for you then some random guy she was sleeping with.
"The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has occurred -George Bernard Shaw
 
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An_215353 responded:
hi jr 1978...if u like to know what i think about this..first dont waste your time and money going to see no marriage counseler becase even if u get it off ur chest it is going too still be in ur system and going to come up at every you look at her...it in burning you up inside now thinking about why she dont want too have anal sex with you ...now hardly no sex at all ..yes your marriage is going down hill..no matter what happenes she is not going to tell u and ...after u got married she even stopped oral sex..man o man..you the one that has to live with it so i wish you the best of luck.....
 
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Debby Herbenick, PhD, MPH responded:
I'm sorry to hear about the sexual and marital issues that you and your wife are having. It may help to take a step back and consider that although you feel this is about anal sex, she may not. There may be a number of reasons that she doesn't have anal sex, even though she enjoyed it at one time with a former partner. Her body image may be different all these years later and she may not feel positive about her butt in a sexual way (I've heard this from many women). Or she may have tried it in a drunked or highly aroused capacity, but perhaps doesn't feel she would normally be into it. She may feel it's wrong in some way, and chalk it up to just something that she did once or twice with a former partner.

Your obsessing over this, as you said, isn't helping. Sometimes we all, as humans, can get stuck with our mental thoughts that make us feel worse and worse about someone else, or about ourselves. Lines like "I'm good enough to do the dishes but not for anal" suggest to me that you're beating yourself up over this, and also building resentment, through your train of thoughts.

I would highly recommend meeting with a marriage counselor or sex therapist about this issue - you can find one at apa.org or sstarnet.org. Recently I wrote a guide to anal pleasuring (including anal sex, but also related to fingering and sex toys, etc) that you can find for download on Amazon or GoodinBed.com - it's called the Good in Bed Guide to Anal Pleasuring. I mention this because there are significant sections of this guide that deal with reasons why people do, or don't, want to engage in anal play; ways to communicate with a partner about it; and if and only if both partners are into it, how to get into it slowly and pleasurably, which can mean starting with fingering or anal rimming rather than penile-anal sex.

I hope this helps.

Best,
Debby Herbenick, PhD
 
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mrmosk responded:
Man o' manishevitz are you in a pickle.

Honestly, I wouldn't listen to any woman leaving a reply on this because they just don't get it. They just don't freaking get it if you ask me.

I just broke up with my girlfriend after 1.5 years and she used to be the horniest girl in the entire world... before me. She had f-buddies, a pseudo-threesome with 2 guys, and casual sex up the wazoo. Then I come along and give her the prospect of love, and all her sexual desire goes right out the window. Meanwhile, I lived with the knowledge that she used to be the horniest girl in the world, all for guys who didn't spend $1 on her. Like you, I had done the dishes, cooked, cleaned, ran errands, did everything for her, and at the end of the night... too tired.

I know I sound like a bitter, resentful person, but the point is, is that I never was able to get this information out of my head. I need to tell women like on the 2nd date, "Never tell me anything sexual about your ex's." It's just information that serves no purpose.

So now while you do everything you can to make her happy, you feel that she won't do anything to make you happy. And the fact that she let some guy who didn't give 2 craps about her have anal sex with her and you're the one who gave her love and she won't do that with you? Oh why doesn't she just slice your balls off and serve them to you for dinner?

Bro, between you and me, just cheat on her with someone else... married or single. Act out all your wildest fantasies with whoever you want to, not your wife, because she's not interested in that with you. If she ever finds out you're cheating, tell her thank you for having anal sex with you, since you asked for it and she refused. That's my advice, from a guy in your exact shoes.

Oh, and I did the whole counseling thing. Read "Mating in Captivity" and start mis-treating your wife. Stop doing anything for her - she'll get mad at you and call you an a-hole and she won't be happy and you'll feel the urge to comply by being a nice guy, but if you stick to your guns maybe she'll find you sexually appealing... or maybe she'll just leave. Either way it sounds like she'd be doing you a favor.

Your woman loved anal sex with a f-buddy and won't do it with you. Oh just move out right now. How any guy could live with this information is beyond me.
 
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georgiagail replied to mrmosk's response:
It is recommended that you ignore the very foolish advice posted before this posting. This is written by someone who is obviously quite bitter over his breakup.

This is your wife, not some year and half girlfriend. You two owe it to each other to put more effort into saving your marriage that running out and cheating with anything that walks.

That is, unless you no longer wish to put any effort into this marriage.

Gail
 
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An_215354 replied to georgiagail's response:
in a way i agree with what mrmosk said..you have to have been thru it too really understand ...everyone can always be on the outside looking in ..you can never tell what is going on behind closed doors in no ones else house..no matter how many doctors u see ..2 sides to every story...it is always going to be stuck in his head that she had sex with a f buddy and not with her hubby...if he keeps thinking about it he will go find it somewhere else tooo please that desire he has burning in his pants...had a few ladies that look elseware for geting oral sex because bf or hubby did not like going down ..
 
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elle0317 replied to An_215354's response:
Well, they way I see it is if a marriage is hinging on whether or not the man is getting anal sex, then there isn't much a marriage to begin with. In your vows, did she promise the give you anal sex?? So, why is this becoming a rift in your marriage now? Is anal that big of a deal to you? If so, then you should have discussed this issue before you got married.

By the way you wrote your first post it sounds like to me she said that to make you mad, it was during an argument, was it not? Maybe she is playing head games or trying to manipulate you, we don't know. I myself enjoy anal sex and my fiance and I do fairly regularily, so it would make sense to me that if she did enjoy it then she would continue doing it. That's why I'm thinking she may have said that to get a dig in/low blow and guess what it's working, b/c it's eating you right up.
 
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mrmosk responded:
You wrote:
She knows that her confession is what reignited my passion for her but if I bring up anal sex, she explodes and says she's never doing it with me and that I need to get over it because it's not happening.

It sounds like you have a VERY selfish and self-centered woman on your hands. Is she an only child? Did she date a lot of jerks before you? Is she turned on more by the forbidden (i.e. movies about affairs) than being in a stable and secure relationship with you?

You wrote:
I refuse to be the kind of loser who would leave his wife over something as petty as this but it is affecting me, our relationship, and even my work as I can't stop obsessing over it.

You should probably join Experience Project and post this there. You will find many forums and many members who will respond to you. What you are going through is not crazy. Again, women just don't get it. They are the emotional ones, not the rational ones. They think, "Oh that's in the past" and "he didn't mean anything" and "you need counseling" but they just don't get the heart of the issue. It's being demeaned it's feeling unmanly it's feeling worthless. No counseling is going to help that. It's like getting slapped in the face by your parent and then going to counseling because it's your fault for making your parent slap you. I'm telling you, man, if you're anything like me this will eat at your for a long, long time. Or maybe not, everyone is different.

And what Debby, the "expert" wrote below is probably the worst comment out of everyone who has posted. She sounds like a Dr. saying "take 2 tylenol and call me in the morning." No Debby, we don't need tylenol, we need poison control!
 
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mrmosk replied to georgiagail's response:
As I see it the wife is putting no effort into this marriage because she is making her 9-year husband feel like a completely worthless individual. The guy devotes his entire life to being in a loving, committed, stable, secure relationship with her and he wants to act out his love with her sexually, and she has reserved a taboo type of sex which she enjoyed no less with a prior f-buddy that did absolutely nothing for her?

As a guy I couldn't live with this I can tell you that right now.
 
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sexcounselor responded:
Sex in marriage becomes boring if couples do not work on it and this involves erotic sex, sex play role play. Your wife needs to be stimulated mentally and this is not what is happening. If you want to get her to the point where she wants to enhoy anal sex with you then you have to get her to mentaly be stimulated to the fact and pushing her or asking her is going to back fire on you.
Tease your wife and use erotic novels to stimulate her mind and dont have sex with her. Make it a an erotic adventure for her, most men after they get the woman and the same goes for women, the fun in the sex goes away, we are people but still animals and we need the sex play and chase in a marrriage. A great book to read is called Mating in capativity.

good luck
 
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mrmosk replied to sexcounselor's response:
Excellent response, sexcounselor.


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