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I hope someone can shed some insight
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BPR1130 posted:
My fiancee and I are having some issues. We both have had previous marriages/relationships end badly. Our problem is around the "lack of romance/sex" between us. She has mentioned wanting to get therapy to help figure out the problem. I have mentioned that in my opinion (and that of my close friends) it has to be a lack of attraction or that someone else is filling my shoes. If someone could help shed light on this problem and what could be the issues I would appreciate it. My lady had a hysterectomy about a year ago and I was there in the support role for her. Could that be some of the problem - around hormones?
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BalconyBelle responded:
Let me see if I've got this straight: You've got a fiancee who's had a hysterectomy (which CAN screw with her hormones), & she wants to improve your intimacy and sexual relationship through therapy. Your response was to effectively say that she doesn't love you enough/find you desirable enough, or she's cheating.

You moron.

I usually try to be kinder than this in replies...but honestly, you have NO IDEA how insulting, distrustful, and just plain distasteful your reaction is. Some women, and some MEN, simply have lower sex drives or aren't as romantic as their partners. Your Fiancee at least is TRYING to improve. She WANTS to make your relationship better...and your reaction was at once a slap in the face, crushing, and the equivalent of pouring napalm on an already volatile situation.

So what are the issues here?
  1. Your insecurity
  2. Your lack of trust
  3. Possible hormonal issues due to hysterectomy
  4. Possibly naturally lower sex drive for your fiancee

All of which can be helped by therapy, and possibly a doctor's consultation. Get your head on straight and apologize. Unless your fiancee has given you a REASON to believe she's been unfaithful or unworthy of trust, stop throwing your fiancee's desire to improve your relationship back in her face, apologize, and work on improving it with her.
 
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someonewhocares3 responded:
MANY women who've had a hysterectomy report loss of libido, arousal, and response since a SEX organ was removed. If this started after her hysterectomy, then that's likely the cause. If it was an issue before, then she may just be a woman who doesn't have much desire.

If you truly love her, you'll give her the support she needs and strive toward improving your relationship (whatever that entails).

Wishing you the best.
 
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divachic1 replied to someonewhocares3's response:
i HAD A HYSTERECTOMY AND I CAN SAY THAT I DO HAVE A PROBLEM,,,,,,WHEN I HAVE ONE ORGASAM I FEEL I NEED TO HAVE AT LEAST 3 MORE AFTER THAT....MY POINT IS DONT GIVE UP ON SOMEONE JUST BECAUSE THEY HAVE BEEN THROUGH SOMTHING...THIS IS YOUR TEST NOW..ARE YOU GOING TO BE THERE FOR BETTER OR FOR WORST??
 
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MissChooChoo responded:
Please don't listen to friends who have no real insight into your problem. My ex used to listen to friends who were abusive to their wives, and he got most of his relationship information from "whiskey and women" country songs. When he came home from an over-the-road trip, I asked him to try another position, and he accused me of learning it from another man. No, I had done some online research to find a position that would ease the pain I was having when we had sex. He listened to his friends though, and the relationship went downhill fast because of their uninformed advice. Please respect your wife's desire to learn from an expert, and please go with her to learn also. It could be as simple as your wife feeling unloved and you feeling a lack of respect from your wife. A lot of marriages that seem hopeless have been fixed with the right help. And yes, the hysterectomy can have huge effects on her desire, but that can be fixed also. I had to have a total hysterectomy due to a pre-cancerous condition of the uterus from the HPV which my ex gave me. He told me that the growths on his penis was a benign fungus he got in Vietnam (not HPV), and I believed him because I respected the fact that he was a medic, and I didn't think he would lie about that. But he did lie, and he even told me later that he sold the drugs he had as a medic, then wasn't able to treat his fellow troops. After many more stories like this, I lost all respect for him, and love flew out the window. I had no desire for him since I had lost respect for him. Remember too, that your attention to foreplay is so important to a woman's desire. For most of us, it takes a kiss, a squeeze, and a reminder of what you'd like to do later so we can think about it all day. Saying "brace yourself" 5 minutes before sex just doesn't do it (ha ha). Helping her around the house, carrying in the groceries, making her feel protected and provided for is a great turn on for most women also. Please keep learning and you two can work it out. Good luck!
 
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dfgbull; responded:
It appears that most (if nit all) replies have been from women, so you may not listen to what they say. Here is some advise man to man. You are being a total idiot! reread BalconyBelle's response - it is right on the money!! You have a woman who wants to improve your sexual relationship but doesn't know how and you have told her "don't make the effort". Any hope for a strong marriage depends on an environment safe enough to be vulnerable. You have just communicated, very clearly, that it is very unsafe to be vulnerable with you. the truth is unless you find out what issues are causing your attitude, you have no chance of a lasting marriage (with her or anyone else).
 
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jendirks responded:
first of all dont accuse your woman of cheating that will push her futher away i want to call you a bad word for that but i will be nice. second dont push the issue let her come to you you need to be patient and yes having a hystroectomy will change things. 3rd try to be romantic about it dont do it the same lame way all the time. woman love romance even if you have been together years and yes let her get her therapy underlying issues can be a big problem and if your accusing her of cheating your killing her self esteem and trust and by the way those who accuse are actually the ones that cheat not alw3ays but most of the time. run her a bubble bath by flowers romance her off her feet. she needs reassurance and loving and truely knowing your not gonna leave when the going gets tough if you do i would consider you a loser. read books slef help ones do something
 
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Elisabeth1234 responded:
I'm with BalconyBelle (and everyone else, it seems), and I want to reiterate the last part of her response. Apologize and get to therapy soon. Whatever the problem was before, it's now compounded by your lack of trust and her (likely) feelings of betrayal. Not olny did you turn on her, you went to your friends about a delicate and emotional relationship issue that should only involve you and your fiancee. If you want to make it work, let her know you're ready to work with her to do what it takes.


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