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Engaged and not trust..
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maria_valdo posted:
Hey so I have been engaged for almost a year now and recently I am having trust issues with my partner and I am rethinking our relationship. We are both very young, 23 to be exact. We have had a rocky past that led to these trust issues, he regained my trust a few months ago but now it feels like I'm reliving the past. He constantly has his phone with him it never leaves his site and I feel like he's hiding something from me. I have confronted him but he says its just me that doesn't trust him, and it just becomes a huge argument. I love him but I have many doubts about him. I'm really not sure what to do at this point?
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3point14 responded:
What would he need to do to regain your trust completely? Have you told him? What has his response been?

Do you think you'll ever be able to forgive him? Would you still be with him if you weren't engaged?
 
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Caveat_Emptor responded:
Not trying to pry, but what happened that caused him to lose your trust originally? Simply stating that he keeps his phone at his side constantly doesnt mean much, I have mine with me at near all times and am not hiding anything from my girlfriend.
 
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Jumper197074857 replied to Caveat_Emptor's response:
I agree with Caveat. Having your phone on you at all times means nothing really. I take mine outside when I'm working in the yard, etc but I'm not hiding anything from my wife. She's welcome to check my phone at anytime.
 
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alaska_mommy replied to Jumper197074857's response:
Same here. I don't have a cell right now but when I did I always kept it in my pocket--it was easier than hunting it down when it rang.
 
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Blake_Valentine replied to alaska_mommy's response:
Still, I would not discount what she says after the phone reference, which is that she has a feeling he is hiding something. I think partners in these types of situations, esp. women, have a very well-honed spider sense. There may well be reasons other than what she can verbalize that give her an uneasy feeling.

Do you have a date set? If it is true that your sense is correct, and he is cheating on you (and I know you didn't say it, but I'm going to assume that's what it was), then you have a serial cheater on your hands, and that is not someone you want to be shackled to if trust is important to you. Before you walk down the aisle, you owe it to yourself, and any future children, to dig a little deeper. He's already denied it, so you won't get it from him. I would suggest checking cell phone call details, if you can get your hands on them, or asking friends of yours straight up whether they have any reason to suspect anything. Guys will lie when cornered. They do. We do.
 
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Caveat_Emptor replied to Blake_Valentine's response:
Just gonna assume he cheated? Check cell phone call details?

Srsly?

Unless something tangible has already happened recently to rouse her suspicions regarding the cell phone, she is just being paranoid.

OP - what did he originally do to lose your trust? Did he cheat on you and you caught him cause of the phone...?
 
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3point14 replied to Blake_Valentine's response:
The woman feels uncomfortable and checks the phone, then the man gets to feel uncomfortable about his personal privacy for the rest of the relationship...fair? Not to me.

They have this thing when cops investigate crimes, it's something Latin-y but translates to fruit of the poisoned tree. It's stuff that they find as evidence, but because it's not on a warrant it can't be used as evidence in court and basically can becomes moot. Personally, in my relationship I try not to do anything sketchy that would negate the results I'd get from doing it, know what I mean? Two wrongs don't make a right, and definitely set a pretty shoddy precedent for a marriage.

Girls lie when cornered too, the trick is not to "corner" anyone, but to open up a dialogue. To have a decent enough relationship where you aren't with a liar and don't have to force a decent person to get defensive.

Given the limited information we have, it's impossible to assess if she's being paranoid or if she has reason to doubt her SO. But in my opinion, that's kind of immaterial. Someone's past behavior doesn't dictate what their future actions would be. Even if he's a cheater, he could've feel legitimately bad for what he did, and the OP is now just constantly doubting him (not saying that's the case here). What matters more than what may or may not have happened is what the OP is willing to do to better her future, whether it be working stuff out or finding stuff out.

*jumps off soapbox* :)
 
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Caveat_Emptor replied to 3point14's response:
Na uh, girls never lie, only men do! Men are so mean!

/lifetime movie

Well said Pi.
 
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An_215375 replied to Caveat_Emptor's response:
Ah, we have a sexist among us ...
 
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Caveat_Emptor replied to An_215375's response:
Yup total sexist. So sexist, in fact, that I wrote agreed with what 3.14 (a woman, judging by the avatar) wrote. So sexist, in fact, that I tried to inject a little humor by making a Family Guy reference. Sooooo sexist that I believe that men and women lie equally since both are humans, and humans are notorious liars.

You got me.
 
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alaska_mommy replied to Caveat_Emptor's response:
I think your tongue in cheek was very clear. Just shrug off the Anon comment...
 
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3point14 replied to Caveat_Emptor's response:
Boys are not only mean, but smelly and dumb and bad!

And Caveat, I do take umbrage with one thing you said. I'm not a woman, I am a l-a-d-y. ;)
 
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Caveat_Emptor replied to 3point14's response:
My apologies, my Lady :D


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