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How far would you let it go? How far would you take it?
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Jumper197074857 posted:
I've often joked with my wife about doing to her whatever I feel like doing (sexually) whether she wanted to or not. A few times I get a "Is that right?" response but most times I get an enthusiastic "Ok!". Thing is, I'm not actually sure she would really go thru with it and whether or not I could actually go thru with it. Essentially what we're talking about is I would force her onto the bed, tie her up and do whatever I wanted (oral, vaginal, anal, double-p, etc). I would make sure she got some enjoyment out of it but obviously it would be more enjoyable for me. More or less...I would make her a "sex-slave" for a session.

I've mentioned this several times in the past about tying her up, etc and for the most part, she seems to be ok with it almost as if she wants me to be forceful with her. But I'm not sure she's being truthful or if she's playing along. On the flip side, I'm not sure I could be forceful with her knowing I might be doing more harm than good.

So I'm sort of at a crossroads here. Should I press forward with this carefully? Should I just accept it as a slim chance of it ever happening? Should I throw caution to the wind and just go thru with it because of the answers/responses I generally get from her? I'm looking for thoughts/advice from both sides (men and women).
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Anon_20000 responded:
have you tried just asking whether or not she's serious? as a woman i know we can sometimes be a little well all over the place but sometimes just a straight forward question is the way to go. i would recommend a neutral time to ask, i.e. not during an intimate session but when you're just talking. or maybe starting hinting that that is one of your biggest fantasies(with her) and maybe you'll get a surprise for your birthday or something.
 
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alaska_mommy responded:
I think, if she seems sincere in what she says, to give it a try. Make it obvious that you're going to do something fun and adventurous, give her something to look forward to that night. Be obvious about getting out the fabric or whatever you're going to use to tie her up. Watch her face closely while you do it, especially her eyes. Tell her that if at any time she wants to stop, to please let you know. Then just go ahead and go for it, being careful to watch her face to make sure she really is enjoying it. Make it fun and sexy, and be just rough enough to make her feel like you're in charge, but be gentle as well. Listen and watch for her responses so you know what she is liking best. That's my advice. I think women love some daring and adventure in the bedroom, and being "taken" by our SO's can be so thrilling. Good luck!
 
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tmlmtlrl responded:
Can you explain: "On the flip side, I'm not sure I could be forceful with her knowing I might be doing more harm than good."

Why couldn't it be forceful but safe? Are you worried about getting carried away?

One thing I've read before about people wanting to do basically rape scenarios is to have a safe word that is not 'no' or 'stop', something like 'Mississippii'. I don't think that is what you were referring to but thought I'd throw it in here.

I'd say talk to her after dinner or something about it, and then make up rules of what would be ok and what's crossing the line. Decide if she wants it to be a surprise or not. Maybe even meet up in a hotel room so you can be more outta the norm and into character.

However I am worried about your comment still. What harm are you referring to?
 
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BalconyBelle replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
To the OP--please listen to the excellent suggestions the posters have given you. A 'safe word', is any word that you & your wife agree upon in advance that wouldn't come up normally in conversation or role play...That way there's no confusion regarding whether "no" or "stop" is part of the game--the safe word means to stop immediately.

Talk with her first over dinner or some other non-sexually charged moment regarding whether or not she's serious, what her limits are, and whether or not she wants to be blindsided by the new, dominant you. Just keep in mind--sex slave or not, your wife will need foreplay. Some women genuinely enjoy being dominated & rougher sex--so it wouldn't necessarily be more enjoyable for you as long as you make sure to warm her up before taking off the kid gloves.

As for me, I'm a dominatrix & I love putting my guy on the ropes...and he loves it because it means I'm really going to be taking my time driving him wild before I let him go (gotta admit there's something a bit thrilling about being pounced on). I also enjoy being tied if I'm sufficiently warmed up because then I don't have to worry about hurting him & can really cut loose...I'm always holding back a little unless I'm restrained.

Dominance, role play, and bondage can be great additions to the bedroom...and if both you and your wife are into it, you could have a LOT of fun. Deliberately harming your wife is something else entirely.

Just respect each other's boundaries, safe words, and safety--then enjoy!
 
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Jumper197074857 responded:
Thanks for the responses everyone! I think a safe-word is a definite. I think the next time we have a free weekend without kids, school work (we're both working on degrees), house work, etc, I may broach this subject with her
 
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3point14 responded:
Something I've done in the past is to discuss what we're both comfortable with when it's not "go time". To not ruin the atmosphere though, we agreed that the submissive partner would have the initiate. If that sounds like it doesn't make sense, it does! The submissive partner gives a nonverbal cue that cannot be misidentified: puts on a different set of sheets, arranges pictures or candles a certain way, says a certain phrase that is code for "Tonight's the night".

It's a way to make sure nobody is taken off guard with what's happening, and a way to give the submissive person more power than even just having a safe word. To make doubly sure everyone's alright with what's happening, another thing I've done in the past is have a "kind-of" safe word. A word that means "I'm ready for this part to stop, but continue with the scene". This is key in my opinion because it stops what the person's uncomfortable with, but the action doesn't just halt.

If both of you are still having reservations, too, sometimes it helps to start off with dirty talk during more "regular" sex. It eases the idea of something more "extreme" into the bedroom, and allows both people to gauge their sexual response in the moment and not just in theory. I've found this extremely helpful in my current relationship. I'm the "kinkier" of the two of us, and there's been some stuff he's been on the fence about. By talking about it during sex, he's been able to see my reactions and understand how into it I am, and I've been able to make the thought of doing something he's slightly uncomfortable with more positive.

Don't be so sure it'd be "more enjoyable" for you though, some women looove the thought of being captive It's cool that you're both open to discussing new things, if nothing else!
 
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Jumper197074857 replied to 3point14's response:
I like the idea of "setting the mood" per se to let the other know tonight is the night.

Here's some background on my wife which might explain my predicament...

When we met 12 years ago, she was what I could consider "conservative" in the bedroom. What I mean is, our intimate moments consisted of a few minutes of foreplay then onto the missionary or doggie style. Not that I was complaining mind you. Not at all. It's just I'm more the "kinky" person in the relationship.

Our first trip to an adult store was her first. When we bought a vibrator, it was her first. A few years later, we bought a rabbit-style and she experienced her first clitoral orgasm. To this day, she doesn't masturbate unless it's with her toy (and I had to convince her to do that). She doesn't "touch" herself, meaning she doesn't manually stimulate herself. "Dirty talk" consists of her saying things like "stick him in me", "he feels good". Never "stick it in me" or "you feel great", etc. And she claims she has no sexual fantasies.

On the flip side, she absolutely loves sex! I literally can have sex whenever I want. Except during the week in the mornings. She's not a morning person, lol When other guys complain about not getting any from their wives, I just sit back and revel in the fact I never have to worry about that. We joke about what we're gonna have to do when we're old and we want to make love, lol.

Over the years I've been able to get her to sort of come out of her cocoon if you will. We now have numerous adult toys. She loves oral sex (giving and receiving) and will swallow without hesitation. After watching a few Better Sex videos, she realized anal sex was probably something we could try. And we have. So she's slowly losing her inhibitions and she's willing to try pretty much anything.

Problem is though, she doesn't seem comfortable talking about sex. Whenever we (read: I) start a discussion about sex, it becomes a struggle at time to get her to tell me things. When I ask her what she likes, I get "everything" for a response. When I ask "what do YOU want to do?", I get "I don't know". When I ask "what would you like me to do to you?", her response is "whatever you want to do" (with the exception of anal sex...that's something we tend to plan out so we're both prepared. Sounds easy, right? It's not. I can't seem to get a bead on her and what her responses really mean. In fact, she's eager to please me but won't tell me what I can do to please her. During our "romps", whether I'm a "five pump chump" or last considerably longer she tells me "it was great". She is more focused and concerned with making sure I'm pleasured moreso than herself. I'm a guy. A stiff breeze can please me if the wind is blowing right.

Which brings me to this scenario. I'm not sure if her responses of "Ok!" really mean "Ok!" or if she's just telling me that to feed my kinkier side. If I bring it up and try to discuss it with her, I won't have much luck. It's like she's embarrassed to talk about our sex life despite my telling her we should be able to talk about anything as husband and wife. I honestly don't know what she likes and doesn't like. Anal sex...we have anal sex every so often. She's never told me she hates it or not. It's more like she tolerates it because she knows I enjoy it...yet this last time, she let out several moans I interpreted as meaning she was enjoying it. Oral sex...she swallows because she knows I enjoy it...yet she's never said she does or does not enjoy it. To her credit, the first time she swallowed caught me completely off guard. Not a word from her that she was going to do that. Let me tell you...that was an extremely pleasant surprise!

So I guess...HOW should I broach this topic with her without her feeling threatened, weirded out, embarassed, etc?
 
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Jumper197074857 replied to Jumper197074857's response:
Oh...and one more thing. If I bring up the idea of trying something new or experimenting, she feels I'm not happy with our sex life. I sometimes get the impression she does the things she does because she's worried I'll find someone else who will. Or I'll divorce her. Totally not the case at all!! No way in hell would/could I ever think of cheating on her or asking for a divorce. My parents would disown me and I would live the rest of my life with the biggest mistake I could ever make.
 
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misschoochoo replied to Jumper197074857's response:
I have a very difficult time actually talking about how I like to be stimulated and how I like sex too, even though I really enjoy sex. And in order to really enjoy sex, I have to give myself permission to enjoy the "rawness" of it, and not pretend it's all "pink butterflies and glitter". (Probably a remnant of upbringing that implies "nice girls don't enjoy sex".) I have to give myself permission to talk about it to my male partner also, and I do this by saying to myself "talking about it honestly to him, describing exactly what I want him to do to me pleases him, and it's okay to please my man -- it's even okay with God". I love to feel dominated by my man, but it's extremely difficult for me to ask for it -- it feels like I'm not being a nice girl, so a signal from me like the lit candles or wearing a certain submissive type of clothing would probably work. Maybe asking for certain positions or telling you what she likes is just too "raw" for her too -- she may be afraid that you'll think she's "dirty". Letting her know how much it pleases you when she verbalizes her enjoyment, and coaching her to say certain words might help. You might try saying something like 'Please say "I love it when you stick it in me", and ask her to repeat it several times". She may secretly love saying it, and the repetition could get her over her embarrassment, to the point where she might start saying what pleases her on her own.
 
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BalconyBelle replied to Jumper197074857's response:
I think it's wonderful you're so devoted to your wife, and I think it's great that she's equally devoted to you. Given that your wife started off as extremely conservative, it's not all that surprising that she's hesitant to talk about sex...I'm just glad she's apparently open to experiencing & enjoying it in pretty much any way either of you would want.

It also sounds like she's already adopted a submissive role in the bedroom...so full-on role play probably wouldn't be much of a stretch. You could tell her exactly what you've told us---that you're in love with her, and you love your sex life as is...but you're wondering if she's serious when she says ------. If she says yes, explain that you're curious about exploring that interest, and you think you might both enjoy it...does she think she will?

If she says yes again, then you can talk about scenarios/scenes to see what she's comfortable with. Since she's apparently verbally shy, tell her about a fantasy where you play a dominant role, then ask: "Would you enjoy that?" Which allows her to answer in a simple 'Yes' or 'No', without worrying about a more non-committal answer spawned by questions like: "Would you be okay with that?"

From there, you can discuss safe words, & Pi's suggestions of a 'kind of' safe word setting the scene. One of the most important things is to make sure your wife will use the safe word or 'kind-of' safe word if she's uncomfortable or in pain. I've heard of submissive who wouldn't use them, and the breakdown in communication does no favors for anybody.

The addition of adult fun and games to the bedroom can be a blast--you just have to make sure your wife understands it is a game. She can call a halt (or apply brakes) whenever she wants or is no longer enjoying herself
 
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alaska_mommy replied to Jumper197074857's response:
Small idea...
Maybe you could start a little "mailbox" idea where you could write a note to leave for her, she could write one for you, etc to talk about sex topics. I know for myself, it's easier to say something difficult in a letter. Maybe you could even have a little flag you can put up to signal there's a letter waiting for her? Sorry if this is cheesy, it's just an idea.
Or even go for full-on cheesiness and make it a "check the box" with yes or no...LOL just like in first grade.
Good luck, I hope you land on something that works for you! It sounds like you truly care for her, and I applaud your desire to know her desires better. I hope she can learn to be ok with focusing on herself...in my estimation, women kind of have to do that in sex to get the most out of it.


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