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jerseylove12 posted:
I recently met this guy that I am head over heels crazy about. He seems different from the regular a**holes I have dated. But despite that, I still feel so insecure of being screwed over, played, cheated on, etc. My track record for relationships isn't that great, and I am getting short tempered with this guy because I'm nervous and insecure that he's found someone better and just hasn't told me. Or that my looks are a disappointment, or some thing that has made him uninterested. He just got back from Afghanistan and has been "living it up" The past week for so as he's been trying to have fun, I've been getting snippy and a little crazy on him. I try to apologize but I never get a response and that makes me angry too!! he says he's a straight forward guy who doesn't lie and has no filter, but whenever I bring something up about where our relationship is going he never responds. Should I explain to him why I have my insecurities, or should that be left for when and if we become an actual couple. I'm not very good at self control when it comes to expressing my feelings, I usually end up pushing people away, but I just get so nervous and worried.
And if I should tell him how should i bring it up, because lately it seems like he has no time or interest in having a full conversation with me.
People keep telling me I should let him go, but I'm so stubborn and I feel like he is different, and I really just want someone who is different to want me too
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BalconyBelle responded:
There are a couple of things I'd like clarification on.

  1. Who are the people who are telling you to let him go? Why are they saying that, and what do they mean? If you trust their judgement normally, it's possible they're seeing something that you're not...or it could be that they're advocating nothing more than some breathing space so that neither of you feels smothered or overwhelmed--or rushes into a new relationship blindly.
  2. How recent is 'recently'? If you don't actually have a relationship right now, it might be a bit awkward to bring past baggage into the picture without a foundation to support the weight.

If this association is brand new, asking things like "where is our relationship going?" can be off-putting to both men and women alike. My fiance fell fast and hard for me...it took significantly longer for me to return the emotion. Despite that (or possibly because of it), he didn't press me with those types of questions, & I didn't feel pushed or rushed, which allowed our relationship to progress at a speed I was comfortable with. If he had, he would have lost me--because I wouldn't have liked feeling pressured to commit to something before I was sure. Your guy's silence on the issue is a warning to back off--please listen to it.

On the other hand--asking if you're officially 'together' in terms of dating shouldn't be an issue, and if sex is involved, getting a straight anwser on whether or not you're monogamous is imperative.

Lately, you've admitted that you've been acting snippy & a little crazy--his unwillingness to have a full conversation could simply be a result of him not wanting to be verbally attacked again. I understand that you've been trying to apologize for your actions, but he's apparently still gotten the 3rd degree despite not actually doing anything wrong...apologizing for it later won't change that fact.

Your insecurities are exactly that: YOURS. Some individual counseling could help you handle them, as well as working on your self-esteem & anxiety. As hard as it will be, you owe it to yourself and your guy to try to see him as he actually is--and not through the warped glass your past has left you with. It will be difficult, but if you can't bring yourself to see him & you for who you are--rather than superimposing past wrongs and mistakes--this relationship is doomed from the start.

If you do decide to bring it up, make sure that you're both calm, relaxed, and willing to listen. It's terrible that your past has wounded you to this degree, but at the same time, your actions now are hurting him. He's being punished for something he didn't do, for something someone else did before he ever came into your life. It's not fair to either of you--so try your best to breathe, relax, calm down, and not feel so burdened & influenced by what's happened before. Getting angry and crazy (or overly anxious) is only going to hurt both of you. The fresh start this guy seems to represent to you won't matter if you persist in acting as though you're living in the past.


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