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Need advice...long post but would appreciate help
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pinkpurple99 posted:
I have been with my bf for 3 years. We connected sexually from the beginning. We had frequent, adventurous sex. It was different (better) than anything I had ever experienced before. It seemed very mutual and we were happy there and in the rest of the relationship also. About a year or so ago his interest in sex dramatically decreased. The interest in being adventurous decreased as well as frequency. This hurt and I felt like he lost desire in me. I tried talking to him. Initially he denied a problem or any decrease, then he said it was due to stress. As it continued I got more and more frustrated and kept bringing it up from time to time. He finally told me he has always had a low libido and the adventure and frequency for the first year and a half was really stressful for him and he just did it to make me happy. This has hit me really hard. First of all I feel like he was dishonest with me about a big part of himself and who he was. One of the things I fell in love with was our chemistry and it turns out that wasn't really there. The other thing is I have been trying to talk to him about this for a year or more and have told him repeatedly that the change in our sex life hurt me because I felt like his desire for me was gone but he waited until just now to tell me the truth. I feel like he just let me hurt for a year because he was afraid of telling me the truth. I can handle less frequent sex but the dishonesty of it all is really hitting me hard. I know he isn't cheating on me and he's a really good guy overall. I love him but am thinking of leaving him over this. Am I overreacting? Has anyone been through this or do you have any advice?
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BalconyBelle responded:
If you decide to leave him, if I were you I'd emphasize how it's not because of his low(er) sex drive--it's because he LIED about it. He decieved you & left you high and dry for a YEAR without telling you the reason why. That would be pretty difficult to forgive.

If you decide to stay, consider throwing adult toys into the mix. They might prove a very useful compromise--you'd still be able to have adventurous and frequent sex, but your partner wouldn't have as much pressure to preform as often (though it would be best if he were willing to participate even when the toy box is present).

He was dishonest about a big part of himself and who he was...but you've said that the lower drive isn't a deal breaker in and of itself, because you love him--not just having him in the sack.

If you can find it in your heart to forgive him, if he understands that he cannot lie to you (even by omission) and expect it to be okay, and IF you're willing to meet each other halfway when it comes to intimacy, then there's a good chance this relationship is worth trying to save.
 
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pinkpurple99 replied to BalconyBelle's response:
Thanks. I'm having a really hard time getting through the forgiving part. I'm just a really honest person and lying is one of the worst things someone can do to me. He doesn't see it as lying though. He thinks he did a good thing by trying to make me happy and sees nothing wrong with what he did. That makes forgiving hard too. I've tried explaining it every way I can but he doesn't seem to get it. He thinks I should just accept him for who he is - but I just found out who he is so it's like we're starting over there.


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