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Should I tell my boyfriend?
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emNChar posted:
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a bit over a year now, and I am feeling pretty guilty about something from the past and want to get feedback on whether I should talk to him about it or not. I am 23 now, about to start grad school, found a great guy to possibly start a life with but one thing is holding me up. When I was in college I dated a guy for about 3 years and ended up having a terrible break up. We had also broken up once before and I took him back. After the second time we broke up, I met my now boyfriend. We had been over for about six months before I met my now boyfriend. My ex then wanted me back about two months into me dating my boyfriend, tried to sweep me off my feet, spilled his heart the whole nine yards. I had just met the new guy, so I wasnt for sure of anything. I just knew I liked him alot. It was my last semester of college the new guy lived 5 hours away so I didn't get to see him or develope a true relationship, but we talked on the phone daily. so emotionally I was a wreak and had no idea where my life was going. I made a decision to sleep with my ex because I did love him and felt bad for him. I hung out with him probably for about a week, and I was still talking to my now boyfriend. After about a week I knew we were not going anywhere, he was never going to change, and I ended it completely. Thank god! But then the guilt set in, I should have never slept with him, and I knew this would hurt the new guy. I left at the end of that week and without any notice drove to my now boyfriend's house 5 hours away and cried apolgized and told him how it made me realize that i wanted him. He has been the best boyfriend in the world and I can see us staying together forever honestly. However, I did not tell him the entire truth that night because I could not hurt him that bad and I was scared I would ruin the chance of us having anything. I told him it happened once and I stayed at his house once and there were no emotions involved. But really it went on for a week. And I did have feelings for my ex of course, but I told him it was just a stupid mistake that happened once. Now I feel so bad because he is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I could never never hurt him like that now that we have been together this long. We had only been "talking" for about two months when the week fling happened with my ex. How do I talk to him about the truth, or do I just leave it in the past? How do I stop feeling so guilty and undeserving of this amazing guy's love? I feel like if I talk about it, it will ruin what we have and he will lose trust. Is it worth it?
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georgiagail responded:
My take on this...you just met the new guy and your relationship was limited to talking on the phone to him.

Unless AND until a couple makes the decision that they BOTH wish to enter into a committed relationship where they remain exclusive only to each other, one is free to date (and yes, be intimate) with whomever they wish.

There's an assumption that even in early dating, one must suddenly "belong" to the other person. This often results in confusion and disappointment.

Frankly, when I was single (and after a long marriage and a long dry spell of not dating), I very much enjoyed dating several men at the same time. I was not interested in a long term relationship until my partner came along and even then, I encouraged him to consider dating others until he was certain he wished to enter a more serious relationship with me.

You have nothing to confess to (unless, of course, there was a risk of picking up an STD from the previous boyfriend and passing it on to the current one) and certainly nothing to be guilty over. You also have no idea what this new boyfriend was doing while the two of you had a relationship that existed only with talking to one another.

Gail
 
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dfgbull responded:
You told him the important facts - that you slept with your ex and it was a mistake which would not be repeated and how it made you realize that your current bf was for you. DO NOT share any more details with your bf unless he specifically asks you to and then with care. Bring out the details will NOT help your current relationship and may very well harm it. You have confessed your error to your bf and HE has forgiven you! Now you have to forgive yourself (which can be very hard). What has happened is done, don't dwell in the past.
 
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emNChar replied to georgiagail's response:
Thanks. I have taken your advise and not looked back so much!
 
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emNChar replied to dfgbull's response:
Thanks. I have taken your advice and have been trying to forgive myself. We are doing great and it is totally my overthinking that leaves me questioning whether I am doing the right thing.
 
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longduckdong46 replied to emNChar's response:
I highly suggest that you go over to the couples coping board and post this there. They have some great people with insight to this type of thing, and their advice is usually well received.
 
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GuardSquealer replied to emNChar's response:
Forget about it and never think about it again.
 
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j5dc2 responded:
I agree with most posts here. Our actions in life are never without consequences and the consequence to you is that you are still suffering the pain of your mistake.

That said, don't tell your bf any more details, if you do, he would be hurt yet once more and he does not deserve to be hurt again. You need to reconcile to your yourself and God and be the best you can be on this relationship.

Good luck!


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