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My husband doesn't want sex
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Anon_234346 posted:
I've been married for a year now. I'm so desperate, my husband doesn't want sex, however he wants to swing. The thought of him having sex with a stranger, but not wanting me hurts so much. My self esteem is gone. I am dying a slow death. I'm a size 4 with 34F breasts. I'm told I'm very attractive and I love sex. I've tried everything. I am crushed that I am rejected on a daily basis. When I try to talk to him, he rolls his eyes and yells at me. I am 46 and feel like my life is slipping away. I love him so much, but I also love myself. How can anyone love someone and reject them this way. My self esteem is so low right now that I feel like I'm losing me. He looks at porn daily, he is obsessing about swinging, in 2009 he talked me into getting implants. I thought I was just fine before. Now I have these HUGE breasts. If I walk away, who will ever want me? I feel frozen and afraid that if I do leave, no one will want me. I don't know what to do........
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dosequis responded:
D.I.Y. Your beautiful.
 
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georgiagail replied to Anon_234134's response:
Guys pimping themselves, aside...you might want to consider a bit of professional therapy to help you decide if you wish to remain in this marriage.

The issue is not you; it's your husband. However, his actions (well, inaction in terms of sexual contact with you) are devastating to you.

Gail
 
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dfgbull responded:
As georgiagail said the problem is NOT you. The problem is definitely HIM. I think this is yet another example of porn destroying a relationship. I can guarantee you that should you have to leave him, that there are many men who would find you very desirable (from what I see in your post, if I was looking you seem very desirable!). Go see a counselor, to help you make sense of where you are in this relationship and where it can/will go. I hope it can be saved, but that is up to your husband. You have done everything you can to make it work.
 
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alaska_mommy responded:
If you dont' want the implants, can't you go and them removed?
 
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blessingsTU responded:
Your husband has a very serious problem, and I think perhaps an unhealthy addiction to porn. He has the unrealistic expectation that all women, including you, are for sexual pleasure and errotic stimulation. He has been looking at all of those errotic pictures which have now taken hold of his mind, and a normal woman is not sexually appealing anymore to him. He is looking to fulfill his fantasies and is living in a world in which you cannot possibly meet his needs. Men have sexual needs, but women are not just objects for sexual pleasure. He does not seem to care about your needs, emotional, physical, or otherwise. He is showing selfish behaviors and is only interested in gratification. There is nothing wrong with you, except that you married the wrong guy!!!! Without professional marriage counselling, I fear that there is really nothing you can do but save yourself and get out of this marriage ASAP. Before he brings home HIV to you and you have a death sentence. He is already cheating on you and I think you know this in your heart. Normal men do not act like this or expect to swing and have sex with strangers. He is not committed to you, and he is not able to understand or meet your needs. He is not the kind of guy that makes for a family man, who is devoted to his wife and family. He is a Loser. Get out now before you catch STD's from this guy. No self respecting woman would put up with such a jerk. You are better than this, and you need to pull yourself up from your bootstraps and take care of yourself. Do not allow this man to ruin your life. He is not worth it. Find some good friends and get some real counselling for yourself first. If he is not willing to change and get help, then leave him and don't look back. God loves you and you should love you. The Bible says to put God first in your life, and He will meet your needs, and give you the desires of your heart. If you desire a real man, a good husband, then pray and ask for God to intervene and bring the right man into your life. This is not a marriage. Start a new life for yourself. You are worth it!!! I will keep you in my prayers. A good man is hard to find, but they are out there!!!! This guy is not one of them. You can do better for yourself without a man like this in your life. We all make mistakes in life. Admit this is one big one, and move on!!
 
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jamieleno responded:
This man sounds like he has a very sever sexual addiction. He is a sex addict, but he sounds like he likes being a sex addict and has no desire to change. He has no remorse in his statements to you only selfishness and desire to fuel his addiction. You are not in a marriage you are in his game and only getting in the way of his unrealistic fantasies. I think you need to realize that you are better than that and have no reason to put up with it and leave. Seek Professional counseling, and recommend he do the same. If he is willing tell him good luck and say goodbye, if you can. If you dont have it in you to leave the man yet tell him he has a chance if he gets counseling and if he shows you he's changed eventually. BUT until then you must remain separated. That is called an ultimatum. Either you accept counseling and a separation or there is not a Chance in hell I will be with you. Personally I suggest you leave and get yourself help and eventually find someone better. Sex addicts only cause pain. Cheating, lowering your self esteem, std's. It's all about them with no concern of their partners feelings. Good luck. I think we all really hope you get out of there.
 
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boceefus responded:
I'd say that you're in the wrong type of open marriage. You should look into polyamory rather than swinging. 'Poly' is on the opposite end of the open relationship scale from swinging in that the emphasis is on the emotional aspect of relationships instead of being on the sexual. This might suit both of you since Mr. Anon_234346 could still get the sex from others that he wants while you could cultivate more affectionate relationships that may or may not involve a sexual component. Maybe Mr. Anon_234346 just isn't very affectionate. In that case, you're not going to change him. However, he must have some redeeming qualities, or you wouldn't have married him in the first place.

Try to keep the value your relationship with him brings into your life in the forefront of your mind rather than wasting your time and energy fretting about how he disappoints you. He is the way he is, so if he's not giving you the affection you need, perhaps you should take advantage of the fact that you're already in an open marriage and seek it in another while maintaining the commitments you've already established.
 
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boceefus replied to dosequis's response:
@ dosequis: I believe you meant to say "You're beautiful" instead of "Your beautiful"; which brings me a point I'd like to make here in this forum:

I'm surprised at how many poorly educated people, who also apparently have little life experience, are willing to dispense advice to others - advice intended to greatly influence other people's lives. Advice like: "Do the honorable thing by dumping your partner and ditching your kids because you no longer feel like you're in love with him/her anymore" etc. etc.

I would take any and all online opinions and advice with a large grain of (rock) salt!!! ...even advice of the so-called "relationship experts", because none of these folks knows you or your situation in any kind of meaningful way.
 
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boceefus replied to georgiagail's response:
@ georgiagail:

Dear Ms. Georgia: Your advice it that of one teenager to another, and definitely not that of an adult who knows how to get along with others. I say this because it should be obvious that blaming your partner for all of your problems isn't going to solve anything at all! Those of us who live in the real world know that it takes two to tango and that relationship problems almost always have their roots in both parties to that relationship.

Blaming just one partner averts one's responsibility (just like a teenager!) to look within themselves and at their own bad behavior as a way of understanding the entirety of the problem.

If Ms. Anon follows your advice, not only will she fail to resolve her current relationship problems, she'll likely have the same sorts of problems with her next partner.

Telling someone to blame your partner for your own disappointments and unhappiness is bad advice indeed!
 
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boceefus replied to jamieleno's response:
@ jamieleno:

I'm always amused by people who go off on this tangent of "oh he or she is a 'sex addict'" and so-forth and so-on. Since sex is an adaptive behavior, there is no such thing as a 'sex addict', that is, unless you believe that there are people who are 'air addicts' or 'food addicts'.

Sex exists so that we may increase our numbers by having it and if you take a look around, to that end, it's worked quite well. If someone is really interested in sex and wants to have sex all the time, that doesn't mean that they're an addict. It means that their other needs, like food and shelter have been met and that sex is next on the list.

We all exist because our ancestors out-bred their predators. More recently sex created the bonds between families and clans that put the more successful groups at an advantage over those who ended up dying out. Saying that having a strong interest in sex or a high sex drive is some kind of an illness is silly. In reality it's highly adaptive and it's the reason most all of us are here on earth now.

The real problem, as I see it, is not that some people are "addicted to sex" and therefore suffering from some kind of affliction - it is our society that is the problem. Why? Because in our crazy world we have sex shoved in our faces through all the images and stories that we're exposed to everyday through various media. Men and women dress and look their sexiest at all times, etc. etc. It's sex, sex, sex, everywhere we look - everything sex and sexy is encouraged for young, old and everyone in between; that is everything except sex itself!!! That's the insanity of our lovely culture/society: We live in an insanely sexed-up world where it's NOT okay to actually have any sex.

My prescription for "sex addicts" and everyone else is to have more sex. We would all feel more fulfilled and live calmer, happier and less lonely lives as well.
 
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boceefus replied to blessingsTU's response:
@ blessingsTU:

Please refer to my prior comments about ignoramuses with little life experience dispensing life changing advice to others via internet forums.

One comment I would like to add here is that everyone should be wary of anyone who starts talking about someone else being 'selfish'. I've notice that often times these folks are more selfish than anyone else because, after all, they're using the "you're selfish" speech to try to manipulate others to get them to do what they want. How's that for irony?!?

I hate to break it to you guys, but everyone is more or less selfish. Those who make an issue of it are usually just being selfish themselves!
 
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FCL replied to boceefus's response:
I suggest you actually read the posts you're criticizing. Yes, open marriages can work but only if both partners are willing. The OP has a husband who is trying to emotionally bludgeon her into doing things that are not only beyond her into the kind of relationship she does not want to have. This has nothing to do with sex addiction and everything to do with control.

Tell me, is refusing to have sex with any man your husband brings home a sign of selfishness?

As for "ignoramuses with no life experience" dispensing advice ... I do hope you consider yourself in that number because the word "respect" doesn't appear to be in your vocabulary.

Oh, and posting your messages several times over does not lend them any more weight. Perhaps you just need a little more online experience?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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blessingsTU replied to boceefus's response:
Didn't your mother ever teach you good manners? When you point one finger at someone, you are point four more back at yourself. Perhaps "selfish" hit a nerve with you. Usually that means it is a problem in your own life, not mine. I have many yearf of live experience from which I speak. I have been married for over 32 years to the same man. I have a happy marriage and several adult children. I have watched several loved ones die of cancer and there has been much pain and suffering to go along with all of that. I am well educated and have two professions and am licensed for both in my state. I have worked with children and young adults, as well as elderly folks. I know what I am talking about. Certainly all people can be selfish at times, but some are selfish all of the time. There are "givers" and there are "takers" in the human race. The "takers" can literally suck all of the life and energy out of a "giver". I know from personal experience. I am a giver and have been taken advantage of by some takers in my life. I have learned life lessons by actual experience. I am at an age where life now makes sense and yes, it is true, life is not always fair. You make the best of it. You learn from your mistakes. You forgive and move on. But I firmly believe that marriage is supposed to be a sacred bond where both partners love, cherish, and protect one another. They should want to meet each other's needs. They should be selfless not selfish and sacrifice for one another. This is true love, when each partner loves the other to their limits.
 
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3point14 replied to blessingsTU's response:
Blessings- just to go off-topic for a second, I love the last sentence of your post


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