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Terrified of Having Sex: Normal, or Strange?
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Anon_138747 posted:
I'm a physically healthy and fully functional 21 year old male. I'm a virgin, have never been in a relationship, have gone on 1 date in my entire life, and I have never even kissed a woman.

And that was my introduction. Now for the rest of the story.

Ever since I was young, my parents practically pounded their ideas, morals, and beliefs into my brain in the hopes of making me a better human, and a better man. What they taught me was how to be considerate, thoughtful, how to think, to respect others, to hold myself to higher standards than what is considered the "social norm" and to have a moral compass that actually works. In regards to women, they taught me to be a proper gentleman, and that sex is something that should never be taken for granted nor viewed as a casual activity to engage in just for the heck of it.

Once I was old enough to make decisions of this magnitude, I decided that would wait until I was married to have sex, or engage in any form of sexual activity no matter how badly I wanted to. As the years rolled by I went through puberty to hear my friends discussing sex in a lighthearted manner and joking about the subject. At first I would join in these conversations and try to share my ideas of what sex should be, but I learned not to do this very quickly as I was always laughed out of the conversation by my peers. So I kept my ideas and beliefs to myself unless I was asked bout them from then on.

And that pretty much explains the majority of my teenage and very young adult life, which brings us to the present. I am currently playing a game called Black Prophecy and am part of a clan within said game. I was on the Ventrillo (VOIP client) server, when the subject of lap dances came up. Long story short, I made the mistake of asking what a lap dance is. I genuinely did not know what a lap dance is, and I had to do a search for "lapdance" on YouTube to find out.

When I saw the search results, I felt rather uneasy. When I started watching a demonstration, I felt extremely uncomfortable. I couldn't even make it past 30 seconds into the video. I have a highly analytical mind, and I began analyzing why the video made me feel so uncomfortable, and I shortly realized that it was because I would not feel comfortable with receiving a lap dance, even if I was in a relationship and the dancer was my significant other. Remember those beliefs and morals I discussed earlier? Apparently they have been so deeply engrained in my mind that the mere thought of doing anything even slightly sexual with someone has gone from being labeled as "improper/inappropriate" to "completely and utterly terrifying."

This is a problem for me, because I am a very compassionate, sensitive, and romantic young man with a very big heart, and I am becoming very lonely. I see 90% of my friends in happy and long lasting relationships, some of which have led to marriage right out of High School. I feel left behind, or even left out entirely; and feeling left out is something I've had to experience on a daily basis in regards to my social life. I don't understand why, but I feel this compelling need to be in a relationship. And that's where this whole fear becomes a problem.

Despite the fact that I place a much higher value on the intellectual and emotional aspects of a relationship, I understand that the physical aspect will eventually come into play. But if I can't get over my fear or even be able to understand it, then how am I going to explain to my significant other why I have to deny her whenever she is in the mood for sex?

I know that I'm thinking pretty far ahead, but I can't help but do so. This doesn't make any sense to me, and I don't know how to overcome this fear. I do know that if I don't overcome this at some point, I'm going to be a very lonely person.


So that brings us back to the title of the post: is being terrified of having sex normal, or just downright strange? And what can I do to help get over this fear?
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georgiagail responded:
Don't date lap dancers.

What you are worried about is that your performance will not be up to "parr" with what any partner may have experienced with other partners. Stop worrying about this. You seems to have a tendency to overthink many issues and your fear of performance and sexual contact is one of these.

It is quite normal to want a relationship with someone, whether this involves sexually contact or not. Start looking to enter such a relationship without the focus on sex.

Gail
 
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Anon_138747 replied to georgiagail's response:
I already know that my performance will not be up to par with anyone that my partner may have been with in the past because I have no experience in the subject. That's not what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of leaving my partner frustrated and confused because of my complete inability to even engage in any slightly sexual activity.

The main reason that I'm so worried about this is because the fear is so intense that I'm not only afraid of sexual intercourse itself, but anything that might even have the possibility of leading to sex. That includes kissing, cuddling, holding hands, telling my partner how I feel about her, and practically any and every situation that seems even the slightest bit "romantic". I suppose I should have titled this thread as "Terrified of showing any sign of affection" because the fear is just so darned strong.
 
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fcl replied to Anon_138747's response:
Honestly, I think you should seek counselling for this. It's far too deep-rooted for you to deal with alone. You were right to ask whether your reaction was normal or not. Sex scares a lot of people - mainly because of the risk of pregnancy and/or disease. That is a fairly rational fear. Your fear is not. It is way beyond that. Like I said, don't waste any more time, please get counselling as soon as you can. You don't want to miss out on any more of your "fun years" do you?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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Anon_138747 replied to fcl's response:
Something tells me that the counseling and actual treatment would involve more than just talking about the fear...and that's going to be a problem...
 
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fcl replied to Anon_138747's response:
Even if you feel that it may be a problem you have to ovecome that. Counsellors are trained to hear everything. They can't possibly help you if you don't tell them everything.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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rhondamay responded:
FCL is correct. You are at the beginning of your life and the time to get this fixed is now. Putting it off will just make it more difficult and please don't miss out on this portion of life that can bring you so much joy! Bite the bullet and go see a counselor!

Best wishes,

Rhonda
 
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Anon_138747 replied to rhondamay's response:
You guys...are NOT going to believe this...

I just solved the problem, or rather discovered what the real problem is. It isn't a fear of sex at all, or at least it's not the fear of the physical action of having sex...it's the fear of the emotional state of being completely open as well as completely vulnerable. I don't know how I didn't see this before, it should have been so obvious...I can't stop laughing at myself now that I see how simple the solution is.

I don't want to bore you with the details, but when I was younger I was a social outcast in school and as such was a target for bullies and other bottom feeders who would find someone to pick on, tease, humiliate, make fun of, pretty much the classic "make this kids life miserable" act. It left me emotionally scarred to the point where I developed PTSD. and lost my ability to trust anyone or let anyone get close to me, even my family.

I'm overjoyed...I feel like...like...telling everyone I know...hugging someone...like I can do anything now!
 
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fcl replied to Anon_138747's response:
Don't get too excited aboiut this yet. You haven't found a solution, you have found a cause. Going from that point to actually allowing yourself be sufficiently vulnerable to allow someone to get close to you is liable to be a very, very long road (as you will find out when you try). you don't lose many years of fear and dread overnight.

I wish you well.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.


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