Sexual Health Community

There is a book that could really help. "No More Headaches" by Dr. Juli Slatery. It helped to turn our marriage around. Also, if you do nothing to change the situation, it WILL have a negative impact on your marriage.

Hello, I am 10 years older than you, but when I was in my late twenties, I started really hating to have sex. Not all the time, but most of the time. Now I could go the rest of my life without doing it. If I feel an urge, I can just take care of it myself. I don't need some guy (my husband) pounding away at me, messing up my hair, trying to talk sexy (which just annoys me), or making the same old approach..one boob, then the other, then we're off. I especially hate it after I have taken a bath, dried my hair...I feel so good and he wants to ruin it by having sex! I just want to go to bed and sleep. I can't tell you how many times over the last year, I have purposely stayed up watching tv in the living room until he falls asleep, so I can climb in bed without be bothered. I even make a point to sneek quietly in my room so I don't wake him up. Then I try and beat him out of bed in the morning. It is very tiresome. Sometimes, I just flat give in for the sake of an argument. Don't get me wrong, he is good at it, but I just don't care for it. If I had a list of priorities of 1 to 10, it would be number 11. I see all these books on how to increase your sex drive, but nothing on how do decrease it (for him). It is like the whole world it telling you that you have to have and want to have sex all the time, or something is wrong with you. Well, I am tired of it. Why is it so wrong to not want to do it. Where does it say in your marrige vows that you have to be a sex slave at your partners mercy. I love being married, but I hate feeling obligated to have sex all the time. I keep wishing he would develop ED and I'd be a lot happier.

Wow.

Have you told your husband that you feel this way? And I don;t mean hinting at it, I mean telling him as bluntly as you have described your feeling here.

If not, I think you really owe it to him to do so.

My wife is 45 and has been struggling with reduced libido. If she were feeling as extreme about it as you are, I'd really want to know. First of all, I'd have absolutely no interest in having sex with her if I knew it was as onerous a chore as you describe. Second, I'd give some serious thought to divorce. I'd at least know what I was up against--could I really go the rest of my life with masturbation as my only sexual outlet, and with one of the most important (to me) forms if intimacy missing from my marriage?

And if you can't find it in yourself to be open to enjoying sex with your husband, I think you should be honest with him and stop "just giving in."

Just keep in mind that, to many/most people, sexual intimacy is a critically important part of happy romantic relationship. It's possible that he may find this to be a deal-breaker.

To the OP: You should be scared that it is going to ruin your marriage, because there's a good chance that it will if this goes unaddressed.

What has changed about your lovemaking since the time when you used to enjoy it? Has your husband become a less attentive lover? Has sex become rote and predictable?

Do you become aroused and lubricated? (Of course sex would not be so fun if it were uncomfortable for you.)

And are you on any meds? Birth control pills?

This is such a sad situation, and probably many women feel the same. I believe there are three main factors that are the root cause. 1. The social environment in which girls are raised — sex is bad. These early lessons/feelings are engrained in the subconscious forever. 2. Hormones. Hormone levels change and can be a huge factor in a women's sexual attitude, especially during/after menopause. 3. Inattentive lovers. A partner who doesn't satisfy his lover can make sexual contact uninviting.
If you care about your marriage, you do need to take action. Get your hormones checked, talk to your husband, and enter into marriage/sex counseling together. Intimacy is a key to a happy marriage, and lack of it leads to breakup.

I feel bad for you rbb85, because sex is a real gift to us as humans and is meant to be part of any marriage or serious adult relationship. You obviously know something is seriously wrong or you wouldn't have posted here. But I have to say this - low hormones, an inattentive lover, even prudish upbringing are all minor issues that can be overcome. But to a man who married a woman who had a normal sex drive but is now faced with the same woman telling him she hates sex, in my book he has every right to pack his bags and leave you permanently happily enjoying no sex at all.

I am a firm believer that in a marriage, each partner has an obligation to the other to provide for his/her reasonable sexual needs. It's part of the deal, every bit as much a responsibility as providing a home and food on the table, taking care of the children, making a life together. You should be scared, because at this point your marriage is already in ruins, The fact that your husband is even still there is pretty amazing. Posting your problem on this board is a way to talk about it, but it's not going to help a thing. If you're not already making appointments with doctors, counselors, or otherwise actively seeking help, you're doing nothing toward correcting your problem.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I'd be making the same comments to a male if he posted the same thing. If you actually hate sex, there's something seriously wrong with your relationship, and you're short-changing a man you supposedly love. Either fix it or say goodbye to your man so he can have a normal give and take relationship with someone else who respects his needs as a man.

And acarroll74, I seriously wonder why you are even married at all. You sound more concerned with your hair and not having your bath "ruined" than having a loving marriage. Read your post back to yourself as if you were your husband, and see how it would feel for him to read what you've written. "for better or worse", yet you "don't need "some guy" when you can go masturbate instead. Staying up late so you can go to bed without being "bothered". Wow...even asking where it says in your marriage vows.....you act as if a husband with a normal sex drive is some sort of cramp to your "style". "More bon-bons and make it snappy, servant!!!!!"

You "love being married" but don't have enough consideration for your husband as a person to even care that he has normal sexual needs. What an arrangement for you! Scuse me, but one-half of your marriage is dysfuctional, and from what you wrote it's sure not your husband.

And people wonder why guys cheat on their wives.....

"And people wonder why guys cheat on their wives....." --what, because they don't like confrontation or communication??


Wonderingaboutthis, I think that's one of the most immature crappiest things I've seen you write. That was a low blow. And for the record, I usually agree with things you say here. You were obviously upset by her post. I was a bit disgusted by it, but she is speaking her truth.



Sadly Carroll probably thinks she is taking care of her husband's needs by giving in to him when she does. When I read her post I was left with a dumbfounded "wow".

The OP at least stated she felt bad for her husband. What struck me was her descirption of a problem she admits she's having, but nowhere does she indicate she's at least trying, at least giving in to her husband occasionally for his sake. I may have carried a bit of my anger toward Carroll over into my response to the OP, but the fact is she's sitting there saying she has a problem but is worried only that her marriage may be in danger. All I was saying to her was, DO something about it! Or there might not be a marriage to worry about.

I stand by everything I said to and about Carroll. In my opinion, she considers herself too good to lower herself to providing a decent sex life for the poor guy that married her. I was as dumbfounded as you, I mean really, "don't mess my hair up, don't ruin my fresh shower", and "show me where my "contract" says I have to please you".

Immature and "crappy"? If pointing out just how immature Carroll is being to her her husband makes me immature, so be it. "Crappy" is a pretty non-informational term, have to say I don't know what you mean by that.

And yes, scan down the posts on this forum, and see just how many men are stuck in sexless marriages for any number of "reasons". Most (not all, but a good portion" of those marriages need one simple thing - for the woman to remember that it is her responsibility to her life mate to see that his reasonable sexual needs are taken care of by her, without grumbling or whining that their hair will get messed up or they might have to wash afterwards. Time after time you read that "she used to love sex with me but now , nothing." If her husband suddenly stopped working and bringing money home, just because he "didn't feel like it anymore" he'd be villified. (Rightfully so). So is he just supposed to live the rest of his life in a sexless marriage? To many men caught in that trap, going outside the marriage is the only thing left. That's my comment on men cheating - they're being cheated out of a reasonable sex life, and it's not surprising in the least to me that they will go elsewhere and then be villified by a wife who "just can't understand what happened".

Sorry, but married couples have a duty and obligation to care for and nurture each other, and that includes the marriage bedroom. Abandoning any of that for the selfish reasons Carrol put in her post...now that's immature.

And by the way, this goes both directions. Women in marriages with husbands who will no longer provide for their sexual needs are just as big a victim as the men in this particualr thread.

Oh no, no, no... I was in no way defending Carroll or disagreeing with what you said to her. (I didn't type it italicized, don't know why it did that)

It was that one lone sentence you wrote. Because it was a generalized statement I felt personally offended by it. It sounds as though you are justifying running out and cheating because the wife isn't putting out. Life is so much more complex than that.

In this Carroll's situation it doesn't appear so complex. She should talk with her husband about her hate for sex. On the same note if he's not happy with the situation he should be talking with her about it.

But by no means does a lack of sex justify cheating on your spouse.

Nothing in what I wrote condones cheating. But it's rampant today, and among the 572 other reasons people give for it, a spouse who flatly refuses sex has to rate right up there with the top ten.

I'm sitting on 30 years of marriage. I've had countless chances to cheat, especially in my previous career where I was traveling 20 days a month. We've dealt with the boredom that comes with familiarity over 3 decades. We both admitttedly struggle with a desire to try sex with a new or different partner. But the reason we don't is simple, we care about each other enough to remember that sex is part of marriage, and although there are times when either of us may not particularly care to have sex, we do so happily for the benefit of the other partner. Because for this time, when I may not feel like it but my wife has a need, there will also be a time when I need sex badly and she doesn't feel like it, but will happily oblige and make the best of it to be sure I get some relief.

It's not rocket science - take care of your spouse, period. It's part of what you signed up for. And if you think you're too important or too good to lower yourself to taking care of your spouse, don't be surprised if and when someone else steps in and does your job for you, and for damned sure don't whine about it. You had it coming and it was more your fault than your partner's..

With the first poster, probably all that's needed is some down-to-earth conversation and stepping up to the plate for the good of the marriage. I disagree with you on this Carroll's situation though. The only talking going on is her compaining about being a wife. All I hear is an underlying disdain for males in general, narsicissism (sp?) to the max, and a woman that thinks of her husband as some sort of robot that's there for one purpose and that's keeping her in hairstyles and make-up. My last comment was more directed toward her, that if there ever was a situation where a man was driven to cheat, it's right in front of her nose. No, he shouldn't cheat, he should head for a lawyers office and rid himself of this parasite so there's no longer anyone to "cheat" on. She's cheating him every single time she tells him no because she just took a bath and especially every time she thinks "why do i need a man when I can grab a toy".

Not condoning cheating, just pointing out a man in a place that he just plain should not be expected to be put in. He's a bait and switch victim, and if he ever does cheat on her, she's the one the fingers should be pointed at.

Do you think you feel this way because you feel that an emotional connection is lacking between you and your husband? Or do you maybe feel that it's just all about his needs and you look at sex as being "dirty" and not romantic or enjoyable as it once was? DId something happen that triggered you to feel this way? I guess I am just trying to get a better idea of why you feel the way you do. I used to feel turned off by having sex with my ex because of things that happened between him and I, and the resentment and anger I held against him made me feel somewhat like this about having sex, and of course the emotional detachment I felt from him. While I personally don't think that sex is the most important thing in a relationship, (cause after all, what would you do if your partner could not have sex at all) you do still need to communicate with each other and at least let the other person know how you are feeling.

dont understand how u can get married and not want to have sex with ur husband...even after years of being together u know it is part of ur wife duties..do u think it would be ok if he had him a woman on the side that took care of his needs and then came home to u...i see acarroll74 is in the same boat as u

I hate to see sex as viewed as a duty. Hopefully there is a connection between a husband and wife that is stronger than that. If not, they shouldn't be married. Sex/desire/attraction between two people really is the glue that holds a marriage together. That being gone, trouble is ahead. Sorry.

I also hate sex, for a long time I didn't realize that me never initiating or really really wanting to destroyed my relationships, so it was one relationship after another, always ending up them hating me but never really saying why. Sex has never been important to me and having a man inside me really grosses me out. I can't stand semen (the smell,look, or consistency on my skin) I could never just fall asleep without a shower. I don't feel like theres anything wrong with me for not liking sex., Its been the same with every guy. I love spending time, sharing like activities but I've never enjoyed sex. I've certainly tried to figure out what the big deal was and emotionally I never felt close, as a matter of fact I felt kind of hurt when every guy wanted to have sex even though I've said over and over. I don't like it or need it so why would they want to hurt me by engaging constantly in something that grossed me out. I have learned to be happy, unmarried and although I would love to date I am kind of afraid because I've been treated so mean just because I hate sex. I don't think I need any help but would like to know why guys are so mean when you don't want to have sex.. I think the adult thing to do would be to just walk away, I've found that there are plenty of women out there to have sex with, without trying to hurt someone just for not liking it.