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    I need advice
    Jinxedcharm posted:
    I had my youngest son almost 7 months ago... and yes my husband was in the room during the delivery. Shortly there after I was having a serious clotting problem, and he saw gushes of blood coming out, before this he had no problem with making love while I was having my monthly.. and even a few months after this he had no problem, but now he says that when we try all he can picture is the blood gushing out, and he no longer wants to try. What can I do to help him, and to get us back to the way it was?
    FCL responded:
    All I can suggest is a sex therapist. This isn't the kind of thing you can solve by yourself. Sorry.

    He saw blood "gushing out" - he was probably scared you were going to die... He's scared to make love to you for fear of getting you pregnant with the risk that he could lose you. Sex therapist.
    There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
    Jinxedcharm replied to FCL's response:
    We still make love just as before it's only on my monthly that he has a problem with it... like I said this just started. After having our son we made love even when I was on my monthly a few times. Trust me he's not afraid of getting me pregnant again because if that was the case we wouldn't have sex at all. but thank you.
    alaska_mommy replied to Jinxedcharm's response:
    Probably just the visual was a little traumatizing during birth...and now he associates it with you being on your cycle. Maybe just give it time?
    Jinxedcharm replied to alaska_mommy's response:
    I understand that but what I don't understand is why it didn't bother him 2,3,and 4 months after, but now it does. And he doesn't really wanna talk about it. I know the probally sounds inconsiderate but it kinda hurts my feelings.
    alaska_mommy replied to Jinxedcharm's response:
    Not sure why. Maybe at first he didn't put the two together in his mind but then had a flashback at a time when you were on your period? Could be it just got stuck and now he can't dislodge it from his brain. He might not want to talk about it because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings, or because he feels it's silly or stupid, but just can't shake it.
    wonderingaboutthis replied to Jinxedcharm's response:
    I agree with AlaskaMommy. It's very possible that after having seen the gfushing blood incident, he blocked it out of his mind for quite some time as a traumatic event. As time went by, the memory started creeping back in but the amount of time that had passed allowed him to let his subconcious guard down a little (no longer blocking it out) and something as seemingly insignificant as seeing some blood on his penis or in/on your gentials triggered the trauma to occur all over again.

    I can't suggest strongly enough that you sit down together in a non-confrontational, non-judgmental manner, and quietly talk this out. Give him some time and some space, if he used to enjoy sex with you while on your period, he likely will again, he just has to work through the process of not associataing the normal monthly blood with the traumatic event that happened and the worry and concern that accompanied it. You shouldn't let this hurt your feelings, he probably is upset himself that things aren't back to normal. He cares alot about you, that's obvious, and he had the bejeebers scared out of him All it will take is some time and understanding, in my opinion.
    GAP1954 responded:
    when you have your discussion - you need to assure him that it does not matter if he wants to forgo sex during this time - take that pressure off to begin with. And then you might try something like "you turn me on so much that I don't care when we have sex or where - it's just that I want you" Men need to be desired and one way to overcome any reluctance is to appeal to that desire. My wife did not like to have intercourse during these times and we simply turned to other alternatives of intimacy and discovered they were a lot of fun. Maybe try doing something different instead.
    BalconyBelle replied to GAP1954's response:
    I agree with the sex therapy suggestions, as well as sitting down calmly to discuss what's happening, and how it makes you feel. Also--GAP's suggestion of making sure your husband knows before hand that you won't be pushing for intercourse after you talk is a good one.

    One thing you might consider is moving intimacy into the shower if you have firm handholds/something to brace against. Having the water pouring over both of you should help wash any triggering evidence away before he sees it, and you might find it's a good way to ease him back into the habit.

    In my case, showers are my salvation. I'd go mad without them during certain times of the month. My fiance started off not having a problem with foreplay and fooling around on my period...that changed after the first time we had sex. He was my first, and despite the fact that we'd warmed me up for over 2 months to accommodate the real thing (he's a bit on the large side), I bled and it hurt. Admittedly, I didn't feel any pain within moments after shock of impact--there's a reason I turned out to be a nympho--but when it was over, he freaked when he saw red.

    To this day (6 yrs later), his reaction is unchanged. He absolutely freaks if he sees my blood on him--he's afraid he hurt me, and he just shuts down. No matter how many times we've talked about it, his visceral reaction is the same. So...bring on the showers. We can enjoy each other without seeing anything that will disturb him.
    dfgbull replied to Jinxedcharm's response:
    Sometimes it takes men a while to connect with their feelings. Perhaps after some time, he realized how he felt about it.
    Jeremy3456 responded:
    For the last few decades there's been this trend to have husbands in the delivery room as some kind of "modern" innovation for sharing the experience. I'm not sure it really helps anything, and may certainly cause some problems, as you attest.

    Men want to see the vagina as a beautiful, clean, erotic and healthy part of a woman. Seeing it gushing with blood is, well, just plain yucky for many men. The thought of a bloody penis is also horrific.

    Women can have their babies just fine with doctors, nurses and midwives present and their husbands waiting outside. Yes, creating a baby is a beautiful experience. No, blood and guts are not. Would you want to watch your partner undergo plastic surgery on their face? You would probably think about it whenever you went to kiss them for a while afterwards. I also suspect that some women want men to experience the unpleasantness and stress of witnessing a difficult birth as some kind of revenge against men for the fact that women must be the ones to give birth.
    georgiagail replied to Jeremy3456's response:
    You've got to be kidding. Your theory that women somehow want to punish males by dragging them into the delivery room is utter nonsense.

    My husband witnessed the birth of both our sons and would have been highly upset to be consigned to the waiting room during the delivery. He was a great coach during the entire birthing process.

    FCL replied to Jeremy3456's response:
    OK, so you're squeamish but many men are not. Those who go into the delivery room are generally those who WANT to share the moment. They are not dragged in, screaming ... As for it being revenge ... *rolls eyes*
    There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
    cto312 replied to Jeremy3456's response:
    I will agree with you with not wanting to be in there... that's something I would never want to see. But I've heard from several men that it's a beautiful, bonding experience.
    As for the revenge part... I would say very few women want their men in for that reason... I'm thinking it's more for support and sharing the experience and attention and all that girly stuff
    Jinxedcharm replied to cto312's response:
    I did not drag him into the delivery room, it was his choice. I had asked him to wait outside the room when I started to relize something was wrong. But he wasn't leaving me. He never left my side while I was there.

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