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I'm 53 he is 60. We've both been married before. Before we got married he told me he had 3 rules to live by. Making love in the morning, napping in the afternoon and never go to bed angry. So far everyone has been broken. I have tried to initiate some intimacy - even just cuddling and been turned down. This has happened so many times I don't even try anymore. I attended his appt with the cardiologist and discussed the ED issue and the Dr changed his blood pressure meds and gave him prescriptions for Viagra and Cialis. I have planned romantic weekend get aways to no avail. I finally asked him point blank if he didn't find me sexually attractive. He denied this.
I went on an extended vacation alone up north for 3 weeks while he hiked the knob-stone trail in southern IN. He was more affectionate when we both returned home within a day of each other in time to celebrate our 3rd anniversary. He had a romantic restaurant booked and a hotel room for the night. My first thought was 'at last'. We shared a bottle of wine in the double whirlpool with some foreplay and then nothing. I got a little frisky with him and he informed me he couldn't perform on demand. I thought all the planning he had done was leading up to the grand finale. I was wrong. I try to bring up the issue at neutral times and it usually ends up with him storming out of the room. I feel like we are roommates not husband and wife. When i told him how I felt and asked how our relationship was different from room mates his response was he never loved a roommate. He won't go to counseling. We took a course through our church called Fireproof your marriage based on the movie of the same name. I thought we were getting somewhere but when the course ended so did his interest in trying to improve communication and intimacy. I'm not prepared to live the rest of my life sexless but I'm also not stepping outside my marriage. I moved from Ontario Canada to come to the USA to be with him. I really didn't have any ties holding me there where he has 2 grown daughters grandchildren, brother and sister and parents that are still alive. I love his family and being a grandma. But that does preclude my need to feel loved and desired by the man I married. I am reaching the point of walking away, but I do love him. He can be controlling or try to be but I have a strong personality so that usually ends up in an argument, Times like that I feel he's using depriving my of sex as a control tactic. I don't know that that is the case but that is how I feel. I'm at a loss of what other suggestions to try and would appreciate any feedback or insight that may help me deal with this situation.
To be perfectly honest, there's a fair chance that your marriage could simply be annulled due to non-consummation.
You have my deepest sympathies regardless of the path you take, and I wish you the best of luck moving forward.
I'm not familiar with US laws. Would I go to city hall to file for annulment like I would if I was filing for divorce? My questions don't mean I'm going to act on it but I'm keeping all my options open and want to understand. Thanks for the reply
http://usmarriagelaws.com/search/united_states/annulment_laws/index.shtml
Apparently, you have to wait until your 4th wedding anniversary. Good luck with whatever you choose to do. You might find it useful to try and imagine yourself 10 years from now ...
I understand your confusion and grief over the lack of sexual intimacy with your husband. This sounds like a possible form of sexual anorexia, the compulsive avoidance of giving and receiving sexual love. I recommend finding a sex therapist in your area. Here is a link to help you with your search: http>//iitap.com/find_csat.cfm
If your husband is unwilling to attend couples counseling, it would be beneficial for you to find a sex therapist for yourself as the partner of a sexual anorexic.
You might also consider 12-Steps programs, particularly Al-Anon and CoDA which focus on partner issues. There are also 12-Step support groups for partners of Sex Addicts (including anorexics) such as COSLAA and COSA. An online search for each group will give you the meeting list for your area.
Any work that you can do for yourself will provide clarity and give you tools for establishing intimacy and healthy boundaries in every relationship in which you choose to participate.
Sexual Anorexia interview: http://thecenterforhealthysex.com/wp-content/themes/thecenterforhealthysex/media/AK-sexualanorexia-reasonsandsigns.mp3
Sex is only a smal part of living a happy life. So if everthing else is in place and doing fine but sex isn't you can possibly overcome it by either talking about it or seeking a councellor's help. His refusing counselling is what actually makes me suspect ulterior motives. Why would he not want to seek help if it helps both of you become happier and closer? The only god reason I can see for him to refuse counselling is perhaps because he feels guilty that he will not be able to perform.
Sounds strange for a man not to want sex. From what I know myself and other male friends, males think about sex almost too often. Are you sure he is not in another relationship? Not necessarily sexual....but being in a relationship can bring about emotional dis-engagement.
I suggest you look at the whole picture. If he refuses counselling seek counselling alone though this will be more about finding whether you want to hang on or not. He might have warned you but you need to make your feelings known. You can meaure your closeness by your level of communication. You migth have to give an ultimatum for the relationship but not to seek counselling. If he does not want to change to make you feel better you have to assess if you would rather stick (because everythign else migth be wounderful) or eject. (The latter because to a man, I think sex is necessary) to feel close). Wish you luck.
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