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Married 3+ years and still not consumated
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Bonnie_1958 posted:
We dated in 2007 and married May '08. We had talked about sex and decided to wait until we were married. I bought a sexy white sat an night gown but exchanged it for an old night shirt when he walked in to the bedroom with a T-shirt and sweatpants on. Before we were married he told me he had a mild case of ED because of his blood pressure meds. I was a RN for 27 yrs so knew this could be worked around.
I'm 53 he is 60. We've both been married before. Before we got married he told me he had 3 rules to live by. Making love in the morning, napping in the afternoon and never go to bed angry. So far everyone has been broken. I have tried to initiate some intimacy - even just cuddling and been turned down. This has happened so many times I don't even try anymore. I attended his appt with the cardiologist and discussed the ED issue and the Dr changed his blood pressure meds and gave him prescriptions for Viagra and Cialis. I have planned romantic weekend get aways to no avail. I finally asked him point blank if he didn't find me sexually attractive. He denied this.
I went on an extended vacation alone up north for 3 weeks while he hiked the knob-stone trail in southern IN. He was more affectionate when we both returned home within a day of each other in time to celebrate our 3rd anniversary. He had a romantic restaurant booked and a hotel room for the night. My first thought was 'at last'. We shared a bottle of wine in the double whirlpool with some foreplay and then nothing. I got a little frisky with him and he informed me he couldn't perform on demand. I thought all the planning he had done was leading up to the grand finale. I was wrong. I try to bring up the issue at neutral times and it usually ends up with him storming out of the room. I feel like we are roommates not husband and wife. When i told him how I felt and asked how our relationship was different from room mates his response was he never loved a roommate. He won't go to counseling. We took a course through our church called Fireproof your marriage based on the movie of the same name. I thought we were getting somewhere but when the course ended so did his interest in trying to improve communication and intimacy. I'm not prepared to live the rest of my life sexless but I'm also not stepping outside my marriage. I moved from Ontario Canada to come to the USA to be with him. I really didn't have any ties holding me there where he has 2 grown daughters grandchildren, brother and sister and parents that are still alive. I love his family and being a grandma. But that does preclude my need to feel loved and desired by the man I married. I am reaching the point of walking away, but I do love him. He can be controlling or try to be but I have a strong personality so that usually ends up in an argument, Times like that I feel he's using depriving my of sex as a control tactic. I don't know that that is the case but that is how I feel. I'm at a loss of what other suggestions to try and would appreciate any feedback or insight that may help me deal with this situation.
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fcl responded:
I'm curious, what did he do with the prescriptions? Did he ever get them filled?

To be perfectly honest, there's a fair chance that your marriage could simply be annulled due to non-consummation.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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aprilina619 responded:
girl just hang in there, i hope the best for you and your marriage, ED can be a very touchy subject when it comes to males, however in all fairness it isn't like he didnt pre warn you before you made the decision to marry him... for better or worse remember? have a good day
 
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alaska_mommy replied to aprilina619's response:
I don't think it's fair to tell someone that they have to live the rest of their lives with no sex or affection. Did you know that babies can die simply from lack of love and affection? It's called failure to thrive...we need human touch, love, affirmation. Without it life is empty and bleak.
 
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dfgbull responded:
It sounds to me like he is using sex (or the lack thereof) as a control tactic. Three years with no effort makes it pretty clear he has no intention or desire of changing. As much as I deplore divorce, I think it is time for an ultimatum. Tell him either go to counseling (together) or you're leaving him. If he won't go to counseling, your marriage is doomed.
 
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BalconyBelle replied to dfgbull's response:
I'm with FCL on this. Due to non-consummation, your marriage can simply be annulled. When it comes right down to it; by your husband's refusal to consummate, you've been a bride for 3 years, not a wife. He's steadfastedly refused to make your marriage complete, which means by his own actions, he's left the door open for you to dissolve your relationship without divorce; you can choose to annul it instead. Essentially, ending a union that never was.

You have my deepest sympathies regardless of the path you take, and I wish you the best of luck moving forward.
http://erynlockhart.wordpress.com
 
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Bonnie_1958 replied to fcl's response:
The prescriptions were partially filled because of the cost. If i remember correctly we bought 6 tabs on each Rx. The Cialis was the long term 3 day one and the Viagra for the day.
I'm not familiar with US laws. Would I go to city hall to file for annulment like I would if I was filing for divorce? My questions don't mean I'm going to act on it but I'm keeping all my options open and want to understand. Thanks for the reply
 
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Bonnie_1958 replied to aprilina619's response:
He did warn me but played down the seriousness considerably. When I got married I did for better or worse, but not to be used in a controlling manner. Because I have an equally strong personality as he does sex is the one thing he can control that I can't do a thing about. That's why I wonder if it is a control issue.
 
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Bonnie_1958 replied to dfgbull's response:
I'm not prepared yet to give that ultimatum but am getting close. He's been divorced for close to 20 years now and although he'd had relationships in between the divorce and our marriage I can't help but wonder if the women he has involved with were the type to threaten and not follow thru. I don't make idle threats. I've told him I have one foot out the door and he realized I wasn't kidding when I brought packing boxes from U-haul home to start packing some stuff up. Whether it goes to the shed or a moving van is the only question that time will tell.
 
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Bonnie_1958 replied to BalconyBelle's response:
Thanks for the support. Neither path is easy and both have pros and cons. I have to determine which side weighs in the heavier
 
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fcl replied to Bonnie_1958's response:
I understand. Here's what you need to know:

http://usmarriagelaws.com/search/united_states/annulment_laws/index.shtml

Apparently, you have to wait until your 4th wedding anniversary. Good luck with whatever you choose to do. You might find it useful to try and imagine yourself 10 years from now ...
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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AlexKatehakis responded:
Hi Bonnie,

I understand your confusion and grief over the lack of sexual intimacy with your husband. This sounds like a possible form of sexual anorexia, the compulsive avoidance of giving and receiving sexual love. I recommend finding a sex therapist in your area. Here is a link to help you with your search: http>//iitap.com/find_csat.cfm

If your husband is unwilling to attend couples counseling, it would be beneficial for you to find a sex therapist for yourself as the partner of a sexual anorexic.

You might also consider 12-Steps programs, particularly Al-Anon and CoDA which focus on partner issues. There are also 12-Step support groups for partners of Sex Addicts (including anorexics) such as COSLAA and COSA. An online search for each group will give you the meeting list for your area.

Any work that you can do for yourself will provide clarity and give you tools for establishing intimacy and healthy boundaries in every relationship in which you choose to participate.

Sexual Anorexia interview: http://thecenterforhealthysex.com/wp-content/themes/thecenterforhealthysex/media/AK-sexualanorexia-reasonsandsigns.mp3
 
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Bonnie_1958 replied to AlexKatehakis's response:
Thank you for the information. I've never heard of sexual anorexics but it certainly makes sense. Thanks. I have been attending the occasional Al Anon meeting and very involved in a Christ based 12 step program (CR). Thanks again for the info.
 
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sjdebold126 responded:
HI Bonnie...Wow...your story is very familiar with mine. I'm your age also and my husband is a couple years older than me. We've been married 9 years. He was my 'high school sweetheart' and was able to get back together 37 years later. We love each other very much and Ken can be controlling at times too but I'm like you...He can control me 'only so much'. I still feel we are newlyweds because once we got married the sex has been less and less and for now...its been at least a year since we've had sex. He has high blood pressure and diabetes so it won't work all the time but he has Cialis and says he doesn't like to use it altho it works great. He is very cuddly and loveable but Sex with him is very 'far and in between times' and getting worse. He won't talk about it either..even tho I try to bring the subject up at times. I get very frustrated too but what can I do! I will never leave him because he is a good guy in every other way BUT a marriage isn't a marriage to me without that closeness. I do hope you have a great outcome...mine I don't know. I keep trying but the last time I tried..he said..'I'm too tired'...I told him...'Thats suppose to be my line not his'...but he just went to sleep. Men...they are in control when it comes to sex working...but like someone says...we all need love or it will die! So your not alone in this problem!
 
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rkg243 replied to sjdebold126's response:
Hi Bonnie,
Sex is only a smal part of living a happy life. So if everthing else is in place and doing fine but sex isn't you can possibly overcome it by either talking about it or seeking a councellor's help. His refusing counselling is what actually makes me suspect ulterior motives. Why would he not want to seek help if it helps both of you become happier and closer? The only god reason I can see for him to refuse counselling is perhaps because he feels guilty that he will not be able to perform.
Sounds strange for a man not to want sex. From what I know myself and other male friends, males think about sex almost too often. Are you sure he is not in another relationship? Not necessarily sexual....but being in a relationship can bring about emotional dis-engagement.
I suggest you look at the whole picture. If he refuses counselling seek counselling alone though this will be more about finding whether you want to hang on or not. He might have warned you but you need to make your feelings known. You can meaure your closeness by your level of communication. You migth have to give an ultimatum for the relationship but not to seek counselling. If he does not want to change to make you feel better you have to assess if you would rather stick (because everythign else migth be wounderful) or eject. (The latter because to a man, I think sex is necessary) to feel close). Wish you luck.


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