Sexual Health Community

being a man i think that sooner or later yes it will lead to cheating..if it has been going on 4 2 years and u know that he has developed feeling 4 her...my gf found naked pic of a female on my computer that a friend send me of someones wife and she about went crazy...stupid me forgot too delete....used to work with lots of female so i know how hard to hold back feeling when they tell u about their life.....u can never get past it..it will always be in the back of ur mind..

If this has been going on for 2 years and there is no romantic/sexual involvement, then how come you only found out now? If I talk to/call/have lunch with friends, my partner knows at least that they exist AND has met most of them. So why did he hide all trace of her and never mention her?

Because it's not a big deal? I have friends my SO hasn't met or specifically heard of, but nothing inappropriate is going on there. It's such a non-issue that I just don't mention it.

In terms of getting past it, you need to trust him, and set up boundaries to help you do that. Talk to him about how you feel, seek counseling for the two of you if you feel it's necessary.

Has he given you other reason to think he's unfaithful?

" It's such a non-issue that I just don't mention it"

That's kind of my point. If he's been calling, texting, emailing having lunch with her for 2 whole years surely her name would have come up ... if he had nothing to hide.

Also, perhaps if you'd been together as long as OP and her husband you would end off by knowing most of your respective friends or at least heard of them

I agree with Anno-16867, if it's not alreaddy happening it will at some point. I am a male and work with mostly females and have business meetings from time to time, but we don't talk on the cell phone, we don't chat on the Internet and they definetely dont' ride with me in my car. And no, my wife does not have to know who everyone of these females are because, like 3point14 said, it's a non-issue.

My wife have heard the names of some of my female co-workers, but not of them all, but this is a non-issue because I am a professional and I don't mix work with inappropriate relationships and my wife knows it. Most importatnly, I know not to put myself in a compromising situation.

No but he has never done anything to endanger our marriage of 39 years before either.
My view was that there must be some feelings for this woman or else he would not take a chance on destroying our marriage by hiding this.
We have always had an extra close marriage, which he always said he wanted, & he is my best friend. I have always told him everything-things I would not even tell my sister or best friends.
So, how do I trust him when he says he will no longer do this?

He says he will no longer tell you everything? I wouldn't trust him if he actually said that.

If however it was just his actions you don't trust and he's never before done anything like this, assess what it will take to make you comfortable; maybe he deletes his Facebook, maybe he tells you when he's seeing this and other women, maybe you meet this woman and talk to her. Talk with him about what he's willing to do to ease your mind.

Having been married before, I can tell you that married men will be flirted with by women who want to have affairs with them. What matters in your marriage is not whether these things will happen (they will), but how he responds to them. I would find reasons to believe him about this friend rather than instantly assuming that he is "cheating" because this friend is female. You keeping him in a straightjacket and giving ultimatums about his friendships does not indicate you have a secure relationship and does not portend a happy outcome. Perhaps he's never mentioned this woman precisely because he's been afraid of you acting the way you're acting now.

The question should be, how will he get past it. You've given him a severe ultimatum. You're jumping to a big conclusion---that he's cheating with this woman. What he says might be true---that they're just friends and have work lunch together sometimes out of convenience, with no thought whatsoever of sexual or romantic feelings.

It's hard to believe for some, but people who are in a solid relationship can actually have friends of the opposite sex. And they are just that---friends. My fiance has them; I have them. For some reason it does not bother me in the least. With other women I've been in relationships with, it has sometimes bothered me. I sense a genuine degree of loyalty from my fiance and feel more securely attached to her as a result. And that comes from her (and my) conscious, stated decision to be loyal and dedicated to our relationship and to communicate anything troubling. Her friends wouldn't even be the type to be my friends. But I'm glad she has them because I sense it's an outlet and she retains that connection with her past life before we met. They mostly talk about memories and perspectives on their past life that are fading anyway.

With all that said, I can nonetheless understand your insecurity. We can't tell the whole story from your post. Does he mention you to her in their casual chitchat? You could arrange to meet (the three of you) and see what personal vibes you pick up. But keep in mind that if he thinks you're jealous or suspicious, or she does, it might create some tension that would not be good for any of you. It might cause them to play on the tension and tease you with it, which would be hurtful and call for some further relationship adjustment.

Another danger is that if you're unreasonably jealous (i.e., if a reasonable person could see there is nothing going on between them but you still feel jealous and hurt), then your husband will feel there are unfair accusations and restrictions being imposed on him. And in that case, the other woman might be in a natural position to give him more comfort and security about the situation than you're giving him. This would just make him turn to her more for emotional comfort and respect than he gets from you. Then their relationship could either break up or intensify into something else.

There's nothing wrong with making your feelings known to your husband (and your desires known to her if that is warranted). In fact, keeping communication open with him about sensitive things is good thing. If there is any nascent romantic attraction then making your feelings known might nip it in the bud. But you shouldn't blindly charge in accusing either of them of misconduct---they might be innocent friends in reality.

If you do arrange for the three of you to meet, keep your mind open to the possibility of seeing that there is nothing improper going on and having your worries relieved. You may never become friends with her because you don't have anything in common, but your worries may at least be relieved.

Your husband was having lunch with a friend and that made you shocked and hurt?
If this woman was a man, would that change things?

You should trust that if he says he has no romantic feelings for this woman that he is being honest. I would get small comments on my facebook from unattractive friends from out of state, and my girlfriend would always ask who they were and what they wanted.
Of course if a male ever said hi or left a comment, she would show no interest. It was very insulting and showed that she had very little trust or respect for me.

If he hasn't been doing anything that is setting off red flags... neglecting you, spending an unusual amount of time away, lieing, hiding things... I'd say you should trust that he is being honest with you and this is just a friend.
Let him know how you feel about it, but putting down ultimatums and threats for something like this is more likely to push him away then build love and trust.
Perhaps ask him to talk to you more about his friends, coworkers and aquiantances.

Apparently you did not read my discussion carefully. He was not just having lunch with a "friend" he was actively e-mailing, telephoning, FB, & "secretly" calling this person to go to lunch when off work for 2 years without ever telling me he was doing this. That he would do this is what hurt me so, not specifically that he was going to lunch with a co-worker. However, I will say that going to lunch alone with a co-worker of the opposite sex is asking for trouble. If you don't think this you are naive. It looks inappropriate to others at the work place & to people who know the couple involved.
The secrecy is what hurts a relationship.
My statement of what I would tolerate in my marriage was not a "threat" as you called it but a statement of fact of what I could live with. The very idea of losing a 39 yr relationship is not one I would take lightly but there are some things one can not live with in a marriage. If there weren't feelings for this person at the time, these secret contacts most often lead to deeper feelings & breakups.

I was in a marriage with a man for 10 years (not as long as yours but still a significant amount of time) who cheated...several times...and lied about it. Swore sideways that the women were just friends, and then that they were just women he was doing business with professionally... The pattern of secrecy that you described matches what I have experienced and I hope that it is not the case for you. You need to speak to that woman and get the "real story".

Please note that this may cause an issue between you and your Husband as if they are JUST friends and NOTHING happened between them, then you will have a lot of humble apologizing and maybe counseling (for your "trust issues") necessary....But better that you apologize now, then have to find out later, after getting an STD...at the least.

I will say that I think the fact that he confessed to you straight away that he was indeed communicating with this woman, and not saying that he didn't know her, or was only fb chatting with her was good.

However, there's a piece to this puzzle missing...He said he was chatting, emailing and on the phone with her...but never stated (per the info given in your post) when/why she was in his car that she left her charger in...Did you tell him the details of what you read on fb or just say you saw him chatting with her? If you didn't tell him anything other then you saw him chatting w her, he may have forgotten that she said she left the charger, (but knew that you were aware he was communicating with her, so that's all he confessed to)...Possibly.

Please ask yourself the question, before you take any action either way... Is/Has my Husband been keeping secrets from me and living privately? Do you have seperate bank accounts? Does he only tell you certain things of his choosing? If you ask him a question that he doesn't want/like to answer, does he change the subject or not answer...Does he turn it around on you, or tell you to "let it go" in some way?...Has he been forthwith about the little things like when he ate the food that you set aside for something else, or "fibbed" about something else small?

Sometimes those things can show if he's hiding something....Think back...Do YOU have to let things go, just to avoid making him upset?

That can lead you in the right direction of rather you should risk contacting this woman...and if you do...Remember she is in the same boat as you...being lied to and manipulated, etc...so be kind to her...

First mention who you are and casually that you saw him chatting with her (unspecifically...dont tell her what you saw her or your husband type...Just be very general) and realized you didn't have the pleasure of knowing her too.

Give little information. Let her do the talking. If she immediately focus's on the fact that you saw them chatting , rather then that you'd like to get to know her too, there might be something to consider there. Give little bits of info that she would know to be true, to improve her trust in you...maybe about how much he loves his car, or how he likes his coffee or better yet...his favorite cologne...something impersonal...then something personal...See how much personal info she is aware of in the process..(why would she know his favorite cologne scent?).

See if she is trustworthy to her word as she will be testing yours (for all you know he told her that your crazy and/or that he's getting divorced/are divorced from you).

Good luck. I hope this helped. It is what got me the truth with my Ex...Its heartbreaking to find out and it's hard to hear the details from the "other woman", so be strong...and have a good support system in case there is more to his story that he isn't telling you. I wish I had...

Thanks for your reply. I hate that you had to go through what you described.
I know this person he was talking to on FB, phoning, & taking to lunch as she works with him & I have been to his office several times.
As I stated, the fact that he was taking her to lunch even on days they weren't working & talking to her on the phone & FB for such a long period of time, ALL without my knowing, is what was such a shock.
I just don't know how to get over the shock & to be sure if he has stopped contacting her as he said he would.

Have you two ever taken the time to sit down together, in a non-accusatory, non-judgmental way, and talked about this freindship and what is truly bothering you about it? And given him the opportunity to explain his actions (or non-actions) completely?

I ask because something tells me after reading all of this that you haven't. And if, after 39 years, you can't do just that, you both need counseling (in my opinion).

You have every right to ask these questions of your husband, if as you say, this is a mutual laptop you two share and you honestly just "came across" this Facebook chat. I honestly don't know if he was cheating on you or not, but it also really sounds like you were "doing some checking up on him" and didn't like what you found.

In any case, males have female friends, and females have male friends... it's not a crime and it's not abnormal. What is abnormal (lacking any hard evidence that there truly IS something going on between them) is wondering "how you can ever trust him again" for simply having a female friend. Good grief, my wife (30 years married) and I both work in offices, we both have friends of both sexes that we have been to lunch with, and talked with on the phone (usually about work), and there is so little to interest the other that we don't automatically announce every time it takes place. Neither of us socializes on the computer (a la Facebook) but we've both e-mailed our opposite sex friends before. And there's simply nothing to it.

I guess my point is, IF there is some hanky-panky going on, then no, you probably can't and shouldn't trust him. But at the same time, if there truly ISN'T anything going on, you need to admit that to yourself and not even ask the question of "how do I trust him again". Instead, you should be telling him of your insecurity when he communicates with other females this way, and give him the opportunity to say "Oh OK, I didn't know it bothered you, but I'll stop if that's what you want". And that should also come with your apology for mistrusting him in the first place. Two years or 39 years, it's still a give and take and trust is paramount, in both directions. Talk, don't accuse, until you have all the facts.

I guess the fact that I am from a different generation than the last 2 people that replied has a lot to do with my having such a different viewpoint of marriage. However, I can't see how they can't understand how the fact that my husband could hide the fact that he was calling a woman to go to lunch when they weren't working & secretly "chat" every day on FB could hurt me so.
I know how my family & friends in a small town would look at their meeting alone for lunch would look even if nothing sexual actually ever happened.
I has the appearance of something going on.
I still say the secrecy if what is so hurtful.