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Question about Sexual Activity
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MattRyan86 posted:
So my girlfriend of 6 months has much lower libido than I do, and is often not in the mood for sex. Usually we have sex once a week. I can manage sex once a week, but I need to be able to get off almost every night. She does sometimes help me get off by making out with me while i touch myself, or sit naked in front of me while touching her breasts...but she's not in the mood and does it against her will. It's very frustrating for both of us.

My question is, is it wrong for me to ask for help for getting off int he night, or is it wrong for her to say no she's not in the mood to help me get off?...I'm not demanding sex, just help in getting off.
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MattRyan86 responded:
I forgot to mention that I'm 24 and she just turned 22.
 
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alaska_mommy responded:
Neither of those things are wrong, it's just a matter of working out an agreement that works for both of you. Maybe let her off the hook more often, or even come up with a "game plan" that both of you can agree on. You don't want her to end up more and more resentful over time. Lots of couples have differing sex drives, and you just have to work it out together.
 
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Blake_Valentine replied to alaska_mommy's response:
But to this I would add, if you are serious about this girl, the mismatched libidos are an early-warning sign of trouble ahead. You said: "....but she's not in the mood and does it against her will. It's very frustrating for both of us." There are so many couples who are miserable because they are sexually incompatible. Usually, in the early stages of love, neither one can get enough of each other sexually, but as the relationship progresses, the differences in libido become apparent. In your case, you're both in your early 20s, and only dating 6 months. I would say to you that this is a huge red flag, not just a minor "she likes rap, I like rock" kind of thing.



 
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Jeremy3456 responded:
For young people of your age, I would say it is unusual not to have sex more than once a week.

But I'd like some more information: When you do have sex together, what is it like? What leads up to it; is it talking, or just making out, or playful or what? The reason I ask is that when you say you need her help to just 'get off' on the other six nights of the week, it sounds like it's kind of a one-way exercise. You masturbate and she just sits there doing something minimal like playing with her breasts while not even feeling sexual.

I would try to involve her more in the actual sexual buildup. Women sometimes need more a emotional and slower physical buildup such as caressing, time to feel comfortable, etc. She probably doesn't mind posing for you while you masturbate but it might get a bit tiresome and repetitive for her to do that six nights a week. She might also find it to be a poor substitute for more personal intimacy that involves her actual sexual preferences. Chances are she can be a lot more sexual if you engage in sexual things with her, rather than with yourself while she merely watches. Does she have any favorite fantasies or situations that get her aroused? Try doing more of those, and at her speed. Right now it sounds like it's merely your masturbation-porno show and her "participation" is a nearly sexless, mechanical act to help you masturbate like it's some compulsive need.

You remind me of some people who are into phone sex in a way that does not involve the other person being truly aroused. Have you been a phone sex person, or an exhibitionist? Just curious.
 
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dfgbull responded:
From your post I see the signs of sexual abuse. She may have been sexually abused in the past. If this is the case, she will need counseling to overcome the issues. Of course it could just be mismatched libidos. Either way, the two of you need to resolve this conflict now or your relationship is doomed to failure.


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