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am I doing the right thing about his fetish?
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An_240741 posted:
My partner admitted early in our relationship of a fetish. I also admitted one of mine.


He swore a few times he doesnt need to look at photos/porn and i meet his needs sexually.


I found recently on web history that he is looking up photos. I asked him if he was and he told me he's ashamed and disappointed in himself and its wrong. I was not upset by him looking at what he likes, more that he feels he has to hide it from me. And also lied numerous times saying he doesnt do it anymore. He looks early in the morn or late at night when i'm in bed, or sometimes looks when hes out, at work or whatever. He says he doesnt masturbate, just looks.


How can i assure him its ok to do this and its the hiding it/lying that upsets me more than anything?
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wonderingaboutthis responded:
Well, how about telling him exactly what you wrote here? Sit down together with him, in a non-confrontational manner, and tell him that you are totally OK with him looking at these pics, but it's just the secrecy thing that bothers you about it.

Men can be quite sensitive about viewing porn, in large part because not all women are as understanding about their liking it as you are. In fact, I've seen women posting on this very forum literally going ballistic because their husband/boyfriend enjoys a peek now and then. Ten to one this is why he's hiding it, not with any malicious intent to deceive you in any way, but only because he's afraid of what you'll say or do. Besides, honestly, alot of us guys just want some privacy when we're viewing porn. And your finding it in the web history might feel very much like you're "checking up on him" so I wouldn't make a big issue about how you found out. I'd dislike that part just as much as you dislike the lying/hiding...

As a guy, I can see through what he's telling you, that he's ashamed, he doesn't masturbate, etc. All of that is likely just because he thinks that's really what you want to hear, he's probably just trying to "save his skin". But trust me, none of it is because you don't meet his needs sexually, it's more likely because he just doesn't think you'll understand his behavior, which btw is pretty normal.

The best way to keep him from lying/hiding his "fetish" is to assure him and convince him he doesn't have to. And don't be too hard on him for the little white ones in the past, remember most guys just don't want any trouble and most women aren't as cool about it as you are.

Ten to one also that he does in fact masturbate occasionally looking at porn. Same reasons for not wanting to tell you about it. Whether he'll admit it or not, most men masturbate regardless of how good their sex life is. Not as a "substituion for you", rather as a separate and different form of sexual pleasure. If you masturbate occasionally, you know what I mean.

By the way, kudos to you for the great attitude about your man enjoying a little porn occasionally...you're part of a minority there. Best way to keep porn a non-issue is to not make it one...
 
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An_240741 replied to wonderingaboutthis's response:
Thanks for your reply. I have to admit at first I wasn't that sure about it. All i could think of was what I was doing wrong, how I am not meeting his needs etc etc etc. But now thinking about it, I want to have my man happy. If we end up marrying and being together for a long time I dont want him to feel he has to hide it. He constantly says he needs to get over his 'interest' and it is something he will never look at again. This doesn't make me feel better!

I can respect if he wants to do it, and i can respect if he doesnt want me to know. Come to think of it, I've had a sticky beak myself before and he wouldnt know so i'm just as bad really..

Thanks again for your advice and enlightening me from a mans perspective. It makes me feel so much better in how to handle this from now!
 
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alaska_mommy replied to An_240741's response:
Just to chime in, I got to the place in my marriage where I'm ok with my husband looking at porn occasionally. At first he kept it from me, and now we're at a point where we both have a mutual understanding that both of us will look at it from time to time.
Usually what I do is I don't ask about it, and he doesn't tell me how often he does it. I don't look through his browser history, and I imagine he doesn't look through mine. We just sort of let the other do their thing. Once in awhile it will come up in conversation, and we both agree it's nice as something occasional so long as it doesn't take the place of real sex.

So once you guys have that conversation and get it established that it's ok, then I'd just let him do his thing and not pry. I agree with wondering that it seems like it's a private thing.
 
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questionable13 replied to alaska_mommy's response:
thanks again for your replies


I'm slightly confused as tried to talk to my man but he is saying its his problem and he needs to get over it. This makes me more worried than if he just said 'ok, thanks for being supportive'! ah well i tried!
 
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alaska_mommy replied to questionable13's response:
Keep trying, maybe your original response to it makes him a little unsure or nervous about it.
Or maybe he just wants privacy about it and it might feel strange for him to know that you are aware he does it. You could try just letting the topic drop and not calling it to his attention if you do notice he's back at it again.
 
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fcl replied to questionable13's response:
If he has been brought up to believe that what he's doing is shameful it might take a long, long time before he hears what you're saying. Be patient.

Have you suggested watching a bit of porn together?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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AlexKatehakis responded:
There seems to be a small issue of trust raising its head in your relationship - trusting each other, and trusting your own selves. Your husband seems to be ashamed by his actions, so he is struggling with self-trust. It sounds like you are struggling with your own feelings on several levels.
I'm curious -- is looking at porn the "fetish" that your partner admitted? Is there a certain type of porn he's looking at?
If a couple shares a computer, it's fairly easy to come across the web history. I'm wondering if you made this discovery by accident, or if you were checking up on your husband. If it's the latter, I would question what is going on right now with you in this relationship.
Unfortunately, we are not responsible for a partner's shame and all we can do mitigate it is to be open and accepting and consistent. Your husband could be experiencing shame from his early family or religious conditioning. He could be trying to replay that shame now, this could be one possible reason for keeping it secret and lying about his behavior. It's possible that dynamic of secrecy and deception plays into his unconscious psychological needs right now. Although you proclaim your acceptance, it sounds like you're not completely sure how you feel about your husband looking at porn, and he might sense this. It's also possible he's hiding other behaviors.
I would say the first step is to clearly define your own sense of values in the relationship. When we concentrate on our own needs and well-being, we are better able to communicate this to others.
 
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wonderingaboutthis replied to An_240741's response:
You're very welcome. I wanted to address something you said in your reply to me though...

"I have to admit at first I wasn't that sure about it. All i could think of was what I was doing wrong, how I am not meeting his needs etc etc etc."

Please, please understand...neither the porn viewing nor the masturbation is a result of you doing anything wrong, and neither is a symptom of you not meeting his needs...

Generally speaking, men like porn, and men masturbate...single, married, living with their SO, it doesn't rmatter. It's just part of being male, and whether we get all the greatest sex we can handle, or none at all, we still do these things. With a great sex partner, we may not masturbate as much, and we may not look at porn as much, but once in a while we still do it. Depending on how we were raised, we may not choose to talk about either practice, in fact, we may try to convince others that we would never think of such a thing, but when it comes right down to it, most guys masturbate, and most guys like porn. It's "normal", and it says absolutely nothing about the quality of our relationship with our girlfriends/wives.

So please, don't ever feel like you are "not good enough" or you have done anything wrong. Those are puritanical myths that society concocted however long ago. If anything, you have one of the healthiest attitudes I have seen in a long time about males and porn/masturbation.

I so agree with FCL's reply to you. It sounds very likely that your guy was raised in an environment where masturbation was considered shameful, and porn was considered evil or bad and only sickos and perverts view it. And the authority figure pounding that stuff into his head was probably female. Consequently, he's trying desperately to cover up his normal instincts because he thinks as another female you will automatically feel the same way. The only way he's ever going to shed that baggage is with an understanding woman such as yourself.

And like FCL suggested, probably the best idea is for you to approach him about watching some porn together. He might not take you up on it right away - he'll need some time to process this totally new idea coming from a female. But eventually, if you keep it a no-pressure thing, he'll relax and let you see the real him. Watching the porn together isn't the goal - it's him seeing first-hand that these behaviors are simply a non-issue with you, that you aren't like the women who go ballistic about something so minor.

Again, with your attitude, you are definitely a prize among women and you two stand a good chance at a very trusting, long term happy relationship, free from petty arguments over him simply being a pretty much normal male.

Alaska_mommy's relationship and how they deal with the same issues is a testament from another lady that there really IS room in a good solid relationship for the extra thrill of some porn on occasion.

I can ditto her message to you by telling you that it's the same in my marriage. We have been happily married for 30 years, and went through the same learning curve with porn and masturbation. We have a fantastic sex life, AND we also both masturbate, we both like porn on occasion, by ourselves or even together. It's all just a really comfortable part of who we are as husband and wife.

To let you in on a secret, after 30 years with one woman, I've sometimes fantasized about the pleasures of a different woman. And if I weren't in such a comfortable relationship, I may not be able to resist that tempatation. An occasional peek at some porn lets me take a safe trip to that place without being unfaithful to my wife. Same for her, and we talk about that very thing on occasion, how our trust in each other with porn allows us a harmless outlet for those wandering thoughts. Because we both have them, that's no secret between us.

You'll both be fine...just don't sweat the small stuff like this really is...
 
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An_240741 replied to AlexKatehakis's response:
You are probably right. I think the reason I reacted so majorly when I found out, was that he has told me numerous times he hasn't looked. I was cheated on in the past and one thing I really dont want in this relationship is things being hidden or lied about so i overreacted and admit that now!

I also was upset that he said it was his problem and it made it sound like he wasn't telling me something, like it was a terrible thing and i dont know half of it. he has assured me this is not the case though.

I actually saw what he looks at and its not porn. Basically he is highly interested in certain pictures of women, like certain types of figures that I am not. most of the photos are women wearing clothes so they aren't even naked. He tells me i'm sexy and it isnt about him wanting to be with someone like those women, just he has a fascination with 'giant' women.

I told him that he can look and I could look at what interests me and we dont need to know when each other is doing this but just be open that it may happen. He claims he is ashamed of himself and its a long standing problem he needs to get over..

Worries me but i think you are all right. He has probably be raised to think this is a bad thing to do. He has also had ex partners who weren't very nice about it so I'm obviously different from what hes experienced in the past.

I worry that i may accidently come across something again and realise he is still looking even though he swore he wouldnt. I'd sooner prefer him say "ok " and be open to it than promise me he'll never look again., if that makes sense?!
 
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An_240741 replied to wonderingaboutthis's response:
thanks for this reassurance You are correct.

I think I will leave it for now and when this settles will suggest the idea of porn together and hopefully we can both feel comfortable without it being a taboo or major issue that keeps coming up for us.

I really appreciate the advice so THANK YOU ALL!!
 
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Jeremy3456 responded:
Just out of curiosity, what is your own fetish?
 
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An_240741 replied to Jeremy3456's response:
Watching videos of men enjoying themselves.
 
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wonderingaboutthis replied to An_240741's response:
I wonder, do you masturbate while watching these videos? Not trying to pry, but if you do, I'm sure you understand the attraction to porn and especially the privacy angle, as I bet you prefer privacy while pleasuring yourself, right? Right there are the very reasons your man keeps his actions from you,

I prefer privacy when viewing porn, not because I don't masturbate in front of my wife (because we both do that), but because my tastes in porn contain things that my wife has no interest in, and her tastes in porn contain things I'm not interested in. When we do view porn together, it's always preceded by a search for something that both of us like, which can take quite a while sometimes.

Don't mean to drag this out as I think you are already on the right track, but I saw an opportunity to illustrate for you why your guy has been keeping his fetish from you, and why you really shouldn't look at it as anything you caused or are doing wrong.

You mentioned your guy's actual "fetish" is "giant" women...what do you mean by "giant" - women who are obese, or just very tall and generally big all over? In any case, that's hardly a penchant to be ashamed of or a "problem" he needs to address. Thousands of men enjoy obese women, or "BBWs" as they are commonly referred to in pornspeak, and BBW stands for "big beautiful women". Please tell him he's definitely not a sicko or a pervert for his special attraction, and it's certainly not anything to be ashamed of, let alone a problem. Porn sites devote entire sections to BBW's.

As I'm writing this I also remembered you described his fetish as "certain types of figures I am not". Maybe instead of the BBW's, do you mean women with very large breasts? Again, a very normal retish, with thousands if not millions of like-minded men (and women) enjoying them.

Bottom line, your guy is incredibly....normal. Hope you can convince him of that.
 
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An_240741 replied to wonderingaboutthis's response:
Not obese, mainly very large tall solid women who are powerful. I looked at the site and its not even a porn site! Just a bunch of photos of women who are proud of their looks/bodies. When i say I'm not this, I'm petite. And yet he says he finds 'normal' women very sexy and doesnt want to be with a large woman, just finds them a turn on to look at.


I also just need to clarify that i used the term fetish incorrectly for myself. I dont really have one, I just get turned on by some porn. If anything, I am probably worse at the looking at porn business than him!


As for my self love, believe it or not it hasnt happened in some time since we live together. But prior to that we hardly saw each other so there was the occasion I did have a peak. thats not to say I dont want to now. I have had chances to do it but I think now living together we are more sexually active, and truthfully i dont really have time to myself where i could . On the same token, I feel like he will get upset with me for doing it and part of my wanting to reassure him is by also hoping that in time he can understand if i want some private time too.


As for him, I really think he is a normal guy. I didnt expect to come home and for him to say 'oh babe, i had a bit of a fondle while you were out!'. I just want to know that if i come across web history or what have you, i can smile and think 'great hes enjying himself', not feel annoyed that he swore he wouldnt look and has anyway. I expect he will, i just dont want him to promise he wont.


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