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No Sex Relationship
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An_241648 posted:
I am seeking relationship advice. I have been dating my boyfriend for two and a half years (I am 26, he is 27). We have been living together for about a year. We get along great, rarely fight, spend a lot of time together, kiss and cuddle.

Our communication is lacking in that I feel most of our conversations are really superficial. "How was your day" "What do you want to do tonight?" I don't feel all that emotionally connected to him. We talk about the day-to-day occurrences without getting very much deeper. When I try to ask deeper questions, he gives me 1 - 2 sentence responses.

In addition to superficial communication, our sex life is non-existent. We have probably had sex 5-8 times in the last year. I know he is not cheating on me. When I bring up our sex-life he all he says is that we need to work harder on making it better. He is right, but neither one of us have been changing our behavior. We both agree that at the end of the day we are tired but I feel this is just an excuse. I have given up initiating because I have felt rejection and I know when I initiate he will not do it. When ever we have had sex in the last year he has been the one to initiate.

Since we are young, I wonder if we should just move on. I've asked him what he thinks and he does not want to break up. I'm worried because I do not want to be in a sexless relationship the rest of my life. I feel if we stay together this will be something we struggle with for our entire relationship. I do not know how to rebound from this.

On the other hand, I love him and do not wan't him out of my life. I'm wondering if I have too high or unrealistic expectations of relationships. Is it normal for the sex to fade? Most everything in our relationship is good, we are just not connecting intimately.

Any advice would be great - thanks for the help!
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FCL responded:
"Most everything in our relationship is good"

I disagree - you have communication problems and communication is essential to a good couple. Honestly, from what you say, I'd say you're friends but not really a couple - you may simply have outgrown each other. I don't think your expectations are unrealistic at all. However, if you want things to change something has to happen and, as you said, nothing is happening. I suggest couples counselling. If he refuses to go, then go on your own. It will help you communicate more effectively and be more objective about your relationship.

Good luck. Keep us posted, will you?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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Blake_Valentine responded:
Agree with FCL -- the superficial communication is probably more damning than the light sex life, in that you don't sound too sexually incompatible. However the inertia your BF is showing is troubling. You can sense there are issues, and he acknowledges that, but is unwilling to do anything about them. This will only get worse. So it is up to you -- if this isn't something you are willing to sign up for -- and from what you say above, it is not -- then I think bold action is called for. Your BF sounds too comfortable. Relationships take work.
 
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Sparkle0016 replied to Blake_Valentine's response:
Thanks for the input. I'm not sure what I want at this point. I think it may be time to move on. I need to think really hard if this is really what I want. Once we break there is no going back.
 
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Sparkle0016 replied to FCL's response:
Very good points. I don't know how I feel about couples counselling. I feel that if we need that after 2 years of dating what the heck are we going to do after 5, 10, 15 years of marriage? I think we are just both way to comfortable and don't want to deal with the pain. I will keep you posted. Thank you, again.
 
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FCL replied to Sparkle0016's response:
You have the wrong idea about counselling. It won't "fix" your relationship but will give you the tools you need to make it better. You clearly do not have all of the tools yet because you have limited communication - it doesn't matter how many years you've been dating. Time doesn't guarantee the acquisition of all couples skills.

If I were you, I'd consider counselling if you want to continue in this relationship. If you don't really feel that it's worth it then don't. Then consider that if you can't be bothered making an effort to change things that perhaps it's time to go your separate ways.

It would be a shame to waste more time on a situation that is simply "comfortable" and that is sliding towards a "room mate" situation, However, remember that a good relationship takes work.

Good luck with youir decision. Have you tried the "pros and cons" method? Write down all of the good things about your relationship on one side of a sheet of paper and all the things that you are dissatisfied about on the other. Then see what you think when you compare ...
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.


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