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My husband can't get an errection; has lost sex drive
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Phoenix08 posted:
My husband has recently done the unthinkable in the bedroom, and I don't know why. The reason I say "Unthinkable" casue to me, its out of character for him. We are two very sexual people and enjoy eachother. I seem to think that its myself, however, I do and say all the things that a wife should to keep her husband happy. And when I ask what is wrong, or if its me, he responds with, " I don't know." No, its not you." So, please, if anyone could help, or give me some feedback, I would really appreciate it.

At first, it started out, we would have sex and it would last maybe a min to two min.; ( Note: this is not how we would normally have sex. This is all new behavior within the last few months) and now my husband has no interest in sex, nor can he get an errection, and if he does, its only for a sec. before its gone. It's extreamly frustrating! Not only for the fact that I've had to resort to my BOB, but because this has never happened before. Except for when we first started dating ( said he was shy).

I don't know what to think or to believe at this point in our marrige. What is he thinking about, during our romps, ( or so called attempts), is there another woman/man, is he at all interested anymore? Is it a medical problem? Then I think, "why would it be a medical problem, if just not long ago we we're having nice wild sex just fine..?"

Frustrated...
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georgiagail responded:
Before you start jumping to all sorts of unfounded conclusions, encourage your husband to consider a good checkup by his physician.

Most men will, at some point in their lives, note a difference in sexual drive or ability to achieve an erection. This can be due to a number of things, including illness, exhaustion, worries about issues outside of the bedroom, etc.. For most men this 1. is often short lived and 2. really does having nothing to dowith their current partner.

If women spent a bit more time realizing that a man is not simply a sex machine, expected to be able to perform at the drop of a hat, life would likely be much easier for these poor guys.

Gail
 
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Retiredin2000 responded:
Depending on your age there can be many factors, such as low "T", medications, illness, etc. The first time he can't get an erection will have profound effect on the future. From then on he will fear a repeat and this performance anxiety will be his number one fear. It will also cause him to not get an erection and avoid sex. He needs to talk to his MD and be frank. He may need some testosterone and some ED meds — just in case. My MD gave me some to have "just in case", and that has a great effect putting aside the anxiety.
 
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Phoenix08 replied to georgiagail's response:
I don't expect my husband to be a sex machine! However, I would like to have sex with my husband at least more than once a month or every couple months! I don't think that's too much to ask. Do you?

Also, if he is having issues I would think talking to me about it rather than ignoring the issue would be a better alternative. It's just frustrating when I get the impression that he's lost all interest. When only shortly our sex lives were very active.

Thanks!!
 
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Phoenix08 replied to Phoenix08's response:
Thank you.

This sounds like the issue. I've asked why he doesn't feel like having sex and he states, his confidence level is down due to his lack of erection. Hopefully, he can get into the doctor and we figure out what's going on.
 
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1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on replied to Phoenix08's response:
I can understand your frustration, but sadly i have had some of the same issues that your husband is having. And believe me, there is no worse feeling in the world than having the woman you love, question whether you find her attractive or not. But at the same its a completely rational thought and question. I have spent years trying to figure out what is causing these issues for myself and recently i have found a few things that make sense for me, they may not for your husband. Stress is obviously a factor and the fact that i do have some bouts with depression are not a help either, especially if am taking anti-depressants. But one of the biggest issues with myself that i have found is putting to much pressure on myself and keeping that issue in the front of my mind. Keeping that thought on your mind during sex can do much more harm than good, you dont get to enjoy it, you keep thinking to yourself, come on buddy, you can do it. I guess my advice would be to be supportive and im sure thats easier said then done. But just let him know that you care about him and maybe try to down play everything. Maybe in reassuring him, he might be able to open up about what is bothering him(if anything really is) and you two can work thru it. And as crazy as this may sound, he knows how much it hurts you that he has a difficult time getting an erection and that is probably making things worse, so be the great partner you have been and cheer him on and put him at ease I wish you the best of luck!
 
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dfgbull responded:
What you probably don't realize is that these issues are having an incredible impact on HIM. An inability to perform strikes at the center of a man's since of masculinity. If he fails to perform he feels not only like a failure but also less of a man (I know it is irrational but that is how men are wired). His resulting lack of interest is a subconscious effort to protect himself from more failure. I agree with Gail - the first step is a medical checkup to rule out (or fix) a medical cause. Counseling would be the next step.

Finally believe him. He really doesn't know (at least consciously) what is wrong and it is most definitely NOT you!!!

Good luck.
 
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hollywood_10 responded:
Looks like this disscussion was some time ago. Not sure if you will see my post. But I'm wondering how it turned out?

I have recently experienced the same issue. See my post: Sexual anxiety or performance?

I love my wife to death, and in less than 72hrs I went from being able to perform at a drop of a hat to can manage to get hard if at all, and lucky to stay hard. And if I managed to stay somewhat hard, I would blow within seconds of penetration!

I'm very worried, its all I think about and now its effecting my work and relationship. I want to satisfy her. I want her to not feel as she is a problem. I love her to death. We have been married for 9 years. I am looking into a phycologist at the moment.

Kev
 
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alex4tw replied to hollywood_10's response:
So has anyone found out what the cause of their ED is? I plan on going to the hospital today to see if i can get some blood work done or something. I had an active sex life for about 5 months with my GF and would get insanely hard boners. But up untell a week or 2 ago i started losing my hard ons a bit. Then about a week ago I was having some serious problems keeping it up. The other day i tried to masterbate and was only getting about 60% hard... this is VERY unusual i have never had that happen ever... and ever sense then i feel like i cant even get hard now... as if it is impossible. I have never had anything like this ever happen in my life... its like i am dead down there.. anyone find anything out?
 
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alex4tw responded:
so did he find out what the problem was and did it ever get resolved? please write back.. i am desperately looking for answers.
 
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hollywood_10 replied to alex4tw's response:
My bloodwork came back normal. I had an awkward moment that created some tough feelings and worry on my self, and then it snowballed. Got worse and worse. I'm convinced its in my head, and the drs agree. I started to see a counsiler and I got some morning erections back and can masterbate now. But still takes work, and I'm still haveing a hard time getting it up with my wife. But I'm gonna try and give it time, not rush, relax, and focus on her, not myself.

Kev
 
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Conniehere replied to georgiagail's response:
Excuse me, Dr. Gail,
ED is NOT short-lived!
Blood Pressure problems is a HUGE cause of ED! Those, DON'T GO AWAY! EVEN IF TREATED! When treated, it becomes EVEN WORSE! NO! My husband does NOT like the way the ED Meds make him FEEL!
So, your #1 is WRONG!
Your #2: WRONG - It DOES have EVERYTHING to do with me, THE PARTNER!
Why? Even though married, the man is EMBARRASSED!!!
A man feels like he SHOULD be able to get it up, and when they cannot, it ruins the entire situation for both!
BOTH ARE FRUSTRATED AND BOTH FEEL LIKE A FAILURE!
Their sex-life as they know it, is GONE!
It is NOT THE WOMEN 'EXPECTING' THE MAN TO PERFORM AT THE FROP OF A HAT!
I'm SUPER GLAD "YOU" feel SO SINCERE towards the man!
What about the woman????????
I can answer that! "I" don't even WANT to GO THRU THE ACT! It's POINTLESS!
SAME result EVERY time!
I've HAD IT!
WHY would "I" go thru this over and over? To NO RESOLUTION???
"I" QUIT HAVING A SEX LIFE!!! NO! I don't miss it!
I also told him (as an excuse to get ME OUT of sex) "my" hormones are SO out of whack, if he wants to, he can go get a girlfriend to have sex with! Whew! MY problem is SOLVED!!!
ALL HE DID was lay there anyway! That is NOT going to get ANYTHING turned on!!!
I have tried EVERYTHING, to NO avail.
Don't get me wrong. I DO love him, but NOT in a sexual way any longer.
 
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georgiagail replied to Conniehere's response:
Frankly, I suspect with your attitude you likely scare the beejeebees out of your husband each time he tries.

Gail
 
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Chef123 responded:
I'm a 50 yr old male with high blood pressure. I take meds for it and was having difficulty maintaining my erection during sex. I found a product that has helped me 1000 times over. Its called L-cittruline. Its a powder that you mix with water. It tastes and smells bad, so I prefer not using water, I prewfer lemonade. You take 3/4 Tsp several times a day, and about 20 mins prior to sex. It worked wonders for me and I am positive it'll work for your hubby. My erections have been often, and very strong and lasting!


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